Discipline Advice

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regina45

Guest
#1
#1
My son is 22 and lives in an apartment I pay for. I also help pay his tuition. His father is no longer around, so he hasn't been disciplined in years. But lately, he's been failing classes in college, drinking, smoking, not going to church, lying to me, spending all his time playing games and using the internet, and I suspect he may be fooling around with his gay roommate. I'm paying for his apartment, so he's still basically still living under my roof, but I'm not able to give him the discipline I think he needs to straighten him out and he's been disrespectful and rude to me. If his father were still around, he would whip him with his belt until he learned some respect and I think he'd be much better off. I think he would benefit from a good, hard whipping, but there's nobody in his life that can give it to him. I'm not strong enough myself and I don't know anyone else around here that would be willing to deliver a much needed, old-fashioned spanking. What should I do? Should he even still be spanked at this age? He's acting like a child, so I feel like he should be treated like one. Thank you!
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#2
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#2
regina45 said:
My son is 22 and lives in an apartment I pay for. I also help pay his tuition. His father is no longer around, so he hasn't been disciplined in years. But lately, he's been failing classes in college, drinking, smoking, not going to church, lying to me, spending all his time playing games and using the internet, and I suspect he may be fooling around with his gay roommate. I'm paying for his apartment, so he's still basically still living under my roof, but I'm not able to give him the discipline I think he needs to straighten him out and he's been disrespectful and rude to me. If his father were still around, he would whip him with his belt until he learned some respect and I think he'd be much better off. I think he would benefit from a good, hard whipping, but there's nobody in his life that can give it to him. I'm not strong enough myself and I don't know anyone else around here that would be willing to deliver a much needed, old-fashioned spanking. What should I do? Should he even still be spanked at this age? He's acting like a child, so I feel like he should be treated like one. Thank you!
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yes if his father was around he could assault him with a strap of leather... He is 22, if you dont like it stop supporting him, but nice job advocating abuse in the meantime.
 
Toska

Toska

Senior Member
#3
Nov 16, 2013
1,857
22
38
#3
He is an adult and should be treated like one. If you are supporting him and he is taking advantage of you, cut him off if you are able to. I understand it is hard for some parents to stop helping their adult children. I don't suggest whipping him or having someone else do it, someone would end up going to jail for assault.

Pray, pray, pray for him. It sounds like he needs Jesus very much.

God Bless, I hope all works out for you.
 
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mamasan

Guest
#4
#4
Quit giving him money. He is 22 YRS old. If he has not been disciplined by now, he ain't gonna be disciplined. Giving him more money is not gonna make him respectful of you.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#5
#5
Maybe he's acting like a child because you're treating him like one (paying his way still), rather than the other way around.
He doesn't have to grow up and act like a man, because he hasn't really got any responsibility.
You can't "discipline" him at this age, but you can stop enabling him to act like a child.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#6
Jan 24, 2011
11,783
2,948
113
#6
He is not a baby any more. Spanking him would amount to assault!

However, if I ever had a son doing this, the money would be stopped immediately!

Cut him off. Tell him if he gets his grades up, you will reconsider supporting him, till he graduates, which should be at the end of this semester, if he is doing a 4 year degree.

Enabling a grown child is the WORST thing you can do for them. It creates dependent personality disorder, and they never grow up. I have a brother like this, now 57 and still living at my elderly mother's home, as my sister and I try and get social services to find him a place. Trouble is, he is completely spoiled, and wants a luxury home, with servants, and they can't find him that.

I have the sad feeling my mother will die waiting on him in her 80's before she is able to get rid of him. Did I mention he is a useless slob? My mother's words, not mine!
 
