I'm losing my mind

[cemmanuel]

We have been married ten years. He is a pastor. I am a SAHM. We have two beautiful girls - a five year old and an eighteen month old.

Let me tell you his normal day. He sleeps at night. Wakes up and drives our older daughter to school. Comes back and has his breakfast while watching some tv. Then it's time for his morning prayer followed by a nap. Then he wakes up in time for lunch. Eats while watching tv again. Gives the kids their baths and sits down with the newspaper for an hour. Or more tv. Then the kids nap. When they wake up, he retreats into his study for his work/personal time - praying, working out, calling people up etc. Comes out in time for prayer and bible reading and helps me gets the kids to bed. And then he wants sex. Then on Friday Saturday and Sunday, the days he is busiest with work - he cannot be disturbed. He needs silence and needs to pray and work.

and he always wants sex. Even if we had sex yesterday. And if I don't cooperate, I get the silent treatment and evil eye for days.

I am not perfect. His complaints about me - I spend too much time on my phone. I sometimes don't shower for days - I feel so frustrated and tired that I don't want to. I don't clean up enough. He's very organized and clean. But I'm too tired.
I yell at the kids a lot. I am always cranky. I am too dominating and order him around. Apparently asking some to hand you something or asking someone to zip up a bag cos your hands are full is ordering around. I am overweight. I don't make any money. I have no drive to accomplish anything. I don't ever initiate or want sex. I am selfish and controlling.

I feel like everyone in the family gets to choose how much they want to so and when. And I have to do the rest - whether I want to or not. And I still have to be minty fresh, dressed to the nines and smiling while doing it all. And when I speak my mind, he says he does more around the house than most men do.

He is never physically abusive. He loves the kids. He provides. He prays. He is a good man. But I feel like his doormat.

I am tired. Help.

 

[cemmanuel]

And I am so lonely. I don't have too many friends. I don't have money to go out and hang out with people. And he doesn't talk. He only talks when needed - something about work, about the kids or something essential that needs to be discussed.

I am so alone. And depressed.

 

[cinder]

Sounds like although your husband is a pastor he could use some work on Rom 12:2 and not being conformed to the pattern of this world. Let every pastor and minister hear this: Being in ministry is NOT a valid reason to neglect your family. And yes from your description it sounds like he does neglect his family or at least his wife. It sounds like he doesn't respect you or your contribution to the household. Do you know another pastoral couple whose relationship you respect? It sounds like communication is non-existent between the two of you so you probably will need to bring in a mediator to help you rebuild your relationship. As I don't know what part of India you are in and know just enough to know that it is very different from the USA, I don't want to tell you what you should do. I will add though that one of the hallmarks of abuse is that the abuser tries to isolate the person they are abusing, and yes neglect is a form of abuse, so is constantly putting you down and telling you you are not good enough (for whatever reason).

You say he is a good man, is there more to support that than just he prays and provides money for the family? Praying by itself does not make a person a good person.

 

[jb02157]

I think the best thing that you could do for yourself and for the family is to go back to work. You you definitely feel better about yourself and you'll have a routine.

 

[cemmanuel]

Thanks to both of you for replying.

After ten years together, I think I can understand why he is the way he is. But I am unable to find a way to change it. He is insecure. And he feels big when he makes me feel small. He had a good childhood but I know he was abused. I am not making excuses for him - I am aware that he is neglectful of me, doesn't care for my feelings, needs and wants and sometimes is rude. Counseling isn't an option. He won't agree to it. He has so many issues and I am praying for The Lord to speak into his heart. He is such a loving father, a wonderful pastor to the church and a good son to his mother. I seem to be at the receiving end of all his emotional issues. Every time I sit him down and manage to get across to him how I feel, he apologizes and promises to treat me better. But that doesn't last. and he has communication issues. He overreacts and imagines things I didn't even say.

