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troubledwife

Guest
#1
#1
My husband and I are having financial troubles we are waiting anxiously on our income taxes to come in. I found out today he is planning on purchasing his dad a vehicle. Didn't even ask me my thought on the situation. His dad has employment my husband has gone without employment for over a month now. Lots of our bills are far behind and he knows this. How do I convince him that he has to help #1 before he can commit to #2?
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#2
#2
uhhh... tell straight up he has to pay "our" bills first. If that doesn't work... Tell your father-in -law exactly what is going on. If father in law disregards in favor of himself... refuse to sign the tax-return check... make out the checks to pay your bills according to whatever tax money you have... show them to your husband or a xerox copy... mail the payments... then go to the bank with him and sign and deposit the check... if he takes the money anyway... he likely has another more insidious plan... which you will need to take an offensive action to protect yourself. You are going to make him mad... but you are being an abigail in this scenario... you can probably figure out who yuor husband is.
 
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Doc

Guest
#3
#3
It sounds like your hubby may have a different agenda, but half the money is yours use your half for sure. Debts will drive you crazy.
 
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troubledwife

Guest
#4
#4
I just don't understand how/why he can always put his mom and dad first. they are always using him they only call when they know money is coming in. Ive showed him phone records and for some strange reason when he was employed they would start calling 2 days before payday and leave him alone the rest of the time. They don't call to ask about the kids or how we are doing nor invite us for any "functions" But yet they are #1 atleast that's what I see. When he married me he promised a lot of things and said it was all ment to be. What to use me as a personal servant? Atleast that's how I feel most of the time. When I want to talk about serious stuff to him, he gets very antsy and starts talking to me like Im some little kid :( but yet im supposed to sit there and hear him out when he feels we need to talk. I feel so trapped and belittled by him. Ive asked for Jesus to bring me someone special before I met him. I thought he was it. My heart is in the trash can and he wears a smile.
 
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Jordache

Guest
#5
#5
Sounds like some scary co-dependency. I agree with most of the advice given. Biblically, you and you're household come first. Take a look at Financial Peace University. It's a great program to learn a biblically based way of handling money practically.
 
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troubledwife

Guest
#7
#7
Does anyone think im overreacting because of the financial hardship we are in right now and im just letting the small stuff get to me? I am committed to wanting this relationship to work and I know forgive is a big role in a relationship and Faith is the number one. This is the first time we have ever experienced financial issues this big. Can I get some advice from a married person on the best way they and their spouse have handled financial issues without being at each others throat? something personal not a reference
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#8
#8
troubledwife said:
Does anyone think im overreacting because of the financial hardship we are in right now and im just letting the small stuff get to me? I am committed to wanting this relationship to work and I know forgive is a big role in a relationship and Faith is the number one. This is the first time we have ever experienced financial issues this big. Can I get some advice from a married person on the best way they and their spouse have handled financial issues without being at each others throat? something personal not a reference
Click to expand...
Yes and NO. You do seem kinda emotionally charged... which is understandable and I notice your age... it's okay... you are young. I do encourage you to FOCUS on the first scenario you posted about the bills and tax money. I realize there is a whole bunch of other stuff going on assisted with how you have ended up where you are in the marriage and it is painful. Set that aside and FOCUS on this bill problem. Everyone who has responded to you has agreed on certain apects...
1)husband is wrong
2)husband may have another agenda
3)situation is bad
Devise a plan, to obtain a solution for getting these 3 matters resolved. you have been given some suggestions on how to go about it... pick one some or your own... but focus and don't allow yourself to wallow in all the emotional stuff be proactive about the current problem... God bless.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#9
Financial issues definitely put stress on a marriage. Sometimes my husband starts thinking about a big purchase that doesn't make any sense and if I say anything he will blow up about it at first....but then starts thinking about it. The hardest thing to do is to communicate without hostility and resentment. Sometimes husbands will think that they don't need to discuss big decisions with wives because they are the 'head of the family'. Yet, wives can, many times, give good solid input and they really need to be willing to at least listen to it. Especially since these decisions affect you and your children's lives too.

