Newlywed in Sexless Marriage

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looovesjesus

Guest
#1
#1
My husband is not being faithful to our marriage - by this I mean that he does not desire sex with me. It has been almost a year that we have been married. We stayed pure before we got married. I told him I have a high sex drive and asked him about his to see if we would be compatible. He told me he has a high sex drive too. He told me we would have children. I tried initiating the first few months. I don't anymore because he does not want me. He never has initiated and hasn't even kissed me since february or march. (Not sure - it's been so long) I think he might be asexual. He has not cheated. He is just not interested in sex at all.

I know Paul says God wants the opposite of this in 1 Corinthians.

If I knew this was true I would not have married him. He has lied about a lot of other things too - the lying has been almost pathological. If I knew the truth I would not have married him. But how can you know the truth if someone is so committed to lying. I am a trusting person and am not always good at telling when people are lying.

I don't know why he married me. He is totally uninterested in me. Because of this I asked him twice why he married me, and he says nothing. Not even because of love. I think he married me because of insecurity. His friend that he idolizes was getting married and he really wanted to be like him & his fiance.

I have been praying for my marriage since the wedding day. He was not interested in sex on the honeymoon either. Yet he rushed the wedding - pressured me to get married sooner than I wanted to. I don't understand... :(

What should I do?

*also - this is not the point of my post but not good news - some of his lies (& irresponsibility) have hidden the fact that I could be in jeopardy of having Tax Liens against my bank accounts and possible garnishment of my wages...I keep finding out secrets on accident... :(
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#3
Magenta said:
The marriage has not been consummated? Leave. Now.
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Yup, what Magenta said. He may not have consummated the marriage with YOU, but if he has such a high sex drive, then it's a good chance he's getting it elsewhere.. :/ And if he is, that's adultery so you can divorce him without fear of what God would say..
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#4
#4
It was consummated. We had sex a few times when I tried to make things work in the very beginning. I thought maybe he was just shy at first. But he is not interested in sex.

Since it was consummated that is why I don't know what to do. I talked to an attorney and he said I have grounds for annulment but annulment is difficult to prove in some states, so he would petition for an annulment with a backup of a dissolution (divorce). Jesus is against divorce. So I am conflicted because I want to do what God wants.
 
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epostle

Senior Member
#5
Oct 24, 2015
660
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#5
You and your husband need professional help. There are some choices you can make. If he refuses, you may have to issue an ultimatum: cooperate with help or get out.

Check to see if your minister has marriage counselling credentials. Some are highly trained and others will do more harm than good.

Another option is Retrouvaille. It's more effective than counselling. Retrouvaille is Catholic in origin. Couples of all faiths and those with no faith tradition are welcome and encouraged to attend. Christian Multi-Denomination (CMD) weekends may also be available in some areas. On CMD weekends, a Christian minister and spouse take the place of the priest on the presenting team.

You are legally entitled to full disclosure of finances. If you are "finding things out" he has control issues as well.

Do everything you can before doing anything drastic. Divorce can be extremely painful.
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#6
#6
He's not getting it anywhere. He is always at home right after work. I think he might be Asexual - just not interested in sex.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#7
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#7
looovesjesus said:
He's not getting it anywhere. He is always at home right after work. I think he might be Asexual - just not interested in sex.
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Hmmm.. Sounds like he just wanted to emulate his friend's wedded bliss. You know, monkey see, monkey do..He's a man with a high sex drive, he'll consummate your marriage sooner or later..hopefully.. I've NEVER met a guy who ISN'T interested in sex.. My exes were and are, sex addicts. I feel sorry for their wives or gf's.. :/
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#8
#8
epostle said:
You and your husband need professional help. There are some choices you can make. If he refuses, you may have to issue an ultimatum: cooperate with help or get out.

Check to see if your minister has marriage counselling credentials. Some are highly trained and others will do more harm than good.

Another option is Retrouvaille. It's more effective than counselling. Retrouvaille is Catholic in origin. Couples of all faiths and those with no faith tradition are welcome and encouraged to attend. Christian Multi-Denomination (CMD) weekends may also be available in some areas. On CMD weekends, a Christian minister and spouse take the place of the priest on the presenting team.

You are legally entitled to full disclosure of finances. If you are "finding things out" he has control issues as well.

Do everything you can before doing anything drastic. Divorce can be extremely painful.
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I asked him to see this amazing Christian therapist about our marriage issues and he said no. I saw her and she basically just told me I can't change him, only God can - which I already know. But if he doesn't ever plan on having sex with me, that's not right to trick me into a marriage.

He did decide to go see her for himself which is huge and no matter what happens between us, I am so glad he is getting help that he badly needs. I think he has a lot of psychological problems.

Divorce would not be painful to me - it would be a relief. But I don't want to do it because it's against the bible & not something God likes. I am a newish Christian and looove God so much - I don't want to do anything that will hurt Him.
 
PennEd

PennEd

Senior Member
#9
Apr 22, 2013
12,945
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#9
I'm terribly sorry to hear of your situation. Remember Romans 8:28. Dear sweet Lord. You know the problem in this marriage. Please pour out Your Spirit and wisdom to all involved. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#10
#10
PennEd said:
I'm terribly sorry to hear of your situation. Remember Romans 8:28. Dear sweet Lord. You know the problem in this marriage. Please pour out Your Spirit and wisdom to all involved. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
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Thank you so much! Yes I think about this verse often - always knowing God will work good for me no matter what happens.

I am fine with this option too, but am not sure what choice to make...
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband...
 
