The separation saga- help please!

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GreenNnice

Guest
#21
#21
Katy said: Right now I'm just taking everything quite literally 'one day at a time'. All I can do to get by is to focus on the day ahead of me, and the things I need to do.

I am just praying for Gods guidance in this situation, because I surely can't deal with it myself. I have no idea where/what I'm supposed to do from here, but I'm waiting on God to find out.
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Katydid, the Lord leads, yes, take everything slowly, one step with Him now. Pray ceaselessly for God's miraculous guidance. Be rocked in His arms, pick up some good christian books (as He leads you) at a local christian bookstore and don't forget to feed on The Word for answers too. God is always giving us answers through Him. He is our best help, always there, in danger, Psalms 46:1 and , in times of discouragement He tells us 'to be of good cheer,' which is the phrase Jesus told His apostles after He said that this world will have troubles and tribulations (John 16:33). All these things will happen, it is life, milady, but be of good cheer :)

God bless you, young lady
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#22
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
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#22
iraasuup said:
Well here's the dealio

I caught him out in an online situation. He apparently had profiles on some hook-up sites or something, I dunno, and I found emails he had sent to girls. Explicit emails, asking for umm pictures... quite detailed requests for pictures..

I confronted him, at first he lied about it. But then knew because I had the evidence in front of me, that he couldn't deny it. He claims there has been no actual physical affair with another woman (as far as I'm aware thats true, but who knows)...so then I installed a blocker on the computer and pleaded with him to get help. He was too proud to admit he had a problem, and wanted to know why 'I couldn't help him'... so long story short, I forgave him and tried to encourage him. We discussed his feelings and issues, I tried to make 'changes' to please him, and I bought books etc and read them with him.

This particular issue is only one of MANY, but it was probably one of the most hard-hitting. It took me awhile to realise that his behaviour there was no different to actually being involved in an affair.. and at that point I decided to stay in the marriage.

So, I believe I already have grounds biblically. But it's still not easy. I chose to forgive him. I chose to move on, but many of the other issues were never resolved and the issue mentioned above... well I dunno. I have my suspicions.
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Jesus said that if a man just looks at a woman with lust in his heart he has committed adultery.
 
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Stuey

Senior Member
#23
Aug 17, 2009
892
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#23
zeroturbulence said:
Jesus said that if a man just looks at a woman with lust in his heart he has committed adultery.
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Mathew 5 27

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."


I really think you guys are going about this the wrong way. This is an absolutely awful situation but I don't believe that we should be looking for the fastest way out or to free someone as early as possible from a marriage, and I believe to give this sort of advice is a horrible thing to do! Committing adultery in the heart is not the same as actually committing adultery. If it is then every married person has the right to divorce and remarry who they want, which is simply ridiculous. They are both sins but the latter has far worse and far greater consequences.

What he has done to you is horrible Katie and I suspect there is a lot more that you haven't mentioned. :( Pray, take things slowly and the Lord will look after you.

Katie may I ask, is your Husband still going to church, if so, is his pastor aware of the struggles he has been having with lust? I'm guessing you have already been through this channel but if he isn't you are well within your rights to inform him and get his pastor to challenge him. Also on a side note, it may help you to lose yourself in some hobbies or other things, distraction can be good at horrible times.

Will be praying for you and I'm sorry if I have seemed callous in any way.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#24
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
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#24
I'm not looking for a fast way out for her. I am looking for a sound justification.

Why do you think Jesus mentioned adultery in the heart at all? Its so that men will know that they are committing adultery when they look at a woman with lust. You are trying to say there are two levels of adultery - mental adultery and physical adultery. There are not two levels. That is why Jesus made it clear that mental adultery is adultery.

Exodus 20:14 simply says "You shall not commit adultery." It does not make exceptions for mental adultery.
 
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violakat

Guest
#25
#25
iraasuup said:
But what defines an 'unbeliever'?

How can I determine another persons beliefs? I mean, I'm not the judge, God is.

I do know we were definitely on different pages spiritually, and I felt like I was waiting for him to catch up, or even for him to have the same desire or longing for intimacy with Christ... but I don't know if I could go as far declaring him an 'unbeliever'.

Do you know what I mean?
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I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's probably not a believer. Based on what some people have said in their feelings on him, what you have said, and what I think you mentioned others have said to you, he's not a Christian. Someone who is a follower of Christ will bear the fruits of Christ.

