J
JoyESS1
Guest
Warning: this may be long and rambly so if you read it, please be patient with me as God is not finished with me yet.
At my church Bible Study class on Thursdays, we are studying the book of Job. This is a daunting book to me for many reasons. 1. It is long. 2. It is intense. 3. It is sometimes too close to home and thus painful.
I confess to you by brethren and to God that I have not been as attentive to His word as I should have been. I have trusted my brain that God gave me instead of the God who gave me the brain. I have trusted my own understanding instead of His clear Word. I have not prayed without ceasing or studied His Word night and day. I have rested in what I have learned up to now instead of continuing to study to show myself approved. I have dared to teach without re-studying and relied on prayer only as a way to talk to God and not to listen to Him.
Nevertheless, like Job, I protest to those of you who have accused me of suffering because of my sins. I protest to those of you who would say that my suffering (or that of any child of God's through the righteousness of Christ) is a result of God's punishment, chastisement, discipline, wrath or even necessarily for proving, testing or tempering my faith. I protest those who would and have told me that I needed to pray more, have more faith, stop complaining, leave the Christian Chat rooms, accused me of breaking the rules of Christian Chat, told me to write every single problem down and give it to Jesus (as if I was not already doing so--although that one I did work at materially (on paper) for a bit until the list became humanly unmanageable and brought searing pain to my heart as I recalled each thing in order to give it away precisely and consciously instead of focusing on Him alone) and complained that I was twisting scripture, too needy, and not trusting God enough, and more.
I protest these accusations because like Job, I am righteous. Job spoke before the physical coming of the Lord Jesus (who nevertheless was "crucified before the foundation of the world") of God who might slay him and who was still his only advocate, intercessor and redeemer from that fearsome God in the whirlwind. We know now that he spoke of the 2nd person of the trinity, his savior, and ours, Jesus. And it was through the eternally shed blood of Jesus, the center of all of history (Job looking forward in time and us looking backward in time to He who is is in eternity yet stepped into time for us) that Job could claim his righteousness and know that he was not being punished for his particular sins. So also do I claim that same righteousness and tell you in truth that while I am a vile sinner still, I am a saint before God's throne and God does not punish His saints.
My sufferings in the past year have included but not been limited to: The repeated loss of shelter and the continued threat of further loss of shelter. The conditions of the shelter I am living in that makes it nearly uninhabitable and is exacerbating my health problems but about which I fear to complain due to the short availability of shelter to me. The loss of status and income to an extreme level as measured by even others who suffer poverty and reverses. The continued loss of health, loss of assistance to prevent further loss of health or reverse the extant losses of health or even mediate the consequences of loss of health including many bodily indignities and constant unremitting physical pain. The harsh loss of the love and support of earthly family. The physical loss of my mother whom I was just coming to know. The loss of the physical presence of many many friends. The near death of my husband. Hearing and witnessing my husband's presumed blasphemy, shame, and humiliation. Having my husband (who is also one of God's dearly beloved and called children) ask me to make a suicide pact with him. Repeated dashings of hopes as I tried to do what I thought was God's will for me. Repeated refusals, by many people in many institutions that say they offer help, in "nice" words, to do anything at all because I am too old, too young, too poor, too rich, too fat, too Christian, not Christian enough, not the right kind of Christian, have the wrong diagnoses, or they don't have funds, time, volunteers, personnel, or it isn't their job or responsibility. All of these refusals even when professionals involved feared I would die imminently if I was not helped immediately.
I list the above knowing that there are those among you who have or believe you have experienced the same sufferings or who have yet to experience them. I do not list them to elicit your pity or even compassion. I also am not seeking advice. I only list them to add weight to my protest and demonstrate that I am not a liar when I say that for some others, my suffering may have been too great for them. I thought many times that I could not bear it any longer but I sought "the consolation of the brethren" in these rooms. When I thought I was too tired to pray or read His Word on my own, I thought (for right or wrong) that I would receive love, kindness, understanding, mutuality, and an honest openness to sharing the precious Word of God. And very often I did receive those very things and in abundance. I do not write to complain or be ungrateful. I do write to protest the injustices that I was also given in what I thought was a part of the "heart of God"
A part of my sufferings were long ago and led to some of the current sufferings. I have written elsewhere about my dissociative identity disorder (which I now see as a gift from God that protected my mind from the pain for a time and that He has seen fit to let me feel a bit of now (and I do not know about you, but I know many of my clients have told me and I personally agree, that emotional pain is much worse than physical pain and is what drives many to suicide much more often than physical pain does.) For some reason, some people never remember some pain of the past or even any pain of the past. For some people God either never reveals it or takes it away immediately or takes it away later in life. Sometimes He does this through His word directly, through His sacraments, through His people, and even through secular resources whom He sovreignly controls for our good.