Just an hour ago we had another argument. It was so pointless and I feel foolish writing it, but this will give you an idea of how suspicious of me wanting to control him all the time. I have done nothing to warrant this behavior. He said "I'm going out. I need to go to a few stores" i asked "which stores, may I ask?" He replies "why do you want to know?" I said "never mind" because I don't like when he answers a question with a question. Then he starts saying that I want information from him but I can't tell him why I want to know. I said "I didn't get any information from you. But I wanted to know because if I needed something from any of those stores I could ask you". He replies "tell me what you need. I'll get it". I said "but I don't know which stores you're going to!" And he starts yelling again "you don't need to know everything. Just tell me what you need. I'll get it." I said " I don't need anything immediately. If I knew where you were going I could think about what I need" and he still didn't say where he was going. Took our older daughter along, and was home in 1/2 hour. My daughter says they went to a supermarket, the gas station and the pharmacy. He brought me back my favorite cookies which have been off the shelves for a while. But I still upset.

Going back to work isn't an option for few more years - that's when the little one will go to school. Child care isn't something I would want for the kids. Work sounds blissful though. A few hours away from home and from the kids and my husband sound amazing. At least that's something to look forward to for now.

 

[jogoldie]

When I was a young wife I had times where my weight would change so.much....I was overweight....
And when I didnt like my size....that would change me to a different person on the inside.....
I didnt want to bathe...or shop...and sex...well forget it....the last thing I felt was sexy.......
Little by little I started to be active.....put the baby on the back of the bicycle and rode to the park....
take all the dog walking turns....when I wanted cookies or one of my many happy chocolate choices..
I would go outside and sweep the porch.....little by little I was more pleasant to be around....
I could even remember being happy....and this changed the other issues in my life.....
once I had a routine for me and my daughters.....I found that....when daddy did get home
he started to be intersested in my day....you see I tried to make an adventure out of my
activities....and even looked forward to them.....I became an interesting person.......
We ask God for everything...so I figured if I ask Him to help me lose weight...that would be ok....
And thats exactly what happened....and after all this time....I still dont have a weight issue...
Go to God with all of this....He will give you what you need to blossom into the wife and
Mom you were meant to be....dont wait for others to make you happy....being a mom and
wife doesnt mean you cant get a life of your own....find what you enjoy...get your chores done and
get out and do something...include the girls.....mine helped me alot...as long as your being obedient
to God....it will be ok....you can do this girl....as my mom use to say....happy up...whatever that means....
But I did evenually enjoy sex again....cause I liked myself.....and then the people around you can like you too.

 

[presidente]

It sounds like your husband sleeps a lot. Why does he take a nap after breakfast? Cutting out TV might be good for him, too.

As far as sexual activity goes, husbands and wives are to meet each others needs in that area according to I Corinthians 7, so try to do that with a cheerful attitude and take a shower often. The bath thing is probably because you are so busy. I think you need to have a good talk with your husband explaining how tired and depressed you are. During the conversation, you could explain to him how tired you are and then ask him for more help and express some of your other concerns.

If you end up having an argument and one of you gets upset, little may come of the conversation. So the key is to tell him in a way he won't get upset. If you tell him in an angry or upset tone of voice, that may not go well. One thing my wife did when we first got married was if she had a problem, when we were laying down in each other's arms, she'd say sweetly, "Do you mind if I tell you something?" Here's a tip, you can do it while you are rubbing the hair on the back of his head. Gently tell him your concerns without sounding too critical. If he were to help more with the housework or the kids and let you go exercise or spend time with some children, that might help. Since he's a pastor, he may be supportive of your joining a women's prayer group while he feeds the kids one night a week. Or he could take over the house while you go do some exercise outside.

You should also let him know you feel tired and depressed. A lot of men go into 'fix it' mode. You could approach the conversation without making any suggestions on his part. Just tell him how tired and overwhelmed you feel with the housework and the children (without mentioning the sex) and ask him for ideas about how to decrease the workload. It might occur to him that he could help you, so you could get to that point of the conversation without suggesting it. Or he may come up with some other solution, like eating something simple one night a week. Quesadillas or canned soup and rice are rice or certain types of noodles could make an easy, quick meal. If you cook a lot, there are things you can do to decrease that amount of time.

