J
I have been a Christian for about 12 years. I've been in ministry for as long as I can remember. I've always loved serving him. I have always been very involved. I do a lot because I love doing it. I lead worship. I sing back up. I teach 1st-3rd graders. I work full time at a non-profit ministry to at-risk urban youth. I love the Lord and I love serving Him... but at this point, I feel like I'm am floating out in space waiting to be reeled in. I know I'm anchored in Christ, but I feel like I am floating alone.
I recently had a new trauma in my life. A family friend, whom I was closed to, made a physical pass at me. Since then, a lot of my past has resurfaced. We met and had a reconciliation, but there is still a lot in the air. The pastor of my church started paying for me to see a counselor. I've seen her twice. The first meeting, I spent solely trying to explain how everyone in my family was related. The second meeting was just going through the majority of the abuse and neglect I endured at the hands of both parents, and other people outside the family. I've spent a lot of time dealing with my father issues. I've had a little counseling (not Christian). I've been through every form of desert stream ministries, an 8 week series called Hope and Healing, and much more, and have received a lot of healing. However, just this past year, my mother issues have caught me by surprise. I've spent my whole life trying to decide whether my father was wicked or weak. As I was sharing everything that happened with him, my counselor was convinced that it was wickedness. I was molested in many ways from the time I was born until I was about 7 or 8. My sister was molested for a time that I am certain of. And he was also arrested for exposing himself to a retarded 16-year-old girl. When he was caught (for everything) he played dumb. She also let me know that my mother was a horrible mother.
I've always been told I was dramatic. I've fought my whole life not to be perceived as such. So, admitting this, I am at great risk of coming off as exaggerating. I've always admitted my abuse, but with a lot of separation... almost as if I was talking about someone else, or as if it was something that was normal.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do with my family. I don't know where to stand with them. I don't know how to proceed with my life in that truth that my dad is a pedophile and my mother allowed and placed me in a lot of the situations in which I was abused.
My foundation is in Christ. I know that. I am planted deep in Him, He also gave me a picture last night as I was praying. I was this lonely little sheep getting along on my own, and He came to draw me in the fold and give me a community. I was planted deep in a firm foundation. I really didn't move, but the foudation, in a sense, was two layers thick. The bottom was based in truth. This is really where my feet were planted. But on top of that was another layer. It's was like jello. Almost any movement cause it's to shake. While I never moved, everything else around was shaking and to me it seemed that I was shaking with it.
Pray as the Lord leads...
I recently had a new trauma in my life. A family friend, whom I was closed to, made a physical pass at me. Since then, a lot of my past has resurfaced. We met and had a reconciliation, but there is still a lot in the air. The pastor of my church started paying for me to see a counselor. I've seen her twice. The first meeting, I spent solely trying to explain how everyone in my family was related. The second meeting was just going through the majority of the abuse and neglect I endured at the hands of both parents, and other people outside the family. I've spent a lot of time dealing with my father issues. I've had a little counseling (not Christian). I've been through every form of desert stream ministries, an 8 week series called Hope and Healing, and much more, and have received a lot of healing. However, just this past year, my mother issues have caught me by surprise. I've spent my whole life trying to decide whether my father was wicked or weak. As I was sharing everything that happened with him, my counselor was convinced that it was wickedness. I was molested in many ways from the time I was born until I was about 7 or 8. My sister was molested for a time that I am certain of. And he was also arrested for exposing himself to a retarded 16-year-old girl. When he was caught (for everything) he played dumb. She also let me know that my mother was a horrible mother.
I've always been told I was dramatic. I've fought my whole life not to be perceived as such. So, admitting this, I am at great risk of coming off as exaggerating. I've always admitted my abuse, but with a lot of separation... almost as if I was talking about someone else, or as if it was something that was normal.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do with my family. I don't know where to stand with them. I don't know how to proceed with my life in that truth that my dad is a pedophile and my mother allowed and placed me in a lot of the situations in which I was abused.
My foundation is in Christ. I know that. I am planted deep in Him, He also gave me a picture last night as I was praying. I was this lonely little sheep getting along on my own, and He came to draw me in the fold and give me a community. I was planted deep in a firm foundation. I really didn't move, but the foudation, in a sense, was two layers thick. The bottom was based in truth. This is really where my feet were planted. But on top of that was another layer. It's was like jello. Almost any movement cause it's to shake. While I never moved, everything else around was shaking and to me it seemed that I was shaking with it.
Pray as the Lord leads...