As Christians we are called to forgive and that is an objective act, a choice made only because after being born "dead in trespass and sin" and in bondage to sin and death; we have been made alive through Christ's objective act of atonement and are new creatures and thus have truly free wills and can chose to forgive and trust Him to fill in the holes left by the wounds we forgive. This sometimes happens instantly and sometimes takes time and sometimes may never seem to happen in this life at all. Forgiveness does not always insure forgetting or even keep us from responses we wish we didn't have. Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as ignoring even as acceptance is NOT the same thing as approval. Forgiveness on our part is simply letting the other person off our hook and praying for God's mercy for them. It does NOT involve being still around the person who harmed you unless circumstances make it safe....and that is true EVEN if your harmer is a fellow believer. I choose as an act of my free will in Jesus to forgive those here who have hurt me even if it was purposeful and meant for my harm and even if it was inadvertent and meant for my good.
So, again like Job, the wounds I received from the devil, even those sent by God Himself were added to by the wounds of some of you, my friends--my friends in Christ and in the name of Christ. Like Job this added to the bitterness of my suffering and to my despair of life. But by the sheer grace of God, I also know that my redeemer lives and that no matter what, even if I am hated, reviled, attacked, mocked, misunderstood, or in any way suffer more still, MY REDEEMER LIVES and I will yet see Him in my flesh. This I can and will cling to so help me God.
Now that I have lodged my protest against the injustices to me by some on this site, I also want to protest the injustices I see and hear done to others who also come here seeking "the consolation of the brethren" and especially for those who come here and don't know why. I want to "beseech you brethren, by the mercies of Christ to love one another." I do not mean to ignore blatant sin or ignorance or false teachers. I chose to "hang out" mostly in The Bible Study room because when the Word of God goes forth, it does not return void and where the Word is, Jesus is, for He is the living Word and thus there is God and thus Love. Some I have know have avoided that room because they are hurt by what seems to be contentiousness instead of sincere seeking or correcting or discussion. And of course whenever there are sinners gathered together doing as I confessed at the front of this letter, there will be sin and hurt and harm. We can see this in the many institutions of men (including some churches) where people gather together to do some "good" under their own power and strength (governments, businesses, clubs, charities and more) which end up all too often becoming harmful to the very people they set out to help and thus commit "'corporate sins" which compound the sins of the individuals. But we are nevertheless called to NOT forsake the assembling of ourselves together and in fact to assemble more as the great and terrible Day approaches. We are called to fitly joined together into the body of Christ, the bride of Christ. This is not easy or painless for we are melted and molded and sieved and have the chaff and dross removed in the process. It is NOT pretty or for the faint-hearted.
I confess that as an American, I have NOT suffered in any way compared to my brethren in other countries, especially where Christians are actively persecuted, hated, tortured, defrauded, and even killed. I have shed blood more than once and that because of my faith but I am still alive and still loved by my husband, pastor, church family, some of you and others. I can still obtain food and even so far have been able to keep internet (albeit slowest available) and phone so that I do not lose contact with you. God does not promise that we here in America or "the West" will not suffer these things mentioned above. He never promised this to us. He does promise that "it is through MUCH tribulation" we will enter His kingdom. I may fear that in my flesh and I may resist it in my flesh and I may like some of you seek to mitigate it in myself or others by even "accidentally" wresting scripture to your hurt like has been done to me. But while we may walk the "glory road", it is "the way of the cross" that is the path of our salvation. And we are to "bear one another's burdens."
I ask you to consider like Job's friends, to sit in silence with me and these words for a time. I ask you to consider your own sufferings and to read, yes take the time even if it is again, Job thoroughly, asking the Holy Spirit to guide you and show you God's love to you, personally, in this one book which might have as its title, your name.
I do not know if I can bear to come back to the chat rooms. I do not know if I will respond to you even if you respond to me. I know less now than I did before even having learned so much more. I know that the suffering is far from over for me and my house. It is even painful to sit with my own pastor whom I know loves God, His word, His people, the people in the church he serves and yes, even me and my husband despite our numerous sins and neediness. It is painful to see my husband's fear and shame at returning to our church home where there are few people in number and fewer still who even know what happened and an unknown number who may forgive. And that in light of how I defined forgiveness above. It is painful to be painted with my husband's sins as well as my own but we joined together by God and not man so not even we can put our marriage asunder after having forgiven the past and moved on in Jesus' glorious grace.
I know that I will stumble more and forget everything I have said here. The greatest consequence of my sin nature is that I forget. I therefore must not give up hearing, learning, studying, reading or inwardly digesting the Word. And for Jesus' sake neither can you.
