Z
zaoman32
Guest
This is basically just a copy and paste from my facebook, with a little more added at the end.
I remember back in May of 2011, one early morning at 5 a.m. being on the phone with a mentor of mine who I knew I could always depend upon. I had been woken up at 3:30 by a hungry 2 month old, by 4 I was holding him in the rocking chair and crying my eyes out to God for help. I felt like I was completely at the end of my rope. The conversation I had with my friend that morning is mostly forgotten, but there was one thing he said to me that I have never forgotten to this day, and will never forget in days to come. "Cling to the cross," he said.
At that time, I was not a good person. Oh I was nice enough in public to be sure, and knew how to put on my christian face for church, but behind closed doors I was in deep. I made it a compulsion to lie to my wife. She would ask me a question and I would automatically lie to her without even thinking first. And in my opinion that wasn't even the worst of it. I don't need to spill my guts or air out my dirty laundry anymore than I have, but I will say that I was a despicable person.
I think the worst of it at that time was that I came to the conclusion that there was no love in my heart. I hated myself. At worst I thought God made me for laughs, at best, I thought I must have been failure of His. I had no love for others either, and that was a difficult realization, the day I realized that I did not have the respect, appreciation, or love foranyone that had been placed in my life. I was filled with anger, bitterness towards my wife (she was the easiest person to put the blame for my anger), and just downright darkness. I loved my sin, and hated everything else.
All this darkness eventually led to the tearing apart of my family. Things got very very very hard. I was thrown into a depression that seemed endless, and as I remembered my friends words of "cling to the cross" I had this picture of me scratching and clawing to hold onto this cross while this massive hailstorm pounded down against me. But no matter how hard things got I kept holding on, and kept holding on, and kept holding on.
I did a lot of praying. Praying with others. Praying whenever I could remember and could think of nothing better to do. I had amazing amazing friends, an incredible church, and an awesome family, all of which I know for a fact kept me in their prayers, otherwise I would not be where I am now.
I don't know how to explain it, but God came to my rescue. I remember being at another moment where I was ready to give up on God (I'd been there plenty more than once in the last year) and I felt God ask me, "Are we going to go through this again or are you ready to move forward?" Like I said I had been at this dilemma more than once, and everytime I turned back to God, and at that point when I felt that question asked I knew for a fact I would never ever fully leave God, so I could continually run in circles with Him or I could move forward. I decided to move forward. Giving up on God was no longer an option. So I started praying all the more and that's when things changed.
I used to have no ambition, no drive, nothing to focus on, now, for the first time in all my twenty-seven years, I know I have purpose, my eyes are opened and I have a drive for my future. For once I can look at all my friends and say I love every single one of them. Even those I barely get see anymore, or just those I say a passing hi to at church, I love every one of them. I can say that I love my life, and I love my kids.
The breaking down, and eventual end of a marriage is never a good thing, and I am far from a perfect person, but I can now stand here and say that my life has been saved by Jesus Christ. I can take comfort in knowing without any doubt that no matter how many times I screw up or fail, He still loves me just the same. His love amazes me and has and will change me, and I look forward to my future with Him.
Thank God that He will never leave. I've lost my way plenty of times since I wrote this, even know I find myself avoiding doing what I know I need to. I'm thankful for what I've been through, reflecting on it the other day I realized that I would not be where I am today without any of this happening. Thank you God for saving me.
I remember back in May of 2011, one early morning at 5 a.m. being on the phone with a mentor of mine who I knew I could always depend upon. I had been woken up at 3:30 by a hungry 2 month old, by 4 I was holding him in the rocking chair and crying my eyes out to God for help. I felt like I was completely at the end of my rope. The conversation I had with my friend that morning is mostly forgotten, but there was one thing he said to me that I have never forgotten to this day, and will never forget in days to come. "Cling to the cross," he said.
At that time, I was not a good person. Oh I was nice enough in public to be sure, and knew how to put on my christian face for church, but behind closed doors I was in deep. I made it a compulsion to lie to my wife. She would ask me a question and I would automatically lie to her without even thinking first. And in my opinion that wasn't even the worst of it. I don't need to spill my guts or air out my dirty laundry anymore than I have, but I will say that I was a despicable person.
I think the worst of it at that time was that I came to the conclusion that there was no love in my heart. I hated myself. At worst I thought God made me for laughs, at best, I thought I must have been failure of His. I had no love for others either, and that was a difficult realization, the day I realized that I did not have the respect, appreciation, or love foranyone that had been placed in my life. I was filled with anger, bitterness towards my wife (she was the easiest person to put the blame for my anger), and just downright darkness. I loved my sin, and hated everything else.
All this darkness eventually led to the tearing apart of my family. Things got very very very hard. I was thrown into a depression that seemed endless, and as I remembered my friends words of "cling to the cross" I had this picture of me scratching and clawing to hold onto this cross while this massive hailstorm pounded down against me. But no matter how hard things got I kept holding on, and kept holding on, and kept holding on.
I did a lot of praying. Praying with others. Praying whenever I could remember and could think of nothing better to do. I had amazing amazing friends, an incredible church, and an awesome family, all of which I know for a fact kept me in their prayers, otherwise I would not be where I am now.
I don't know how to explain it, but God came to my rescue. I remember being at another moment where I was ready to give up on God (I'd been there plenty more than once in the last year) and I felt God ask me, "Are we going to go through this again or are you ready to move forward?" Like I said I had been at this dilemma more than once, and everytime I turned back to God, and at that point when I felt that question asked I knew for a fact I would never ever fully leave God, so I could continually run in circles with Him or I could move forward. I decided to move forward. Giving up on God was no longer an option. So I started praying all the more and that's when things changed.
I used to have no ambition, no drive, nothing to focus on, now, for the first time in all my twenty-seven years, I know I have purpose, my eyes are opened and I have a drive for my future. For once I can look at all my friends and say I love every single one of them. Even those I barely get see anymore, or just those I say a passing hi to at church, I love every one of them. I can say that I love my life, and I love my kids.
The breaking down, and eventual end of a marriage is never a good thing, and I am far from a perfect person, but I can now stand here and say that my life has been saved by Jesus Christ. I can take comfort in knowing without any doubt that no matter how many times I screw up or fail, He still loves me just the same. His love amazes me and has and will change me, and I look forward to my future with Him.
Thank God that He will never leave. I've lost my way plenty of times since I wrote this, even know I find myself avoiding doing what I know I need to. I'm thankful for what I've been through, reflecting on it the other day I realized that I would not be where I am today without any of this happening. Thank you God for saving me.
. May the Lord continue to work in your life for His purposes.