Boyfriend addicted to porn...should I end it with him?

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BethanyNichole

Guest
#41
#41
Cairparavel said:
i almost fell out of my chair LOL reading this. Are you kidding me?? Addiction, especially porn has NO age limit. You could be 80 and have a serious problem. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work itself out on its own or magically go away when a man turns 30. NOPE. Heavy counseling, prayer, and 12 step groups are his only hope. I actually think it gets worse as a man gets older because his wife no longer looks "barely 18" anymore!!! Hello!!!! I'm not trying to be negative, girlfriend, but if you stick with him, be prepared! That's all i'm saying.
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I agree, it can be a lifelong battle. If he gets better now there could be a chance he goes back to it so you just need to be ready for that and ask him to be open and honest if he does go back. Like he said he got into because of the guys work shop so that can definitely happen again. You can't really keep him from looking at it at work since they have it around and I've heard a lot that guys do that in their free time a work. I will pray for you. :)
 
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BethanyNichole

Guest
#42
#42
LuvPonies said:
Everyone, thank you again for your encouragement and advice, I really appreciate it all!

Let me clarify the addiction thing...you're right, that's a harsh accusation. All I did was find porn in his computer history, and that porn was in the frequently visited list. I shouldn't have jumped right into thinking he was addicted. My boyfriend and I had a chance to talk tonight and he says he only just got into porn in the last two months. I guess the guys at his workplace (he works at a tool shop..."shop talk" is aptly named, and he has told me about this stuff at work before) have porn all over the shop in the form of magazines and calendars and even though he tries not to see it, it's hard to avoid. He says he ended up looking up how to massage (he gives me massages a lot because I have nasty back problems) and he ended up coming across porn and got sucked in.

I was extremely skeptical of the whole thing, and still am, but he could also be telling the truth. He certainly seemed sincere and he told me he wanted me to set up controls on his computer to help him resist temptation. He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed that he had gotten sucked in and he said it wasn't fair to me and it was not a reflection of who God wanted him to be. I encouraged him to also confide in a fellow brother in Christ for advice and support, and he agreed.

On another note, we tried to set up internet controls and bought a program called "SafeEyes" but we couldn't seem to get the controls right. We called technical support and uninstalled and reinstalled the software, to no avail. Any advice there? IS there a more user friendly version we can get? This program only worked if you were logged in, and logging out was easy and logging in was a choice that had to be made once the computer started up. Some controls!! My boyfriend said to take the laptop for now, until we can figure out the program or get another.

I also wanted to note that I've been reading and praying about this situation, and the verse that stood out to me in prayer time was in Matthew, about God's greatest commandment being to love one another. I know God is speaking because our church has been doing an entire series on love from the book of 1st John. Also, while my boyfriend and I were talking, I felt God give me a direct command to love him, as he was confessing about how he had gotten into porn. Now, does that mean I will stay with him? I don't know yet. But right now I feel at peace in giving him a chance to beat this before I hit the road.

I appreciate your prayers and advice. May God bless you as I have been blessed through you all!
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Have y'all seen Fireproof? Maybe you can watch together.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#43
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
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#43
tourist said:
I am saying that she replies with love in her heart. A cold, calculated reply lacks warmth and compassion and does not benefit anyone. I agree that God gives us brains to use but without wisdom that can be a dangerous thing.
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Replying with love is great, replying with love and actual facts is even better.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#44
#44
tourist said:
I am saying that she replies with love in her heart. A cold, calculated reply lacks warmth and compassion and does not benefit anyone. I agree that God gives us brains to use but without wisdom that can be a dangerous thing.
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A compassionate answer full of falsehoods is just as dangerous.


And that's not a dig at Blue. She seems to do a lot of good on here, so i'm not attacking her. But excusing bad information because a person is nice or sincere just doesn't float.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#45
Jan 24, 2011
11,783
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#45
Reading your OP, all I see is negatives about this boyfriend. You have walked away from marrying this man for other reasons, I think you are just comfortable with him, although the Holy Spirit is telling you to leave.

Even marrying a strong Christian man can be a hard walk in our culture and society. Marrying a man who has lied and cheated on you is ridiculous. Your OP screams out that you are done. Please re-read it,and you will have your answer.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#46
Feb 21, 2014
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#46
Gary said:
It is not illegal unless it involves children……calling the cops is not good advice!
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Gary, when I said if it were me, I was referring to what I personally would do. I did'nt suggest for HER to do it. :)
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#47
Feb 21, 2014
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#47
Nautilus said:
I was just going to stay out of this thread but seeing such gross ignorance on the topic being discussed makes me call into question why you thought the need to comment with grossly inaccurate information. Now Porn isn't good for anyone and if people have issues with it then they should get help in some form through counseling, web-blocking software, prayer etc. But 1) Porn is not illegal. It's actually a very profitable industry that exists in the open and pays taxes. 2) there is no need to call cops because someone owns porn, the cops will probably just laugh at you. 3) i hope for our childrens sake you aren't in a position of education.
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​nautilus, i do believe i DID mention getting professional help for him. Porn IS illegal if it involves kids..how do YOU know that this guy DOESNT have kiddy porn on his computer?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#48
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#48
tourist said:
Actually, she is in a position of education as she offers a lot of keen insight and empathy. She is very prayerful in her sensitive replies to those that are hurting or maybe just need a hug. The children of today are a lost generation. Hopefully, with a few more like her some of the kids are spared from making harmful decisions in their lives.
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​tourist, thank you. you're a sweet person. :)
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#49
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#49
Ugly said:
A compassionate answer full of falsehoods is just as dangerous.


