WHY DO WOMEN START WITH THE "JUST WANNA BE FIENDS?"

jsr1221 · Feb 17, 2015

I think Rachel pointed out earlier women can tell if men like them. I know that's been my case. If they don't want to be in a relationship, they should just come out and say it. If they want to take things slow and give it a shot, come out and say it. People are so afraid to hurt one's feelings, that more often then not, people's feelings get hurt even worse in the end outcome. I agree wholeheartedly with Tintin. Blunt is best.

ChosenJC · Feb 17, 2015

Grace-Like-Rain said:

i guess that's just it. there are no rules. play it by ear with every relationship. based on what you have determine if friendship is even possible.

i think it's true, women don't want to insult a guy. we know your egos can really take a blow when you're "dumped" so offering friendship is our way of softening the blow. that said if you're a jerk i'll just give it to you strait and not care about your ego.

seoulsearch · Feb 17, 2015

I think it should be kept in mind as well that women are expected, both socially and Biblically, to do things like run households, show hospitality, and raise families.

In other words, women are programmed to maintain good relationships with people. Now of course, there are always exceptions--there is a time when you HAVE to cut someone off and there are times when you have to be blunt and almost mean if someone won't leave you alone.

But all in all, trying to maintain relationships, in all forms, seems to be an expectation for women rather than just cutting them off completely, which I think is sometimes easier for men to do. Women are used to having and maintaining friendships, which is something men may find more difficult to do. It's not that they can't, of course, it's just that women are usually expected to be the glue that holds many bodies of people together, and it's hard to let go of that quality in the other areas of our lives.

I have a close guy friend who has told me many times over the years that my loyalty to people is both one of my best and worst qualities, because it means I hang on in tough times, but I also have had a hard time letting go of people who are unhealthy to be around (in the past few years, I've gotten much better at that and just cut ties.)

Tintin · Feb 17, 2015

ChosenJC said:

Of course being rejected hurts. I know, I've been rejected many times. But being blunt takes care of any confusion and possible mind-games. Offering friendship on the other hand is not caring, it seems insincere and patronising. I would much rather be told, "I'm sorry, Christian. I'm just not attracted to you." It's so much better. So much.

Susanna · Feb 17, 2015

I've been using that phrase myself, and me, I was using it because I was so afraid that otherwise I would hurt somebodys feelings. Whenever saying "just wanna be friends" I believed (turns out I was dead wrong though) nobody would get hurt.

I guess one can say it is a cowardly act, and in retrospect, I can see that I might should have done things a little differently, because it sounds confusing whenever I'm saying it out loud to myself

, and that a lot of grieve would have been avoided if I just had had the guts to come clean and not been playing out that girly sugar coating stuff

...man...I should have added this to the nice stuff about the opposite gender thread...LOL.

JustAnotherUser · Feb 17, 2015

Are you suggesting that women start with the 'wanting to be friends' or end it that way?

I'd say if she just wants to be your friend, well... You got friend-zoned.

-runs-

Tinkerbell725 · Feb 17, 2015

I avoid giving false hope so i dont want to be friends with the guy i'm not attracted to. He deserves to find someone who will like him back...i dont want him to be stucked with me expecting for something i cannot give...

Ugly · Feb 17, 2015

ChosenJC said:

But it doesn't soften the blow at all. Think from a mans perspective... "I don't like you enough to date you, but i pity you enough that i want to pretend to still be your friend'. Best thing you can do is end it and skip the friendship. Sometimes it may work out that you stay friends, and that's fine. But offering friendship, more often than not, is worse than just saying good bye.

secularhermit · Feb 17, 2015

Building some sort of fellowship, if found a communion of ideas, will lead to leave or to another form of friendship. There´s no need to verbally offer it, it comes tagged along (or to be gone).

secularhermit · Feb 17, 2015

Tinkerbell725 said:

Oh, no! (sigh)

I lost those hopes I had.

gypsygirl · Feb 17, 2015

Ugly said:

i think there is something to that.

while i can't say i've wanted to genuinely remain "friends" in every situation, i have a friendly relationship with all but one of the guys i've seriously dated.

