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Myth #1: "God has one woman picked out for you to marry. You are destined to be with her, and God will guide you to her."
Good luck finding this one in the Bible. There is plenty of stuff about God's will for his people, God wanting good things for you, and God's ultimate plan. Nowhere, however, does it say that God picked out a spunky brunette whom he's waiting to spring on you at the right moment. I'm not saying that he doesn't. When it comes to God, I'm pretty careful about saying what he does or doesn't do. But I do know this—if you rely on this idea too much, your dating life will get really confusing.
Some Christians take a lot of comfort in the idea that God will do the heavy lifting when it comes to dating. God will tell them if a relationship is right, and God will end it if it's not. All they have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. This may be the biggest excuse men use for being lazy in relationships, much less finding one.
Myth #2: "The Bible has clearly defined guidelines for dating."
People didn't date in biblical times. Dating as a socially accepted means of finding a mate has been around for less than a century. Before that, strict courtship rituals governed the path to marriage. Whom you married wasn't even up to you most of the time. Falling in love before you got married or engaged is a twentieth–century concept. Dating as we know it occurred after marriage. In college, I had an older professor from Japan whose marriage had been arranged. He made fun of modern dating, saying, "By the time you get married now, the fun is over. In an arranged marriage, the fun starts after the wedding!" (No, that wasn't a suggestion for you to set up an arranged marriage.)
For the Hebrews and the early church, dating wasn't an issue to be addressed in Scripture. Sex and marriage were, but not dating. When the Bible was written, a person basically had one of three options: remaining single, an amoral life with multiple partners or prostitutes, or an arranged marriage. There were courtship rituals in place, but nothing that looks like what we consider dating today.
Myth #3: "God will reveal to you the woman that you are going to marry the instant you meet her."
If this is true, I screwed up somewhere. I thought my wife was out of my league when I met her. We had a nice conversation, but I left thinking that she wouldn't go out with a guy like me. Regardless, I didn't get a divine telegram saying, "She's the one! Start picking out china patterns!"
Waiting for God to whack you on the head and tell you whom to marry isn't faith; it's fear. Many people want nothing to do with dating because of the risk and potential pain that it involves. This is certainly understandable, as dating can have traumatic results in unhealthy circumstances. But what do you think serves us better in the long run? Growing and suffering in the process of learning or a revelation that lets us off the hook? I would have loved to know that the beautiful woman I was talking to would one day be my wife, but I might not have worked as hard to earn her hand in marriage. I would have missed a lot of experiences that made me a better man.
Myth #4: "You have to be friends with a woman before you can date her."
This is the point where I might tick off some of you, so allow me to assuage your anger before I explain this myth. I am not saying that you cannot or should not be friends before dating. I'm also not talking about a man and a woman who are interested in each other and agree to be friends for a period before dating. Some of the most successful relationships begin in friendship. Sometimes you don't even know you want to date someone until you're friends with her. I've met couples who were friends for years and then fell in love. It's a super way to start a relationship.
The problem is that a lot of men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her
while hiding their interest in dating her.
This is a rotten idea and sets a lot of men up for trouble.
Myth #5: "A man's sexuality is a ravenous, snarling beast that should be kept in a cage until he's married."
I admit I've never heard it put that way, but the implication is out there. Any lecture or book on dating inevitably includes something about sex (and, yes, this one does too). Frequently, the message is "Control yourself! Your sex drive is out to get you! It's just waiting for one weak moment to jump out and turn you into a nymphomaniac and demolish your soul." And then we wonder why so many Christians end up with sexual problems, both before and after marriage.
The Bible tells us to save sex for marriage (1Cor. 7:2). That's crucial. But you knew that already. The problem is we tend to emphasize this prohibition and leave it at that. No one talks about sexuality before marriage because sexuality before marriage is
bad.
This leaves us with a small problem. Our sexuality is part of who we are from the moment we're born. If you take away a man's sexuality, you take away his identity. Your sexuality will be there, playing an active role, from the moment you ask a woman out. In fact, without sexuality, men wouldn't date. They'd play video games and eat pizza. Our sexuality is what gets us interested in women in the first place, and that's a good thing.
Did you think God gave you a sex drive just to torture you until you got married? There are plenty of things God does that I don't understand, but he's not cruel. Many people confuse sexual drives with sinful desires. Though sexual drives, like all drives, can become sinful, they're holy in their raw state. Yes, I said holy. Your sex drive comes from God. If you don't think that makes it holy, take it up with him.