Amen, Joy Elizabeth Sarah St. John ([email protected] is my personal email in case I don't come back to this site.)
At my church Bible Study class on Thursdays, we are studying the book of Job. This is a daunting book to me for many reasons. 1. It is long. 2. It is intense. 3. It is sometimes too close to home and thus painful.
I confess to you by brethren and to God that I have not been as attentive to His word as I should have been. I have trusted my brain that God gave me instead of the God who gave me the brain. I have trusted my own understanding instead of His clear Word. I have not prayed without ceasing or studied His Word night and day. I have rested in what I have learned up to now instead of continuing to study to show myself approved. I have dared to teach without re-studying and relied on prayer only as a way to talk to God and not to listen to Him.
Nevertheless, like Job, I protest to those of you who have accused me of suffering because of my sins. I protest to those of you who would say that my suffering (or that of any child of God's through the righteousness of Christ) is a result of God's punishment, chastisement, discipline, wrath or even necessarily for proving, testing or tempering my faith. I protest those who would and have told me that I needed to pray more, have more faith, stop complaining, leave the Christian Chat rooms, accused me of breaking the rules of Christian Chat, told me to write every single problem down and give it to Jesus (as if I was not already doing so--although that one I did work at materially (on paper) for a bit until the list became humanly unmanageable and brought searing pain to my heart as I recalled each thing in order to give it away precisely and consciously instead of focusing on Him alone) and complained that I was twisting scripture, too needy, and not trusting God enough, and more.
I protest these accusations because like Job, I am righteous. Job spoke before the physical coming of the Lord Jesus (who nevertheless was "crucified before the foundation of the world") of God who might slay him and who was still his only advocate, intercessor and redeemer from that fearsome God in the whirlwind. We know now that he spoke of the 2nd person of the trinity, his savior, and ours, Jesus. And it was through the eternally shed blood of Jesus, the center of all of history (Job looking forward in time and us looking backward in time to He who is is in eternity yet stepped into time for us) that Job could claim his righteousness and know that he was not being punished for his particular sins. So also do I claim that same righteousness and tell you in truth that while I am a vile sinner still, I am a saint before God's throne and God does not punish His saints.
My sufferings in the past year have included but not been limited to: The repeated loss of shelter and the continued threat of further loss of shelter. The conditions of the shelter I am living in that makes it nearly uninhabitable and is exacerbating my health problems but about which I fear to complain due to the short availability of shelter to me. The loss of status and income to an extreme level as measured by even others who suffer poverty and reverses. The continued loss of health, loss of assistance to prevent further loss of health or reverse the extant losses of health or even mediate the consequences of loss of health including many bodily indignities and constant unremitting physical pain. The harsh loss of the love and support of earthly family. The physical loss of my mother whom I was just coming to know. The loss of the physical presence of many many friends. The near death of my husband. Hearing and witnessing my husband's presumed blasphemy, shame, and humiliation. Having my husband (who is also one of God's dearly beloved and called children) ask me to make a suicide pact with him. Repeated dashings of hopes as I tried to do what I thought was God's will for me. Repeated refusals, by many people in many institutions that say they offer help, in "nice" words, to do anything at all because I am too old, too young, too poor, too rich, too fat, too Christian, not Christian enough, not the right kind of Christian, have the wrong diagnoses, or they don't have funds, time, volunteers, personnel, or it isn't their job or responsibility. All of these refusals even when professionals involved feared I would die imminently if I was not helped immediately.
I list the above knowing that there are those among you who have or believe you have experienced the same sufferings or who have yet to experience them. I do not list them to elicit your pity or even compassion. I also am not seeking advice. I only list them to add weight to my protest and demonstrate that I am not a liar when I say that for some others, my suffering may have been too great for them. I thought many times that I could not bear it any longer but I sought "the consolation of the brethren" in these rooms. When I thought I was too tired to pray or read His Word on my own, I thought (for right or wrong) that I would receive love, kindness, understanding, mutuality, and an honest openness to sharing the precious Word of God. And very often I did receive those very things and in abundance. I do not write to complain or be ungrateful. I do write to protest the injustices that I was also given in what I thought was a part of the "heart of God"
A part of my sufferings were long ago and led to some of the current sufferings. I have written elsewhere about my dissociative identity disorder (which I now see as a gift from God that protected my mind from the pain for a time and that He has seen fit to let me feel a bit of now (and I do not know about you, but I know many of my clients have told me and I personally agree, that emotional pain is much worse than physical pain and is what drives many to suicide much more often than physical pain does.) For some reason, some people never remember some pain of the past or even any pain of the past. For some people God either never reveals it or takes it away immediately or takes it away later in life. Sometimes He does this through His word directly, through His sacraments, through His people, and even through secular resources whom He sovreignly controls for our good.
