Why is she hesitant about dating...some insight please?

[AAAPlus]

So I met this girl at church, and immediately we hit it off. After a few weeks of seeing each other at church, we started hanging out together. We'd cuddle with each other and kiss whenever we were alone, and we talk about everything. After about 10 days of that, she tells me she likes me, but isn't sure if she wants to date me. But the day after that we went to the lake together, and it was more intense cuddling and really couple-y stuff. (btw, we've never gone beyond just kissing and don't plan to)

A few days later she tells me that she considered all that previous stuff as dates, and now she really just wants to be friends. And a week after that, we hang out again and it's back to just us cuddling and going on cute dates and being just like before.

As far as I've seen (we're part of the same circle of friends), she only does this stuff with me, and doesn't even hang out with any other guys one-on-one.

So I know she just doesn't know what she wants, and she's never dated before. Also we're both adults; she is just starting college and I graduated from college last year. We're both serious Christians. I think if I just keep on what we've been doing, she'll eventually figure out what she wants. I definitely would like to date this girl...like "officially". I could use some insight.

 

[Jullianna]

If you enjoy spending time with her and she with you, does it really matter what the official title of the relationship is? You may call it one thing, she might call it something else. What you describe sounds beyond the friends stage to me though. If you want to be with her, why not just be with her on whatever terms and see what happens?

The flipflopping may have something to do with her beginning college soon. Perhaps she doesn't want to be tied down to one person and possibly miss out on something there.

 

[Brandon777]

The people where I come from wouldn't even consider cuddling or kissing anyone unless they were in a committed relationship and even then it was taboo. Here's the thing. Your the man right? It's clear that she's the one directing the relationship. Stand up and take charge. That's what conservative, modest women want. And if you're both serious Christians then you know that women are meant to be modest. 1 Corinthians teaches that men should be the leaders of the family. So it's gotta start out that way. She's pulling you everywhere. Put your foot down and say what you need to say man. Stick up for the role you were meant to play as the authority over your wife. 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." Whether she acts that way with her mouth or not, she is the weaker vessel according to how we as Christians stand under the Word of Truth. Read 1 Corinthians the first part of Chapter 11 to see the whole picture of 11:3.

 

[Jullianna]

I agree with the male leadership thing within a relationship and women do want a man they can look up to. However, ultimatums are not a great way to begin a relationship.

If we're going to throw scripture around in here, let's not forget that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, ..."

If someone is feeling smothered, back off and give them some room. You could chase them away otherwise. It might work out, it might not. Love can't be forced. If it could be, it wouldn't be worth having. That's why God gave US free will, isn't it? Do you really want a woman/man you have to drag down the aisle? What a lifetime of joy THAT would be.

 

[AAAPlus]

I agree with you Jullianna. I'm just seeing where it goes for now, and I'm certainly not going to force her to be with me. I understand that she just doesn't know what she wants right now, and I'm being patient with her.

 

[Ugly]

I don't know, personally i think it sounds odd. Its like shes getting all the perks of a boyfriend, but without the commitment. i had a similar experience with a girl once. we didn't do a lot of the physical stuff, holding hands, etc, but pretty much in every other way it was like we were dating. we always were talking, spending time together, if we were in a group we were together, i paid for meals, drove her everywhere we went, movies, romantic picnics in the park, etc.. Everyone assumed we were dating already. I eventually asked her to 'officially' start dating. She 'wasn't ready'. Long story short, she never got ready. Eventually things ended.
i've also been in the experience of waiting for women for things to 'be right'.. i suggest if you are going to wait, you have some time frame in mind. you don't have to make it an ultimatum to her. i suggest not even telling her. but you should think, whats reasonable.. whats a good time frame to wait? You really need to decide it ahead of time and stick to it, otherwise you can end up waiting way longer than you planned. One day you wake up, see how long its been and kick yourself. trust me on this.
i don't mean to be the nay-sayer here. but people are people, people are weird, imperfect and not always predictable, so you should just have a game plan in the even things don't go the way you hope.

 

[Brandon777]

Gotta hand it to ya Jullianna, when you're right your right. I see where I need to work on those two things you underlined. And I respect a woman that uses the Bible rather than just her lone opinion. I would like it if you Jullianna would explain something to me. What is your line of reasoning when you say "if we're going to throw Scripture around" as if it's a bad thing. I use Scripture as much as I possibly can and I think that's a good thing for developing any solid Christian world-view. I recognize there are places where improvement is needed in my world-view. The Scriptures you underlined are the perfect example, and I am open and willing to accept those changes to my world-view whenever Scripture or, less often, logical arguments are presented in contention to my current beliefs.

