What Do I Do? Stay or Divorce

[Redeemed01]

I ask first and formost for your prayer. I do value opinions but at this time I am seeking guidance and wisdom according to the Word of God. I am at a fork in the road and I do not know which way to go. My vision is blured but I don't want to make the wrong turn and end up lost or take a detour I can very well avoid. I am a woman who loves the Lord and truly seek His will.

My husband and I are slowly approaching 19 years of marriage and in this union we have 2 children, ages 18 and 8. We are both in leadership positions in the church. My husband has a terrible lust spirit and an addiction to pornography and has been struggling with it for past 8 years. I have tried and tried to be patient and wait on the Lord for delieverance but it has yet to happen. He blames me for his addiction and everything else he lacks in his life. He lashes out in misery every single day at us and I am so tired of it to the point where I just want to be free. I would very much rather have my marriage but he is not trying to change. He spend countless amount of hours on the internet. He is so addicted that he has downloaded pornography on his usb drive. He lust over women even in my presence from teenage and older. I do not trust him at all to be faithful. There is no intimacy because he desires pornography more and gives himself to that and there is noting left for me.

I have tried serching the Scriptures and finding peace within to deal with this but I am really tired of being unhappy in this marriage. My husband go to work and that is all he does. ALL other responsibilities fall on me. Our children are affected by this wedge that has come between the two of us. We have tried, both, spiritual and natural counseling. This is ruining our marriage and we are struggling in almost every area of our life but I am holding on to the Lord. He is the only HELP I know.

I am having a hard time trying tounderstand how two BELIEVERS are in such a mess. I am no superficial Christian. I take my walk with the Lord very seriously and this iswhy I have stayed with him over the past 8 years. How can two walk together unless they agree? Please help me out but most of all, please pray for my guidance as I seek the Lord and the strength todo whatever it is I need to do whether it is to stay or divorce.

 

[OFM]

I believe The Lord Jesus Christ Wants you too be At Perfect Pure Spiritual Peace within all of this,i personally believe that you are free too leave and Follow your Spiritual Christian Faith In Our Lord Jesus Christ,He has choosen not too do that.I will keep you in prayerfull prayer,Be Blessed AllWaYs.AMEN....

 

[jonathanbchristian]

You can divorce him for sexual immorality, Matthew 5:31-32; 19:9. You can also remarry. You do not have to divorce but you can. It is your choice. The word fornication is porneia in Greek and covers all sexual immorality.

 

[shemaiah]

I will pray for you and your husband. I think your husband has lost his relationship with God and whether you divorce or not is up to you. But continue praying that he may find his way back to God whole-heartedly. God bless

 

[GOD_IS_LOVE]

What stuck out to me in what you wrote is that he blames you for it. However irrational and inconceivable it may seem to you, if he says that it means that deep down he feels that. Have you discussed this with him and have you tried to make things right?

 

[heatherivory]

Is he willing to repent? I would hate to think of you having to go on like this. If he's willing, he should read Created to Need a Helpmeet by Michael Pearl. I read its preceeding counter-part Created to Be His Helpmeet. It gave me such wisdom and understanding towards my Husband and men in general. Its been 8 yrs since i read it, and i still occasionally refer back to it. Pray Pray Pray (which im sure you already know). I will pray for you too. I love you, (((hugs))).

 

[SoldatChristi]

What matters here is the importance he feels in this relationship. Yes, this is bringing you down but guess what, God has probably placed you in this situation to do something about it. Do you feel at peace if you think you will divorce him? If not, then perhaps there is another way. I suggest you find someone at your church and divulge this to a male leader so that he can have accountability. Pornography usually is NOT the main issue, it's something deeper, more intricate. I know because I struggle with it at times. If need me, I can also chat up with him but whatever you feel comfortable with. And remember, if you divorce him you are not doing anything wrong.

 

[UrGrace]

I'm so sorry about the hurt and struggles you are currently experiencing. I personally believe that divorce should be the last resort for a marriage after every other avenue has been thoroughly exhausted. If you truly desire your marriage to be saved and healed, it will take you being steadfast in prayer to bridge that gap your husband's lust has created. The enemy (satan) would love nothing more than to break up a Christian home. You need to seek God for peace of mind and walk in it. You didn't say if your children are aware of their father's actions. Your husband has to realize, that as a believer, his actions are carnal and are of the flesh. From others I know, who have testified of such things, say that internet porn and the alike is an addiction just like drugs. This is a bondage that needs to be broken over him, but he has to want to be set free from its stronghold. God bless you and keep you and I'll be praying for you. Take care of yourself and trust God for what you cannot see.

 

[hug-a-bug]

dear lord please help her know which way to go in the name of jesus amen maybe u should talk to god and ask him which way to turn god bless hope it works out and that he is free and u have peace bye the way ur not alone out in the world

 

[Deadtosin]

I agree with Johnathan, his pornography addiction is adultery. I'd cut him lose and cling to Christ. God speed sister and God bless.

