Just felt like sharing. First, I know how crazy I seem to people on here. Oh well. Well I have been getting these waves of overwhelming doubt. I'm not going to explain in depth what's going on, or why. I just thought I'd share this story. Last night I was having this doubt, and sometimes I get these "someone is watching me" feelings. The air around me starts to "feel thicker". No way to say that so you would understand. Even alone in my room. This happens more frequently when I am praying, or reading my bible, or discussing scripture with people online. Psychosematic response, or is there something else to it? Judge for yourself. Well this causes massive paranoia and that is what causes my doubts. I have always wondered what my stories seem like to people. I'm sure that introspectively it's much different than those looking on from the outside. It's probably hard for anyone to believe, or take seriously. Actually I rarely get taken seriously and am just shrugged off as crazy. This is completely okay with me. I don't take any offense. I'm not looking for pity or even a response from anyone. What I write is strictly to make others aware and not many will relate because these are rare circumstanes that most will never have happen to them.
Does anyone, in their prayers, have those moments where you know you're being heard? Let me try to explain. Once again, introspectively this makes sense, but from the outside it may seem a little crazy. I went on a mission trip to New York when I was 15. We were ministering to children through a week long vacation bible school for the people in the city we went to. We told the kids stories from the bible, had snacks and games and food. It was really fun. We also went from door to door witnessing to people who would listen to us and would invite them to the bible school. During this mission trip is the first time I noticed that sometimes when praying, especially when extremely happy and focused on God, something happens. It also happens when extremely desperate, or when I am in a state of extreme paranoia. This will lead most to believe that this is an emotional response to internal stimuli. I however, do not believe this. This is only because of the time and place it happens and paired with my current state of mind and what I have currently been doing all combined. It's only when all the conditions have been met that it happens, meaning it's never an isolated event.
Well this happened when I prayed at the bible school. I will explain what it was like through my experience last night where it also happened. I was laying down about to go to sleep. Most don't remember the moments right before they slip into unconsciousness, but I sometimes can. I can actually remember my thoughts fading into silence, my eyes rolling back and then back down slowly in rhythm, and the calm that comes at the very moment slumber overtakes me. The problem with this, is that this only ever happens right before an episode of sleep paralysis. Last night I was in this state of panic and doubt and had been reading Matthew for a while, at the same time taking breaks and praying, then going back to the book. I started getting that feeling as I prayed. You know, calm coming over you, hair on your neck standing up, getting goosebumps, and your skin chilling like there is a cool breeze caressing your skin? Anyone else ever get this? It's an amazing feeling and serves to ease my paranoia and doubts, for a few minutes at least.
So I finished up reading and was laying down, eyes closed, and continuing to pray. Those feelings came over me again, and I felt as if I should calm my thoughts and just listen. This is a hard thing for me to do, because my thoughts are usually rapid and hard for me to control. Well I was able to do it. It was weird. I was still in this state of prayer, and any attempt to think of a line to say was shut down. I dunno how to explain this. My thought would be cut off midsentence and my mind would be blank again and me fully focused on the experience. Any attempt of images manifesting themselves in my thoughts, or recollection of memories was stopped instantly and would go back to a blank mind. This battle over dominance went on for a few minutes.
Finally my own thoughts were subdued completely and my body automatically relaxed and there was this like hum inside my head. I felt as if the hum was "speaking for me". I know that doesn't make sense. I was fully immersed in the feeling of my body being completely limp, the sensations of the "cool breeze" on my skin and this hum. My eyes were closed through all of this and after another moment, the blackness of the back of my eyelids started getting lighter and lighter, and brighter and brighter. It was like someone was in my room turning the lights gradually up with a dimmer switch. Well I was really tired and as this was still happening, I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. Right at that moment before absolute sleep overtook me my mind was brought completely back to me by a loud "WAKE UP!". It was this booming voice inside my head that told me to wake up. And as if someone had pulled the trigger of a shotgun in ym room, this brought me back instantly and I was startled.
My eyes snapped open and I was fully awake, but utterly petrified. I've been woken by voices before, and always before an episode of sleep paralysis, but this voice was different. This one wasn't menacing, but had more of a protective "you really need to wake up NOW" tone to it. Well I woke up completely scared. I automatically had that someone is in the room with me feeling that accompanies sleep paralysis. Luckily I could move. I heard my floor creak. I know where all the creaks in my floor are and how they sound, so I knew exactly where it was coming from. It's in the mini hallways between my room and the door out of my room, so I jerked my head to look over there. Well someone darted away from my vision as I turned to look. At the same time I heard a bang against the side of my house at the other side of the room away from the door. Well I am used to these types of things, and although scared I got up to look and see if someone had snuck into my room. Nope. Door still locked and closed.