If he doesn't mention the idea of him helping you with the housework, you could mention it. You could also very gently mention how much time he spends napping in the morning or watching TV in the most non-confrontational ways possible.

Maybe you could save this conversation for another time depending on how the other one goes, but if he yells at you when he talks to you, you could let him know how that makes you feel.

 

[Angela53510]

Instead of worrying about your husband, you need to deal with your own issues first.

This was my first BIG clue.

I sometimes don't shower for days

That is a sign of depression, perhaps severe. Many other symptoms are there. Sadly, when we are depressed, it is easy to blame our spouse, rather than seek treatment for ourselves.

There is no stigma to being depressed, it happened to many saints in the Bible. But the issue, is that YOU are not getting treatment for it. You may just need a small pill to turn things around. Then, instead of leaving the good parts about your husband to the last, you will see them first. You will be more rational about actually discussing the REAL things that are bothering you.

Oh yes, not wanting sex is another sign of depression. Sometimes men have higher libidos, but sometimes it is just that depression is pulling you down, and not making you want to love your husband.

Praying you can see a doctor, and get some help. And also that you will seek God yourself, and find his peace and joy!

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

 

[cemmanuel]

I needed to hear all that. Thank you. I still don't think it is all me though. I am not imagining his behavior and his habits. I don't know if I can go to a doctor for this. People don't go to psychiatrists much here. I may have to try to deal with it myself through prayer and effort. First - shower daily. Second - try not to turn him away. And hopefully things will look up. Thank you all. Pls keep me in prayer.

 

[sunburn]

I needed to hear all that. Thank you. I still don't think it is all me though. I am not imagining his behavior and his habits. I don't know if I can go to a doctor for this. People don't go to psychiatrists much here. I may have to try to deal with it myself through prayer and effort. First - shower daily. Second - try not to turn him away. And hopefully things will look up. Thank you all. Pls keep me in prayer.

Hope you will find the rest. When I was married and a SAHM, I gradually started having these feelings of being useless. Then i made a decision to look after myself. find a hobby, read, write, what do you like doing?, I took up cycling. when my ex was coming back from work, I would use the opportunity to have half and hour to jog and cycle. To keep the weight at bay and earthy eating.
It does help at least taking your focus away from your husband and showing him that you don't expect him to make you happy or pay attention to you all the time.
The truth is you are tires and letting yourself go. at the moment, it is more likely that you are part of a couple dynamic a cycle that most SAHM moms feels and a man can hardly compensate for your own faults.

He is a pastor and you are a pastor's wife this is even more difficult as I know how isolate pastor's wife can be…but you need to talk to him calmly about how you feel without making him responsible of your emotions because he will resent you for that..You have to do your part, is to pray and look after yourself…enjoy your OWN self and life and get your self esteem up and you will perhaps see that all you need to do is cheer up a little bit.


I am not addressing your husband behaviour because from what to say, it seems there is a lot more going on between the two of you that probably needs to come. He seems like a man who is trying but is giving up on you a little…at least emotionallly and is exasperated. Little argument like you mentioned above are typical of communication issues triggered by other underlining situations or a build up of things...

But for nor, I will urge you to look after yourself. You are not loosing your mind, you just need to pick yourself up and ask God to reveal to you who you are and hold your head high. Make yourself proud and your husband will appreciate your efforts.

 

[MrsClementMelton1122]

Wow!!! It sounds like he's suffering from a illness called insecure. A man with so much knowledge about the word but so little wisdom being used to make his wife happy. It sounds like you're unhappy and tired of being a doormat.

This man is very insecure and he can't accept constructive criticism about himself. If I were you praying and working on yourself and building a relationship with God is the only way to resolve this issue.

 

[Esanta]

And I am so lonely. I don't have too many friends. I don't have money to go out and hang out with people. And he doesn't talk. He only talks when needed - something about work, about the kids or something essential that needs to be discussed.