 

[SeatBelt]

Remember the Christian model of conflict resolution. If you have already talked to him about all this directly (sounds like you have tried), then you need to go to him with one or two of the elders from your church. Besides, they need to know that he is engulfed in this sinful life of pornography since he is being held up as a leader in your church. They deserve to be made aware before this mushrooms into a problem that comes out to the church in a big way. Some will tell you that you are justified in divorcing him, others will tell you no because it was not a physical infidelity. Whatever YOU decide, YOU need to be sure of it enough to want to stake your eternal soul on it. Divorce, especially divorce and re-marriage, is Serious spiritual business. I would recommend a temporary separation for you to Both work on your issues (no one is 100% innocent in any divorce, so even if you are only .001% at fault, be 100% responsible for your .001%). If the temporary separation doesn't work out, you might consider a legal separation before jumping to divorce. In any case,even if you don't give separation a try, I strongly recommend seeing a Christian counselor, even if it is just you going - though couples counseling would be better. I also strongly recommend finding a Christ centered program in your area that can aid you both in addressing issues from a Christian perspective, something like Celebrate Recovery or iamsecond. The other respondent is right, there may be some other problem at the root of the lust & pornography problem. A good Christ centered 12 step program will give accountability and help you both to get to the roots of your individual issues. Remember, you are less likely to get total resistance from him on this if you are willing to admit to your .001%... don't go on the attack, go to him with a church elder out of love for him. His eternal salvation may depend on how you handle this situation. Is that something you want to move too hastily on and risk messing up?

 

[Deadtosin]

I agree with Seatbelt to, He mentioned your eternal soul is serious business. I agree, but in some ways it's why I would run away. Lest you be brought down with him. I do agree with going before the elders and bringing this into the open with the brothers of the church, he shouldn't be teaching others when he is so clearly blind. But I would say this one thing. Your truest and first marriage is to Jesus Christ. If you are in a situation where someone is defiling your life, get out. I wouldn't look to marrying another, that should never be something we seek but God leads us too. But I would most definitely remove myself from the situation. God bless.

 

[realz]

You are right to be seriously concerned about your situation. I agree with Deadtosin when he says to go before your elders or whoever it is in your church who has the authority to give you counsel and also to help your husband. Sometimes we need to be compelled to do things even when it will hurt or embarrass...but justice needs to prevail with your husband. Should after all you can possibly do has been done then yes a divorce is probably the best thing because your soul and your children's souls are in serious danger. Heavenly Father loves you and never intended for you to be unhappy in a marriage and also to be with a man with so much disrespect for not only you and your family but for himself.

 

[Jullianna]

What do the elders of your church have to say about this? Have they spoken with him about it? Is he stepping down from his leadership position? Is he seeking counseling? Does he even admit that he has a problem?

I can certainly see how you would be at the end of your rope on this and how it has destroyed the intimacy in your marriage. I would not continue to enable his behavior by putting up with it and allowing him to keep this a secret, if he is. It needs to be brought to light and dealt with.

I pray that God will give you strength, comfort and wisdom. I pray protection and blessing upon your children. I pray peace and holiness upon your home. I pray that the Holy Spirit will deal with your husband and restore him.

 

[shekaniah]

Does he know the dark side of this industry? I know a few guys that once they learned the dark side,
It took away from the pleasure they had in it.

Most women are forced or trapped into doing it. And when they get older...they have a lot of regret.
Does he know the God will hold him accountable for helping keep these women in bondage by
supporting the web sites. Its not just about what he is doing to you and your family.

Men should help build up young women to value their virtue, not demoralize it.

I hope this gives you more insight and strength. So you can stand up for yourself and your family.

I have prayed for you and your family with a concerned heart. In His Love, Shekaniah

 

[Gizzmo79]

I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice on my past marriage, I divorced him due to being abused daily! I stayed with him for 6 years and I took all the put downs and everything else and married him thinking that would change it but it didnt.

 

[spirit]

I pray for both of you. I made a decision this week to temporaliy move out myself after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids . Sometimes its just something you have to do to prove to each other if you both will miss each other. Luckily where I'm moving to is just 10 mins away from my home . I pray the lord helps me with my family and turns things around in the future. But it is something I have to do , otherwise I will never know.

 

[iraasuup]

I feel for you! I can very much relate to this.. my husbands addiction to porn and lustful spirit was one of the major contributing factors to the breakdown of our marriage. I stayed, even after I found out about his behaviour. Like you, he also blamed me. It was my fault because I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough. Mind you, there were other issues, but I can completely relate.

In the end, I had a breakdown (as I stated, the were numerous issues that led to this, but in a nutshell it was his behaviour and response to said issues which affected my health), I became physically unwell, had a seisure, was diagnosed with what the doctors call 'situational depression' (meaning if I could change my situation and surroundings, things would pick up), I went home to my parents to recover as I was given 3 mths off work. In the end, he decided he wanted out..theres more to my story.. but I have to go.. will post a bit more later.. but I'll be praying for you. Trust in the Lord, seek the Holy Spirit for wisdom.

Okay back now.. (the joys of not having a 2 min time limit to edit)

So, basically I'm saying that I understand. I have had all sorts of people giving me all sorts of advice (well meaning or not, it really doesn't help).. but I wanted to encourage you to seek God. He knows your heart motive. He sees your pain. He loves you immensely. Don't let the noise of everything around you, drown out the stll, small voice of God.

Blessings,

 

[aprilandkeion]

its very hard to share my opinion in a topic like this because i can feel the pain in your hearts, all i can do is to pray for you that God will help you in your decision i know how hard what youre going through but remember this: ( Romans 8:18) "for i consider that this present sufferings is not worth compared to the glory that will be revealed in us"..i hope that you look at the positive side even if life has so many trials theres always a reason to smile...

 

[twosparrows]

If you are not worried that he would harm your person or your children, I would destroy the computer and turn off the internet. Sometimes one must take drastic action. There really is not enough focus on this issue and the damage it can do to families. Sister I hurt for you. I will be praying.