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epostle

Senior Member
#11
Oct 24, 2015
660
15
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#11
looovesjesus said:
I asked him to see this amazing Christian therapist about our marriage issues and he said no. I saw her and she basically just told me I can't change him, only God can - which I already know. But if he doesn't ever plan on having sex with me, that's not right to trick me into a marriage.
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That's grounds for annulment. As I understand it, the state does not offer annulments. The state can only issue a decree of divorce. A divorce is a requirement before the annulment process can begin. An annulment means the Church, after a thorough investigation by a tribunal, declares a marriage to be nul. In other words, it has to be proven that no marriage exists. A wedding does not make a marriage. Non-Catholic churches do not require an annulment before remarriage.

He did decide to go see her for himself which is huge and no matter what happens between us, I am so glad he is getting help that he badly needs. I think he has a lot of psychological problems.
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There could be medical reasons for impotence/libido loss.

Divorce would not be painful to me - it would be a relief. But I don't want to do it because it's against the bible & not something God likes. I am a newish Christian and looove God so much - I don't want to do anything that will hurt Him.
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You want to please God and do the right thing. That's what I like about you.
No one here will be able to tell you whether or not your marriage is valid. I could give you an unqualified opinion, but I could be wrong. What constitutes a "marriage" to be invalid? Google "grounds for annulment".
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#12
#12
You say your husband idolizes his male friend? What does he idolize about him? And then he rushed you into marrying him right after his friend got married because he wants to be like him? Your husband sounds very insecure about himself. On top of the other things that you are discovering that he's been hiding, I would think there needs to be some serious investigating.
 
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JeniBean

Guest
#13
#13
Well...perhaps he has low testosterone! Or something in his past affected him and he is unsure of himself. Obviously you feel undesirable and this is causing a strain. Its time for a series talk with a professional present and time fir a doctors check up for him.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#14
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#14
My first thought when I read that about his friend, was latent homosexuality. It means he is totally in denial, and probably won't act on it for a long time. But if he is not attracted to women, there is nothing you do can change that.

I'm very sorry you are in this terrible situation. It does not sound like a marriage at all to me. Wanting no sex in the first year of marriage, or maybe first 30 years of marriage, sounds like your marriage is going to be a no-go.

God does forgive people who divorce. Especially because of the dishonest way he trapped you and continues to lie about finances.

I would talk to a pastor and probably find a good lawyer. If you would only feel relief at a divorce, then you probably do need to separate, and go from there.
 
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Little_Woman

Guest
#15
#15
Seriously, finally I'm not ready at all to get married in fact!
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#16
#16
epostle said:
Non-Catholic churches do not require an annulment before remarriage.


There could be medical reasons for impotence/libido loss.


You want to please God and do the right thing. That's what I like about you.
No one here will be able to tell you whether or not your marriage is valid. I could give you an unqualified opinion, but I could be wrong. What constitutes a "marriage" to be invalid? Google "grounds for annulment".
Click to expand...
I actually talked to a lawyer and he said I have grounds for annulment based on fraud, but that it's very hard to get an annulment in the state we were married, so he would do a petition for annulment with a backup petition of dissolution (divorce).

I'm pretty positive that his issue is not medical. He won't even talk to me about it, so he just wants to avoid sex and the serious topic. When I ask him why he married me or why he rushed me and pressured me into marrying him, he won't tell me that either.
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#17
#17
Little_Woman said:
Seriously, finally I'm not ready at all to get married in fact!
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Wait a long time! ;) Even if you date for a long time, if the other person lies or hides so many things, it's impossible to know the truth though. But I am a poor judge of people - so you will probably do better than me! I am always seeing the good in people and downplaying red flags or flaws. :/ I am praying for wisdom and discernment.
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#18
#18
Angela53510 said:
My first thought when I read that about his friend, was latent homosexuality. It means he is totally in denial, and probably won't act on it for a long time. But if he is not attracted to women, there is nothing you do can change that.

I'm very sorry you are in this terrible situation. It does not sound like a marriage at all to me. Wanting no sex in the first year of marriage, or maybe first 30 years of marriage, sounds like your marriage is going to be a no-go.

God does forgive people who divorce. Especially because of the dishonest way he trapped you and continues to lie about finances.

I would talk to a pastor and probably find a good lawyer. If you would only feel relief at a divorce, then you probably do need to separate, and go from there.
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Thank you, I know God forgives people that get divorced. I really don't feel like this is a marriage at all since we haven't had a sex life during the marriage and he keeps so much secret and separate. I also don't think I can ever believe a word he says again after all the lies and secrecy.

It's sad because he is not deceitful to be malicious - I think he is just very screwed up mentally. He is actually very sweet, when he is staying close to God. He might even be attracted to women - he acted like he was attracted to me when we were dating. But we stayed pure so it's hard to tell if he really desired me or if he was just affectionate. I think not being interested in sex is also related to his psychological damage. I just didn't know... He's good at putting on a mask of happiness and optimism toward strangers and to me before we lived together.

It's also sad because as I have been praying for my marriage all year, I kept having faith and hope that it would change, but I guess after waiting to have sex until married , if you're not interested in sex once you get married - you probably never really will be... He also went away from God for like 6 months and it was so horrible for me to live with him, but now he has been back to Jesus for about 3 weeks and is being so sweet again but he still won't sleep under the same comforter as me. He sleeps on top of the comforter that I sleep under. So the psychological problems are pretty deep. There's more stuff too. Sometimes I think he is delusional. :(

I did talk to a lawyer and I have grounds for annulment. I emailed a pastor and he referred me to a Christian therapist. It's just so hard to give up on something when you thought originally that God called you to this...
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#19
#19
JeniBean said:
Well...perhaps he has low testosterone! Or something in his past affected him and he is unsure of himself. Obviously you feel undesirable and this is causing a strain. Its time for a series talk with a professional present and time fir a doctors check up for him.
Click to expand...
I'm pretty positive it is deep psychological issues.
 
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