Where is this relationship going? no idea

[Pilgrim]

i could use some advice,

ultimatley i have to make the descision but would be good to get input from people who don't know me or my boyfriend and can be presented with straight facts

we have been dating for a year...
He is extremely serious about me and is practically planning the wedding, despite me saying im unsure

He is a good guy, and has a growing relationship with God,
but there are just some things about him as a person that im not sure i could live with longterm.
Also i tried breaking up with him a few months ago, and he talked me back round saying i was foolish to throw this away when we both love each other.
There are alot of good things in the relationship, but there are also alot of things that bring me down


I do love him, and i hate that i may have to break his heart. But im not sure about this relationship anymore.
He refuses to accept this, and Im not sure what to do.

Should i just end this because at this point im unsure i can marry him? or give it more time to see if things change?

sigh... this doesnt nearly give the detail required to illustrate how complicated this situation has got, but from the general idea.... what are your thoughts?

i have prayed consistently about this, and i know that God was very involved at the commencing of the relationship. But now i dont feel much direction in regards to what i should do about where we are now....


cheers xx

 

[Kimberly24]

Hi Pilgrim,

I will tell you from experience that if you have any doubts DO NOT get married. Marriage is a covenant relationship that is not to be broken, but dating is the interview period. The doubts may be related to him not yet being where he needs to be in God (you said he had a growing relationship). The things about him that you feel you couldn't live with are not going to go away when you get married and they are actually likely to multiply. Before I married my husband there were behaviors that concerned me but I overlooked the warning voices in my head and convinced myself that as God worked on him these things would get better or go away. They haven't. Many of them have gotten worse. I have discovered these are strongholds that satan has and for whatever reason my husband refuses to give them over to God. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overwhelm you with details of my struggle, I am just hoping maybe it will give you some insight. If you believe that the behaviors that concern you are things that God can heal him of I recommend you continue dating until you see that healing before you agree to commit the rest of your life to this relationship.
I hope this helps.

Love in Christ,
Kimberly

 

[jangel]

Agree with the above statement, and just my opinion, end it. That's what I did.
It was hard for me to be with this guy, though things seemed to be okay if I'm with him but the moment I'm alone I don't have peace, like you I wasn't sure if he really is the one, though he said I'm the one for him. It's really hard to hurt someone especially if that person hadn't done anything wrong, knowing what he did after, feels like I want to run to him and take all those words back, but I made my decision and I didn't regret it.

Still it's up to you, we don't know the whole story and unlike you I couldn't say I truly love him so I chose not to be unfair. Well, you can talk to God on this matter, am sure you'll get the answer...whatever will give you peace.

 

[Seriously_Cool_Wife]

yeah, trust me, anything you feel uneasy about now, only seems worse when you've said "I DO." If you already know that some things he does doesn't line up with your comfort or beliefs, then this may not be an equally yoke relationship, and you will be even more uncomfortable if you allow it to continue.

If it turns out you guys should get married, that can come later, after you both have had some growing time. Breaking it off now doesn't mean it's a forever break off, but getting married is supposed to be forever.

 

[Pilgrim]

thanks for your replies guys.

yea, i don't want to make a massive mistake....but either way feels like it could be a mistake at this point..... In many ways he's a really good catch... but in others not.

Im not sure whats more unfair.....ending the relationship.... or staying with him when i'm not sure we have a future together.

 

[xJoe]

i could use some advice,

ultimatley i have to make the descision but would be good to get input from people who don't know me or my boyfriend and can be presented with straight facts

we have been dating for a year...
He is extremely serious about me and is practically planning the wedding, despite me saying im unsure

He is a good guy, and has a growing relationship with God,
but there are just some things about him as a person that im not sure i could live with longterm.
Also i tried breaking up with him a few months ago, and he talked me back round saying i was foolish to throw this away when we both love each other.
There are alot of good things in the relationship, but there are also alot of things that bring me down


I do love him, and i hate that i may have to break his heart. But im not sure about this relationship anymore.
He refuses to accept this, and Im not sure what to do.

