Inappropriate Guilt

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DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#1
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#1
Let me first say if this thread is posted in the wrong forum, please let me know, or Mods, please move it yourself.

Tonight while walking into a pizza place I was stopped by a man who asked me for some change. I lied. I said I had no change to give him and walked inside. After paying for the pizza (with a debit card) I felt bad for not helping him out. I looked for him when I walked out, but he had already ridden away on his bike.

I often feel an odd sense of guilt when I think I did something "wrong". Wrong meaning something from not giving someone money or saying something I shouldn't have or not being perfect. I know that perfection is a red herring and it creates more problems than it solves, but I was raised in a very you-should-be-perfect household. Because if you're perfect, no one can hate you, no one can tell you you're not good enough, and you won't ever need someone.

Perhaps this is too much information. Perhaps I shouldn't have bothered. By all means, let me know. However, I was just wondering if anyone else out there had inappropriate guilt.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#2
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#2
This reminds me of something that happened to me. It was a scorching hot summer day and I was pulling into this Wendy's to buy lunch at the drive-thru (same place I almost always bought lunch at) and there was this homeless old man who looked like Jesus hanging on the cross because he had this pole across his back with his arms outstretched which he used to dangle these bags filled with stuff, his palms steadying the pole as he slowly walked. He was very dirty, looked exhausted and hot and he had this long scraggly beard and long scraggly hair. I think my heart actually skipped a beat when I saw him because he looked so much like Christ and I was still a very new christian at the time.

Anyway, I wanted badly to help this man out but I only had large bills on me and so I decided that since I would break a large bill when I paid at the drive-thru that I would help him out as soon as I was done paying. Well, I kid you not I was the only car in the drive thru and it only took me about 2 minutes to get my food and pay and I came around to the side of the restaurant where he was walking and there was absolutely no sign of him. I drove around again slowly, looking into the windows and I could clearly see that he was not inside either and there was literally nowhere that he could have disappeared to in such a short space of time. The Wendys was in front of a large main road and is bordered by a freeway on one side and a large parking lot on the other sides. The only explanation I can think of is that he managed to get all his stuff he was carrying on his pole inside the store and he was in the rest room. I guess that makes sense, but I like to think maybe he was not of this world. The scripture says that we should always show love to strangers because some of us may be entertaining angels and now know it.

Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! - (Hebrews 13:2)

I felt very guilty and sorry that I could not help that man and I thought about whether he may have been an angel in diguised as a test for me as a new christian. I prayed to the Lord to forgive me for being so fickle with my money and I also prayed for that man. If we can't help someone or miss the opportunity to do so, we can always still help them through prayer.

I never did see that man again even though I used to eat there almost everyday because it was close to my work.
 
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toastface_grillah

toastface_grillah

Banned
#3
Dec 17, 2012
135
2
0
43
#3
Oy vey. I've felt guilty about this very thing for years because "Give to him who asks" doesn't really work when you're getting asked for money all the time and have a very limited income. Very occasionally I'll give, but I'll usually try to ride out the guilt.
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#4
#4
I get that guilt everytime I don't help a homeless person. I know we are not supposed to give our money to every stranger that asks...but I don't like the sensation of not being able to help :/. I think helping with food or clothes is a better way to help, that way you make sure the person isn't lying and uses the money for drugs or alcohol.
 
R

Relena7

Guest
#5
#5
DuchessAimee said:
Let me first say if this thread is posted in the wrong forum, please let me know, or Mods, please move it yourself.

Tonight while walking into a pizza place I was stopped by a man who asked me for some change. I lied. I said I had no change to give him and walked inside. After paying for the pizza (with a debit card) I felt bad for not helping him out. I looked for him when I walked out, but he had already ridden away on his bike.

I often feel an odd sense of guilt when I think I did something "wrong". Wrong meaning something from not giving someone money or saying something I shouldn't have or not being perfect. I know that perfection is a red herring and it creates more problems than it solves, but I was raised in a very you-should-be-perfect household. Because if you're perfect, no one can hate you, no one can tell you you're not good enough, and you won't ever need someone.

Perhaps this is too much information. Perhaps I shouldn't have bothered. By all means, let me know. However, I was just wondering if anyone else out there had inappropriate guilt.
Click to expand...
I live with guilt all the time. Most of it is self-imposed.
 
A

arwen83

Guest
#6
#6
I had an experience of this guilt this past summer, that brang me to tears with confliction. One Sunday night around midnight, I was walking home from a bus stop which is about a 20 minute walk from campus. My cell phone was broken at the time, but would pretend to be talking on my phone if ever I am walking late at night. (its kind of funny trying to come up with conversations with yourself haha) For some reason it makes me feel secure.

There was this fellow that was sitting in a bus shelter, he had baggy jeans and a dark long t-shirt and one of those gangster looking baseball caps, he asked if he could use my cell phone. Well I technically wasn't using it, but I kind of played it off and kept walking. 5 minutes later, tears are running down my cheeks as that "to the lease of these...I asked and you did not give" verse was running through my mind. And I am talking to God. If that guy had intentions of hurting me, no one would have been around to help, and the reality of the situation (and my past experience) is that God doesn't always intervene.