As Christians we are called to forgive and that is an objective act, a choice made only because after being born "dead in trespass and sin" and in bondage to sin and death; we have been made alive through Christ's objective act of atonement and are new creatures and thus have truly free wills and can chose to forgive and trust Him to fill in the holes left by the wounds we forgive. This sometimes happens instantly and sometimes takes time and sometimes may never seem to happen in this life at all. Forgiveness does not always insure forgetting or even keep us from responses we wish we didn't have. Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as ignoring even as acceptance is NOT the same thing as approval. Forgiveness on our part is simply letting the other person off our hook and praying for God's mercy for them. It does NOT involve being still around the person who harmed you unless circumstances make it safe....and that is true EVEN if your harmer is a fellow believer. I choose as an act of my free will in Jesus to forgive those here who have hurt me even if it was purposeful and meant for my harm and even if it was inadvertent and meant for my good.
So, again like Job, the wounds I received from the devil, even those sent by God Himself were added to by the wounds of some of you, my friends--my friends in Christ and in the name of Christ. Like Job this added to the bitterness of my suffering and to my despair of life. But by the sheer grace of God, I also know that my redeemer lives and that no matter what, even if I am hated, reviled, attacked, mocked, misunderstood, or in any way suffer more still, MY REDEEMER LIVES and I will yet see Him in my flesh. This I can and will cling to so help me God.
Now that I have lodged my protest against the injustices to me by some on this site, I also want to protest the injustices I see and hear done to others who also come here seeking "the consolation of the brethren" and especially for those who come here and don't know why. I want to "beseech you brethren, by the mercies of Christ to love one another." I do not mean to ignore blatant sin or ignorance or false teachers. I chose to "hang out" mostly in The Bible Study room because when the Word of God goes forth, it does not return void and where the Word is, Jesus is, for He is the living Word and thus there is God and thus Love. Some I have know have avoided that room because they are hurt by what seems to be contentiousness instead of sincere seeking or correcting or discussion. And of course whenever there are sinners gathered together doing as I confessed at the front of this letter, there will be sin and hurt and harm. We can see this in the many institutions of men (including some churches) where people gather together to do some "good" under their own power and strength (governments, businesses, clubs, charities and more) which end up all too often becoming harmful to the very people they set out to help and thus commit "'corporate sins" which compound the sins of the individuals. But we are nevertheless called to NOT forsake the assembling of ourselves together and in fact to assemble more as the great and terrible Day approaches. We are called to fitly joined together into the body of Christ, the bride of Christ. This is not easy or painless for we are melted and molded and sieved and have the chaff and dross removed in the process. It is NOT pretty or for the faint-hearted.
I confess that as an American, I have NOT suffered in any way compared to my brethren in other countries, especially where Christians are actively persecuted, hated, tortured, defrauded, and even killed. I have shed blood more than once and that because of my faith but I am still alive and still loved by my husband, pastor, church family, some of you and others. I can still obtain food and even so far have been able to keep internet (albeit slowest available) and phone so that I do not lose contact with you. God does not promise that we here in America or "the West" will not suffer these things mentioned above. He never promised this to us. He does promise that "it is through MUCH tribulation" we will enter His kingdom. I may fear that in my flesh and I may resist it in my flesh and I may like some of you seek to mitigate it in myself or others by even "accidentally" wresting scripture to your hurt like has been done to me. But while we may walk the "glory road", it is "the way of the cross" that is the path of our salvation. And we are to "bear one another's burdens."
I ask you to consider like Job's friends, to sit in silence with me and these words for a time. I ask you to consider your own sufferings and to read, yes take the time even if it is again, Job thoroughly, asking the Holy Spirit to guide you and show you God's love to you, personally, in this one book which might have as its title, your name.
I do not know if I can bear to come back to the chat rooms. I do not know if I will respond to you even if you respond to me. I know less now than I did before even having learned so much more. I know that the suffering is far from over for me and my house. It is even painful to sit with my own pastor whom I know loves God, His word, His people, the people in the church he serves and yes, even me and my husband despite our numerous sins and neediness. It is painful to see my husband's fear and shame at returning to our church home where there are few people in number and fewer still who even know what happened and an unknown number who may forgive. And that in light of how I defined forgiveness above. It is painful to be painted with my husband's sins as well as my own but we joined together by God and not man so not even we can put our marriage asunder after having forgiven the past and moved on in Jesus' glorious grace.
I know that I will stumble more and forget everything I have said here. The greatest consequence of my sin nature is that I forget. I therefore must not give up hearing, learning, studying, reading or inwardly digesting the Word. And for Jesus' sake neither can you.
Amen, Joy Elizabeth Sarah St. John ([email protected] is my personal email in case I don't come back to this site.)