Should i just end this because at this point im unsure i can marry him? or give it more time to see if things change?

sigh... this doesnt nearly give the detail required to illustrate how complicated this situation has got, but from the general idea.... what are your thoughts?

i have prayed consistently about this, and i know that God was very involved at the commencing of the relationship. But now i dont feel much direction in regards to what i should do about where we are now....


cheers xx

He is clingy. The last girl I dated was veryyy clingy, the thing is that it obviously had flaws and that it was not at that point going to work out in the long term but she ALWAYS said.
lets work through it, blah blah blah.
I knew it was not right so I MADE A STAND for what needed to be done.
BREAKING SOMEONES HEART has to happen.
If problems and issues can not be solved or worked out then it shouldn't be.
Let me ask you this. Do you want second, third, or fourth best for your life? Or do you want the best.
Every relationship has problems but if you still feel its not working out then break it off.
Problems get magnified in marriage. Do you think you handle it? Is it worth it?
OR is there something better out there for you?
There's millions of Christian men out there and if God is not giving you a ok feeling for emotions that has to be saying something.
Also you said you were dating a year? If it's not working out and you KNOW its not how much time do you plan on wasting?
Maybe you do want to work through it and if you do get counseling from a Christian counselor or pastor and see if things can be resolved.
If you believe not then I believe it should end.
There is no reason to put a risk on a marriage.
Never listen to anyone who begs for you back, I stayed with someone because I didn't want to hurt them but it ended up worse then when I could of ended it.
If you know its a no then do it asap. If not then get some outside help.
and also just because he may be good doesn't mean hes the best for YOU,
my opinion

 

[thimsrebma]

If there are things you feel you cannot live with for the rest of your life, then you probably can't. So you should really think about what it is you want, and the things that you need from a husband. If you know he cannot currently provide those things then you should not be thinking about marrying him. Also look in yourself. Are you ready to be a wife? If you are hesitant you know this isn't right for you. I will not say that he is not the one, because he may be but just not for now.

 

[dmdave17]

Dear Pilgrim (nice name incidentally; we are all pilgrims in this life),

I agree with the advice you have been given, especially that of "don't enter into marriage if you have any doubts". You say God was involved in bringing you together, but what you need to determine is whether it is He who has planted those doubts in your mind.

Two things that I have not seen in any of the previous posts are (a) have you considered that this might be your problem completely, and (b) have you actually talked to him about why you have doubts? You can see how these questions relate. If the answer to (a) is "yes", then you could not discuss (b) on an intelligent basis.

I believe that you should attempt to have a frank, open discussion with him. Tell him how you feel, especially that you do have feelings with him, and tell him of your doubts. If he truly loves you, I think, he should be able to address your concerns in a non-emotional manner and work through them with you, so that you can reach an agreement one way or the other. After all, this is what marriage is all about. Many couples tend to stumble after the passion wears off, but marriage is a relationship which requires a lot of "give and take".

I see that this post is loaded with cliches'. I just hope that you see what I'm trying to say.

God bless you.

 

[BellaFlor]

thanks for your replies guys.

yea, i don't want to make a massive mistake....but either way feels like it could be a mistake at this point..... In many ways he's a really good catch... but in others not.

Im not sure whats more unfair.....ending the relationship.... or staying with him when i'm not sure we have a future together.

I think it is very weird that God was in the start of the relationship with you both, if you now have found out that he isn't one you would marry. If God would be in it, you would have been very sure about marrying him, because of God bringing you two together.

Now, if you do have doubts, this might indicate that this isn't one that God has brought to you for marrying. More the fact of that He might have given you more knowledge about not entering in any marriage deal with him. Also since you don't think he is one you would like being with in longer terms(as in marrying sometime in the future), then I do think breaking up with him is the best for you to do. It might be very tough at first, but God will help you and him to recover more over it and move on with your lives.

Also, I'd recommend not having much more to do with him anymore. It is sure fine staying as friends, but if he keeps on trying to get you back, then it is much better to breaking off most contact with him.

 

[lucid]

HI Pilgrim: I recently broke up with a guy, that I felt uncomfortable with for 9-months. He was a super meek guy, and I felt like Althalia for having adverse feelings for him, I tried to break up with him before, but he made me feel bad, he kept calling me and I wanted to be Christ-Like and handle him in a Christian manner, but he just didn't want to see the signs - so I had to call him when he got home from work and just say it over the phone. this is is what I said " Hi Robert, I have been struggling with something for a while, and I was hoping that you could help me." and naturally he said, "what is is" and I said " I love you as a brother and thats all it will every be" of course we were on the phone for 3 - hours talking about it - but when we hung up - I felt as though a 20-pound weight was lifted off of me. He was a real nice guy, but the fact is I loved him as a brother and thats all it is ever going to be. Pilgrim, you love him as a brother and don't feel guilty about it. Hold you head high, and Thank God that he is giving you major insight. I will pray for you this eveining.

 

[DABEARS85]

Should i just end this because at this point im unsure i can marry him? or give it more time to see if things change?

The problem is, you are so young, that you have no idea what you want. This is natural.

I think you shouldn't end it immediately, unless you are positive that is what you want.

