Please help me with your advice.

[jeje201504]

Hi there, I am new to the site. I want to share my story with you. Bear with me please as I want your insight. I was raised in a christian family. I was baptized at 15. I was very serious about my comittment to the Lord until the age of 17 when my first boyfriend raped me; I was still a virgin. I told him that I would remain a virgin until I get married. I didnt tell my family about it because I thought they would blame me for it since they did not approve of the relationship. After that, I became very promiscuous. I could not be without having a boyfriend in my life. They all betrayed me in their own way. So long story short, I just broke up with my last boyfriend last week. I found out he was cheating when he left his facebook open, then I found out he was cheating with multiple women. I confronted him about it, he got upset saying I should not get on his facebook without his permission.

After that, he apologized , promised he would stop; then I forgave him(stupid I know). A month later, I saw him texting one of the women he was cheating with on facebook. He said they are just friends; but I did not believe him. After that, I think a lot about the relationship that I decided to break it up. I realized he is not a christian. Even though I told him I wanted us not to have sex until we are married, he always wanted to have sex, and I gave up trying to reason with him. We had sex whenever he wanted it. It came to a point where I did not feel any guilt anymore when we did it. So, when he got my letter about the break up, he got upset asking to get back together I told him I do not want to be with him anymore.

When he realized it was for good, he gave the same lady he was texting my number to call me to tell me they are together. He told her we were never together and that we were just friends. I told her it s a lie , and she believed me. There was a lot of back and forth between us (him and I) via email cursing me out, threaten to expose me as a fake christian etc..Then I decided to go to his place to talk then to end things well and get my closure. I went to his place, we talked and decided to remain friends. Then he forced himself on me , raped me. He even asked to call the police because he knew I would not do it since I went to his place. I know it was a big mistake to do it.

Now I feel ashamed, guilty because I feel like God is punishing me because I disobeyed him too many times. I would ask him for forgiveness and went and did the same thing over and over. I m not even sure if I will be able to find the right person since I let so many guys take advantage of me. Sometimes I hate myself so much because I made too many mistakes. Now I want to dedicate myself to God, and follow His ways but I m afraid not to fall in the same pattern because it has happened before. What do you think of this? Do you think it s too late for me. I am 30 years old female and most of my friends are married with kids now. I have 4 sisters; they all married their first love. My parents always tell me that I need to be married and have kids because I m getting older. I do not know what to do. I know I am a kind person and very generous. I do not know what is wrong me that I am not able to find someone who will truly love me. As I am getting older, I became more afraid and paranoid. Give me some advice please and it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot for reading my post. May God bless you.

 

[Ugly]

Hi jeje Welcome to CC.

God is the God of second, third, forth chances. And way beyond. The only sin He cannot and will not forgive is refusing Him. You've screwed up a lot. But Gods specialty is making good come from bad. The more you have screwed up in the past, the more you have given Him to work with and make good come from it. Sure, we still sometimes have to deal with the earthly consequences, but this does not mean God is punishing us. This means we bring things on ourselves.

While you bring guilt and condemnation on yourself believing the lie that God is vengeful and angry at you and that you are not worthy to come to Him, He's standing there with tears in His eyes and His heart hurting waiting for you to come back to Him so He can begin healing your heart and mind. You don't need to get cleaned up to go to God, you go to God to get cleaned up. The only barrier between you and God right now is the one that you create in your mind. If you want to go back to God then go. He's waiting, He has been all along. And He doesn't have plans to scold and punish you, He is waiting to embrace you and shower you with His love and forgiveness.

Far as marriage, kids, etc.. God doesn't put us on earth to be baby making machines and spouses. God has a purpose for each of us. Perhaps one day God may bring someone to you, perhaps not, but right now you should stop worrying about that. You have a lot of healing to do. You are in no condition to try to be a spouse or girlfriend right now. Go immerse yourself in God.
Find your worth and purpose there, not in doing the same things everyone else is doing and feeling like if you don't have what they have you are any less of a person or woman.

And yes it is possible to find a guy who will care more about you in the present than your past. And if you meet a guy one day who can't, don't get discouraged, just tell yourself 'well, he's not for me, oh well' and move on and be happy in who you are.

 

[blue_ladybug]

1.) It's time for you to stop getting boyfriends and stay single for awhile. You also need to stop sleeping around with all these guys.

2.) You say you told God you'd stay a virgin until marriage, however the rape voided that promise. You also voided the promise by being promiscuos AFTER the rape.