I am so alone. And depressed.

Your kids go to school, right? So why don't you go out jobhunting during the day, and spend time towards becoming a little more self-sufficient? Go out and meet friends? If your husband is clean, tidies up, works hard, prays, helps with the kids and has a decent sex drive, yet you are tired, cranky, sometimes not showering, then it sounds like you are depressed with the way you are, rather than how your husband is.

It sounds like you need to find some interests of your own, a part time job, perhaps, things to do outside the home - walking, exercise, hobbies - and to maybe see a therapist who can help you make more sense of all these negative feelings.

Your husband certainly doesn't sound perfect either, but he's surely a damn sight better than some of the others I've heard about here. Remember, it's not your husband's duty to change your emotions or your outlook. Only you can do that. You look to him to provide for all your needs, and that's impossible for any man.

You need to look at this situation from more than your own perspective.

 

[kanashina]

The conversation between the two of you does not seem normal. A man who loves his wife does not speak like that. No matter who it was spoken to, it is just simply rude and unkind. You mentioned he was "good" yet I cannot see he is loving if he treats you this way---even if you were in the wrong in an argument. His reply about going out to the stores, without telling you where, seems defensive somehow. As if he does not want to report to you. Is there an issue where he feels like you control him (whether or not it is real sometimes is besides the point if someone feels strongly it is so in their minds). I read how he thinks you do but I wonder if that is what is really eating at him for him to respond in that way.

Just for your own sanity, perhaps you should go out on your own and try enjoying some time doing something that gives you joy, whether a stroll along the beach or volunteering at the shelter, etc... I read that hurting women need time to get away from the loved one that hurt them just in order to heal. My husband never understood why I felt I needed to go away for a few hours and cry. Neither did I until I heard a recording on Focus on the Family about lonely wives. I thought I was insane for feeling lonely and neglected when my husband was an awesome father and Godly man---turns out I am not alone. In fact, 70 to 80% of women feel this way, I am told.

 

[Billyd]

And I am so lonely. I don't have too many friends. I don't have money to go out and hang out with people. And he doesn't talk. He only talks when needed - something about work, about the kids or something essential that needs to be discussed.

I am so alone. And depressed.

First visit your doctor and discuss the depression with him.

Does your church have a women's ministry? If not, start one. If it does, become an active part of it. Remember, God placed him in the ministry, and since the two were brought together as one in God, you are a very important part of that ministry. Ask him to sit down to breakfast as a family. Ask him what you can do to help him (proof reading, typing, searching scripture, etc.), if there anyone that you can call for him, if there's someone that you and the baby can visit for him, etc? Sit down and watch TV with him. He probably knows that there are things you can do, but doesn't know how to ask, or believe that you can. One of the biggest mistakes of most young pastors is the failure to make his spouse and family a vital part of his ministry. Don't let him fall into that trap. May God richly bless you.

 

[cemmanuel]

I feel broken and alone.

I thank you all for taking the time to write here. Yes, I agree with those of you who say I am depressed and those who say I am focusing too much on what he does and I need to set myself right first. I agree. I am already working on that.

But I just want to ask - is it okay to treat your wife heartlessly just because she's harried and depressed?

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It's been a week since we had a conversation that wasn't absolutely necessary. And he lay in bed beside me and knew I was crying. He just kept poking me in the shoulder saying "what is it?" And then he finally stopped poking my arm and went and got himself a brownie and came back to bed.

I've asked him several times to eat at the table with us. But every meal is eaten in front of the tv. Sometimes I get the kids away from the idiot box and the three of us eat at the table. But he won't join us. He needs the tv playing while he eats.

He had always felt I was controlling. When we got married, I was in a good job, making more than he was. My family was more traveled and 'cultured' so to speak. I never felt superior and I love his family. I talk to my mother-in-law on the phone at least once a week. And it is a 30-40 min conversation. We have a good relationship. But he barely says hello to my parents when they visit. And when we visit them, it's just me and the kids usually. And if he comes, he can't wait to get out of there. So what if they aren't believers? Does that mean they don't get the respect they deserve for just for being my parents? So he thinks we're all haughty controlling people and his aim is to put me in my place.