The real question you should ask is this: Would you be happier being without him? If you end it, and you knew you would lose him forever because of that, would you truly be happier? This is the biggest thing you need to understand, BEFORE you make a decision.

Being so young, what you think today might be completely different in a couple years. You could lose someone who "possibly" could have been your future spouse, all because you are too unsure and afraid to commit to a lasting relationship. This is clearly what your issue is here, although it is completely understandable.

Being afraid to commit is not wrong, but it is a big step to end it over that as well. Before you act, you should look deep down and see if you truly love him, why you love him, and if you love him enough where if you lose him, you will NOT be happier.

If you had met someone else after you broke up, and they had the same ideas about committing to a long-term relationship (of which almost all older men who are Christian will eventually want), would you be happier with that man over the one you are with now?

Simply put, what is it that you want? If you don't want the guy you are with, would you want another man? Would you be happier being single? What do you want? If you do choose to end it, what man would you be looking for?

Do you want a long-term relationship, one that would end in marriage, of which the Lord would approve of, or would you want a short-term fling relationship, of which you will be left unfulfilled, unhappy, heartbroken, and generally feel guilty about the probable sexual sin you will encounter with a man who does not want to be with you long term?

Think about it before you choose to do anything. Committing is a huge step, but so is choosing to lose someone that you may love, and who loves you in turn. Love is never easy to find, so remember that as well. You will not find that everyone you date will truly love you, know what love is, want to commit to you at all, or even want to give you the choice of committing. You may have a better thing on your hands than you realize, so just think of that before you make a choice.

God Bless, and I hope you find your answer, whatever it may be.

 

[DABEARS85]

yeah, trust me, anything you feel uneasy about now, only seems worse when you've said "I DO." If you already know that some things he does doesn't line up with your comfort or beliefs, then this may not be an equally yoke relationship, and you will be even more uncomfortable if you allow it to continue.

If it turns out you guys should get married, that can come later, after you both have had some growing time. Breaking it off now doesn't mean it's a forever break off, but getting married is supposed to be forever.

I see a lot of you are responding by telling her to end it, and yet most of you are all professing that you have been in hurtful, unhappy relationships yourselves, and you are trying to help her avoid that situation.

The problem is, you are also all much older, and I highly doubt any of you would be in her mindset of being 21, having her whole SCARY life in front of her eyes, and being afraid to commit to anyone, let alone the man she is with at the moment.

I'm not saying that any of you are wrong, because you all talk with great experience that perhaps I don't have, despite how many relationships I've unfortunately been in, but I do understand how HARD it is to find real love, in which both partners love each other in such a way. Many men in the world will want to use her for sex, or will be afraid to commit whatsoever to her. This is the natural way men are, unless they are Christian anyway. She may well find that every guy she meets falls in love and wants to marry her (I've had multiple girls try to pull me to vegas and do it on a whim, unfortunately ) but... true love is a blessing that is not an easy thing to find. Sometimes, kids my age are simply afraid of commitment, rather than being uneasy about their significant other's "problems," whatever they may be.

I've been in multiple relationships where I thought it may end in marriage, and one of them I even lived with her, which was obviously not what a Christian should do. Many girls I've met professed to be true Christians, but it was easy to find that later on, they really were not, as they understood little of how a Christian lifestyle should be about. Many of them perverted and seduced my own beliefs, and they pulled me back into being worldly, rather than following what the Lord told me to do.

Anyway, long story short, my innocence and thoughts about love have been gone and changed long, long ago, but I also understand what real love truly is now. I understand how HARD it is to find, so letting someone go based on being afraid of commitment is not always the right answer.

None of us know her relationship, as she has not fully explained it whatsoever, so I don't even think many of us can judge or even give a proper answer to her situation without knowing the full truth. She may either be afraid of commitment due to her age, her boyfriend may truly be a guy that she should not marry, or perhaps he is a guy that IS the one she should be with, and outside influences not of the Lord are giving her doubts. I think we would all do well to understand what these are BEFORE we give her a defining answer. We can give advice on ways she can look and try to understand what they are, rather than tell her "leave him" so simply.

Also, I think we are forgetting, there is another person and another person's feelings involved in all of this. Are we able to forget who he is, and perhaps how he feels in his heart, simply because he is not on these forums asking for the relationship advice?

To the girl who originally asked the question: Please look in your own heart, and decide after a careful understanding of what it is you are so nervous and afraid of. If you truly decide you should be with him, you need to let him know, and perhaps he would do better without you as well. To continue to hurt him is wrong of you in the same manner, and to simply say it was his fault to convince you to stay with him is also a scapegoat answer. You CHOSE to stay with him, and so you have that full responsibility on your hands for hurting him, if you choose to do that.