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megaman125

Guest
#7
#7
regina45 said:
My son is 22 and lives in an apartment I pay for. I also help pay his tuition. His father is no longer around, so he hasn't been disciplined in years. But lately, he's been failing classes in college, drinking, smoking, not going to church, lying to me, spending all his time playing games and using the internet, and I suspect he may be fooling around with his gay roommate. I'm paying for his apartment, so he's still basically still living under my roof, but I'm not able to give him the discipline I think he needs to straighten him out and he's been disrespectful and rude to me. If his father were still around, he would whip him with his belt until he learned some respect and I think he'd be much better off. I think he would benefit from a good, hard whipping, but there's nobody in his life that can give it to him. I'm not strong enough myself and I don't know anyone else around here that would be willing to deliver a much needed, old-fashioned spanking. What should I do? Should he even still be spanked at this age? He's acting like a child, so I feel like he should be treated like one. Thank you!
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I'm curious how you could type this and not come up with a way to discipline your son. Seriously, stop the flow of money, that will either get his attention, or he'll fall flat on his face in a very short time frame. Either way, that's what he needs.
 
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IntoTheVoid

Banned
#8
Sep 14, 2013
915
5
0
#8
Maybe he's behaving his way because he was obviously mistreated in his younger days. Maybe you should look closer to home for answers and hold yourself accountable for being a part in disgraceful behaviour.
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#9
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#9
My son is dying of cancer, and if I could have managed better as a mother he wouldn't have needed the nicotine and alcohol he used to bring on the cancer. He would have learned to depend on the truths of God, instead. I have a choice of living with the terrible guilt of this, or giving it to the Lord. I did the best I could, I tried the hardest I was able to manage, now I must let my son go and not add to my and his sin with guilt.

It is not Godly to help your son more to live as he is, you must let him go. God loves him even more than you do, and God allows him to make his own choices.
 
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jkalyna

Guest
#10
#10
RedTent said:
My son is dying of cancer, and if I could have managed better as a mother he wouldn't have needed the nicotine and alcohol he used to bring on the cancer. He would have learned to depend on the truths of God, instead. I have a choice of living with the terrible guilt of this, or giving it to the Lord. I did the best I could, I tried the hardest I was able to manage, now I must let my son go and not add to my and his sin with guilt.

It is not Godly to help your son more to live as he is, you must let him go. God loves him even more than you do, and God allows him to make his own choices.
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I pray the Lord gives you strenght and Peace RedTent.
 
Agricola

Agricola

Senior Member
#11
Dec 10, 2012
2,638
88
48
#11
Good Lord, I have two relations, brothers who were members of my family who were working as Civil Servants aged 16. IN 1915 they volunteered to join the army, The Kings Own Civil Service Rifles, the youngest lied about his age. During battle of the Somme in autumn of 1916, the younger brother was only 17 years old when he saw his brother blown to pieces, he was only 20 years old. The younger survived the war by transferring to the Army Pay Corp, having served for a year and being a civil servant.

In contrast your darling son is scrounging money off you, playing you for a fool and just doing what he wants for his own pleasure and gain. At least he lived to 22 , unlike many poor souls who died in war.

It is time to sever the apron strings once and for all. If he does not want an education then he has to get a job. Make him pay rent. He needs his own place without your input or help.

You have to be cruel to be kind.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#12
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#12
regina45 said:
My son is 22 and lives in an apartment I pay for. I also help pay his tuition. His father is no longer around, so he hasn't been disciplined in years. But lately, he's been failing classes in college, drinking, smoking, not going to church, lying to me, spending all his time playing games and using the internet, and I suspect he may be fooling around with his gay roommate. I'm paying for his apartment, so he's still basically still living under my roof, but I'm not able to give him the discipline I think he needs to straighten him out and he's been disrespectful and rude to me. If his father were still around, he would whip him with his belt until he learned some respect and I think he'd be much better off. I think he would benefit from a good, hard whipping, but there's nobody in his life that can give it to him. I'm not strong enough myself and I don't know anyone else around here that would be willing to deliver a much needed, old-fashioned spanking. What should I do? Should he even still be spanked at this age? He's acting like a child, so I feel like he should be treated like one. Thank you!
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Regina45, first of all, your son is 22 years old! That is way beyond the age of a parent having to take care of a child. He is an ADULT now--make him act like one! Stop paying his rent, tell him to get a job and pay it himself. Cut the motherly apron strings!! He is responsible for himself now--NOT YOU. Spanking or whipping a 22 year old is not only ridiculous, but illegal also. You're talking about him like he's twelve, instead of 22! If he has to fend for himself from here on out, without support from you, believe me he will learn discipline very fast!! :) Stop wasting your money on him, kick him out, and pray without ceasing for him!!
 
