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B
He's not being honest with you so how will you know if he ever will? You can't change him, believe me I've tried that route before. You deserve better. Think of your worth.
I agree about grace but if someone continues to not be honest then personally that's it for me. And about the strip club thing, I doubt he really had his head down. What guy goes to a strip club and has his head down. He had a choice to do the right thing. If he didn't want to see he would have left. I also think it's weird he named the bird Jasmine. I would ask him about it.
I'm not telling you to end it, that's ultimately your choice. I'm just trying to give you some advice.
God loves you!
I agree about grace but if someone continues to not be honest then personally that's it for me. And about the strip club thing, I doubt he really had his head down. What guy goes to a strip club and has his head down. He had a choice to do the right thing. If he didn't want to see he would have left. I also think it's weird he named the bird Jasmine. I would ask him about it.
I'm not telling you to end it, that's ultimately your choice. I'm just trying to give you some advice.
God loves you!
a guy... not liking porn....hmmmm. any man ever tells you he's never looked at women .... honey that dude is gay!!!
its not my job nor any others to tell you what to do about a relationship that can only be seen from one side. and even then the side we are see'in is rather limited.no offence but its possible we should be tellin the guy to run for the hils too!
why are you not sittin in a pastors office doin this?if you have doubts ......don't marry that's stupidity gone to seed.
its not my job nor any others to tell you what to do about a relationship that can only be seen from one side. and even then the side we are see'in is rather limited.no offence but its possible we should be tellin the guy to run for the hils too!
why are you not sittin in a pastors office doin this?if you have doubts ......don't marry that's stupidity gone to seed.
I completely agree with you, and did not mean to imply that she SHOULD stay, only that I am beyond fortunate that my wife DID stay. But we went through some horrible stuff to get where we are now, almost exclusively because of my sin. While it is true, as you say, Jesus died for our sins and we have the power through Him to not sin, however we still live in our sinful bodies and WILL continue to be tempted. I thought if I accepted Jesus it was going to be like a magic bullet for my addictions. The problem is if we feed our flesh instead of our spirit it will grow but never be satisfied. Finally the Lord put on my heart that I needed to feed my spirit and starve my flesh. UNTIL her boyfriend comes to this truth he will lose his struggle and the lying and deceptions will continue.
L
Thanks for the advice guys. As you all know, praying and hearing from the Lord is the ultimate decision maker, so what I need more than anything is prayer, if you all don't mind adding me to your prayer lists.
Like I had mentioned before, the real problem is not the porn addiction, but rather the lies. He was expert at deceiving me that he wasn't into this stuff. I'm worried that even if he does seem to be getting himself right with God, how can I ever really trust him if he lies all the time? He might SEEM like he's changing and asking for help, etc but even if he is able to resist for now, if he goes back to it years later in our marriage he probably won't tell me again! And if he's so good at lying (I've caught him several times in other things, too not just this) what other things is he hiding from me?
Like I had mentioned before, the real problem is not the porn addiction, but rather the lies. He was expert at deceiving me that he wasn't into this stuff. I'm worried that even if he does seem to be getting himself right with God, how can I ever really trust him if he lies all the time? He might SEEM like he's changing and asking for help, etc but even if he is able to resist for now, if he goes back to it years later in our marriage he probably won't tell me again! And if he's so good at lying (I've caught him several times in other things, too not just this) what other things is he hiding from me?
i'm more concerned about your communication than any of the other stuff you shared. and that's saying something.
all of what you wrote tells me that he's either unprepared or incapable of being brutally honest with you. the very fact that he is telling his family frustrating things about you that you are completely unaware of is a HUGE red flag. your having to find things, police him, be the spiritual compass in the relationship. this is a major problem, too.
this is your time for him to show you his ability to be a leader. instead, he's proving the opposite. he's not sharing his struggles with you, he's keeping them from you. that's a MAJOR red flag.
i would never marry a man who i didn't think could treat me as his emotional confidant, capable of sharing his frustrations about me, and be open about what he's struggling with.
that's part of the point of being in a relationship/marriage. to be a team, not an emotional sparring match where you have to run away from each other to grab rations and fortification. this is what you're describing.
i'd return him to the "oven" to "bake" a lot longer.
all of what you wrote tells me that he's either unprepared or incapable of being brutally honest with you. the very fact that he is telling his family frustrating things about you that you are completely unaware of is a HUGE red flag. your having to find things, police him, be the spiritual compass in the relationship. this is a major problem, too.
this is your time for him to show you his ability to be a leader. instead, he's proving the opposite. he's not sharing his struggles with you, he's keeping them from you. that's a MAJOR red flag.
i would never marry a man who i didn't think could treat me as his emotional confidant, capable of sharing his frustrations about me, and be open about what he's struggling with.
that's part of the point of being in a relationship/marriage. to be a team, not an emotional sparring match where you have to run away from each other to grab rations and fortification. this is what you're describing.
i'd return him to the "oven" to "bake" a lot longer.
