D
Dark_Matter
Guest
On this website I named myself, "Dark_Matter", because science and math are awesome, and these things challenge me to work harder and keep my mind in shape. I have been a Christian most of my life. I feel as though the Christian lifestyle molded me into the person I am today.
I started writing poetry in my early twenties with friends just for fun. I taught myself to write by mimicking what I saw others doing in their styles of writing. I took some English literature in College, even though it is not my favorite subject. So if you see a lot of grammar errors, I apologize in advance.
Writing poems help me to express myself, especially when I feel helpless or alone. I write things that are dark, and very painful to me. The wounds are so very fresh that strangers who try to 'help' me are basically digging their dirty nails into the bleeding scars, and I'm like "don't! that hurts!"
Plus I have major trust issues, and friend issues too. I don't know how to fix that at the moment, but I'm looking into it. I wish I could fix myself, I really want to be a good person, and trust people, and be like Jesus to love and accept people but I find that to be a struggle. It doesn't help that all the people I care about around me are the same too.
I don't know how to get to that point, it feels like a struggle for me. I haven't prayed to God in a while, or spent time with him, I've been too busy with work, sometimes I feel I have to struggle to give him time. I don't want to lose my relationship with God, it feels like that sometimes though.
Writing reveals internalized scars I couldn't see, and helps me to work on them slowly. Don't get me wrong, I want help, just not patronizing, or judgmental. I know a heart of love when I see it, and I respond to love well. I would do anything for a sincere heart.
Love like a surgeon, if you can't then don't bother.
Yes, I could write in a journal, but I have this weird thought in my head, that if I died in a freak accident later that day, someone would find my journal and read it anyway, and that feeling makes me feel afraid. So what is the point?
I feel so messed up, I push people away that love me, because there is something wrong with me, and I don't have the energy or heart to deal with their arrogance or problems, when I have my own issues.
I admit that I am a severely insecure creature about who I let or keep in my life,
and I need that part healed and fixed about myself. I think that if there is a man in my future, he would have to be very secure about himself, and make me feel safe, and help me to heal.
That's why I push people who I would love to be with away, because I don't feel secure with them, and they don't care about my feelings. They put pressure on me to doing something I'm not ready for and don't care to understand or help me.
I write to make this stuff clear with myself.
I started writing poetry in my early twenties with friends just for fun. I taught myself to write by mimicking what I saw others doing in their styles of writing. I took some English literature in College, even though it is not my favorite subject. So if you see a lot of grammar errors, I apologize in advance.
Writing poems help me to express myself, especially when I feel helpless or alone. I write things that are dark, and very painful to me. The wounds are so very fresh that strangers who try to 'help' me are basically digging their dirty nails into the bleeding scars, and I'm like "don't! that hurts!"
Plus I have major trust issues, and friend issues too. I don't know how to fix that at the moment, but I'm looking into it. I wish I could fix myself, I really want to be a good person, and trust people, and be like Jesus to love and accept people but I find that to be a struggle. It doesn't help that all the people I care about around me are the same too.
I don't know how to get to that point, it feels like a struggle for me. I haven't prayed to God in a while, or spent time with him, I've been too busy with work, sometimes I feel I have to struggle to give him time. I don't want to lose my relationship with God, it feels like that sometimes though.
Writing reveals internalized scars I couldn't see, and helps me to work on them slowly. Don't get me wrong, I want help, just not patronizing, or judgmental. I know a heart of love when I see it, and I respond to love well. I would do anything for a sincere heart.
Love like a surgeon, if you can't then don't bother.
Yes, I could write in a journal, but I have this weird thought in my head, that if I died in a freak accident later that day, someone would find my journal and read it anyway, and that feeling makes me feel afraid. So what is the point?
I feel so messed up, I push people away that love me, because there is something wrong with me, and I don't have the energy or heart to deal with their arrogance or problems, when I have my own issues.
I admit that I am a severely insecure creature about who I let or keep in my life,
and I need that part healed and fixed about myself. I think that if there is a man in my future, he would have to be very secure about himself, and make me feel safe, and help me to heal.
That's why I push people who I would love to be with away, because I don't feel secure with them, and they don't care about my feelings. They put pressure on me to doing something I'm not ready for and don't care to understand or help me.
I write to make this stuff clear with myself.