Let's Lighten Up

[CDavid]

Being raised a Baptist, y'all gotta know we gotta have a sense of humor. So I'll get the ball rolling. Hope to get lots of witty replies.

As I said, I was raised a Baptist but I got a touch of Pentecostal too. I guess I'm Bapticostal. Like a Baptist, I agree there should be no dancing. Cause, well it's stupid! But like a Pentecostal, I don't agree with that "Once saved always saved" stuff. That there's why half the the Baptist Church don't show up on Sunday morning. I totally agree with Baptist on speaking in unknown tongues. We got enough problems with English. Baptist don't wave their hands in the air like Pentecostals do, and I see nothing wrong with that. I'd like to start a wave in church like we do at the football games. I think if anyone should get a wave it's God.

Enough about me and what I think. I'm gonna tell a joke now.

The pianist at this-ere country church down south called in sick one Sunday morning. So, a young feller from d hi-scool band volunteered to play d piccolo whilst they sang. At d end of d first hymn, someone shouted; "dat piccolo player is a knucklehead!" D preacher stood up n said; "Will d mana - what calleda d piccolo player a Knuckleheada - please stand upa!" Didn't nobody stand up. Preacher said; "Will d mana - what sitten next to d mana - what called d piccolo player a knuckleheada - please stand upa!" Didn't nobody stand up.Preacher said; "Will d mana - sitten next to d mana - sitten next to d mana - what called d piccolo player a knuckleheada - stand upa!" Bout dat time a deacon stood up and said; "I ain't d man sitten next to d man, sitten next to d man, what called d piccolo player a knucklehead. And, I ain't d man sitten next to d man, what called d piccolo player a knucklehead. And, I ain't d man, what called d piccolo player a knucklehead. But what I wants to know is, who called dat knucklehead a piccolo player!

I know some of y'all don't got no sense o humor. Bless yur hearts. So, y'all jes don't reply.

 

[starfield]

Being raised a Baptist, y'all gotta know we gotta have a sense of humor. So I'll get the ball rolling. Hope to get lots of witty replies.

As I said, I was raised a Baptist but I got a touch of Pentecostal too. I guess I'm Bapticostal. Like a Baptist, I agree there should be no dancing. Cause, well it's stupid! But like a Pentecostal, I don't agree with that "Once saved always saved" stuff. That there's why half the the Baptist Church don't show up on Sunday morning. I totally agree with Baptist on speaking in unknown tongues. We got enough problems with English. Baptist don't wave their hands in the air like Pentecostals do, and I see nothing wrong with that. I'd like to start a wave in church like we do at the football games. I think if anyone should get a wave it's God.

Enough about me and what I think. I'm gonna tell a joke now.

The pianist at this-ere country church down south called in sick one Sunday morning. So, a young feller from d hi-scool band volunteered to play d piccolo whilst they sang. At d end of d first hymn, someone shouted; "dat piccolo player is a knucklehead!" D preacher stood up n said; "Will d mana - what calleda d piccolo player a Knuckleheada - please stand upa!" Didn't nobody stand up. Preacher said; "Will d mana - what sitten next to d mana - what called d piccolo player a knuckleheada - please stand upa!" Didn't nobody stand up.Preacher said; "Will d mana - sitten next to d mana - sitten next to d mana - what called d piccolo player a knuckleheada - stand upa!" Bout dat time a deacon stood up and said; "I ain't d man sitten next to d man, sitten next to d man, what called d piccolo player a knucklehead. And, I ain't d man sitten next to d man, what called d piccolo player a knucklehead. And, I ain't d man, what called d piccolo player a knucklehead. But what I wants to know is, who called dat knucklehead a piccolo player!

I know some of y'all don't got no sense o humor. Bless yur hearts. So, y'all jes don't reply.

*Laughing*. ^^^That's brilliant!

But no dancing? Just 'cause it's stupid? Oh please! Y'all gotta come up with a better justification than that. Lol....jk


I'll think of a joke and post later. Currently super busy.

 

[Shilo]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder... She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

 

[Shilo]

One night a man by the name of John Henry was driving down the road in a bad snow storm. When he saw a woman broken down with a flat tire. So he pulled over to help her out. The woman was petrified, thinking it was dark out and was afraid of the man and the man saw this. So he told the woman not to be afraid. So he told her, listen, if you're that afraid, keep the car running with the heat on for yourself and lock the doors till I change the tire for you. So she did so. The man finished changing her tire and he was ready to drive off when she finally got out and stopped him. She went to him, could I please give you some money for the great help that you've been to me? Now John Henry was just about broke. But his heart told her no. You just help someone else out one day when they will need it. She thanked him and said, ok. She started to drive off and saw a little old dinner as she was very hungry and got a piece of pie and a cup of coffee. A pregnant waitress was there by herself and waited on her. The waitress asked if she could get her anything else? She said no, that filled me just perfect. The waitress left the bill. She went in the back to get something from the kitchen. When she returned the lady was gone. She looked under the napkin and saw eight one hundred dollar bills under it. She ran outside to get the lady but she had already driven off. The waitress was very, very happy though. She cleaned off the table and was getting ready to close up. When she got home she kissed her husband on the forehead as he was sleeping and said, John Henry, our prayers have been answered. We now have enough money to pay for our new baby to be brought into this world which is dew next month.