Just by the way, I did chase someone away just like you said and she was beautiful. I have since realized my love wasn't healthy. I pray my character changes so that I understand that more fully and may live in a more loving way towards those I have affection for. I want to understand what's wrong with me at a fundamental level. I want to understand it with my heart and not my head so I can be a better person.

Ugly is right too.

 

[kayem77]

She kind of reminds me of myself...I was like that before and iwas mere insecurity and confusion of mine.
Maybe that's the case here...maybe she needs some time. You should talk to her , have a serious conversation, not an ultimatum, but put things straight. Theen she will really start thinking. Have patience and see what she says after that.

 

[Snackersmom]

I suspect that the poor girl is just trying to guard her heart, and you need to respect that. Call me uptight if you want, but it sounds like you've only been together for a month or so, and all the kissing and cuddling may be a bit much. Keep in mind that females tend to respond to physical affection by forming emotional bonds, and she is probably not yet sure if you are 'The One'. My advice: First, have a little talk with Jesus, and commit your relationship to Him. He may or may not want you to keep dating, but I would definitely ask Him. If you do, and feel you've got the 'Holy Thumbs-Up', then have a serious conversation with your Lady-Friend. Tell her what you did, and encourage her to do the same, because a relationship that is blessed and orchestrated by The Lord is a truly beautiful thing to experience. And, in my humble opinion, cool it with the kissing and cuddling, at least for a while. Maybe just hold hands for a bit? A sweet, meaningful hand-hold can actually be more romantic than a multitude of kisses (or perhaps I'm just weird). Keep us posted!

 

[Mediate]

shes hesitant because you are so full on, think about her too much and want it too bad, in a nutshelll . . Enjoy yourself man! If it happens it happens, don't think, and if one day a serious issue comes up, THEN think. Until then, don't go searching for problems where there are none! Just relax dude.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

So I met this girl at church, and immediately we hit it off. After a few weeks of seeing each other at church, we started hanging out together. We'd cuddle with each other and kiss whenever we were alone, and we talk about everything. After about 10 days of that, she tells me she likes me, but isn't sure if she wants to date me. But the day after that we went to the lake together, and it was more intense cuddling and really couple-y stuff. (btw, we've never gone beyond just kissing and don't plan to)

A few days later she tells me that she considered all that previous stuff as dates, and now she really just wants to be friends. And a week after that, we hang out again and it's back to just us cuddling and going on cute dates and being just like before.

As far as I've seen (we're part of the same circle of friends), she only does this stuff with me, and doesn't even hang out with any other guys one-on-one.

So I know she just doesn't know what she wants, and she's never dated before. Also we're both adults; she is just starting college and I graduated from college last year. We're both serious Christians. I think if I just keep on what we've been doing, she'll eventually figure out what she wants. I definitely would like to date this girl...like "officially". I could use some insight.

Sounds like she's messin with you... She wants to do the whole kissy face crap, but not the whole boyfriend girlfriend mess.

If i was you i'd knock it off with her....

You wanna keep on doing what with her exactly?? Cause it doesnt sound like your doing anything, it sounds like she's just playin you.

 

[Jullianna]

Gotta hand it to ya Jullianna, when you're right your right. I see where I need to work on those two things you underlined. And I respect a woman that uses the Bible rather than just her lone opinion. I would like it if you Jullianna would explain something to me. What is your line of reasoning when you say "if we're going to throw Scripture around" as if it's a bad thing. I use Scripture as much as I possibly can and I think that's a good thing for developing any solid Christian world-view. I recognize there are places where improvement is needed in my world-view. The Scriptures you underlined are the perfect example, and I am open and willing to accept those changes to my world-view whenever Scripture or, less often, logical arguments are presented in contention to my current beliefs.

Just by the way, I did chase someone away just like you said and she was beautiful. I have since realized my love wasn't healthy. I pray my character changes so that I understand that more fully and may live in a more loving way towards those I have affection for. I want to understand what's wrong with me at a fundamental level. I want to understand it with my heart and not my head so I can be a better person.

Ugly is right too.

Scripture is NOT a bad thing. But using it in a way that has little regard for the topic at hand is merely throwing it around hoping it sticks to something. Does that make sense? It's holier than that and should be treated accordingly.

 

[AAAPlus]

So the general consensus here seems to be just to go with the flow and see what happens.

 

[Jullianna]

If you are looking for something serious right now and at some point you really think she's playing you, let it go. Otherwise, just enjoy yourself.