Recently separated, need prayers and insight

[djm18]

Hello,
I have been separated for two weeks now from my wife of 23 years. We have always been able to communicate about everything except our relationship. Whenever she would try to talk to me about what is bothering her, I would just clam up perceiving it as an attack. While I am silently trying to process what she is saying, she thinks I am not listening or that I don't care. From there the rift just gets worse. We both love The Lord and had been trying to keep Him first but even in the midst, Satan has had his way it seems. I am heart broken and need your prayers. Please pray for His reconciling power on our marriage and that I can change the things in me that He desires I beg!

 

[BarlyGurl]

I would suggest you cut and paste your message <above> to a pretty... "i love you card"... add the words... You are important to me, our marriage is important to me, please be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet, I want to keep working at this." and give it to her with some flowers.

When she begins to assail you with "the problems"... Take her hand and kiss it gently, and say "I love you, You think faster than me, I am sorry... I can only chew one small bite at a time.... but I promise I will keep chewing until the entire ELEPHANT has been consumed"

... oh, and get some counseling. I recommend Jimmi Evans... MarriageToday

 

[djm18]

Thank you so much. I think right now I'm in leave her alone mode. I cried and begged and then agreed to leave so now I just pray that her heart may soften and maybe she will start to miss me a little.

 

[Dino246]

This is a hard situation, and I pray that the Lord will give you His peace and comfort in the midst of it. He is in charge, although we may not always like what/how/when He is doing things. Be patient and seek Him consistently. You might consider some focused prayer time and fasting.

From my own experience, I would suggest you ask her this question: what would you like me to address, acknowledge, repent of, or change about myself? Not that you need to own everything she says, but at least you will have her perspective on things, which you can take to the Lord. Deal with any sin or hurtful behaviour and ask her forgiveness. From there, just keep seeking God for His cleansing and correction. Seek also to have a pastor and/or counselor involved who will walk with both of you and see that the separation time is put to good use. Otherwise, it just becomes time apart with no purpose. Time does not heal; only God does.

Blessings,
Dino

 

[ladylynn]

I would suggest you cut and paste your message <above> to a pretty... "i love you card"... add the words... You are important to me, our marriage is important to me, please be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet, I want to keep working at this." and give it to her with some flowers.

When she begins to assail you with "the problems"... Take her hand and kiss it gently, and say "I love you, You think faster than me, I am sorry... I can only chew one small bite at a time.... but I promise I will keep chewing until the entire ELEPHANT has been consumed"

... oh, and get some counseling. I recommend Jimmi Evans... MarriageToday

Good advice with the flowers. Pastor Jimmy Evans and his wife Karen are excellent resources for just this kind of problem the OP is describing. *******

 

[ladylynn]

Hello,
I have been separated for two weeks now from my wife of 23 years. We have always been able to communicate about everything except our relationship. Whenever she would try to talk to me about what is bothering her, I would just clam up perceiving it as an attack. While I am silently trying to process what she is saying, she thinks I am not listening or that I don't care. From there the rift just gets worse. We both love The Lord and had been trying to keep Him first but even in the midst, Satan has had his way it seems. I am heart broken and need your prayers. Please pray for His reconciling power on our marriage and that I can change the things in me that He desires I beg!

Please get counseling because this time in a marriage is a very difficult time after a couple has been married for 20 some years. It seems to be the time no one tells us about. We always thought being married for that long would sort of safe guard us but it is not true. But we found out later Divorce is not the answer and as a matter of fact it is heart breaking. It is not easy and often impossible to begin emotionally again after 2 people have built a life together. Taking time to cool off from the anger and hurt you both feel is important. Because if you both don't do it now., you will do it after the divorce and by then it is too late. Marriage is a covenant (we didn't know that) and covenants are different than contracts.

Find a counselor and work out these issues now. The enemy will really be trying to infiltrate your lives as you are apart. Don't listen to people who encourage you to divorce and begin again. Most often divorce is like a ship wrech and many do not recover aside from an act of God's grace. I wish people could know this without having to go through it. But there are signs in front of you saying "STOP
GO BACK,/ DANGER.,/ HARMFUL,/ DETOUR / CHANGE ROAD / DEAD END ROAD AHEAD / STOP /
GO BACK / DANGER /

Pastor Jimmy Evans and his wife Karen have a very good ministry to married couples and give excellent advice based on God's Word. Very sound Biblical marriage advice. Also on youtube so can be accessed anytime. Actually your post sounds very typical of many couples married 20 or so years and thought there was no hope, but who found answers that saved their marriages through good Christian Biblical counsel.
I hope you and your wife will avoid a divorce. It is something our family has lived to regret and would have done very differently had we known the end result and all the pain we could have avoided.

 

[Dan58]

Whenever she would try to talk to me about what is bothering her, I would just clam up perceiving it as an attack.