Knowing all of that, if you do hurt a man that truly does love you and wants to give his life up for you, perhaps he would be better off finding someone that loved him in the same way as well? None of us should forget who this man is as well, even if many of you men and women have been hurt by others in the past. Clearly, this man must love her if he wants to marry her, as a man does NOT choose to do so on a whim. We are just as nervous and afraid of committing our life to a female as females are to committing their lives to us. Don't forget that, and don't base someone we don't know anything about on your own past failed relationships, of which every one of us have experienced heartbreak in.

Thanks, and God Bless,

Chris

 

[DABEARS85]

Breaking it off now doesn't mean it's a forever break off, but getting married is supposed to be forever.

Sometimes, this does mean forever, as the boy in this whole thing is bound to be completely heartbroken by her unwillingness to grow up WITH him, rather than without. If she left him, dated another, and then wanted him back, by what right did she have to do that? In a sense, it is hurting him more, as he has to once again choose, pray, and generally hope that she would be faithful and courageous enough to stand by his side the second time, after she already left him in pieces the first.

I see many women who have done this, and I fully view it as selfishness in all aspects. Almost every single ex girlfriend of mine has tried to get me back, no matter how the breakup went, because in the end, they realized I was far better than they originally took for granted the first time. After leaving ME a mess, of which they so easily walked into other relationships, should I have allowed that to happen again? I have before, and in the end, I realized soon enough that once a girl breaks your heart, she will be bound to do it again. Selfishness is not something to be taken lightly, and I truly hope that the boy in this whole affair doesn't become too emotionally scared by the decision of another female who cannot decide what she wants.


Also, marriage doesn't have to be an option for quite a while. Getting married is a far larger step, but one that you can postpone for as long as you'd like. To simply end things because you have a man that would want to commit his life to you, is not something women should practice. Every woman I've met seems to think this is okay, but it isn't. If you truly love him, and you think that you COULD have a chance to be married, yet you do not want to be married NOW, simply tell him to wait. If he loves you, he will understand, but if you end things with him and then try to come back, don't expect him to ever be there again. Once you break his heart, he is by no means obligated to ever wait for you, or even take you back after you hurting him, despite if he loves you with all his heart or not.

Simply put, if you give your heart over to someone completely, and that person does not take care of it and abuses it, they have no right to that heart once again. This is how I view things.

 

[DABEARS85]

I think it is very weird that God was in the start of the relationship with you both, if you now have found out that he isn't one you would marry. If God would be in it, you would have been very sure about marrying him, because of God bringing you two together.

Not true, simply because Satan is loves placing doubt in our hearts about everything that is of the Lord. To say that everything will be perfect, simply because God led us there, is a fallacy. Satan will do everything in his power to destroy a good thing, so we should not forget that. I'm not saying that her relationship is in fact from God, and I'm not saying the Lord is not the one telling her to not marry this boy, but we cannot forget there are other powers in the world that are not looking out for our benefit, but are there to destroy the good things we have in the Lord.

 

[thimsrebma]

Sometimes, this does mean forever, as the boy in this whole thing is bound to be completely heartbroken by her unwillingness to grow up WITH him, rather than without. If she left him, dated another, and then wanted him back, by what right did she have to do that? In a sense, it is hurting him more, as he has to once again choose, pray, and generally hope that she would be faithful and courageous enough to stand by his side the second time, after she already left him in pieces the first.

I see many women who have done this, and I fully view it as selfishness in all aspects. Almost every single ex girlfriend of mine has tried to get me back, no matter how the breakup went, because in the end, they realized I was far better than they originally took for granted the first time. After leaving ME a mess, of which they so easily walked into other relationships, should I have allowed that to happen again? I have before, and in the end, I realized soon enough that once a girl breaks your heart, she will be bound to do it again. Selfishness is not something to be taken lightly, and I truly hope that the boy in this whole affair doesn't become too emotionally scared by the decision of another female who cannot decide what she wants.


Also, marriage doesn't have to be an option for quite a while. Getting married is a far larger step, but one that you can postpone for as long as you'd like. To simply end things because you have a man that would want to commit his life to you, is not something women should practice. Every woman I've met seems to think this is okay, but it isn't. If you truly love him, and you think that you COULD have a chance to be married, yet you do not want to be married NOW, simply tell him to wait. If he loves you, he will understand, but if you end things with him and then try to come back, don't expect him to ever be there again. Once you break his heart, he is by no means obligated to ever wait for you, or even take you back after you hurting him, despite if he loves you with all his heart or not.

Simply put, if you give your heart over to someone completely, and that person does not take care of it and abuses it, they have no right to that heart once again. This is how I view things.