I am not trying to portray myself as perfect. I have a zillion faults. But I don't disrespect him. That's all I ask for - respect and concern.

 

[dabodab]

I feel broken and alone.

I thank you all for taking the time to write here. Yes, I agree with those of you who say I am depressed and those who say I am focusing too much on what he does and I need to set myself right first. I agree. I am already working on that.

But I just want to ask - is it okay to treat your wife heartlessly just because she's harried and depressed?

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It's been a week since we had a conversation that wasn't absolutely necessary. And he lay in bed beside me and knew I was crying. He just kept poking me in the shoulder saying "what is it?" And then he finally stopped poking my arm and went and got himself a brownie and came back to bed.

I've asked him several times to eat at the table with us. But every meal is eaten in front of the tv. Sometimes I get the kids away from the idiot box and the three of us eat at the table. But he won't join us. He needs the tv playing while he eats.

He had always felt I was controlling. When we got married, I was in a good job, making more than he was. My family was more traveled and 'cultured' so to speak. I never felt superior and I love his family. I talk to my mother-in-law on the phone at least once a week. And it is a 30-40 min conversation. We have a good relationship. But he barely says hello to my parents when they visit. And when we visit them, it's just me and the kids usually. And if he comes, he can't wait to get out of there. So what if they aren't believers? Does that mean they don't get the respect they deserve for just for being my parents? So he thinks we're all haughty controlling people and his aim is to put me in my place.

I am not trying to portray myself as perfect. I have a zillion faults. But I don't disrespect him. That's all I ask for - respect and concern.

Why not tell him? This should be for his ears. Maybe have a sit down and help him understand how you feel. Let him tell you too how he feels. Ask God to give you courage. God is able to help you communicate, if you let Him. What do you have to lose?

It appears you are still focusing on him. If this is how you behave around him-focus on him constantly-then it's clear the strain on your relationship is not all his fault. He's constantly got a pair of eyes on him, whatever he does, and that is uncomfortable! You know his every every move. He feels your displeasure and discomfort. You don't talk about it with him but seethe instead. Do you see that?

Many here have given you great advice. Start using some of it, besides just taking a shower. Re-read all the comments and pick just one for tomorrow. Your favorite one! Then do the same the next day. Start focusing on what YOU can DO for YOURSELF. He is not your savior and to put that responsibility on him is stifling and suffocating.

Stop the madness and listen! Or perhaps you are really just looking a place to vent? That is totally cool but call it what it is.

 

[Esanta]

I feel broken and alone.

I thank you all for taking the time to write here. Yes, I agree with those of you who say I am depressed and those who say I am focusing too much on what he does and I need to set myself right first. I agree. I am already working on that.

But I just want to ask - is it okay to treat your wife heartlessly just because she's harried and depressed?

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It's been a week since we had a conversation that wasn't absolutely necessary. And he lay in bed beside me and knew I was crying. He just kept poking me in the shoulder saying "what is it?" And then he finally stopped poking my arm and went and got himself a brownie and came back to bed.

I've asked him several times to eat at the table with us. But every meal is eaten in front of the tv. Sometimes I get the kids away from the idiot box and the three of us eat at the table. But he won't join us. He needs the tv playing while he eats.

He had always felt I was controlling. When we got married, I was in a good job, making more than he was. My family was more traveled and 'cultured' so to speak. I never felt superior and I love his family. I talk to my mother-in-law on the phone at least once a week. And it is a 30-40 min conversation. We have a good relationship. But he barely says hello to my parents when they visit. And when we visit them, it's just me and the kids usually. And if he comes, he can't wait to get out of there. So what if they aren't believers? Does that mean they don't get the respect they deserve for just for being my parents? So he thinks we're all haughty controlling people and his aim is to put me in my place.