3.) Men who cheat, rarely ever stop cheating. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You were right to forgive him, but very foolish to keep talking to him after he raped you. You should have stayed far away from him after that. Cheaters always say their sorry and won't do it again after they're caught cheating.

4.) If you knew it was a mistake to go to his house, knowing something might happen, then why did you still go there? That's like knowingly playing with fire and knowing you'll get burned. Why would you still want to be friends with someone who raped you TWICE?

5.) God has forgiven you but you need to forgive yourself. Despite what your family says, you do NOT need to be married or have a bf or kids to be happy. Only God alone can make you happy. You need to stay single for awhile and get your walk with God straight, and your life straightened out as well. Some people are meant by God to be single. You may very well be one of those people. Your parents are NOT God, they don't know what's best for you. Only God knows what's best for you.

6.) Since he has slept with multiple people, and you have as well, you need to get a full test for STD's done. Next time be smart and use protection, if you aren't already. If you had called the cops on him both times that he raped you, the animal would be in jail right now. You may be 30 years old, but you still have alot of growing up and maturing to do. You need to be more responsible for your actions and think first before doing something that could endanger you. I am also a victim of rape so I do understand how you feel, BUT there's no way in he11 that I would have tried to stay friends with my attacker who also happened to be my bf at the time.

 

[purpose]

Let Me start off by saying it is never to late to start again. In Life and your relationship with Our Lord and Savior. Look For Love in God and not Men. Recieve Gods Love that he has for you. It is difficult to do that if you have self hatred toward yourself . Cast that down and rebuke that in the name of Jesus. Feeling guilty Of course that is how our enemy works against us. He tempts us , we make a decision on our actions either right or wrong , when wrong the enemy makes us feel guilty. stupid i know , but true. You ask for forgiveness then you yourself must believe that you are. Dont feel that there is something wrong with you. Another Tactic way for our enemy to work against us. You were wonderfully made by God. We all make mistakes hopefully we learn from them and move on with life . with jesus by our side. If you are afraid to fall into the same pattern . Then don't you obviously know this pattern and with the strenght of jesus within you only you can change that pattern. You can. Do not be afraid! Take care of You And Whats important. Dont let other pressure you. You are still young . Anytime i feel pressure i take a step back and wait patiently on the Lord. In the past I learned when i do it wasn't From God but Again the enemy. God is a gentle God . A God of Gentle leading. God is Love. Dont rush into relationship and find out whom you are in Christ. Focus on Him and you. The right man will come around at the right time. Gods timing is always perfect. Remember He is ther for you and Loves You Very Much.!

 

[Dan58]

As Jesus told Peter; "the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41). What you want doesn't match what your doing. We all reap what we sow, and your attracting guys who exploit what your sowing. Follow the example of your sisters and keep your legs crossed until your married. You started out with the correct mind-set, but indulged in fornication. Like Jesus told the woman caught in adultery; "Go and sin no more". Put your mistakes behind you and follow your conscience. When we put the cart before the horse, we don't cover much ground (marriage needs to come before sex). Your sisters married their first love, its important to fall in love before falling into bed. Without love, I fear your attracting men who see no need to buy the cow when they're getting the milk for nothing. No offense intended, I'm just suggesting you try to exercise some self-discipline and do things in the order that God intended. We reap all kinds of havoc when we don't.

 

[atwhatcost]

I was gang raped when I was 21. It wasn't punishment. It was/is Rom. 8:28 in action. Take it. I hand over to you the verse that has carried me through.

You know what what was wrong? It wasn't on you. You were young and missed the signs, because you aren't that kind of evil. Rapists are a whole different kind of evil. But you were imprinted by it. You lost something, something that could never replaced. That shows for that kind of evil as easily as we can pick out a chartreuse car in a parking lot. Abusers can find the abused just that easily, and you didn't know to get rid of the mark left behind.

I can almost bet, you haven't been raped just twice. Some of those guys in between did the same thing, but you escaped in your mind, so you laid there. That's what I'm seeing with "they all betrayed me in their own way."

Here's the thing, that thing they see in you is because you're torn in two. One part of you picked out every single thing you say you did wrong, while, at the same thing cut down what they did to you to the one little word "rape." It's not that little, is it? Likewise, all the things you did "wrong," weren't that big. They didn't make you deserve being raped. You may know that but you don't know that. That's your other half, you really do know you didn't deserve it.