So I saw it this way: I cannot trust that guy won't hurt me, I cannot trust that God will protect me from any harm, the only person I can trust is myself and my decision. But yet I wondered, should I have helped him out anyway? Regardless of putting myself in potential danger? Is that something that I am called to do? And I really don't know.
 
L

libertygirl

Guest
#7
#7
arwen83 said:
I had an experience of this guilt this past summer, that brang me to tears with confliction. One Sunday night around midnight, I was walking home from a bus stop which is about a 20 minute walk from campus. My cell phone was broken at the time, but would pretend to be talking on my phone if ever I am walking late at night. (its kind of funny trying to come up with conversations with yourself haha) For some reason it makes me feel secure.

There was this fellow that was sitting in a bus shelter, he had baggy jeans and a dark long t-shirt and one of those gangster looking baseball caps, he asked if he could use my cell phone. Well I technically wasn't using it, but I kind of played it off and kept walking. 5 minutes later, tears are running down my cheeks as that "to the lease of these...I asked and you did not give" verse was running through my mind. And I am talking to God. If that guy had intentions of hurting me, no one would have been around to help, and the reality of the situation (and my past experience) is that God doesn't always intervene.

So I saw it this way: I cannot trust that guy won't hurt me, I cannot trust that God will protect me from any harm, the only person I can trust is myself and my decision. But yet I wondered, should I have helped him out anyway? Regardless of putting myself in potential danger? Is that something that I am called to do? And I really don't know.
Click to expand...

Oh no. Those types of situations can be dangerous. I would have moved far away from him and asked God to provide for the man through someone else. It's okay to exercise caution. Don't feel bad. :)
 
A

arwen83

Guest
#8
#8
arwen83 said:
I had an experience of this guilt this past summer, that brang me to tears with confliction. One Sunday night around midnight, I was walking home from a bus stop which is about a 20 minute walk from campus. My cell phone was broken at the time, but would pretend to be talking on my phone if ever I am walking late at night. (its kind of funny trying to come up with conversations with yourself haha) For some reason it makes me feel secure.

There was this fellow that was sitting in a bus shelter, he had baggy jeans and a dark long t-shirt and one of those gangster looking baseball caps, he asked if he could use my cell phone. Well I technically wasn't using it, but I kind of played it off and kept walking. 5 minutes later, tears are running down my cheeks as that "to the lease of these...I asked and you did not give" verse was running through my mind. And I am talking to God. If that guy had intentions of hurting me, no one would have been around to help, and the reality of the situation (and my past experience) is that God doesn't always intervene.

So I saw it this way: I cannot trust that guy won't hurt me, I cannot trust that God will protect me from any harm, the only person I can trust is myself and my decision. But yet I wondered, should I have helped him out anyway? Regardless of putting myself in potential danger? Is that something that I am called to do? And I really don't know.
Click to expand...
Just as an add because I think some people will be wondering: obviously I realized that I couldn't let him use my cell phone cus was broken. And my whole plan of pretending to be on it fell through, cus I would have to explain to him that it doesn't actually work. And that I am pretending to be talking to someone, because I am a girl walking home at midnight on a sunday when the streets are dead and it makes me feel secure. And that's an awkward convo. What I am getting at: I did have quarters with me that I could have gave him to use a payphone.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#9
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#9
I think you did the right thing. There was a young woman who was student president at a prestigious christian college here in the states who was walking across campus one night a few years ago and was kidnapped by two guys who killed her after forcing her into her car and taking her to an ATM.
 
Ritter

Ritter

Banned
#10
Jul 25, 2005
2,417
34
0
#10
Yeah, the Bible asks us to take care of the needy. The seedy are on their own.
 
Searching4Truth

Searching4Truth

Senior Member
#11
Jul 25, 2012
1,904
24
0
#11
I hate those situations. But a trigger goes off inside my chest the moment they raise their hand and asks: Can you spare some change?

Regardless of my safety or financial situation, I try to do unto them as I'd like to be done unto me. I was taught not to love the material things of the world, and Christ made it clear to give unto Caesar what is Caesar's. Frankly, Jesus says a lot of things that make me cringe, but only proves how much of the world I am.

Do you know what it's like to have a fellow child of God bow to YOU just for some change? It ain't right.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#12
#12
I can totally understand that Arwen...my guard goes way up if I'm approached by someone who looks like they could easily overpower me.

I think a lot of women find themselves victims of situations because there are those that will totally prey on that guilt/nurturing side.

I just try to trust my judgement and instincts.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#13
May 23, 2009
14,944
4,589
113
#13
Oh my goodness, I could write pages about this topic but will try to refrain. I will just mention the times when:

1. A young guy approached my car asking for money... and I didn't feel right about it. Turns out, he was someone I used to work with... and was found dead of an overdose a few months later.

2. I was meeting with a church group when some vagabonds passed through and asked for money. Again, I didn't feel right about it even though I had $20. I wound up giving the money to our group leaders instead, as they were going through their own challenges.

