Well, I've kind of exhausted all my resources. I feel so lost and alone inside. I can't even explain it really. What I want more than anything in the world is to be picked up and taken under someone's wing but I think I'm gonna be waiting a long time. People always say well Jesus is a father to the fatherless, and you're never a lone with Jesus and God is always with you. And that all may be true in spirit. But Jesus doesn't sit next to you. He doesn't put his hand on your back or gives you a powerful hug. You can't hear his actual voice talking to you or encouraging you. You can't look into his non judgmental, loving eyes. Sure you can read about it... but all that won't happen till your united with him forever. Then you can actually see him, hear him, feel him, climb into his arms like a little boy getting picked up by his dad.
So I'm kind of lost as to what I'm doing here still. Nothing ever changes. I prayed that God would send me an angel or help but no one ever comes. I thought getting a Job would help. Nope. Something insane like skydiving... what a disappointment. Went to church hoping someone would notice. Nope... seeing a Christian psychologist... waste of money. Church was kind of what I thought would help everything if I could just get myself to go. Or a therapist to help keep goals in line but I'm not impressed and last session was a complete waste of money.
Try to change how I see myself but you can't do it by yourself. And I can read the bible all I want, but unless what it says is affirmed elsewhere, how am I supposed to understand it? Jesus cares and sees everything to the core... well if I've never had anyone care or whatever, how am I supposed to understand something reading it when I've never felt it in real life? If I've never felt love, or acceptance, or affection, how am I supposed to understand what God is talking about then in the bible? Sure it's nice to curl up under the covers in the dead of night thinking about it and how God is right there holding you in his arms and knowing everything better than you know yourself... but that is just temporary. You can't lay under the covers all day and think happy thoughts forever.
And I've thought about just accepting it for what it is and just patiently wait till Jesus calls me home but... how can you share the love of God with others if you don't know it for yourself? I can't tell of anything amazing God has done in my life. I'm still waiting for that miracle. People ask for my testimony and I don't really have one aside from "well I was 8 years old and I told my mom I wanted to accept Christ blah blah blah". Was I really saved then? Was I really saved the hundred of times I've asked since? I don't know. I mean I genuinely want to give my life up to God. And I've prayed over and over and over that he would save me, break me, rip out all the darkness, make me selfless, loving and a well of life flowing out of me and a light to others but every week is the same and weekends always end in despair. I can never appreciate myself or see myself through his eyes. Not alone anyway. If Jesus would just show up on my bed at night, put his arm around me, everything would be great. If he gave me just one helper to lead me a little, I could get over this. But I feel like someone out in the desert who's fallen in the mud and every way you crawl is just more rain and more mud. And sometimes the mud itself just feels so warm you just wanna curl up in it and fall asleep.
So... what's next? Where do I go? Right now my greatest hope is that when I die, I'll see Jesus and all tears and pain will be wiped away. But as far as the light of things hoped for in this temporary physical life, it's wearing very thin.
So I'm kind of lost as to what I'm doing here still. Nothing ever changes. I prayed that God would send me an angel or help but no one ever comes. I thought getting a Job would help. Nope. Something insane like skydiving... what a disappointment. Went to church hoping someone would notice. Nope... seeing a Christian psychologist... waste of money. Church was kind of what I thought would help everything if I could just get myself to go. Or a therapist to help keep goals in line but I'm not impressed and last session was a complete waste of money.
Try to change how I see myself but you can't do it by yourself. And I can read the bible all I want, but unless what it says is affirmed elsewhere, how am I supposed to understand it? Jesus cares and sees everything to the core... well if I've never had anyone care or whatever, how am I supposed to understand something reading it when I've never felt it in real life? If I've never felt love, or acceptance, or affection, how am I supposed to understand what God is talking about then in the bible? Sure it's nice to curl up under the covers in the dead of night thinking about it and how God is right there holding you in his arms and knowing everything better than you know yourself... but that is just temporary. You can't lay under the covers all day and think happy thoughts forever.
And I've thought about just accepting it for what it is and just patiently wait till Jesus calls me home but... how can you share the love of God with others if you don't know it for yourself? I can't tell of anything amazing God has done in my life. I'm still waiting for that miracle. People ask for my testimony and I don't really have one aside from "well I was 8 years old and I told my mom I wanted to accept Christ blah blah blah". Was I really saved then? Was I really saved the hundred of times I've asked since? I don't know. I mean I genuinely want to give my life up to God. And I've prayed over and over and over that he would save me, break me, rip out all the darkness, make me selfless, loving and a well of life flowing out of me and a light to others but every week is the same and weekends always end in despair. I can never appreciate myself or see myself through his eyes. Not alone anyway. If Jesus would just show up on my bed at night, put his arm around me, everything would be great. If he gave me just one helper to lead me a little, I could get over this. But I feel like someone out in the desert who's fallen in the mud and every way you crawl is just more rain and more mud. And sometimes the mud itself just feels so warm you just wanna curl up in it and fall asleep.
So... what's next? Where do I go? Right now my greatest hope is that when I die, I'll see Jesus and all tears and pain will be wiped away. But as far as the light of things hoped for in this temporary physical life, it's wearing very thin.
, but then I remember that this is but the flesh, and look again to seek His perfect love.