And that's not a dig at Blue. She seems to do a lot of good on here, so i'm not attacking her. But excusing bad information because a person is nice or sincere just doesn't float.
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ugly, thank you. :) My answer was not full of falsehoods, however. I approached my reply with the thought of the porn on his computer being partly of kids, which IS illegal. Most people who have porn of adults on their computer SOMETIMES have kiddy porn as well. I know that addictions are lifelong, however I DID mention getting professional help for him, as well as to rely on God to take this urge away. We dont know if the porn IS of children, the OP didnt mention it. I do appreciate people's comments, as I definitely dont mind being corrected. :)
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#50
Mar 13, 2014
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#50
Ugly said:
A compassionate answer full of falsehoods is just as dangerous.


And that's not a dig at Blue. She seems to do a lot of good on here, so i'm not attacking her. But excusing bad information because a person is nice or sincere just doesn't float.
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I had a root beer float once at A & W.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#52
Mar 13, 2014
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#52
blue_ladybug said:

ugly, thank you. :) My answer was not full of falsehoods, however. I approached my reply with the thought of the porn on his computer being partly of kids, which IS illegal. Most people who have porn of adults on their computer SOMETIMES have kiddy porn as well. I know that addictions are lifelong, however I DID mention getting professional help for him, as well as to rely on God to take this urge away. We dont know if the porn IS of children, the OP didnt mention it. I do appreciate people's comments, as I definitely dont mind being corrected. :)
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I definitely mind you being corrected. There is gentle correction and there is self-righteous correction. I appreciate "your" comments.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#54
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#54
tourist said:
I definitely mind you being corrected. There is gentle correction and there is self-righteous correction. I appreciate "your" comments.
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tourist, I do think people get a little carried away on here sometimes when they feel the need to "correct" people. I dont mind being corrected, but people did'nt need to call me a straight up liar, either. I always try to keep my replies full of positivity, but sometimes I guess other people just dont see it. That is their problem, not mine. :) If nautilus and ugly had taken the time to re-read my OP, maybe they would have realized that I was saying what I personally would do if I found porn on my guy's computer, and they would have realized its not foolish to think that maybe the porn his gf found IS that of children. Either way, it's over and done.
I agree with Angela's reply. The OP came here pretty much knowing what she should do. She just wanted our advice. :)
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#55
Mar 13, 2014
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#55
blue_ladybug said:

tourist, I do think people get a little carried away on here sometimes when they feel the need to "correct" people. I dont mind being corrected, but people did'nt need to call me a straight up liar, either. I always try to keep my replies full of positivity, but sometimes I guess other people just dont see it. That is their problem, not mine. :) If nautilus and ugly had taken the time to re-read my OP, maybe they would have realized that I was saying what I personally would do if I found porn on my guy's computer, and they would have realized its not foolish to think that maybe the porn his gf found IS that of children. Either way, it's over and done.
I agree with Angela's reply. The OP came here pretty much knowing what she should do. She just wanted our advice. :)
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Yes, we will give this a rest now as we have more important things to do. I think I will just blend a pitcher of Raspberry Smoothies...
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#56
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#56
tourist said:
Yes, we will give this a rest now as we have more important things to do. I think I will just blend a pitcher of Raspberry Smoothies...
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​tourist, yum!! Smoothies are awesome!! Save one for me pls!! :)
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#57
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
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#57
blue_ladybug said:
​nautilus, i do believe i DID mention getting professional help for him. Porn IS illegal if it involves kids..how do YOU know that this guy DOESNT have kiddy porn on his computer?
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So you just assumed that because the guy had looked at porn he was automatically a pedophile and had child porn? That seems like a hop skip and a really long jump away from rational thought processing. Its almost worst now knowing you just assume anyone who looks at porn must have kiddy porn as well.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#59
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#59
Nautilus said:
So you just assumed that because the guy had looked at porn he was automatically a pedophile and had child porn? That seems like a hop skip and a really long jump away from rational thought processing. Its almost worst now knowing you just assume anyone who looks at porn must have kiddy porn as well.
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nautilus, NO I did NOT "assume that because the guy had looked at porn, he was automatically a pedophile." I never even MENTIONED anything about pedophilia. YOU are assuming that I thought he is a pedophile. Also, a friend of mine is the police chief here--I could ask him about it, and tell you exactly what percentage of porn found on computers also includes kiddy porn. I'm sure he could give me a pretty accurate answer, seeing as how he IS a police officer and deals with this everyday. :) Anyway, child porn is not the question of the OP. I suggest you quit focusing solely on MY posts, and get back to the question of the OP, which is: should she leave him or not.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#60
Mar 13, 2014
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#60
blue_ladybug said:

nautilus, NO I did NOT "assume that because the guy had looked at porn, he was automatically a pedophile." I never even MENTIONED anything about pedophilia. YOU are assuming that I thought he is a pedophile. Also, a friend of mine is the police chief here--I could ask him about it, and tell you exactly what percentage of porn found on computers also includes kiddy porn. I'm sure he could give me a pretty accurate answer, seeing as how he IS a police officer and deals with this everyday. :) Anyway, child porn is not the question of the OP. I suggest you quit focusing solely on MY posts, and get back to the question of the OP, which is: should she leave him or not.
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Sounds like this guy has an inferiority complex. I will say a prayer for him as soon as I finish my fruit smoothie.
 
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