I'd try to work on that.. Some women make a lot of accusations when trying to explain what's bothering them and it can be perceived as an attack instead of a complaint. Try to figure out what's making her unhappy by asking questions instead of remaining silent. At least it will appear as though you care, even if your clueless . She's obviously ticked-off about something but isn't being direct enough to get her points across? Communication is key, and her anger is intensified when she doesn't think you care. Women often expect us to get it, but they often over-estimate our intellect and need to be asked to simplify what the problem is. They also complain about one thing when the real problem is related to something completely different, and they expect our mind-reading abilities to detect this, e.g; Your lazy, meaning you won't fix my car. jmo

 

[pwrnJC]

djm....GOD bless you on this endeavor...He knows your heart...and only He knows exactly how this will work out. Of course we are rooting for this to be healed and mended. You old 'romantic', you! Perhaps it's not too late....but..even if she does not respond like YOU think she should...have hope that life is not over and things do heal and soften, especially for those who know the Lord.

 

[djm18]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to pray and encourage. I feel like "forgive thine unbelief Lord". I know He's got this but the spiritual pain in my heart and the physical pain in my gut is so hard to bear! God bless all.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to pray and encourage. I feel like "forgive thine unbelief Lord". I know He's got this but the spiritual pain in my heart and the physical pain in my gut is so hard to bear! God bless all.

I think you are a sensitive fella... I also think your wife as probably run roughshod over you some. It is time to stop that, not meaning "you run ruff to her"... rather time to say "I love you, I will lead, YOU will allow me to because that is God's order and our house will serve GOD". I do encourage <and Pray> you not spend much more time away from your home... because while you are away... the enemy can continue to play!!!!

 

[VioletReigns]

Dear Brother DJM, as much as we'd like to believe we are in control, we are not. We see things on the surface, God sees the deep matters of the heart. It's the Lord's desire to set us free from anything that is keeping us from the joy of fellowship with Him.

None of us on this board know what's going on in the heart of your wife, or even with you. I only recommend that you take this time to break through your fears and seek Jesus as your Strength & Shield. Trust the Lord with your beloved wife and pray for her, for God's will be done in her life. And I would seek a professional Christian counselor for guidance and encouragement.

Faithful Father, our brother's heart is broken and his mind heavy in grief and regrets. You are a Friend of great compassion and You understand his pain. Lord, we ask that our brother find his rest in You, may Your grace envelope him and minister to him that his heart heal in Your unfailing love. Let this brother get free from fear and fill him with confidence and boldness and joy in You, Jesus. Let him trust in Your Holy Spirit's leading, let him hear Your Voice.

We know You have a plan and purpose for brother DJM, Father God. Thank You for our precious brother, Jesus. Praise You for making all things in his life beautiful in Your time. Thank You for hearing and answering all of DJM's prayers and for keeping him and his wife in Your arms of love. You are our Faithful Lord!

 

[Jesus4ever]

Praying for your marriage restoration, brother. May the Lord help you, your wife and your marriage! May He grant you both all His divine light, love, peace and reconciliation!


God bless you both!

 

[djm18]

Thank you so much for this prayer. It renews my hope.

Dear Brother DJM, as much as we'd like to believe we are in control, we are not. We see things on the surface, God sees the deep matters of the heart. It's the Lord's desire to set us free from anything that is keeping us from the joy of fellowship with Him.

None of us on this board know what's going on in the heart of your wife, or even with you. I only recommend that you take this time to break through your fears and seek Jesus as your Strength & Shield. Trust the Lord with your beloved wife and pray for her, for God's will be done in her life. And I would seek a professional Christian counselor for guidance and encouragement.

Faithful Father, our brother's heart is broken and his mind heavy in grief and regrets. You are a Friend of great compassion and You understand his pain. Lord, we ask that our brother find his rest in You, may Your grace envelope him and minister to him that his heart heal in Your unfailing love. Let this brother get free from fear and fill him with confidence and boldness and joy in You, Jesus. Let him trust in Your Holy Spirit's leading, let him hear Your Voice.

We know You have a plan and purpose for brother DJM, Father God. Thank You for our precious brother, Jesus. Praise You for making all things in his life beautiful in Your time. Thank You for hearing and answering all of DJM's prayers and for keeping him and his wife in Your arms of love. You are our Faithful Lord!

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[djm18]

God bless you an thank you.

Praying for your marriage restoration, brother. May the Lord help you, your wife and your marriage! May He grant you both all His divine light, love, peace and reconciliation!


God bless you both!

 

[djm18]

Well,
I just blew it. I went to the house unannounced to try and talk to my wife and son and tell them we need counseling not more separation and they both got very angry and it did not go well. I wish to God I would have left well enough alone. Please pray for us!

 

[Pilkington]

I am praying for you djm18 and your wife. I am asking the Lord to work in both your life and that of your wifes and that the Lord would bring the two of you back together.

