Newlywed in Sexless Marriage

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looovesjesus

Guest
#21
#21
VioletReigns said:
You say your husband idolizes his male friend? What does he idolize about him? And then he rushed you into marrying him right after his friend got married because he wants to be like him? Your husband sounds very insecure about himself. On top of the other things that you are discovering that he's been hiding, I would think there needs to be some serious investigating.
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He basically thinks his male friend is so perfect & pretty much wants to be him. Yes, he is very insecure.

The financial stuff scares the crap out of me. He's not paying his bills and then Sunday told me he plans on signing up for a gym membership that is $150 per month!!! I told him we can't afford that. (I had to lease a new car because his got repossessed.) He said "I can afford it. I make good money." I told him that other gyms are much cheaper and maybe he should look at the fancy gym after he gets his real estate license and after paying his other bills first - and after chipping in for our bedroom furniture that I'm paying for. He will probably get that expensive gym membership anyway.

He has this delusional point of view that he should be living this luxury lifestyle and that's why he wants the new expensive gym membership. He is always ordering food to be delivered from expensive places, but then he doesn't pay all his bills. I would like to blow my paycheck on living it up too but I am responsible and live in the real world.

Sadly, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Mentally, he is like a child in a lot of ways. Before we lived together, I just thought he could afford all that stuff - that he really made as much as he said, so I wasn't worried about his spending. I found out after we were married that he was able to spend all that money because he was racking up credit and tax debt & delinquencies. Our electricity almost got shut off because it was in his name. Luckily I got the mail with the 48 hour notice stamped in red on the front of the envelope!
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#23
#23
Were either of you married previously?
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#24
Jan 24, 2011
11,783
2,948
113
#24
looovesjesus said:
He basically thinks his male friend is so perfect & pretty much wants to be him. Yes, he is very insecure.

The financial stuff scares the crap out of me. He's not paying his bills and then Sunday told me he plans on signing up for a gym membership that is $150 per month!!! I told him we can't afford that. (I had to lease a new car because his got repossessed.) He said "I can afford it. I make good money." I told him that other gyms are much cheaper and maybe he should look at the fancy gym after he gets his real estate license and after paying his other bills first - and after chipping in for our bedroom furniture that I'm paying for. He will probably get that expensive gym membership anyway.

He has this delusional point of view that he should be living this luxury lifestyle and that's why he wants the new expensive gym membership. He is always ordering food to be delivered from expensive places, but then he doesn't pay all his bills. I would like to blow my paycheck on living it up too but I am responsible and live in the real world.

Sadly, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Mentally, he is like a child in a lot of ways. Before we lived together, I just thought he could afford all that stuff - that he really made as much as he said, so I wasn't worried about his spending. I found out after we were married that he was able to spend all that money because he was racking up credit and tax debt & delinquencies. Our electricity almost got shut off because it was in his name. Luckily I got the mail with the 48 hour notice stamped in red on the front of the envelope!
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This sounds a lot like a personality disorder. Not sure which one, some dependency there, delusions, childlike behavior etc. If he can sort of function, it probably isn't a psychiatric disorder, although I may be wrong. Personality disorders are usually created by some kind of childhood trauma, including abandonment. Even if a person with a PD will acknowledge their illness, and wants to change, it is extremely difficult and takes a lot of work by the person with a qualified therapist. Sadly, most people with this do not want to change, or will not even acknowledge the problem.

If that is the situation, you are right to leave. I also think you need to leave behind your expectations for this marriage, which have already crashed and burned. That is the only thing holding you back from moving on, really.
 
SkittlePumpkin

SkittlePumpkin

Senior Member
#25
Sep 13, 2015
1,666
146
63
#25
I'm not so good at the advice giving, but I'm praying for you :)
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#26
#26
I hate to bring this up but...do you think he might be gay?
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#27
#27
VioletReigns said:
Were either of you married previously?
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He was married for about 3 years, 14 years ago, but he said there was cheating by both spouses. They got married because she got pregnant.

It's really hard for me to believe he cheated on her.

I was married for 10 years. We got divorced 10 years ago because he was emotionally abusive (to our children also). We were both atheists. I really tried to make it work but neither of us knew God.
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#28
#28
MollyConnor said:
I hate to bring this up but...do you think he might be gay?
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I don't think he's gay. I think he is either asexual, or has a lot of psychological damage - maybe a personality disorder. Probably a combination of those things.
 
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looovesjesus

Guest
#29
#29
Angela53510 said:
This sounds a lot like a personality disorder. Not sure which one, some dependency there, delusions, childlike behavior etc. If he can sort of function, it probably isn't a psychiatric disorder, although I may be wrong. Personality disorders are usually created by some kind of childhood trauma, including abandonment. Even if a person with a PD will acknowledge their illness, and wants to change, it is extremely difficult and takes a lot of work by the person with a qualified therapist. Sadly, most people with this do not want to change, or will not even acknowledge the problem.

If that is the situation, you are right to leave. I also think you need to leave behind your expectations for this marriage, which have already crashed and burned. That is the only thing holding you back from moving on, really.
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I think you are right. I think he has a personality disorder. I looked at the signs of personality disorders from the mayo clinic and he has several signs from 4 different categories.

Thank you for your advice!
 
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