Teenager Questions

[Shadrach51]

I wanted to try to make some sense of a current situation in our house and I pray that there is some people that can shed light on the situation.

I am a pastor in my town and I am fully aware of all that goes with that when it comes to the pastors kids. We have a great relationship with our children and we were under the impression that they were happy here. We have four children and our oldest moved out of the house about a year ago and barely keeps in touch with us while blaming us for ruining her life. We just gave her sound biblical teaching and modeled a life that would be glorifying to God, but we know that kids do not always see those things clearly and often are made to make their own mistakes.

Recently we are having an issue with our 17 year old son sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night and it has led to a sexual encounter with his girlfriend. While I am not good with the act of sex outside of marriage there seems to be a bigger issue here. He continues to lie and deceive us in his actions and there is a fine line between grace and completely turning our back to the issue.

We have a very good relationship with him and his girlfriend and they attend our youth group in which we lead. I am really just looking for anyone with a similar situation that might shed some light on the situation.

We continue to pray and welcome those from everyone as well.

 

[Seriously_Cool_Wife]

Sorry, I'm not much help, but yes, you are dealing with a deeper issue. It kinda sounds like there's a spirit of rebellion on both of your older kids. Pray hard and pray often, as you probably already know.

Other than that, just keep setting boundaries, talking with your almost grown son (and the youngers), and be sure to stick to discipline. Spend time in prayer AS a family... not just in youth and such, but let your kids hear you petition God. They will get a window into your soul when you do that... and hopefully it will help guide them.

I think most of this you already know. My friend has a policy with her now mostly grown kids that in the home, you are either a child or an adult. There are no "teenagers." You cannot be both child and adult at the same time. Seems to have worked pretty well for them... their only one left is a 15 yr old... the others are all college or shortly after college.

 

[choZn]

I am not a pastor but I am the mother of a 17 year old daughter and I was once 17 myself. As a parent, I try to keep in mind that God made my children with the same free will with which He made me.They will disappoint me the same way that I disappoint God because none of us are perfect.When my children break the rules, disappoint me, or break my heart I try to practice the same mercy, love, guidance and forgiveness demonstrated by Christ- which I myself must ask for on a daily basis. I have found that talking openly and honestly to my kids and allowing them to do the same without overreacting opens the door to communication. Have you tried asking your son why he feels the need to sneak out of the house at night? Does he not feel that he has appropriate social time during approved hours? Has he been fully educated on the risks of STDs and other risks? Is he rebelling for any certain reason? Is there some reason why he disrespects his parents by being untruthful? Does he feel pressured to act badly because you are the pastor and so active in your church? Maybe you've asked all of these things already, I don't know. It has just been my experience that open communication with love, guidance and sometimes consequences yields peaceful results. I hope this has been helpful. I have prayed for you already.

 

[happywithhim]

The kids which you mentioned are now young adults and unfortunately this can mean they are now wanting to date,explore and find out "who they are".They are probably going to question everything you have ever taught them just to check if it is "the truth" but in a way this is good because in most circumstances this will lead them to have their own personal encounter and revelation of the love and grace of God.

The only thing which can turn their behaviour is prayer,people have alot to say about pastors kids etc,but as you have said and I truely believe you have set a great model for them,but now it is up to them to make Holy sPirit lead decisions in life.So you must continue to believe God that He will reveal Himself to them personally so they will desire nothing but HIM!!

You have trained them in the way they should go as the Bible instructs,and it is evident you have taught the truth of the Word of God to them,so now again give them to God and let Him work out His plan in them.The more you push them,the further away they will go,so give them to God and He will do the rest...

You just keep your arms wide open for when they come to their senses!!!

Praying for you and the children too God bless

 

[dmdave17]

Dear shadrach51,

I pretty much agree with happywithhim's advice. Confrontation or strife will not improve the situation at this point, although I do think that you should express your disappointment with their sexual activity. But if I read your post correctly, you are also seeking a reason why this is happening. The answer is, emphatically, it's not your fault!

I have been the father of two teenagers in my life (although you can probably guess from my age that it was some time ago), but I can tell you that rebellion is normal. All teenagers hit a point in their lives when they feel the need to stretch their wings (pardon the cliche'). Unfortunately, the world today is full of influences that can lead them down the wrong paths (more cliche' but true). No matter how we try to raise them, they are exposed every day to the secular attitudes and ungodly morals of modern times.

Sometimes they yield to temptation. There isn't much we can do but pray for them and demonstrate God's loving forgiveness by being there for them when they come back. But for now, don't beat yourself up (wow, I'm just full of cliches' tonight). There is probably very little you could have done to prevent these situations.

God bless you and yours.

 

[damombomb]

as a mother of three grown boys i can honestly say you must put them in the lords hands as long as you are holding on to them
god cannot work let go and you will see how fast god can turn things around.and just trust him no matter how awful it seems
god bless your children in jesus name

 

[FSUBoy966]

Your daughter needs to find her own way to Christ. Maybe she feels you forced it down her throat and rejects it because of that. She'll come around.
Your son is being a normal teenaged boy. Would you have told your parents the truth if they asked your personal questions like that? Most teens are EXTREMELY embarrassed if their parent asked them about sex or any sexual encounter.

 

[xXErraticEmilyXx]

I'll pray for yall, but just remember- it's not only kids who stray away and don't understand, there's older people even in their 80's who sin and reject Christ. The things that they are doing may be awful, but it's a part of their testimony that they are writing every second of every day. Being all that I was helped me learn the importance of Christ and if I didn't struggle with sin, I wouldn't think that I need Him as much as I do. Hopefully they are going through that and will find God at the end of their rope, too and will learn to live for God and not themselves (meaning pleasuring their flesh with sins.) Let them have a taste of the world and they will learn that it doesn't work. They'll only think they're happy. But with God, there is more satisfaction that lasts longer than any drug and is more rewarding and free. God bless you & I will keep yall in my prayers

 

[DanuckInUSA]

I can only tell you what applies out here where we are doing missions work. All things are permissable but not things are beneficial. It is a loaded statement that most use for the sake of condoning the sins of the body or their children. However, shall we continue to sin so that Grace may abound? By no means. The understanding here is one that you need to set your son free. Either he is a Christian and the Spirit will convict him of the things in his life. You say he was raised Christian, this doesn't make him a Christian. You need to set him free and the descisions he makes will reveal his heart. If he continues to lie and be sexually immoral your issue is not how to stop those issues, your issue is to share the Gospel with him.