Wives need to be very careful when discussing their in-laws...especially if the husband is immensely 'loyal' to his parents. That can be good or bad depending on the situation. If I were you, I'd be careful about any criticism towards your in-laws. Is their situation critical? Do they really NEED a new vehicle...and is he talking about a brand new car? There are lots of dependable used cars on the market.

One thing that might help him listen to you is if you're willing to compromise ...like sitting down, going over your finances and deciding on an amount of money that you can contribute to their car purchase. He may be reacting to your hostility toward his parents instead of what you're actually saying. I know from my own marriage to NEVER criticize my mother-in-law in any way, shape, or form. I'm glad my hubby honors his parents and I want to support him in this as much as possible. At the same time, your own family has to be able to make ends meet.

Praying for you both...patience, calmness, and the leading of the Holy Spirit in your relationship. Before speaking to him, have a prayer time of confession, repentance, and seeking God's guidance.
 
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troubledwife

Guest
#10
#10
Thank you everyone all the advise sure does help. Thank you
 
davidjohn

davidjohn

Junior Member
#12
Oct 21, 2011
22
0
0
#12
Our trust worthy god will help you soon
 
davidjohn

davidjohn

Junior Member
#13
Oct 21, 2011
22
0
0
#13
​I'm from india we have been praying for you , our lord will help you soon
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#14
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#14
troubledwife said:
Does anyone think im overreacting because of the financial hardship we are in right now and im just letting the small stuff get to me? I am committed to wanting this relationship to work and I know forgive is a big role in a relationship and Faith is the number one. This is the first time we have ever experienced financial issues this big. Can I get some advice from a married person on the best way they and their spouse have handled financial issues without being at each others throat? something personal not a reference
Click to expand...
I don't think you're overreacting at all. I would be upset. My husband and I are honest with each other about finances. I used to be afraid to tell him if I bought something that I knew he wouldn't want me to buy. Now instead of being afraid I've realized what I was doing was wrong. I'm not saying if you need a new pair of jeans you shouldn't buy them unless you discuss it with your spouse first. I'm thinking big purchases.

But honesty is the key for us. I pay the bills so I tell him what amount I'm paying on what each week and we figure out what is left over for what, groceries, if we can pay off debt, etc.

I've never been in the situation that you're in with your husband. I would definitly do what Barley Girl said and not sign the check until you have a clear understanding. He should not just buy his dad a car when his dad is employed and he's not and you need the money. For him not to discuss it with you first shows that he knows what he's doing isn't right and he felt the need to hide it from you. That would bother me. His parents are harming your marriage that is not right.

I will pray for you, good luck.
 
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tjogs

Senior Member
#15
Jun 28, 2009
323
18
18
#15
I hope this would be some help for your trouble.

As I read your post I found some familiar elements between your life and my marriage. I have been little bit like your husband though there are lot of diffrences too starting from psychological instability and religious disagreements with my wife ending to 2 years long unemployment.

Anyways I would agree 100% that your husband have something he don't tell or speak openly. I was same when situation was worst. In my case I used it to vent off the steam that the stressfull family situation caused. I cannot say I was happy with her and for reasons I prefer not to say now and here she kept making me exploding and guilt me of things I didn't do. Finally in my case situation went so bad that I couldn't get off my head idea of killing myself because of what she said and done to me, which lead me to divorce to prevent the other option to happen.

Though I have lot to complain I have to admit she did some things good also. For example she took her responsibility of book keeping of our family. (Can tell you it became much harder then to use money just for myself when she audits all the income and expenses and also the purposes) That enabled for us to survive with 550€ a month budget for 2 person during that 2 years time including everything. With money we also had reasonable conversations. If I got some funny and unrealisic idea I saw it myself how impossible it was.
I may have misunderstood you wrong but it seems that your husband is placing his parents ahead of himself and you. This advice may be little rough, with me it lead to divorce but also prevented me to kill myself or totally broke my relations to my wife.
(we are still keeping contact to each other, consider each other some level of friends but I feel totally unable to live with her anymore because of what happened)

If you can lead your husband to put things and people in their proper places, God first, You and him together the second and his parents just then, it would ease your burden. Also if he haven't been blided by partial power he haves things could be easier for you to do that.
The more he respects you the better.
 
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