3. This sounds terrible but my dad had a business and it started to seem like ANY TIME someone in the church had a need or ministry wish, they came to my parents. I've done some work with prison inmates... and after a while, I couldn't tell the difference between the people from the church and the inmates as far as always having their hands out. (Actually, there was a difference--one inmate I wrote gave all the money back and said, "I don't want your money, I want for us to be friends." I can't say that about a single church member who has approached my family for money over the years. They never even offered to pay it back.)

I feel it's very important to use discernment--WE ARE NOT CALLED TO EVERYONE. And in some cases, we become enablers, which can also be sin in another form. For my own personal beliefs, I've asked God to lead me to people who DON'T ask or expect anything... and those are the ones I choose to give to. Sometimes God does kick me in the butt to give here and there but for the most part, He seems to let me have a clean conscience in choosing whom I give to, as long as I keep on giving.
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#14
#14
Well, the question is did you feel guilty for lying or for not giving him money? Certainly lying is wrong in any circumstance. I know these are hard situations, but I've had to find my way around lying about the change in my pocket because I didn't want to lie to them. I just never carry cash. Now I The Lord prompted me to give someone money I could go the nearest 7-11 and pull out cash, or I could take them to the nearest McDonald's and buy them food. But I can honestly say I never had cash.
One day I'm going to do this perhaps you can join me. In those situations I'm reminded of the story in acts when Peter replies "silver and gold have I none but rise and walk". One day I'm going to say "sorry I don't have money, but can I pray for you?"
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#15
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#15
yeah i kind of have a thing about giving change or cash to fund someone else's drinking habit. Maybe they aren't all using it for drugs or alcohol but a few bad apples spoil the bunch
 
J

Jordache

Guest
#16
#16
I understand not wanting to support a persons bad habit, but I wonder what Jesus would do. Is it really our place to judge? Honestly, I don't think we're all that accurate with our judgements sometimes. Perhaps he is a drunk but he really does just want a burger. Perhaps he's just been on the street so long that he only looks like a drunk.
Are we offering them only money? Or are we offering them Jesus in the form of a buck and an encouraging word?
 
Ritter

Ritter

Banned
#17
Jul 25, 2005
2,417
34
0
#17
If we are going to follow Christ's example, then we would be better off meeting people's needs than wantonly handing out $. It requires more work and creativity, but to me its worth it. Support a reputable local relief center and inform a person who asks of where it is. Before you walk around somewhere, research local charities and point them in that direction.

Don't be afraid to be honest about the person with why you are not giving them the money either.
 
PopClick

PopClick

Senior Member
#18
Aug 12, 2011
4,056
137
63
#18
DuchessAimee said:
I lied. I said I had no change to give him and walked inside.
Click to expand...
I may get some disagreement here, but I'm not sure that you did lie. You didn't have any change... to give him.

To be honest, I think the best thing to do if someone asks you for change is to pray for wisdom about what to do really quick. Every case is different. Sometimes, it might be a great opportunity to share Jesus with them. And sometimes, (like in Arwen's case), it might be best to walk on by.


arwen83 said:
I had an experience of this guilt this past summer, that brang me to tears with confliction. One Sunday night around midnight, I was walking home from a bus stop which is about a 20 minute walk from campus. My cell phone was broken at the time, but would pretend to be talking on my phone if ever I am walking late at night. (its kind of funny trying to come up with conversations with yourself haha) For some reason it makes me feel secure.

There was this fellow that was sitting in a bus shelter, he had baggy jeans and a dark long t-shirt and one of those gangster looking baseball caps, he asked if he could use my cell phone. Well I technically wasn't using it, but I kind of played it off and kept walking. 5 minutes later, tears are running down my cheeks as that "to the lease of these...I asked and you did not give" verse was running through my mind. And I am talking to God. If that guy had intentions of hurting me, no one would have been around to help, and the reality of the situation (and my past experience) is that God doesn't always intervene.

So I saw it this way: I cannot trust that guy won't hurt me, I cannot trust that God will protect me from any harm, the only person I can trust is myself and my decision. But yet I wondered, should I have helped him out anyway? Regardless of putting myself in potential danger? Is that something that I am called to do? And I really don't know.
Click to expand...
I totally think you did the right thing. What was he really asking you to do? End your phone conversation, hand him the thing that was (as far as he knew) your safety and connection to anyone who could help you, and then stand there with him while he talked on your phone for who knows how long. I honestly think that a guy who was behaving properly wouldn't have asked a young lady who was alone. My $0.02.
 
Ritter

Ritter

Banned
#19
Jul 25, 2005
2,417
34
0
#19
PopClick said:
I totally think you did the right thing. What was he really asking you to do? End your phone conversation, hand him the thing that was (as far as he knew) your safety and connection to anyone who could help you, and then stand there with him while he talked on your phone for who knows how long. I honestly think that a guy who was behaving properly wouldn't have asked a young lady who was alone. My $0.02.
Click to expand...
Another suggestion:

Buy mace.
 
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