S
songslove29
Guest
In my life, there were quite a few times when I turned away from God, with varying degrees of extreme. In the past I have called myself an atheist, tried to fit into a wiccan coven, and other times just thought that I was one that Grace forgot. I've had a history of depression and self-harm issues, most of it culminating around last year. I've gone from church to church, either having issues with the pastor (as in the case of the first church), or suddenly feeling like going to a youth group felt like a prison closing in on me (as in the case of the second church). I've been baptized twice---once, under duress, but the second time by will to make up for the first---, but still I tripped through life and my faith many times.
In August 2010, I thought that I had it all, and that things were going to be really awesome. I had graduated from high school with an honor cord for maintaining a high GPA, I had gotten accepted into a really cool private university, and was accepted into that university's music program as a vocal performance major. I knew there would probably be challenges, but knew that I would take them in stride as they came along. My first semester at the university was so much fun---I got to go symphony performances for the first time, had a voice teacher for the first time, was in the a cappella and chorale groups there, was doing well in my general education classes, and had made some awesome friends. When classes let out for the long winter break, I was quite happy with how my life was turning out.
When I returned to the school after break was over, I stepped onto campus once again, unaware of what events would turn the year on its head. I met this upperclassman that I knew from a mutual friend in the music department, and she seemed really nice. We were alike---both shy, ambitious young women who, aside from the usual college student issues, were trekking on through academic life as well as we could. I introduced her to one of my close friends, and the three of us became friends. The three of us could relate to each other quite well, and trusted each other with things we felt could only be exchanged with one another, and no one else. Unfortunately, the upperclassman girl had a problem with self-harm and depression, which played into the terrible evening of March 17th, 2011.
To make a long story short, a chain of events led to me holding apart her hands---one of them holding a safety pin that had already been used to slice the skin by her shoulder---, and begging her to want to live, to forget about the people who didn't love her and only care about those that loved and respected her for who she was. Some time later, she would lie to me about wanting to hurt herself, going back and forth from, "I wasn't going to cut myself in front of you," to, "Okay, I admit that I wanted to hurt myself," and back and forth again, never really settling on truth. She told the close friend of mine that I mentioned that she was going to tell everyone where she worked that she cut herself, so that my friend wouldn't be able to work at that certain place anymore, which sent my friend into hysterics that were hard to calm. The upperclassman denied that she had said such things, but I know that the way my friend reacted to the situation that she couldn't have acted like that unprovoked. Two other mutual friends of ours had problems with this upperclassman, too, and I decided to remove her from my life, but not before I had experienced severe depression and self-harmed by burning my hand under scalding water, and tried to cut myself with bent-out staples. Enough was enough.
I ended up withdrawing from the university about one month or so from when I left the school for summer break, and it upset me and my parents greatly. Until all that drama had occurred, I had been loving going to that school, enjoying my time there, but no more. The months afterward were filled with dreading the arrival of the first tuition loan bills and trying to find a job in a city that now has a 20% unemployment rate. I had gone from being a thriving student to a drop-out who couldn't find a job, and I didn't feel much hope.
December 2011 was when things started turning around. I made the decision to begin attending the local community college here, in my home town, as a music major, but wanted to concentrate on getting my general education requirements out of the way so as to make more room for music classes later on when I will transfer to a 4 year of some sort to earn my Bachelor's Degree. I got in on time, but had only procured one lecture and one lab class, and was waitlisted on three others. In no time at all, I had been able to get signed into the roll sheets for two of the three waitlisted classes, although I ended up dropping out of the waitlist on the third class. I found out that there was a chorale program at the community college, which was so similar yet so different from the chorale I had sung with at the other school, and I joined that. My tuition fees were waived, which was such a blessing seeing as my parents and I didn't have much money for much else than textbooks. Right now, I'm passing my algebra class with an A, which is still a shock to me because I've never been totally good with math. All my professors are really cool, and while there are still ups and downs, I see God in every challenge and every reward, alike.
