Hello Everyone,
Lately, I've seen a lot of discussion in the forums and in chat about whom Christians should date, and it seems that the "good Christian answer" is that Christians should always date other Christians and that it should be a no-brainer... with a reference to the passage that says we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
However, is it just me, or have you any of you had some extreme frustrations in dating other Christians? Whether it be doctrinal disagreements, maturity differences, etc.--what are your experiences and what advice do you have?
I, myself, am trying to adhere to a personal guideline of only dating Christians, but here are a few of my own frustrations with the guys I have met:
1. The guy who, when I was having struggles or problems, would withdraw for a few weeks, fasting and praying over what I'd told him (which was great!), but then would proceed to "give me a word" that he expected me to follow and obey without question. When I told him, "Well, I don't really think that applies to what I'm going through right now..." he said, "Well Kim, if you can't accept a Word from God, then I truly feel sorry for you," while naturally having several passages to quote in order to back his stance. (Of course, what I wanted to ask next was, "Who made YOU God?" but, I was good and restrained myself.)
2. Guys who are Christians (and/or were raised as Christians) but have had (or are still having) strong issues with addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol) but have an attitude of either, "God's forgiven (or will forgive) me," or, on the opposite end, "I'm such a failure" (in a self-pitying way) but in both cases, they expect you to put up with their repeated, deliberately terrible choices because they have yet to change. (Or, they've supposedly changed... but think you shouldn't mind that they've had a history of say, sleeping with 25 other people (not an exaggeration--in some cases, the numbers have been higher)... doing hard drugs... etc. when that's not how you've chosen to live your life... NOT that I haven't made my own mistakes, but they expect me to be perfectly comfortable with their pasts and forgive all.) First of all, they didn't do these things against me so I don't feel they need my forgiveness (if they didn't sin against me, it doesn't seem like they should think I owe them some sort of forgiveness, do you think?) but does that mean I have to marry someone with that history if I don't have that history myself?
3. A guy friend who has only been a Christian for about 3 years and is the nicest guy, but very unsure of himself in his relationship with God--he's always calling me and asking, "Do you think it's ok if I do this [watch such-and-such movie] or do that [buy such-and-such product], or would God disapprove?"
I also had a good guy friend who started going to my church because he thought it would help his chances in trying to date me--we never did date but he became a Christian and has been very actively involved in the church ever since.
I don't want to think that I'd try to wait for a "good" unbeliever to be saved so that I could date him... but I do have to say, I'm frustrated with dating other Christians!! I guess all I can do is wait it out for a "compatible" Christian who's in a similar place in their walk with God?
What about you? (And I'm NOT trying to pick on the guys here--I know we women can be just as frustrating.)
Interesting post, Seoul, but I suppose that's a redundant statement (as most of your threads tend to be interesting).
Well, here's the thing... I've dated both. I liked and disliked things about both...and in all honesty, in the long run, I need a strong Christian woman to help me grow into the potential (i think) of who God made me to be. Do I deserve or could I make happy such a person as this, however...Hmm...that's harder to answer, and at first thought would be no.
(Not that I somehow think people are ranked higher or lower than others, but it's more of a purity, ability, and influence type issue... I wouldn't want to corrupt someone who was pure, or settle for an easier and pleasurable but less Godly life...so that as a whole side issue or two to this one people should probably wrestle with...
Anyway, I think you're frustrations are valid (not that you need my or anyone else's validation), but I do have a comment to make about #2. I hear where you're coming from, and it's your decision to make. I will ask, though, is there such thing as a sinless person (even those living in/with/for Christ)? That on mind, I will say, it's going to be very hard (and I feel increasingly so in the years to come) to find someone who's never done anything wrong (in the sense of never having an addiction, or never having been promiscuous, or never being interested in worldly things). The world is pumping out its same old self-indulgent messages more ferociously than it seems to have before, and I think the majority of us are buying in.
Not trying to be pessimistic or cynical or that person who just says 'I'm a realist'... It just seems to be what I see and hear and experience. We try to determine what reality is by what we sense and understand...
Anyway...now for my part of this...though I'll scroll down after posting in hopes this isn't a man bashing thread...
Well, if we're talking frustrations, then:
1. "It's God's Will." Oh, really? Is that so? Well, let me ask Him and see what I hear. "NO! Why are you not hearing what I'm hearing! I know this is God's Will for us to be together!"
Look. God doesn't just speak to one person. Your pastor is not some divine messenger of angels... He/She is just trying to do what called has called him/her to. In the same way, He calls us all. He speaks to us all. If we're both serious about getting God's approval (and I am, believe me...made those mistakes already...)...then we both need to hear. Why is patience so hard for most of us? Is this really is a good thing that God wants, wouldn't it be worth enjoying in each phase and waiting for? Anyway...
2. "We're both Christian." That can be about as specific as saying, "We're both Human." or "We're both US citizens." That doesn't mean anything except some basic general understandings. You believe in Jesus as God... really, that's about the only sure thing that comes from that statement...and even then...things can get a little iffy. No, I need to know more than "I'm a Christian." A better question in that regard might be, "Who is Jesus to you?" or "What/Who do you believe God is or is like? What do you think God wants for/from you?" Those answers could tell me a whole lot more about someone than, "Are you a Christian?" ...but I digress.
3. In correlation to 1 & 2, if we're both "Christian"...then why do we never read scripture together, or worship together, or pray together? We may tell each other our dark secrets, but do we help and hold each other accountable for them? Are we really being ourselves (like we are before God), or are we putting on a 'Christian Show' for each other? I need reality.
4. I'm sorry ladies, and even sorry to any I may have dated or talked to who could possibly see this and may be offended by it, but here's the 'reality' I expressed some need for in #4. I've dated both Christians and Non-Christians, and here's the sad thing... The secular women were are lot more understanding. They could love and accept my light and dark. They weren't uncomfortable with prayer or ministry, and they just genuinely loved and wanted to be with me for no other reason than me. We like each other. We spend time together and became friends. We grew to love each other and started dating. I mean, why does it seem so hard us a Christians to simply love and accept people? Even more the crucial role of a significant other... but I digress again...
and finally 5. Playing off of #4. "Good enough." They don't use these words, but here's the impression I get from a lot of Christian women. They either want a saint or a sinner. Most of us are neither the Bad *blank* muscle hero who's sensual, dangerous, and the alpha male...nor are we the shinning example of Christian perfection. We're just ordinary people. We're all different, and many (if not most) of us have major faults. We can change. We can grow. We can become better, and perhaps even perfect one day... but all those people you highly esteem...they weren't born that way, and they didn't make it there quickly. They were quick old and had a lot of mistakes before becoming the faith heroes. So, I get the impression that I'm just simply not good enough (or bad enough in the weird, ironic twist side of it).
So what's my conclusion after all these frustrations? Forget it. Not in some negative "giving up" way, but more in a..."Why do I care or bother trying to adhere to something which only sets me up for failure or disappointment?"
The way I see it is...I'm just going to be me. I'm going to try, with God's help, to be a better version of me, and hopefully come to love and be happy/content in who I am. I don't need to impress anyone, and if I can find some special girl out there somewhere who can really just love me for me (and is a Christian/God's gives me the thumbs up about), I'll love her with everything I have and everything I am.
Until such a time, though... I'm not holding my breath or fretting over it. Is it lonely sometimes? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. ...but there's also some pretty wonderful peace and freedom that comes from "learning/striving to be content in all circumstances". So that's where I am... ^^
(Oh, and after going back and looking at some other responses...I don't smoke, feel the need to drink, or expect/want premarital sex... ^_~ Lol! Sorry, couldn't resist...)