 

[2LIVE4GOD]

adam came home late one night after having a wonderful time strolling along in the garden and having a great jubilee at all the creation that was about him.

finally adam reached home and was about to ask eve to come join him and gaze at the stars when he noticed she was asleep on the couch. well adam didn't want to disturb her so he figured he would just go right to bed and tell eve all about his experience that very morning.

as adam was walking down the hallway to go to bed a board squeeked as he stepped on it.

well this awoke eve up immediately. eve immediately began looking for adam and as soon as she spotted him she began questioning him were he had been all night and that he better not be with another woman.

adam replied by stating " eve... you're the only woman here. " well this just frustrated eve to no end.

well adam finally got to his room, laid down, and fell fast asleep. soon adam was woken up by a sharp pain in his side. there was eve poking him in his ribs.

adam looked at her and said " eve are you nuts or something. why are you poking me."

eve replied " i am just checking and counting your ribs to see if there is any other woman around."

 

[CDavid]

Well, it was back in bout 1870. This here Irish missionary was pass'n through Oklahoma. He was walk'n long side d Arkansas river, when he sees this here cowboy ride'n lopsided on his horse. Dat cowboy fell off his horse n jest couldn't get back up. He wuz drunker dn nine kind o Indians. D preacher run up to him, grab m by d collar, took m down to d river. Preacher shuv dat cowboy down in d water n say; "Ie baptieeez ya in d name of d Fawder n d Son Holy Spirdrdrit!" He brang dat cowboy up n say "Did ya see Jeeezus?" dat cowboy say; "Naw Sa I dent." Preacher shuv dat cowboy down in d water agen . He say; "Iee baptieeez ya in d name of d Fawder n d Son n d Holy Spidrdrit!" Pull dat cowboy up n say; "Did ya see Jeeezus?" Cowboy say; "Naw Sa I dent." So dis time d Preacher Shuv dat cowboy down n dis time he hold dat cowboy in dat water least 4 r 3 minutes. Dat cowboy jes kick'n n twist'n, d bubbles com'n up, jes bout drown dat cowboy, Preacher say Ieee Baptieeeez ya n d name of d Fawder n d Son n d Holy Spidrdrdrdrit, He pull dat cowboy up out d water n say; "Did ya see JEEEZUS! Dat cowboy say; "You sure dis whar he fill in?"

 

[Ariel82]

Sorry to burst your bubble but the Baptist in south Africa danced in church and some local ones in nc do that flag dancing thing......
mmm...plum out of jokes..

how can Southerners make the term bless yur heart both a way to show endearment and pity at the same time?

 

[Jullianna]

Ariel, being from the south, seems to me that more often than not it is used to soften a criticism that was probably best left unspoken in the first place.

When I would say something stupid in younger days (and I still say plenty of stupid things haha), my older brothers would roll their eyes, pat me on the head and say, "Bless her heart..ain't she perty?" Softens the blow a bit in an endearing way.

 

[StephenH]

Reminds me of the Mississippi Squirrel Revival by Ray Stevens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K16fG1sDagU

 

[Ariel82]

ok they're not mine but I found them on the internet....

BIBLE JOKES from Ask the Bible.com

Did you know Jesus was an American Indian?
AAAAAHis name was chief cornerstone.

Who was the fastest runner in the bible?
Adam because he started first in the human race.

Why didn’t Cain bring God an acceptable offering?
AAAAABecause he wasn’t Abel!

How did Moses make his tea?
AAAAA"Hebrewed" it


A Joke about a Pastor
A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:

Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me."

The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastors message was another scripture passage.

It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself."

 

[CDavid]

Sorry to burst your bubble but the Baptist in south Africa danced in church and some local ones in nc do that flag dancing thing......
mmm...plum out of jokes..

how can Southerners make the term bless yur heart both a way to show endearment and pity at the same time?

Try it some time. Especially when someone offends you. Like the Good Book says, it's like heaping hot coals on their heads.

It also makes it easier to say what you really think and get away with it, for example:
That's an ugly baby! Bless his heart.
Your feet stink! Bless your heart.
He's as dumb as a box of rocks! Bless his heart.
Yo mama is so fat! Bless her heart.

 

[Ariel82]

mmm so that's why everyone keeps saying it to me

 

[CDavid]

mmm so that's why everyone keeps saying it to me

Bless your heart!

 

[sabaqtani7]

Jesus was walking down the street, and a man came up and poked him in the side, and asked 'does it hurt?'

Jesus stroked the man's forehead and replied 'the mind over the body, brother'.

The soldier took a step back and said 'isn't that a bit Buddhist?'

Jesus looked at him and replied 'haha, say that with a crown of thorns in your head, brother'.

So the roman came back the next day, and saw Jesus sitting cross legged under an olive tree, ad asked 'is.nt that a bit buddhist?' .

Jesus took one look at the blood running down the mans face and said 'you literalists always were crazy'

 

[Ariel82]

??? i don't get it... o nevermind... ummm

Bless your heart dearie

(but I'm not sure your Jesus is the same one talked about in the Bible. )

 

[Ariel82]

I like this one. its got the logic of a child

"Bible Joke from Dave Okunade

One Saturday the Pastor's 5 year old daughter complained of a stomach ache to her mother. Her mother replied, "That's because you have an empty stomach. You need to feed it with something."

The next day her father sat down after a long sermon and complained of a headache. His daughter replied, "That's because you have nothing in your head you need to feed it with something.""

 

[Ariel82]

ok picture time...

kind of creepy the images your get by typing "Bible jokes" in a google search engine...

 

[jimmydiggs]

Contributing to the war effort:

 

[Ariel82]

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Jest Kidding » Bible Jokes

 

[jimmydiggs]

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Jest Kidding » Bible Jokes

I thought the pain in the side came after the wife?