One day, I felt really self-conscious about wearing the jacket that sports my old school's logo, walking around the community college campus. So, I had been intending on purchasing a sweater with the community college's logo on it to feel like I blended in better. However, as my mom was taking me to school that afternoon, I got the sudden urge to ask her if we could check out this new Christian goods store that was nearby, and she said yes. After school, we went, and about an hour or two later, I had purchased my first devotional and a St. Michael the Archangel pendant (the reason behind that second purchase is something else entirely, so I'll leave it out of this post). It was the first time to the best of my memory that I had done something that I felt, in my heart, that God wanted me to do.
However, things really got set into motion this month. On March 11, it was nearing the anniversary of what had happened at the other school, and I wasn't quite sure how strong I was going to be that day. My neighbor invited me to this worship concert for that night, and it was such a blessed evening! God touched my heart that night, and He impressed upon my that my purpose in life was to lead people to Him in song as a worship singer, and I began making changes in my life that would do good by the path which He set me on. Recently, I happened upon a poster on a notification pillar at the community college campus that was asking for singers, songwriters, dancers, etc., to contact a certain email address for information on putting together a music event. I got in touch with the advertisers, and it turned out to be a new church about to be planted in my hometown. An audition was arranged, and last Monday, I made the decision to sing for this new church; it's paid, so it's also my first job. Now I see why I never got any of the other jobs that I had applied for---because God had another plan for me. He wanted me to go to that college so that I could start over on my education plans, so I could see that poster, so I could get this paid singing position and find a church community that I feel at home with. I'm so very thankful that God has had His hand in my life, and I'm going to do everything I can to become better for Him.
Oh, and a brief note on that sweater-to-devotional part: I started reading the New Testament the other day with more enthusiasm that I have dedicated to the cause in times before. I thought about when I wanted that college sweater, in order to fit in at my new college campus and marveled in amazement when I read Matthew 6:19-21: "Do not put away riches for yourselves on earth. Moths and rust can destroy them. Thieves can break in and steal them. Instead, put away riches for yourselves in heaven. There, moths and rust do not destroy them. There, thieves do not break in and steal them. Your heart will be where your riches are.
Praise be to God!
In August 2010, I thought that I had it all, and that things were going to be really awesome. I had graduated from high school with an honor cord for maintaining a high GPA, I had gotten accepted into a really cool private university, and was accepted into that university's music program as a vocal performance major. I knew there would probably be challenges, but knew that I would take them in stride as they came along. My first semester at the university was so much fun---I got to go symphony performances for the first time, had a voice teacher for the first time, was in the a cappella and chorale groups there, was doing well in my general education classes, and had made some awesome friends. When classes let out for the long winter break, I was quite happy with how my life was turning out.
When I returned to the school after break was over, I stepped onto campus once again, unaware of what events would turn the year on its head. I met this upperclassman that I knew from a mutual friend in the music department, and she seemed really nice. We were alike---both shy, ambitious young women who, aside from the usual college student issues, were trekking on through academic life as well as we could. I introduced her to one of my close friends, and the three of us became friends. The three of us could relate to each other quite well, and trusted each other with things we felt could only be exchanged with one another, and no one else. Unfortunately, the upperclassman girl had a problem with self-harm and depression, which played into the terrible evening of March 17th, 2011.
To make a long story short, a chain of events led to me holding apart her hands---one of them holding a safety pin that had already been used to slice the skin by her shoulder---, and begging her to want to live, to forget about the people who didn't love her and only care about those that loved and respected her for who she was. Some time later, she would lie to me about wanting to hurt herself, going back and forth from, "I wasn't going to cut myself in front of you," to, "Okay, I admit that I wanted to hurt myself," and back and forth again, never really settling on truth. She told the close friend of mine that I mentioned that she was going to tell everyone where she worked that she cut herself, so that my friend wouldn't be able to work at that certain place anymore, which sent my friend into hysterics that were hard to calm. The upperclassman denied that she had said such things, but I know that the way my friend reacted to the situation that she couldn't have acted like that unprovoked. Two other mutual friends of ours had problems with this upperclassman, too, and I decided to remove her from my life, but not before I had experienced severe depression and self-harmed by burning my hand under scalding water, and tried to cut myself with bent-out staples. Enough was enough.
