I posted this on another thread as well. This is extremely hard for me to share.... But please can someone pray that I will stop feeling the need to throw up. I've struggled with Buliema in my life, recently as well. I'm so ashamed of myself and I'm sure God is too. I love the lord and hate what I'm doing to myself. Please pray for all of those struggling with this and other eating disorders. It's been extremely hard for me lately I always feel the need to be perfect. I tend to be very hard on myself and feel I deserve punishment when it comes to bad food choices.
Hi Godgivesmestrength I understand, I used to eat and throw up myself when I was much younger. Back then folks would call what I had bulimia as if were some deep rooted mental disease that needed a lot of therapy, but for me, it didnt. So I dont want to come in and make it like it was some long drawn out thing. For me, it was just a quick learned short cut to weight management. Sort of like picking up a bad habitual practice which served my own false ideals, lack of will power or self determination to get there. It was not a desparate attempt to escape obesity but to serve my own vanity. A means of controlling my figure, and because I would always hold onto that ten extra pounds against that perfect size the world tells me I should be (which I bought into hook line and sinker). I was always minding the things of the flesh (appearances on every front) whether to be more desireable or acceptable to whichever crowd I was seeking to please at the time. Its just one big disfunction after another following that course.
And speaking of appearances, over time it destroys your teeth, you dont want that.
The feeling that was a little hard for me to get past was letting what I ate remain (in my stomach) for fear it would take up residence on the other parts of me (where I obviously didnt want it) for vanity reasons. But the more you do it the more and more food you will take in because your binges are symptomatic of how famished you are. And you can somewhat satisfy the flesh by eating whatever you want during a binge to enjoy a momentary place of "fulness" and then throw it up again. And that feeling of satisfied (even fulness) stays with you until your body somehow figures out what you just did. Then it just becomes a "wash rinse and repeat" thing.
And all my fears here were shallow ones (skin deep fears) basically fears concerning getting fat and that was the only one. I never saw throwing up as a form of self punishment but for what it was an escape from getting fat.
Later on in life what helped me out a lot from swinging between skinny rail and too pudgy for my own preference was Body building. As mindless as I consider the same to be today being older (because there is nothing more boring to me now than counting reps and sets). But it really helped to get me into healthy eating pattern (and getting away from the scale) and into a physical fitness where I would let my clothes fitting or the mirror be more my guide. Not numbers on a scale.
Maybe the same coule help you in this are (as an option to consider along with all the great advice here). And maybe not body building per se' but some form of physical fitness. Besides, the body could use the muscle to burn the fat (those with eating disorders typicaly fear) which also becomes an incentivein respects to that effect.
Might help (if just a little) when dealing with bringing under yourself the more destructive part of you in that behavior. And I suppose its just as superficial (food and appearance) but can be helpful to some extent while trying move a patern of bad behavior into reverse.
Its a strange feeling when you begin to look forward to your gains (rather then losses) in the beginning while visible bones fade away under a more sleek muscular appearance. Not at all like those who inject temselves, that would not be what I am talking about, but it can help to get one refocus (in that) and aid (and especially in the begining) keeping ones fears of getting fat at bay.
Helped me anyway.
I come across your post at the front page I usually dont post in this section, and I will pray for you also
God bless you and help you as you seek Him in this.
Peace to you
