WHY DO WOMEN START WITH THE "JUST WANNA BE FIENDS?"

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rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#21
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
79
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#21
It's typically because we know a guy likes us but we also know that we do not like them in that way and probably never will, but we don't want to just straight up say, "So you might as well stop talking to me." We're not that mean.

A friend's son asked if he could chat with me because he wanted to get to know me (this was all over text because he lives states away). I said, "Okay, but just as friends." I was okay with getting to know him but I was not romantically interested. I should have just said no, because I knew he was attracted to me, but it just seemed so harsh. However, as time went on, he would ask questions or steer conversation in such a way where I was 99% sure he thought that eventually someday this would turn into something even though I told him from the very beginning that I didn't want it going that direction. So then, I DID have to "disappear"/cut it off completely. I told him why and I was still kind, basically a "Hey I think you've got the wrong idea about the direction of this so I think it's better if we stop so you don't keep following that idea".

If you go into a friendship with the expectation that you'll start dating them, and you can't handle them not being attracted to you, then you shouldn't be friends with them in the first place, because you'll just end up being frustrated all the time that they "still" don't like you in that way.

For the record, I don't think the friend-zone is real. Granted, yes there are women who intentionally lead men on so that they'll do things for them. But not being attracted to someone or wanting to be only their friend is not a crime and makes it sound like said person is being mean, when in reality they're just being honest.

OR, maybe that girl did like you but since you (general you) never came forward, she assumed that YOU only wanted to be just friends and she's moved on, and then you feel friend-zoned.

Just a few thoughts. Got on a bit of a soap box there but...I'm stickin' to it.


 
melita916

melita916

Senior Member
#22
Aug 12, 2011
10,418
2,660
113
#22
rachelsedge said:


OR, maybe that girl did like you but since you (general you) never came forward, she assumed that YOU only wanted to be just friends and she's moved on, and then you feel friend-zoned.
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true story. girls can get friend-zoned too lol this happens to me all the time.
 
djness

djness

Senior Member
#23
May 16, 2014
502
13
18
#23
p_rehbein said:
Fair is fair. Time to turn this around. Why do women suddenly disappear? They DON'T......... But they DO have their very own special womanly ways of ending a relationship.

So, ladies........time to 'fess up.

And remember, God is listening.
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I friend zone every women right off the bat.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#24
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#24
rachelsedge said:
It's typically because we know a guy likes us but we also know that we do not like them in that way and probably never will, but we don't want to just straight up say, "So you might as well stop talking to me." We're not that mean.

A friend's son asked if he could chat with me because he wanted to get to know me (this was all over text because he lives states away). I said, "Okay, but just as friends." I was okay with getting to know him but I was not romantically interested. I should have just said no, because I knew he was attracted to me, but it just seemed so harsh. However, as time went on, he would ask questions or steer conversation in such a way where I was 99% sure he thought that eventually someday this would turn into something even though I told him from the very beginning that I didn't want it going that direction. So then, I DID have to "disappear"/cut it off completely. I told him why and I was still kind, basically a "Hey I think you've got the wrong idea about the direction of this so I think it's better if we stop so you don't keep following that idea".

If you go into a friendship with the expectation that you'll start dating them, and you can't handle them not being attracted to you, then you shouldn't be friends with them in the first place, because you'll just end up being frustrated all the time that they "still" don't like you in that way.

For the record, I don't think the friend-zone is real. Granted, yes there are women who intentionally lead men on so that they'll do things for them. But not being attracted to someone or wanting to be only their friend is not a crime and makes it sound like said person is being mean, when in reality they're just being honest.

OR, maybe that girl did like you but since you (general you) never came forward, she assumed that YOU only wanted to be just friends and she's moved on, and then you feel friend-zoned.

Just a few thoughts. Got on a bit of a soap box there but...I'm stickin' to it.
Click to expand...
In my experience it's better to be straight up. I was in a relationship for a year where a girl tried convincing herself to have feelings the entire time. Til one day she just had a breakdown and couldn't do it anymore. It's better for women to just be honest. It's better for people in general to be honest. How else can we go about life if people aren't straight with us?
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#25
Aug 13, 2014
24,913
8,167
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#25
When a woman says "Let's just be friends" that's like a workplace saying, "We don't want to hire you, but we want someone exactly like you. And when we do hire someone, we'll call you to complain about the job he's doing."
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#26
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#26
Lynx said:
When a woman says "Let's just be friends" that's like a workplace saying, "We don't want to hire you, but we want someone exactly like you. And when we do hire someone, we'll call you to complain about the job he's doing."
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You just perfectly described my situation.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#27
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
79
48
33
#27
Lynx said:
When a woman says "Let's just be friends" that's like a workplace saying, "We don't want to hire you, but we want someone exactly like you. And when we do hire someone, we'll call you to complain about the job he's doing."
Click to expand...
Or...it's like a work place saying "You're a great employee (friend), but you'd probably be a better fit for another job, where you would actually enjoy working there because the company would appreciate you back (boyfriend)."
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#28
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
79
48
33
#28
jsr1221 said:
In my experience it's better to be straight up. I was in a relationship for a year where a girl tried convincing herself to have feelings the entire time. Til one day she just had a breakdown and couldn't do it anymore. It's better for women to just be honest. It's better for people in general to be honest. How else can we go about life if people aren't straight with us?
Click to expand...
I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or insinuating that I wasn't straight with him? Ha. But to clarify, I was quite blunt with him. I said, "This is just as friends, I don't want to date or even talk in that direction." He said "Okay." But didn't mean it. And I did.
 