"22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:22-24

Does any of that sound like your husband? From what I understand, no. And for some reason, I have a feeling you are saying that he's been unfaithful to you as well, or that you suspect that he might have been.

That doesn't sound like a man who has Christ as Lord of his heart, but instead a man still ruled by the World. And your right, we can't judge a person's salvation, however, we are given wisdom and discernment to know if someone is probably a Christian or not, by their actions.
 
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violakat

Guest
#26
#26
Stuey said:
Mathew 5 27

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."


I really think you guys are going about this the wrong way. This is an absolutely awful situation but I don't believe that we should be looking for the fastest way out or to free someone as early as possible from a marriage, and I believe to give this sort of advice is a horrible thing to do! Committing adultery in the heart is not the same as actually committing adultery. If it is then every married person has the right to divorce and remarry who they want, which is simply ridiculous. They are both sins but the latter has far worse and far greater consequences.

What he has done to you is horrible Katie and I suspect there is a lot more that you haven't mentioned. :( Pray, take things slowly and the Lord will look after you.

Katie may I ask, is your Husband still going to church, if so, is his pastor aware of the struggles he has been having with lust? I'm guessing you have already been through this channel but if he isn't you are well within your rights to inform him and get his pastor to challenge him. Also on a side note, it may help you to lose yourself in some hobbies or other things, distraction can be good at horrible times.

Will be praying for you and I'm sorry if I have seemed callous in any way.
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In this case, Stuey, he wasn't just thinking it, he was acting on his urges, which is still sin, and was trying to be unfaithful to his wife.
 
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iraasuup

Guest
#27
#27
Yes, there are many other issues not just the pseudo adultery thing.

We tried many times to address those issues, but nothing ever changed. I tried and tried, but I felt like he never did. Now, I look back and think maybe that was intentional on his part, maybe he was trying to push me away.

I don't think anyone is trying to offer me a fast way out, but the fact remains, that he has clearly stated he has no desire to reconcile. He has told me outright, he 'doesn't love me, and never really did. We should never have been married. He cares about me, but he doesnt miss me, he only misses the sex. He's happier now than he's ever been, etc etc'. Those are very clear feelings.

I'm not gonna sit here holding onto hope for something that is not going to happen- short of God striking him with a lightning bolt. So in an effort to heal, and get through each day, I'm coming to the realisation that the marriage is 'over'.

I have tried to keep the lines of communication open. For a while I had to ask him not to communicate with me unless he had something super important I needed to know, as it hurt too much, especially since he was talking like everything was fine and dandy. I've since moved past that, and recently we had been having civil communication, but only ever by text or email or facebook message.

Just this week however, he has closed his facebook account. He claims he is making some positive changes in his life (which I have encouraged him for as he needed to make these particular changed), BUT I'm still skeptical and uncertain. Knowing the person he is, as I do, my gut tells me he has closed his facebook to avoid communication with me, and I have a feeling he will re-open it again under an alias name. There are a couple of other little things that still don't sit right with me either.

So, my point is, I don't believe I should sit around waiting for something that is not going to happen. It would only cause me more pain.
 
Pheonix

Pheonix

Senior Member
#28
Jan 17, 2007
578
7
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#28
I've never been married myself, but I remember what my mother went through when my dad left. One thing especially I remember was the people in our church who were well meaning in trying to help her cope but since they couldn't possibly understand, they unintentionally made mom feeling worse. I certainly hope this is not the case with our attempts to support you during your difficult time. The one thing we should all be careful of is that we don't accidentally throw acid on the wounds, or attack this hurting young woman. If I have done so I apologize, it was unintentional.
 
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christiankat

Guest
#29
#29
I need help with dealing with a situation.I have been married almost 20 years and this past Jan my husband filed for a divorce.We are both Christians.His reason for a divorce is that he said that we both think about every thing in opposite lines of thought also the way I love is not the way he looks at love.He said the kind of love that can get you hurt in some ways but also bring you lots of joy but he said I dont know how to give that kind of love and that theres always been a wall between us.When I married my husband for me it was a lifetime comittment Iam so torn by this and I dont know how to deal with it.My husband said that he believes that we werent ment to be together and there is no way for us to reconcile.How can I cope with this? Please help.


Kat
 
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