If you have that much growing up to do you shouldn't be getting into a serious relationship with anyone period. Before you get in a relationship you need to know what you want and what you are looking for. If you do not know then how are you going to find it.

With that being said, if anyone realizes they do not know what they want, they need to communicate that with the person they are with and break up. There is no need to stay with someone if you do not know if they are what you want, just for the sake of being together. Yes breakups hurt but its better to do it now than to do it later down the line when you have invested more time into someone who is not right for you.

If later on down the line you all have both grown up and decided your grown selves are what each other needs then maybe you can get back together.

Dabears, I think you are speaking from a place because you have been hurt by multiple girls. Now you say they try to come back, but in that time did they do any maturing? Did you? I am sure they did not intend to hurt you. Maybe they were not mature enuf at that time to handle that relationship and now they are more mature and more ready.

 

[DABEARS85]

I'm sorry for the multiple posts, and I'm going to stop after this, but I have one more thing that concerns me here.

Many of you women, devoid of knowing ANYTHING about her relationship, aside from one young girl's feelings on the issue, of which we don't know the cause, are telling this girl to end it, and to simply never talk to this guy again.

What gives any of you the right to not only potentially end her relationship with little to no reasoning behind it, since she is asking for SOUND advice from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, but also to tell her that never talking to the boy again would be a good idea? How are any of us to know? What kind of advice are you spreading on these forums? Do you think about your actions and the consequences you create when you give this advice?

Have any of you thought about the other person in her relationship, how he may feel, how it may affect him, and how he may react to all of this? Perhaps, if you were that boy and you saw what you all wrote about him and his relationship with her, would you be angry or accepting of what you've written? Would you like to see all these fellow sisters and brothers in Christ basically say that he is not a good person, perhaps a bad Christian or potential boyfriend/husband, or even that he is not good enough to be a friend?

How would any of you know? You can use your own past failed relationships as examples all you want, but do any of you know this poor boy, of who we are telling this girl to break his heart so easily, without consequence to ourselves? Who are we to do that?

I would like everyone here who has told her to simply end it, without discussing it, thinking about it, or caring about her, her boyfriend, or anyone else it may affect's feelings, and to remember who we may be hurting here. None of you should give advice like this so readily, unless you are POSITIVE about what advice you are giving, and why you are giving it.

My advice would be more like dmdave17 has given, which is for her to look inside herself, and to judge herself based on her own heart. She should also DISCUSS this with HIM, not to simply end it without knowing fully what it is she is doing. She clearly DOESN'T KNOW, or she would not come on here asking for advice. You have all potentially told her to destroy a relationship that we know nothing about, and you forget there are always two sides of the story. She possibly could just be afraid of commitment, instead of just not loving him, or him having some type of problems that will lead to a potential marriage problem in the future, assuming they ever did get married and committed in the first place.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is this: Don't give advice based on direct decisions which have profound consequences to multiple people, unless you've prayed about it, fully know the situation, and can give it in an unbiased manner, devoid of previous failed relationships and previous hurtful feelings toward the boy/girl in that failed relationship. I see many of you bringing your own hurtful accounts into the fray, which I am sorry that happened to you, but we cannot judge others based on our own situations, knowing that those situations could be different entirely.

Thanks and God Bless

 

[DABEARS85]

Dabears, I think you are speaking from a place because you have been hurt by multiple girls. Now you say they try to come back, but in that time did they do any maturing? Did you? I am sure they did not intend to hurt you. Maybe they were not mature enuf at that time to handle that relationship and now they are more mature and more ready.

You may be right here, but I also am speaking as a person that is in a loving and committed relationship NOW as well. I simply know all the aspects of every way you can put it, as I've experienced it all. I know how it will affect the boy, and I know how it may affect her, and I realize that while one partner may be ready to commit and another not, for us to judge without knowing the full story is wrong in many ways.

I only want her to fully look inside herself, judge for herself, and to discuss it with the boy, rather than making rash decisions of which she may not know the consequences of. She also may find, at a later point (after growing more experienced and mature a bit), that she lost a good thing. This happens quite a bit to many people, and I only want her to avoid going through that if she doesn't have to. I want her to think about it before she listens to any of us who may tell her to end it, when we do not know the story.

I'm sorry if I sound like a guy that has been hurt before, but in my eyes, I see this in many of you as well. I believe everyone has been hurt before, so I don't view that as being much different. I'm simply agreeing with what dmdave17 has said, rather than some of you giving rash decisions for her.

I believe she needs to make the choice herself, based on long soul searching and discussions with this boy, rather than listening to any of us who do not know the full situation.

I say this all out of love, not out of hurt or hate. Thanks