once you've spent a lot of effort to get to know someone and at least cultivate a fondness/affection for, that friend bond still exists. that said, i've never really been betrayed or wounded in these situations, so i don't really have a reason to have ill will--just a desire to not pursue something further.

gypsygirl · Feb 17, 2015

Grace-Like-Rain said:

rachelsedge said:

actually, this reminds me a lot of a situation i've been in that feels really awkward--when a guy whom you're not interested in is paying you a lot of attention, but you're really not certain why that is. he is clearly making great effort to be a friend, and instigates most, if not all contact. however, it could just be that he appreciates my friendship.

say that there are many indicators that appear as though he has genuine romantic interest in you. however, UNTIL he actually says something or you have something concrete, you really can't say anything because it would be a ridiculous presumption of his intention.

but then, everything in me wants/tends to assume it's only a friendship interest. that's what i'm inclined to think, in general. i almost never assume anything more than friendship.

but on the other hand, he's paying enough attention to me that it sort of seems that there is interest in more that friendship. i don't know what other women do, but i just go with the friendship thing--i always figured that was the best policy, and would require him to speak up, or be content with the situation. : )

kenthomas27 · Feb 17, 2015

Grace-Like-Rain said:

Yeah, this question here is kinda like what I would like to know. So if the girl that you might have been attracted to wants to be "just friends' then can you do that? or is it a bad idea?

wwjd_kilden · Feb 17, 2015

can't speak for all of them, but I have had guys who wanted to me more than friends who refused to take a hint (actually, make that many hints). So sometimes that is why one has to say "hey, I only want to be friends, got it?"

I don't know why it is done to end an existing relationship though, maybe they want to sound less mean?

gypsygirl · Feb 17, 2015

kenthomas27 said:

i personally think it depends upon what you can live with.

if you really like her, being her friend is probably the best way for her to actually find you attractive and see you as a potential romantic interest, because she is getting to know you better without being forced to decide either way. it's non-threatening.

for a lot of women, ambiguity in relationship isn't a bad thing. in the past, i would have a guy friend or two that i would view as a big "maybe". i thought they were interesting, but didn't have enough info. time and exposure would kind of rule them in our out as a definite possibility, at least in my mind.

however, if the guy can't live with the risk that she may never see you as more than a friend, maybe it's a bad idea.

but as it's been said already many times--for women being friend-zoned is VERY different than when a guy friend-zones a woman.

in my experience, women date out of their friend-zone. guys, not so much--not unless they're extremely bored or feeling kind of lonely. : )

thecreationtutor · Feb 17, 2015

jsr1221 said:

Yes blunt is best, it makes a clear line, also in being asked out a simple no is an ok answer, not we will see, or just avoidance, or I have been busy

p_rehbein · Feb 17, 2015

relientkchick_4 said:

Nah..........you guys got some sort of "secret handbook" that details everything about us (men). One day I'm gonna find one..... and THEN the SECRET will be out! Just wait..........

secularhermit · Feb 17, 2015

wwjd_kilden said:

I had a Colombian friend who several times tried to discourage a person... She told him, more than a dozen times "I don´t like you" and, after some time, they both engaged and endured years living together...

Perhaps, I´m not sure, some people my country like to go against the traffic lights.

WolfGaming · Feb 17, 2015

Wow thank you for the advice I have a wonderful gift from GOD and she is just amazing I will keep this advice in mind.

1still_waters · Feb 17, 2015

This seems an issue of Lingo vs Literalism.

Let's be friends is female lingo for...I'm not interested.
Almost every living breathing male over the age of 15 knows this.

Even though it's lingo, we know what it literally means.

Since we KNOW what it literally means, I see no need to put pressure on women to be blunt and literal and say something along the lines of...Listen I don't like you, you make my stomach churn worse than two month old pizza.

Let the women folk use their lingo. It's their way of being nice. We can't feign like we have no idea what they mean. We know what they mean. Plus if they were blunt, then we'd have posts about how women don't care about a man's feelings.

WHY DO WOMEN START WITH THE "JUST WANNA BE FIENDS?"

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