Dating or courting is a time when you learn whether you are compatible with each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together in marriage. Due to the rocky 5 years you've had, I would say to break it off. Then you, yourself, need to get good Christian counseling or simply immerse yourself in your bible-based church and your own personal relationship with Christ. Do not enter into another relationship for at least one year -- you need time to heal from this and become your own individual.
If, after the year, your current boyfriend wants to "take up" again, then you need to take it VERY slowly. He will need to earn back your trust.
It is better to be single than be with the wrong man.
If, after the year, your current boyfriend wants to "take up" again, then you need to take it VERY slowly. He will need to earn back your trust.
It is better to be single than be with the wrong man.
I wouldn't be where I am at now if it wasn't for my wife sticking by me through my addiction to porn and masturbation. Sometimes it's, well i'd most of the time us guys need a good woman to stick with us through the thick of it. Sure she could have abandoned me with my issues, she saw I was desiring change, the change has taken years but she loves me. Love is willing to be hurt, love is willing to see the best in someone, love is long suffering until someone gets it right - my wife has taught me this through her faithfulness. You can say or think you deserve better etc. Well..so does God with us yet He's with us with open arms. NOW i'm not saying any of this to tell you should stick with him, it's just to i guess, encourage you to stick it out with him if he is honestly desiring change but is stumbling along the way but then there are those who think there is nothing wrong with what they do; if that is the case with him then I don't know what you should do. You need to lay down which one he is.
G
There are very few people in this life that dont struggle with sexual sin. If your boyfriend is "addicted" to porn than he is sick and he needs help. Addiction is a disease of the mind and a sickness of the heart, but by no means does that mean he is a bad person. It sounds like some relationship counseling would be beneficial and maybe he could seek individual therapy if he truly is "addicted" to porn. Addiction is a strong word, based on your post I dont get the feeling he is addicted to porn. Its sounds like you two may be on different levels spiritually, which is ok, grow with him, forgive like weve been forgiven and see if its bears any fruit. IF it doesnt than you know that he's not the one God has planned for you.
L
Everyone, thank you again for your encouragement and advice, I really appreciate it all!
Let me clarify the addiction thing...you're right, that's a harsh accusation. All I did was find porn in his computer history, and that porn was in the frequently visited list. I shouldn't have jumped right into thinking he was addicted. My boyfriend and I had a chance to talk tonight and he says he only just got into porn in the last two months. I guess the guys at his workplace (he works at a tool shop..."shop talk" is aptly named, and he has told me about this stuff at work before) have porn all over the shop in the form of magazines and calendars and even though he tries not to see it, it's hard to avoid. He says he ended up looking up how to massage (he gives me massages a lot because I have nasty back problems) and he ended up coming across porn and got sucked in.
I was extremely skeptical of the whole thing, and still am, but he could also be telling the truth. He certainly seemed sincere and he told me he wanted me to set up controls on his computer to help him resist temptation. He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed that he had gotten sucked in and he said it wasn't fair to me and it was not a reflection of who God wanted him to be. I encouraged him to also confide in a fellow brother in Christ for advice and support, and he agreed.
On another note, we tried to set up internet controls and bought a program called "SafeEyes" but we couldn't seem to get the controls right. We called technical support and uninstalled and reinstalled the software, to no avail. Any advice there? IS there a more user friendly version we can get? This program only worked if you were logged in, and logging out was easy and logging in was a choice that had to be made once the computer started up. Some controls!! My boyfriend said to take the laptop for now, until we can figure out the program or get another.
I also wanted to note that I've been reading and praying about this situation, and the verse that stood out to me in prayer time was in Matthew, about God's greatest commandment being to love one another. I know God is speaking because our church has been doing an entire series on love from the book of 1st John. Also, while my boyfriend and I were talking, I felt God give me a direct command to love him, as he was confessing about how he had gotten into porn. Now, does that mean I will stay with him? I don't know yet. But right now I feel at peace in giving him a chance to beat this before I hit the road.
I appreciate your prayers and advice. May God bless you as I have been blessed through you all!
Let me clarify the addiction thing...you're right, that's a harsh accusation. All I did was find porn in his computer history, and that porn was in the frequently visited list. I shouldn't have jumped right into thinking he was addicted. My boyfriend and I had a chance to talk tonight and he says he only just got into porn in the last two months. I guess the guys at his workplace (he works at a tool shop..."shop talk" is aptly named, and he has told me about this stuff at work before) have porn all over the shop in the form of magazines and calendars and even though he tries not to see it, it's hard to avoid. He says he ended up looking up how to massage (he gives me massages a lot because I have nasty back problems) and he ended up coming across porn and got sucked in.