Please, please don't beat yourself up about going round to see your wife and son. You did what you believed was right, you are not in control of how your wife and son responded. Although it didn't go well and they got angry maybe it was out of shock and not what they expected you to do. I will pray that your wife despite her initial anger will come round to the idea of going to counselling.

 

[Dan58]

Well,
I just blew it. I went to the house unannounced to try and talk to my wife and son and tell them we need counseling not more separation and they both got very angry and it did not go well. I wish to God I would have left well enough alone. Please pray for us!

.. Yes, telling her that she needs counseling was a bad move. She thinks that your not listening and don't care, so implying that she needs counseling was probably the complete opposite of what she wanted to hear. You wrote; "Whenever she would try to talk to me about what is bothering her, I would just clam up perceiving it as an attack....she thinks I am not listening or that I don't care". When a woman pours her heart out about what's troubling her, clamming up and getting defensive is not the response she's looking for. Try to understand what's bothering her. Don't clam-up, listen and give her direct responses to what ever is bothering her. jmo

 

[BarlyGurl]

Well,
I just blew it. I went to the house unannounced to try and talk to my wife and son and tell them we need counseling not more separation and they both got very angry and it did not go well. I wish to God I would have left well enough alone. Please pray for us!

What a disaster! Look... as a woman... this grieves me DEEPLY that your wife and your son apparently think it is GOOD that you are GONE. Please do not think that I am judging YOU... or them... I am judging the SITUATION. It was previously mentioned to you... that separation was not good.... scripture mentions how this provides a playground for the enemy.

As far as fault finding goes... at this juncture... judging by the circumstances you are stating....

It looks like your wife has for a LONG time been over-ruling you in your home and marriage and it has affected your son in the same manner. djm18, your home/family is completely out of order according to God's precepts... you have a long row to hoe here and I urge you to get the bible based counseling (for yourself) necessary and be strengthened in the lord to take your home/family back from the enemy!


Help this man Lord Jesus... HELP him... Amen

 

[Olerica]

DJM18 - from what I am reading here, it sounds like your wife has tried so long, and so hard for you to understand her and her frustrations. She has perceived that you don't care (you clam up) and then you left.... and then out of the blue you suggested counseling, which is a good thing... but sounds poorly presented and perhaps in her mind a bit too late.

Pray. Like, deep intercessory prayer for your wife, your marriage, your son and your family. Pray that God soften them, and you. Ask your wife if you could have dinner with her (somewhere quiet, with decent food) to talk over what's happening here.

FALL ON YOUR SWORD. Be the man and own that you have messed this up for YEARS by not listening to her and taking time to understand her. Express how you need help to do that and think a qualified Christian counselor could help you understand what's going on, and how to learn to speak and respond to her - and her to you. Tell her you are in for HOWEVER long it takes, and that you will stay and work on this marriage. Commit to fulfilling your vows... better or worse. Tell her you will learn to love her and cherish her.

Know that too? She's probably gonna have to have you listen to her lengthy and angry complaint... expect to hear EVERYTHING you've ever done wrong in her eyes. You are going to have to set aside your pride and HEAR IT. Listen to her. She has been trying for a very long time for you to hear this. Think about what she is saying to you, and respond - don't shut her out. Let her pour out her grief and anger. If you have questions, gently ask.

Don't get defensive (it's going to be tough). This wound needs to be drained in her so that she can soften towards you. Hear what she is saying as though she is not attacking you but is so pained and hurt that you don't seem to care enough about her to have listened in the first place.

It might be hard, but CHOOSE to love her in that moment. The most loving thing you can do is to hear her.

And then explain, again, that you need help to make this work. We don't come with instruction manuals - none of us... and sometimes we need to take classes or get tutored to learn certain things... right? Think of counseling as a class to help you communicate your love and care to your wife. It's just a class to figure out how to make sure she knows you love her, and with God's help will never, ever leave her.

Praying that both of your hearts are softening towards each other.

 

[djm18]

Thank you all so much. I know it is hard to be objective knowing so little about the situation. She told me that when I pulled up she had just been writing in her journal that she was thinking of contacting me to talk. About what I don't know. Maybe about my son's wrath which I experienced first hand while I was there. She had said he was very angry and I see now that was why he hadn't responded to my attempts to contact him the last several days. But she said when she looked up and saw me, her demeanor changed and she spoke the words, what the f is he doing here. Anyway, I crossed their boundaries and now I have pushed them away even further. What an idiot I was! I felt it was the Lord placing upon my heart to tell them I was the spiritual head of the family and that I was so sorry for my mistakes and that we needed Christian individual and group counseling. That I am seeking that on my own but I couldn't force them to. Instead, it was satan sabotaging things even further. It just went from bad to worse and I pray with all my heart I haven't lost all hope. Please, I need your prayers!