hi, wow i m thankful to hear this or kind off. im embarresed for what i have to say but hopping some one to say this. im so embarrased n out of words. i myself a girl cheated at my husband not so long ago. i want to die. i dont want GOD to forgiveme for iwhat i did. giving me hope when i need it most. all i can say im afarid to feel HIM.i dont even want my husband around me cause im in pure. im hurt on how can someone love or still be with me for all of what ive done. im not at peace. i ask GOD to forgive me but im still not at peace. most of the time i wish something bad would happen to me.but even with this scaryness in my heart, i kind of dont want GOD to help me out,just to let me haveit. for i deserve it. my heart, feelings had die. i dodnt want to love, nor be loved, nor talk to like i desrve it. i hate my self.n i hate going to church cause how can i ask for forgiveness, when i myself made d choice. not caring, not concern of the pain. just concern of d pleasure n satisfying my needs. now im scared of the life of my kids once they find out n the life they will live.
i can imagine there sadness n the trust all fall away.from us, but mostly from me. i can say how sad i am for doing this. all i hear constantly in my body."leave your husband. all the time. " im scare of leaving him,because of my kids, of what GOD would want me to do. al the time i ask and c myself without my husband.i find my self at peace.knowing taht he would hate me at somepoint or feeel sorry for me but withoput me knowing it or seeing it. thats what kills me the most. i dont even want to taste something sweet, or c love stories or couple cuddling eachother because it makes me mad n even furious.
i dont have any excuse for what i did. i would be crazy to find one. ill i new i had to say it cause GOD wanted me too. if i wanted to be saved. im even ammazed on how things went when i told my husband what i did.he didnt kick me out of the house, nor hit me, or curse me out.my mother in law was hurt devastated she didnt want to c me for days. his sister wanted to attack me but she control herself.out of her heart she spoke out loud wanted me to hear and understand what was going out inside of her. my mom was so confused. not knowing what to say. she ask for forgive in behalf of me. my sisters cry for what i did.not knowing what would happen to my kids n me. those days where awfull. until we reached a certain day to talk all headhouse holds about htis problem my husband n i stay together.during the time i ask GOD to help me put on what to do. that i didnt want to make another mistake, a terrible one for my kids. my husbans coo-workers found out. my husbanb girl-friend for more than 3 years found out from which i didnt know anyhting at all.
during the talk i held inside my heart lots of things that where said n theywerent true. but i thought to my self now is not the time to fight for this things, since i the most condemm on this.but im not at peace. later during the time pass by. my husband told me some things that hurted me so much so i thought to my self. then what am i doing here. what am i. if he never loved me all this time. if he only wish i had been his other pass girlfriend the one hes been waiting for all this time. that he did it because of the kids. n other stuff. that hurt me so much n makes me not ot belive that he loves me or wants me back. just wants me to explode n get it over my self. so he can say i was the one.
i know it sounds like im the victim now n for u to judge him n say. so hear comes the problem. no just let me speak my mind. i havent talk to one for a long time about whats going inside of me. then let GOD judge me n take control over this. i feel like i have no word or what so ever to say.i sometimes ask that the wall or things would come n hugg me ,let me cry n say is okay. everything is going to be ok.forgive me for saying this but sometimes im mad at GOD for letting this happen tp me. not for what i did. but for my husband staying quiet about all this feelings for this whole time. i believe on him i trusted him.even in the bad times he was my husband the untouchable, the one who would never think of another or wish he was with pass or future girl. but it was the opposite. n now i hate my self sometimes for letting him know how i felt, how i did it, who n where everything happen. everything about my life i told him cause i thought he would understand. not knowing that he was human too. taking all things tahat he did to me taht tehy were all right. but when ever i pray to GOD. i would cry out i dont want to be here. cause i feel so alone thta i had to do everything n not knowing anything. thats how he always seen me. that i dont know anything, dont know how to have a political conversation, bible conversation, cleaning, cooking,hoew to take care of kids or the intamacy. it came to a point where he complain about my body how fat n ugly, but with this hatefull word taht at some point i thought he was joking. because he liked to joked around. it someimes made me think that it got me lost of myself my belief n my strenghts for what little i had from GOD. but still i might be wrong. u know that when your in pain n hurt u think of things n someone to blame off. just to feel at peace and find a reason. i still say i had no excuse. now he hates my family, even though he doesnt say it the way he expresses of them shows it. i get really sad. cause if before i didnt talk or visist them taht often now is worst. i even ask my mom not to call me when hes here, nor to come to my house cause he doesnt want to c them at all.althoug when the few times they come he acts like is not true n hurts me.but what can i expect. perfectness no.
now im more saddder then ever. i thought i was ttrying hard enough to llok for GOD.by fasting, praying, beegiing for forgiveness n still dont feel nothing. but to be honest im afraid of failing again, of feeling the purity of HIS love n that maybe im not sincere enough with HIM>. n here i am wanting to talk to someone about htis. looking n asking where to go. n i found you guys. cause GOD said."Arent there any children of GOD to go to counsel for u to go to out side world so they could say where is your GOD." yeah too late for that jah. well imsorry but i do refused to go to counseling to someone who doesnt know about GOD> i heard that some of them give the wrong information or medicine to deal with it. the GOD that i know is not like that. HE heals n it heals. HE says n is said.the GOD that i know is powerfull . i get sad i again.im not worthy of saying this speciall words to u. but thank u for hearing n praying for people like us.
but my biggest prayer that i ask of al to pray that GOD heals his pain(husban n all of yours n family). im so hurtfull for causing u shame n pain. i dont know how to take it awy. if with life(death). sacrifice. or just staying away with out saying anything at all.
as for my husband his singging at church once more n now he even satrted preaching. the few times ive ben ther with him i feel so ashamed unworthy for carriing this shame on him n family.not knowing sometimes if i should go or stay, sing or pray, say that im free, or alive. n also if i should pass to sign to GOD or not for letting me live until this day in HIS presence undesrveving presence.
not only that but it grew a big jeouslousy to this girl who seeks GOD trully but is also to closed to my husband. n he talks to her just as he talk to me when we were starting going out. sometimes i guess that the will be my husband pay for tolerating all of my things n me taking GOD for granted like him.there is no excuse for all my doings in my life. but if im not a true christian in front of GOD sadly but true HE HIMSELF can cast me out. no matter what i say or do.
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that now he says he
Ok so im gonna rant for a bit..ive seen it time and time again and one more time someone i care about and am close to is caught cheating on their spouse. This person is ,was, who even knows at this point ...a christian . now im not sayin that we dont fail and fall of course we do..but ppl puhleeze!! i keep seein this same pattern over and over , in the church , ministering the gospel in some form or another , proclaiming their christianity yet walkin..living out this sinful ,knowingly sinful life!! it makes me sick. i can imagine how it makes God feel . the ppl that are hurt and the damage that is done is enormous! Do ppl even get it , what are they thinking??? Let alone draggin the christian faith thru the mud, to me its like spitting in Gods face.My heart aches
im done now...for a bit anyway. think ima go cry now