I was extremely skeptical of the whole thing, and still am, but he could also be telling the truth. He certainly seemed sincere and he told me he wanted me to set up controls on his computer to help him resist temptation. He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed that he had gotten sucked in and he said it wasn't fair to me and it was not a reflection of who God wanted him to be. I encouraged him to also confide in a fellow brother in Christ for advice and support, and he agreed.
On another note, we tried to set up internet controls and bought a program called "SafeEyes" but we couldn't seem to get the controls right. We called technical support and uninstalled and reinstalled the software, to no avail. Any advice there? IS there a more user friendly version we can get? This program only worked if you were logged in, and logging out was easy and logging in was a choice that had to be made once the computer started up. Some controls!! My boyfriend said to take the laptop for now, until we can figure out the program or get another.
I also wanted to note that I've been reading and praying about this situation, and the verse that stood out to me in prayer time was in Matthew, about God's greatest commandment being to love one another. I know God is speaking because our church has been doing an entire series on love from the book of 1st John. Also, while my boyfriend and I were talking, I felt God give me a direct command to love him, as he was confessing about how he had gotten into porn. Now, does that mean I will stay with him? I don't know yet. But right now I feel at peace in giving him a chance to beat this before I hit the road.
I appreciate your prayers and advice. May God bless you as I have been blessed through you all!
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K9 us a great tool for blocking, pretty easy to use and its free just Google it. Its great to see you guys are talking about it and sorting it out. The whole shame thing is sincere, I know what he is going through, shame causes you to hide and shut down, he needs to learn to recognise it and intentionally push through it. It helps if you cultivate a safe environment for him to talk and let you know what's happening which means no judgement or condemnation, but exhorting him to continue in holiness
I am going to reply to the title of this thread: boyfriend addicted to porn, should I leave him? Ummmm the answer to that should be quite obvious!!! YES!!! He has an addiction that he cannot break without professional (and divine) help!! If he has porn on his computer, you should advise him to delete it, because possessing porn is illegal. If it were me, I'd report him to police. Pray for him to receive deliverance from this addiction but for God's sake, DONT MARRY HIM!!! At least, not until he has this addiction is gone for good.
I'd wait...... Its not unusual for twenty somethings to be attracted to porn. In time, the hormones usually subside and pornography isn't an issue, in fact it becomes boring. I wouldn't try to block his access to it, that just eliminates trust, he's an adult and needs to comes to terms with it himself. He knows it upsets you, so of course he'll lie about it. If you love him and if he's not cheating on you, it might be worth exercising some patience until he grows out of it. But be advised that most guys under 29 will likely be attracted to porn sites. Lots of luck.
C
i almost fell out of my chair LOL reading this. Are you kidding me?? Addiction, especially porn has NO age limit. You could be 80 and have a serious problem. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work itself out on its own or magically go away when a man turns 30. NOPE. Heavy counseling, prayer, and 12 step groups are his only hope. I actually think it gets worse as a man gets older because his wife no longer looks "barely 18" anymore!!! Hello!!!! I'm not trying to be negative, girlfriend, but if you stick with him, be prepared! That's all i'm saying.
I was just going to stay out of this thread but seeing such gross ignorance on the topic being discussed makes me call into question why you thought the need to comment with grossly inaccurate information. Now Porn isn't good for anyone and if people have issues with it then they should get help in some form through counseling, web-blocking software, prayer etc. But 1) Porn is not illegal. It's actually a very profitable industry that exists in the open and pays taxes. 2) there is no need to call cops because someone owns porn, the cops will probably just laugh at you. 3) i hope for our childrens sake you aren't in a position of education.
Actually, she is in a position of education as she offers a lot of keen insight and empathy. She is very prayerful in her sensitive replies to those that are hurting or maybe just need a hug. The children of today are a lost generation. Hopefully, with a few more like her some of the kids are spared from making harmful decisions in their lives.
U
Nope. Porn is not illegal. It's actually regulated by the government. Why do you think gas stations sell Playboys and other porn mags? Why are there porn shops? Because it's not illegal.
So, ditch him as soon as possible, eh? No talking. No grace. No second chances.
Lastly, addiction of any kind is life long. You can be victorious, but all addictions have an inherent risk in falling back. Does this negate a persons validity in marriage or relationships? Nope. Because i wonder what sins you keep repeating.
So, ditch him as soon as possible, eh? No talking. No grace. No second chances.
Lastly, addiction of any kind is life long. You can be victorious, but all addictions have an inherent risk in falling back. Does this negate a persons validity in marriage or relationships? Nope. Because i wonder what sins you keep repeating.