wisebeardman

wisebeardman

Banned
#29
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
124
63
Indiana
#29
this is why myself and some others just don't even bother. the "game" is rigged, might as well go to vegas and gamble.. at least the casino is more fair...
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#30
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#30
rachelsedge said:
I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or insinuating that I wasn't straight with him? Ha. But to clarify, I was quite blunt with him. I said, "This is just as friends, I don't want to date or even talk in that direction." He said "Okay." But didn't mean it. And I did.
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The part where you said "I should have said no, but didn't." Reminded me of what happened. It's that quality where people don't want to hurt your feelings. Even though it may be the best thing in the long run.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#31
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,586
113
#31
CatHerder said:
better to be friend-zoned that fiend-zoned.
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I'm definitely going to have to use this sometime: "I'm sorry, I just see you as a fiend."

And then you pull out the restraining order.

Hmm. I wonder how that one will go over... No need to worry about being "nice" and "gentle" there.
 
Desdichado

Desdichado

Senior Member
#32
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
838
113
#32
wisebeardman said:
this is why myself and some others just don't even bother. the "game" is rigged, might as well go to vegas and gamble.. at least the casino is more fair...
Click to expand...
C'mon. If people beat the house as often as people find love, casinos would shut down and the Democrats would be complaining less about "income inequality."

Okay, maybe not the later.

Go ahead, cash in your chips. I'll stay at the table a little longer.
 
C

ChosenJC

Guest
#34
#34
I have given the friend speech to men I genuinely wanted to remain friends with. this has gone over surprisingly well with 2 past relationships. those men call me a couple times a year and i call them in return just to catch up.

i have ended other relationships with a slap to his face or a nasty phone conversation. those i did not want to be friends with. ever again.

honesty for men and women is the best policy in my opinion.
 
R

relientkchick_4

Guest
#35
#35
p_rehbein said:
Very true...........but, not all women are nice and gentle Godly women........Now, those here on CC, we are blessed to have them, but they may have insight into the mind of woman that we do not.

I once posted the 10 Things Men Understand About Women.

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)


That pretty much sums up our understanding of them. :)
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that could be said about what women understand about men :p we sometimes think we know!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#36
#36
p_rehbein said:
Fair is fair. Time to turn this around. Why do women suddenly disappear? They DON'T......... But they DO have their very own special womanly ways of ending a relationship.

So, ladies........time to 'fess up.

And remember, God is listening.
Click to expand...
What i have noticed is that many times women want to stay friends with the majority of people in their life. I've seen women date guys who treated them badly, yet still 'want to be friends' with them after the break up. I think that women hate to break bonds. And typically being more sensitive, believe that they are helping the sting by trying to show that they aren't rejecting you as a total person, but just in one aspect. At times i have had to warn women about staying friends with the wrong type of person.
Granted i could be wrong, but everything i've seen these are the conclusions i've come to.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#37
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#37
jsr1221 said:
The part where you said "I should have said no, but didn't." Reminded me of what happened. It's that quality where people don't want to hurt your feelings. Even though it may be the best thing in the long run.
Click to expand...
It's really tricky though. There's always a chance that he (I'm speaking generally) really did just want to be friends. So it seems presumptuous to tell him "no, we can't even be friends, because I know you are interested in me romantically". What then? Guys don't want to be friend-zoned, but is it better to cut them out of your life entirely on the chance that they might one day expect more? I don't really understand the rules either.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#38
#38
rachelsedge said:
It's typically because we know a guy likes us but we also know that we do not like them in that way and probably never will, but we don't want to just straight up say, "So you might as well stop talking to me." We're not that mean.

A friend's son asked if he could chat with me because he wanted to get to know me (this was all over text because he lives states away). I said, "Okay, but just as friends." I was okay with getting to know him but I was not romantically interested. I should have just said no, because I knew he was attracted to me, but it just seemed so harsh. However, as time went on, he would ask questions or steer conversation in such a way where I was 99% sure he thought that eventually someday this would turn into something even though I told him from the very beginning that I didn't want it going that direction. So then, I DID have to "disappear"/cut it off completely. I told him why and I was still kind, basically a "Hey I think you've got the wrong idea about the direction of this so I think it's better if we stop so you don't keep following that idea".

If you go into a friendship with the expectation that you'll start dating them, and you can't handle them not being attracted to you, then you shouldn't be friends with them in the first place, because you'll just end up being frustrated all the time that they "still" don't like you in that way.

For the record, I don't think the friend-zone is real. Granted, yes there are women who intentionally lead men on so that they'll do things for them. But not being attracted to someone or wanting to be only their friend is not a crime and makes it sound like said person is being mean, when in reality they're just being honest.

OR, maybe that girl did like you but since you (general you) never came forward, she assumed that YOU only wanted to be just friends and she's moved on, and then you feel friend-zoned.

Just a few thoughts. Got on a bit of a soap box there but...I'm stickin' to it.
Click to expand...
True, Rachel. Still, there's still something to be said for being blunt. Blunt is good.
 
M

MadParrotWoman

Guest
#39
#39
Women are complicated for sure - sometimes even I don't understand them LOL. Let's be honest men are simple creatures - what you see is generally what you get. One reason I seem to get on with guys better than I do with a lot of women. Men have zero hope of understanding women lol.
 
Pipp

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
#40
Sep 17, 2013
5,536
2,702
113
Georgia
#40
Cause we just wanna be friends of course.
 
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