What you need is hard earned counseling. Not the type, where you talk, and the counselor babbles, "How do you feel about that?" The type where the counselor knows rape, knows you have to talk it all the way through. (Yes, all the way through, so it will hurt, be embarrassing, shameful, disgusting, and so much more. Still do it.) Mostly where the counselor knows what to do to get you to realize -- not what you did wrong, but what you did right. No, you can't do this on your own, you need help. Talk to your pastor (or a pastor, if you don't have one yet), who can send you to someone. (On the phone is good. No need feeling shame to someone who is going to send you to someone who can help.) Because that mark the monsters left on you (recent monster and past monsters) is the feeling that you aren't worth all that much, because of what was stolen from you.

You need to know that. You need someone who can show you that, not merely do what I'm doing and tell you that.

As for God? Well, if I wasn't raped, could I tell you what you need to pull your two sides back together?

Sin never stops. What God does is put some veterans into spots to help others who have been targeted. (And you are a target. You're not a victim.) Corrie Ten Boom was one of them. Mary Magdalene was one of them. You'll be one of them. Someone has to tell targets how to get the target off, because as long as sin is rampant in the world, people need to know there is life after being so viciously wrong. No accident. Neither are you. Neither is this punishment. If it were punishment, you wouldn't get God is there for you.

 

[atwhatcost]

2.) You say you told God you'd stay a virgin until marriage, however the rape voided that promise. You also voided the promise by being promiscuos AFTER the rape.

Don't. Not this. If you promise God to save $20 a week, but someone steals your wallet that week so you don't have the $20 to save, did you break your promise? No! The thief robbed you. Don't add sin where there isn't any. That rape was more stealing than $20 in a wallet.

I had enough false guilt long enough. I still remember the pastor foolish enough to tell me I did commit adultery when I was raped. Bull! Don't add to what is already there.

 

[passing_through]

God will forgive you freely, but you must ask him and confess it before him in prayer.

8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 1 John 1:8-10

 

[levi85]

The Bibles says seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.

God bless!

 

[TheAppler]

If you can work your way up to it. I advise you to call the police as soon as possible.

I also advise you to perhaps look for some counseling. This is by no means an easy thing to go through and its even more difficult alone. A professional may be able to help rebuild you.

Best of luck here. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders.

 

[hoss2576]

1.) It's time for you to stop getting boyfriends and stay single for awhile. You also need to stop sleeping around with all these guys.

I think she is fully aware of the "stop sleeping around"; I think she would like help to know how to break the pattern.

2.) You say you told God you'd stay a virgin until marriage, however the rape voided that promise.

I am sorry, but that is a blame the victim kind of statement.

3.) Men who cheat, rarely ever stop cheating. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You were right to forgive him, but very foolish to keep talking to him after he raped you. You should have stayed far away from him after that. Cheaters always say their sorry and won't do it again after they're caught cheating.

Why is it that God can do a work in her life, but can't do a work in a cheater's life? I by no means want to stick up for anyone who cheats, but I get tired of this implication always being thrown around.

4.) If you knew it was a mistake to go to his house, knowing something might happen, then why did you still go there? That's like knowingly playing with fire and knowing you'll get burned. Why would you still want to be friends with someone who raped you TWICE?

It is what she knew, and as wrong as some people may think it is, a bad situation you are familiar with is still more comfortable for some people than a situation you are unfamiliar with. Not justifying it, just giving a possible explanation.

5.) Your parents are NOT God, they don't know what's best for you. Only God knows what's best for you.

No one said they were; she was just sharing their opinion. Based on what the OP has shared, I doubt if her parents know all she has been through and would possibly have a different opinion of her need to quickly marry if they did.

6.) Since he has slept with multiple people, and you have as well, you need to get a full test for STD's done. Next time be smart and use protection, if you aren't already. If you had called the cops on him both times that he raped you, the animal would be in jail right now. You may be 30 years old, but you still have alot of growing up and maturing to do. You need to be more responsible for your actions and think first before doing something that could endanger you. I am also a victim of rape so I do understand how you feel, BUT there's no way in he11 that I would have tried to stay friends with my attacker who also happened to be my bf at the time.

Sorry but this entire post sounds more judgmental than helpful.

 

[atwhatcost]

Sorry but this entire post sounds more judgmental than helpful.

I'm also surprised people are calling him a cheater. More accurately, he's a rapist. Kind of like naming Charlie Manson a scar maker, (cutting a swastika on his forehead), when he's more known as a serial murderer.

 

[Ugly]

I'm also surprised people are calling him a cheater. More accurately, he's a rapist. Kind of like naming Charlie Manson a scar maker, (cutting a swastika on his forehead), when he's more known as a serial murderer.

Probably because the OP spoke significantly more on his cheating than his rape, which seemed to be somewhat downplayed.