I got back in bed, still scared out of my mind and layed back praying again. I knew I was gonna have sleep paralysis after going back to sleep. Usually I would just stay up but I was feeling like I should go back to praying instead and try to sleep. The feelings and blank mindedness and calm came back over me instantly, along with the hum. Sleep came within seconds and I slept really good through the night. This was my experience. If you read it, thanks for reading.
Does anyone, in their prayers, have those moments where you know you're being heard? Let me try to explain. Once again, introspectively this makes sense, but from the outside it may seem a little crazy. I went on a mission trip to New York when I was 15. We were ministering to children through a week long vacation bible school for the people in the city we went to. We told the kids stories from the bible, had snacks and games and food. It was really fun. We also went from door to door witnessing to people who would listen to us and would invite them to the bible school. During this mission trip is the first time I noticed that sometimes when praying, especially when extremely happy and focused on God, something happens. It also happens when extremely desperate, or when I am in a state of extreme paranoia. This will lead most to believe that this is an emotional response to internal stimuli. I however, do not believe this. This is only because of the time and place it happens and paired with my current state of mind and what I have currently been doing all combined. It's only when all the conditions have been met that it happens, meaning it's never an isolated event.
Well this happened when I prayed at the bible school. I will explain what it was like through my experience last night where it also happened. I was laying down about to go to sleep. Most don't remember the moments right before they slip into unconsciousness, but I sometimes can. I can actually remember my thoughts fading into silence, my eyes rolling back and then back down slowly in rhythm, and the calm that comes at the very moment slumber overtakes me. The problem with this, is that this only ever happens right before an episode of sleep paralysis. Last night I was in this state of panic and doubt and had been reading Matthew for a while, at the same time taking breaks and praying, then going back to the book. I started getting that feeling as I prayed. You know, calm coming over you, hair on your neck standing up, getting goosebumps, and your skin chilling like there is a cool breeze caressing your skin? Anyone else ever get this? It's an amazing feeling and serves to ease my paranoia and doubts, for a few minutes at least.
So I finished up reading and was laying down, eyes closed, and continuing to pray. Those feelings came over me again, and I felt as if I should calm my thoughts and just listen. This is a hard thing for me to do, because my thoughts are usually rapid and hard for me to control. Well I was able to do it. It was weird. I was still in this state of prayer, and any attempt to think of a line to say was shut down. I dunno how to explain this. My thought would be cut off midsentence and my mind would be blank again and me fully focused on the experience. Any attempt of images manifesting themselves in my thoughts, or recollection of memories was stopped instantly and would go back to a blank mind. This battle over dominance went on for a few minutes.
Finally my own thoughts were subdued completely and my body automatically relaxed and there was this like hum inside my head. I felt as if the hum was "speaking for me". I know that doesn't make sense. I was fully immersed in the feeling of my body being completely limp, the sensations of the "cool breeze" on my skin and this hum. My eyes were closed through all of this and after another moment, the blackness of the back of my eyelids started getting lighter and lighter, and brighter and brighter. It was like someone was in my room turning the lights gradually up with a dimmer switch. Well I was really tired and as this was still happening, I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. Right at that moment before absolute sleep overtook me my mind was brought completely back to me by a loud "WAKE UP!". It was this booming voice inside my head that told me to wake up. And as if someone had pulled the trigger of a shotgun in ym room, this brought me back instantly and I was startled.
My eyes snapped open and I was fully awake, but utterly petrified. I've been woken by voices before, and always before an episode of sleep paralysis, but this voice was different. This one wasn't menacing, but had more of a protective "you really need to wake up NOW" tone to it. Well I woke up completely scared. I automatically had that someone is in the room with me feeling that accompanies sleep paralysis. Luckily I could move. I heard my floor creak. I know where all the creaks in my floor are and how they sound, so I knew exactly where it was coming from. It's in the mini hallways between my room and the door out of my room, so I jerked my head to look over there. Well someone darted away from my vision as I turned to look. At the same time I heard a bang against the side of my house at the other side of the room away from the door. Well I am used to these types of things, and although scared I got up to look and see if someone had snuck into my room. Nope. Door still locked and closed.
I got back in bed, still scared out of my mind and layed back praying again. I knew I was gonna have sleep paralysis after going back to sleep. Usually I would just stay up but I was feeling like I should go back to praying instead and try to sleep. The feelings and blank mindedness and calm came back over me instantly, along with the hum. Sleep came within seconds and I slept really good through the night. This was my experience. If you read it, thanks for reading.
