J
Hi there, I am new to the site. I want to share my story with you. Bear with me please as I want your insight. I was raised in a christian family. I was baptized at 15. I was very serious about my comittment to the Lord until the age of 17 when my first boyfriend raped me; I was still a virgin. I told him that I would remain a virgin until I get married. I didnt tell my family about it because I thought they would blame me for it since they did not approve of the relationship. After that, I became very promiscuous. I could not be without having a boyfriend in my life. They all betrayed me in their own way. So long story short, I just broke up with my last boyfriend last week. I found out he was cheating when he left his facebook open, then I found out he was cheating with multiple women. I confronted him about it, he got upset saying I should not get on his facebook without his permission.
After that, he apologized , promised he would stop; then I forgave him(stupid I know). A month later, I saw him texting one of the women he was cheating with on facebook. He said they are just friends; but I did not believe him. After that, I think a lot about the relationship that I decided to break it up. I realized he is not a christian. Even though I told him I wanted us not to have sex until we are married, he always wanted to have sex, and I gave up trying to reason with him. We had sex whenever he wanted it. It came to a point where I did not feel any guilt anymore when we did it. So, when he got my letter about the break up, he got upset asking to get back together I told him I do not want to be with him anymore.
When he realized it was for good, he gave the same lady he was texting my number to call me to tell me they are together. He told her we were never together and that we were just friends. I told her it s a lie , and she believed me. There was a lot of back and forth between us (him and I) via email cursing me out, threaten to expose me as a fake christian etc..Then I decided to go to his place to talk then to end things well and get my closure. I went to his place, we talked and decided to remain friends. Then he forced himself on me , raped me. He even asked to call the police because he knew I would not do it since I went to his place. I know it was a big mistake to do it.
Now I feel ashamed, guilty because I feel like God is punishing me because I disobeyed him too many times. I would ask him for forgiveness and went and did the same thing over and over. I m not even sure if I will be able to find the right person since I let so many guys take advantage of me. Sometimes I hate myself so much because I made too many mistakes. Now I want to dedicate myself to God, and follow His ways but I m afraid not to fall in the same pattern because it has happened before. What do you think of this? Do you think it s too late for me. I am 30 years old female and most of my friends are married with kids now. I have 4 sisters; they all married their first love. My parents always tell me that I need to be married and have kids because I m getting older. I do not know what to do. I know I am a kind person and very generous. I do not know what is wrong me that I am not able to find someone who will truly love me. As I am getting older, I became more afraid and paranoid. Give me some advice please and it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot for reading my post. May God bless you.
After that, he apologized , promised he would stop; then I forgave him(stupid I know). A month later, I saw him texting one of the women he was cheating with on facebook. He said they are just friends; but I did not believe him. After that, I think a lot about the relationship that I decided to break it up. I realized he is not a christian. Even though I told him I wanted us not to have sex until we are married, he always wanted to have sex, and I gave up trying to reason with him. We had sex whenever he wanted it. It came to a point where I did not feel any guilt anymore when we did it. So, when he got my letter about the break up, he got upset asking to get back together I told him I do not want to be with him anymore.
When he realized it was for good, he gave the same lady he was texting my number to call me to tell me they are together. He told her we were never together and that we were just friends. I told her it s a lie , and she believed me. There was a lot of back and forth between us (him and I) via email cursing me out, threaten to expose me as a fake christian etc..Then I decided to go to his place to talk then to end things well and get my closure. I went to his place, we talked and decided to remain friends. Then he forced himself on me , raped me. He even asked to call the police because he knew I would not do it since I went to his place. I know it was a big mistake to do it.
Now I feel ashamed, guilty because I feel like God is punishing me because I disobeyed him too many times. I would ask him for forgiveness and went and did the same thing over and over. I m not even sure if I will be able to find the right person since I let so many guys take advantage of me. Sometimes I hate myself so much because I made too many mistakes. Now I want to dedicate myself to God, and follow His ways but I m afraid not to fall in the same pattern because it has happened before. What do you think of this? Do you think it s too late for me. I am 30 years old female and most of my friends are married with kids now. I have 4 sisters; they all married their first love. My parents always tell me that I need to be married and have kids because I m getting older. I do not know what to do. I know I am a kind person and very generous. I do not know what is wrong me that I am not able to find someone who will truly love me. As I am getting older, I became more afraid and paranoid. Give me some advice please and it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot for reading my post. May God bless you.