My cross is losing my best friend in the world, my wife, in divorce. The circumstances surrounding it were a surprise to me. I knew of some things I could have done better. However, many lies were told which I cannot refute. They have changed how people look at me now. My personality has changed for the worse because of the events surrounding my separation and divorce. My life is not longer useful to me. I have little hope of a decent life now. My age is a hindrance.
I bet I have aged ten or more years because of what happened to me. I look in the mirror and no longer see the man I used to be. My looks are actually different. I have difficulty sleeping and I have trouble concentrating. All because I lost what meant the most to me in life, I am nothing.
I work with the guy that took her away. I realized I am not a man, but a worthless lump of flesh with no guts. I am taken advantage of at every opportunity at work. I was put into a job that I hate. My evaluation was good, but my raise was a joke. I feel I am fighting a losing battle. A guy that just got hired, doing the same thing as me, makes more than I do and I have to show him how to do the work properly.
I face humiliation like this every day. Folks I know patronize me. They treat me like I am in denial. I was so proud of myself before the separation. Now, I don't have enough confidence to go to church. I feel as if everyone will see right through me to the weakling I am.
So many things went on behind my back for so long. I was told I knew. I did not! It hit me so hard that I ended up in the hospital. I have struggled since June 2011 just keeping myself in clean clothes and doing household chores.
I injured my ankle in a motorcycle accident. I was the only one in it.(embarassing) I had a LaFranc's fracture. Like if my foot got caught in the stirrup when I fell off a horse and the horse dragged me. This is how the doctor described it. I was told I was faking by my ex. I was on insurance for being off work after this happened. That is when my wife left me. This is not the only reason, it is just one that helped cause my current situation.
I made little money normally. Just enough to pay bills and eat. After she left, the insurance only paid 60% of a forty hour week and I had to go on government assistance till I could get back to work.
The doctor's missed a broken bone in the x-ray and sent me to rehab too soon. I had to go back in the cast and stay off of work an extra eight weeks. I lost so much weight. I went from 225 to 175 in 6 months. Good for my cholesterol and blood pressure, but I had no clothes that would fit and no money to buy any.
I was, mentally and emotionally, so out of it that I couldn't remember how to do anything. I had to relearn how to pay my bills, make food for myself and generally take care of myself. I used to make dinner and baked goods for my wife and I. I was more the cook than she.
Going to the doctor was difficult. I have a car with a clutch. No one would drive me, not even my own family. I had to borrow a car with an automatic transmission and put gas in it when I needed to go to see the doctor. This took money from bills I needed to pay. I don't know how I did it.
My mom, who turns ninety in the middle of October this year, was sent into a home for patients with dementia. I was told, by my brother who is retired, that I needed to help my mom. I could not even do that very well. I was on a crutch and in an air filled plastic boot type cast. I was a mess.
The lies told were so damaging to my reputation, I don't know if I will ever recover from them. Folks still think I was and still am, at times, faking my problems. I get anxiety so badly, I cannot even do simple arithmetic. I have an associates degree in Electrical Technology and have used trigonometry and Boolean algebra.
I am sorry for letting this out. There is so much more. I may never recover. I sometimes pray that God will have mercy and take me home. I can't concentrate on one thing for long.
I am getting better. I couldn't even remember where the keys were on my computer and I have been to community college for microcomputer concepts and got straight A's. Now, I am able to type without looking for the letters. This is how I used to do it. I just need to watch because I sometimes hit the I when I want the E. It is weird and I don't know why it happens. I find myself swapping two words in a sentence when I talk. Ex.
I ate a bowl of barley beef soup today. Instead of: I ate a bowl of beef barley soup today.) I rarely did that before. It is more common now.
All I wanted was a good marriage. An open and honest relationship. Someone I could share my life with. Someone I could trust. Someone who would not lie to me or cheat. I guess I was fooled. Maybe I should say, I was/am the fool.
I am estranged from my own family now. Luckily, I have a sister around my age who has gone through similar circumstances and she is helping me to keep moving forward. I haven't seen my son(22) or daughter(26) in a long time. My daughter has two children and I don't see them. I was seeing them, but after all of this stuff has happened, they don't want to see me. They talk to me once in a while on the phone, but I have not seen them in over a year.
My cross is heavy. My burden too much for me. I barely have the energy to keep going. My heart is broken. My will is gone. I have only Jesus and I don't know if even He is listening to me. I will not stop asking for help, mercy or both. Knock and it shall be opened. Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find. Even the dogs get the scraps from the table.
I should have made my username JOB. Although, I am not nearly as righteous as he and that is why I did not use it.
There is so much more. It's just too much right now.
Sorry for the rant. Thank you for letting me find a little bit of peace. God Bless You All.
nw2u