I am not trying to portray myself as perfect. I have a zillion faults. But I don't disrespect him. That's all I ask for - respect and concern.

It's not really right to say he's not being 'normal', because seeing you unhappy, well I know from being with people before that when my partner is unhappy, sometimes I can become unhappy. Because I want my partner to be happy, and their unhappiness makes me feel like I am not bringing happiness to them? You know?

So, I can definitely understand why you might feel the way you do; sad that your husband doesn't seem to want to spend time with you and such. That can be very hurtful. Perhaps he is depressed too, in his own way?

 

[Billyd]

I feel broken and alone.


But I just want to ask - is it okay to treat your wife heartlessly just because she's harried and depressed?

No!

I have a son-in-law from India. It took us six months to get him to sit down at the dinner table, but he eventually came around. When they spend time with us, he now sits down with us and participates with us. My daughter says that he still prefers to sit on the couch and watch TV while he eats. She compromised. She moved a table in front of the TV and they eat dinner together. The conversations with their children usually result in the TV being muted.

Don't worry about faults. Paul had a thorn that he prayed that God remove. Instead he learned to use the strength of God to overcome the thorn. Remember only one perfect person has ever walked on the surface of the earth. That was the Lord Jesus Christ. He provides us the wisdom and strength to overcome our faults. From reading you posts, I see that both of you are very much in love. Use that love to draw you closer together, and in the process you will be drawn closer to Christ.

God bless you and your family.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Hmm, you husband does not sound bad neither do you. Maybe you just need to have a "date night" to break the monotony of the everday motions. Good luck to you sister.

 

[presidente]

Last night I cried myself to sleep. It's been a week since we had a conversation that wasn't absolutely necessary. And he lay in bed beside me and knew I was crying. He just kept poking me in the shoulder saying "what is it?" And then he finally stopped poking my arm and went and got himself a brownie and came back to bed.

It sounded like he behaved in a reasonable way. He showed compassion and tried to find out what was wrong with you. When you didn't respond, he went about his business. What was he supposed to do? If you want him to talk to you about your problems, you have to tell him what's bothering you.

I've asked him several times to eat at the table with us. But every meal is eaten in front of the tv. Sometimes I get the kids away from the idiot box and the three of us eat at the table. But he won't join us. He needs the tv playing while he eats.

I think this is a very reasonable concern. I've heard a number of pastors talk about the importance of eating a meal with the family. It is also good if the husband takes the lead in this happening. The dinner table is a good place to get to know what is happening with the children and to bond together as a family. In my family, that and family devotions at night are the time I'm together with all children at one time.

You have TV and Internet. Are you set up for streaming video? You could probably find a sermon that talks about how important it is to eat meals as a family. If you could find one from a preacher he likes and watch it with him, that may be a good way to communicate the idea to him. Yelling at him to come to dinner can be seen as nagging. If you could have a conversation about it with him in a nonthreatening way. For example, you could read a blog that talks about the importance of eating dinner as a family or listen to or read a sermon online about it, and mention it to him in a nonthreatening, gentle way when you aren't eating, and ask if he could join the family and bond with you and the children during that time.

I am not trying to portray myself as perfect. I have a zillion faults. But I don't disrespect him. That's all I ask for - respect and concern.

The Bible tells you to respect/reverence your husband, so you have to repent and begin doing that. Things between you may get better if you do. If you don't respect him, chances are, it comes out in the way you talk to him, and he will probably perceive your words as nagging or controlling. If you talk to him with respect, he may respond better. If you talk to him as someone making a suggestion to the man in charge, that may appeal to him more than if you talk to him like you don't respect him. He probably gets respect from a lot of other people in is life, but if his wife doesn't respect him, then that would be difficult for him. He might try to avoid conversations with you. He may want to spend more time with the TV and less with you if you don't respect him. He could still have a 'TV addiction' if you do treat him with respect, but still the marriage may be better.

I know you want respect from him, too. You are more likely to get it if you give it, though. He's not here asking for advice. You can't change him. But you can change you, and he may respond to that.