I ended up withdrawing from the university about one month or so from when I left the school for summer break, and it upset me and my parents greatly. Until all that drama had occurred, I had been loving going to that school, enjoying my time there, but no more. The months afterward were filled with dreading the arrival of the first tuition loan bills and trying to find a job in a city that now has a 20% unemployment rate. I had gone from being a thriving student to a drop-out who couldn't find a job, and I didn't feel much hope.
December 2011 was when things started turning around. I made the decision to begin attending the local community college here, in my home town, as a music major, but wanted to concentrate on getting my general education requirements out of the way so as to make more room for music classes later on when I will transfer to a 4 year of some sort to earn my Bachelor's Degree. I got in on time, but had only procured one lecture and one lab class, and was waitlisted on three others. In no time at all, I had been able to get signed into the roll sheets for two of the three waitlisted classes, although I ended up dropping out of the waitlist on the third class. I found out that there was a chorale program at the community college, which was so similar yet so different from the chorale I had sung with at the other school, and I joined that. My tuition fees were waived, which was such a blessing seeing as my parents and I didn't have much money for much else than textbooks. Right now, I'm passing my algebra class with an A, which is still a shock to me because I've never been totally good with math. All my professors are really cool, and while there are still ups and downs, I see God in every challenge and every reward, alike.
One day, I felt really self-conscious about wearing the jacket that sports my old school's logo, walking around the community college campus. So, I had been intending on purchasing a sweater with the community college's logo on it to feel like I blended in better. However, as my mom was taking me to school that afternoon, I got the sudden urge to ask her if we could check out this new Christian goods store that was nearby, and she said yes. After school, we went, and about an hour or two later, I had purchased my first devotional and a St. Michael the Archangel pendant (the reason behind that second purchase is something else entirely, so I'll leave it out of this post). It was the first time to the best of my memory that I had done something that I felt, in my heart, that God wanted me to do.
However, things really got set into motion this month. On March 11, it was nearing the anniversary of what had happened at the other school, and I wasn't quite sure how strong I was going to be that day. My neighbor invited me to this worship concert for that night, and it was such a blessed evening! God touched my heart that night, and He impressed upon my that my purpose in life was to lead people to Him in song as a worship singer, and I began making changes in my life that would do good by the path which He set me on. Recently, I happened upon a poster on a notification pillar at the community college campus that was asking for singers, songwriters, dancers, etc., to contact a certain email address for information on putting together a music event. I got in touch with the advertisers, and it turned out to be a new church about to be planted in my hometown. An audition was arranged, and last Monday, I made the decision to sing for this new church; it's paid, so it's also my first job. Now I see why I never got any of the other jobs that I had applied for---because God had another plan for me. He wanted me to go to that college so that I could start over on my education plans, so I could see that poster, so I could get this paid singing position and find a church community that I feel at home with. I'm so very thankful that God has had His hand in my life, and I'm going to do everything I can to become better for Him.
Oh, and a brief note on that sweater-to-devotional part: I started reading the New Testament the other day with more enthusiasm that I have dedicated to the cause in times before. I thought about when I wanted that college sweater, in order to fit in at my new college campus and marveled in amazement when I read Matthew 6:19-21: "Do not put away riches for yourselves on earth. Moths and rust can destroy them. Thieves can break in and steal them. Instead, put away riches for yourselves in heaven. There, moths and rust do not destroy them. There, thieves do not break in and steal them. Your heart will be where your riches are.
Praise be to God!