P

presidente

Senior Member
#13
May 29, 2013
9,091
1,754
113
#13
Rather than finding someone strong enough to whip a 22-year-old...and willing to do so... why don't you just cut him off financially. Or you could talk to him and tell him what you expect of him if he wants support. If he doesn't study and make good grades, you'll cut off his tuition. If he shows you disrespect and doesn't find another place (if you're pretty sure about the homosexuality thing), you'll cut off rent money. Whatever terms you choose to lay down. If he's disrespectful, you could say you aren't paying rent the next month. Expecting him to have a job isn't unreasonable either at 22. Ten or 20 hours a week at the grocery store, McDonalds, delivering the newspaper, etc. would be a lot better than goofing off and help prepare him for life after he finishes his education. If you can't have a decent conversation, write him a letter and let him know you won't tolerate disrespect. Hopefully he'll humble himself and try to talk it out with you.

A twenty-two year old should be mature enough to know to be respectful to his mother. He shouldn't be going through that difficult transition of the teen years, and even then that's no excuse.

My folks didn't have a lot of money. They had trouble with a house that went underwater just before I went to college. I took care of tuition mostly through student loans. they took out a parent loan with the understanding I would pay it back. This is when college was much cheaper and I was able to pay it off with a year of full-time work and a year or so of part-time work. If I were going to school, they would feed and house me. They did that for their other kids. My brother decided he didn't want to study English and dropped out of junior college, even though he had an art scholarship. So he had to pay rent. If we were in school, we didn't have to pay. If we weren't, we did. None of us goofed off and got bad grades, but if we had, they probably would have modified the terms of our arrangement to cover that. It makes sense for you to pay his rent if he is following some plan you lay out for his good. If not, he is young and he can work to take of his own rent.
 
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andrewmhmusic

Guest
#14
#14
Agree , nothing wrong with disciplining/spanking in moderation, but he's way too old :) You can indeed stop enabling him to act like a kid. Think this is good advise and I agree with the other posters. I am new here btw hi everyone :)
 
Elizabeth619

Elizabeth619

Senior Member
#15
Jul 19, 2011
6,397
109
48
#15
Spanking a child is used to teach them. At 22 it isn't going to work that way. He should have already been taught. I am sure it is difficult to let go, but he will not improve if you continue to come to his rescue. The best thing would be to cut him off financially like many before me have said. This doesn't mean you are a bad mother or that you have failed as a parent. He is 22, and what I see many in this thread doing is finding it ok to attack you and point fingers at you(especially those who don't even have kids) while your son is a grown man and responsible for his actions. Cut the apron strings, and let him be on his own. You're not going to be around the help him forever. He needs to learn to take care of himself,
 
B

BeeD

Guest
#16
#16
You have not been chastising him when he was little and now you have a grown monster on your hands. For reasons exactly like this is why the bible tells us to chastise our children early.....while they are young. You created that monster and now you have to pull out some tough love and prayer to hopedully undo the damage. For one, stop paying for the apartment he lives in. Make him get a job and support himself. Pay for his tuition and his tuition ONLY. Force him to fly or fall. It is past time for life and hardships to teach him to be a man.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#17
Mar 13, 2014
41,324
16,307
113
69
Tennessee
#17
blue_ladybug said:
Regina45, first of all, your son is 22 years old! That is way beyond the age of a parent having to take care of a child. He is an ADULT now--make him act like one! Stop paying his rent, tell him to get a job and pay it himself. Cut the motherly apron strings!! He is responsible for himself now--NOT YOU. Spanking or whipping a 22 year old is not only ridiculous, but illegal also. You're talking about him like he's twelve, instead of 22! If he has to fend for himself from here on out, without support from you, believe me he will learn discipline very fast!! :) Stop wasting your money on him, kick him out, and pray without ceasing for him!!
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I had a similar issue with my 33 year old stepson in Maine. I moved to Florida, alone.
 
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