Just being honest - it's easy to get bitter, being single, on e-harmony
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i'm not sorry you started this thread. it sounds like you've been really discouraged, and that's unfortunate.
well, i really hope this can serve as an opportunity for good in your life--maybe to stop and re-evaluate. and i really wish you the very best. there is definitely more to life than finding a wife or being married. my life is proof of that. well, not about the wife finding... ; p
oh, and to your earlier reply about confidence, i am sorry you feel that it's driven strictly from a desire for sex. i don't think that's the case, not with confidence and security in who we are. a starting point is your truth and security that you have in Christ--someone who knows where they are going and what they want. who they want to be, and importantly, someone who feels that he deserves to be loved, and to pursue what he wants.
being healthy and confident isn't so much about "perfection" as you said, but being on a path in the right direction. in some cases it's not so much about where they are in the journey, as much as that they are on a good path with a solid trajectory. that is reasonable and attainable. : )
well, i really hope this can serve as an opportunity for good in your life--maybe to stop and re-evaluate. and i really wish you the very best. there is definitely more to life than finding a wife or being married. my life is proof of that. well, not about the wife finding... ; p
oh, and to your earlier reply about confidence, i am sorry you feel that it's driven strictly from a desire for sex. i don't think that's the case, not with confidence and security in who we are. a starting point is your truth and security that you have in Christ--someone who knows where they are going and what they want. who they want to be, and importantly, someone who feels that he deserves to be loved, and to pursue what he wants.
being healthy and confident isn't so much about "perfection" as you said, but being on a path in the right direction. in some cases it's not so much about where they are in the journey, as much as that they are on a good path with a solid trajectory. that is reasonable and attainable. : )
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Brother, I'm in similar shoes to yours and have had thoughts and feelings very similar to yours in the past. I think Satan is always trying to bring us down with bitter thoughts of what we don't have. I think especially when you are single it is very easy to get into a chronic mindset of feeling as though you're lacking. And then it's easy to blame yourself for that and become really depressed about it.
I was a bigger kid growing up once I got past age 5 or so, and looking back it seems like I heard the message from everywhere in my life that there was something wrong with me because of it, or that I was somehow a second rate human being. Kids at church called me jelly belly, kids at school (and one bully in particular) made fun of me--even my grandparents, who completely meant well and prayed over their entire family almost every day, would pray in front of me that members of my immediate family would lose weight. And, of course, anytime you're a big brother with two little sisters, big brother is gross (they still say things to that effect sometimes). I internalized all of this and without really saying it out loud, I came to the conclusion deep down that I'm a second rate human being because I'm not skinny. I have always thought that when people look at me, that's what they see, so there's no chance that a woman would ever love me. How could any woman want me when there are so many better, skinny options out there?
I still get emotional typing this out because these are such deeply rooted lies that I've believed for so long. I went through a period in college where I lost a bunch of weight and was living a pretty healthy lifestyle, but those beliefs still existed. I look back at pictures from college and realize that I looked totally fine, but I didn't feel that way at all at the time. And after I graduated college, you could say that all of those lies became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Since I mainly saw myself as this unattractive, overweight guy, my habits and attitude began to reflect that and I gained a lot of weight. I'm now in a recovery process, you could say, trying to develop healthy habits.
Looking back on those pictures of myself in college and thinking about how poorly I felt about myself even then caused me to realize that something is wrong with the way I see myself and that I am always going to believe those things about myself no matter what my weight is unless something changes. Through a close-knit Bible study I've been a part of for the past year I've had the opportunity to expose some of these lies and begin to combat them with truth.
The reality is that I am not a second rate human being because of my size, physical shape or ability, self-control, or anything else, and you aren't either. You are a valuable, important, and loved human being with impassable worth because you were created by God and fought for by God even unto death. We don't have to chase after acceptance from anyone because we already have it in the most perfect way in God. You could ask 1,000 women about their opinions on your physical appearance or mine, and you're going to get opinions across the board, and some of them could feel differently in a year or even a week. Human opinion is fleeting and often selfish, but God's opinion is inherently loving and selfless, and most importantly, it's the truth. No one can tell you that you aren't worth cherishing because God has already told you that you are. Before you try to do anything else, you have to believe and internalize this. Everyone has something they dislike about themselves, but God loves all of it. His image is in you. With that foundation, you can escape those feelings of lacking. You can stop feeling like you need a marriage to complete you and affirm that you really are worth loving because you are already complete in who God has created you to be and you are already deeply and powerfully loved. You can feel free to live a life of joy and health to His glory and not to try to impress somebody else. And if God would bring a woman into your life, you would be free to love her as a girlfriend/wife rather than as a god.
Now I can't say that I'm there yet. The lies are still there and still try to bring me down, but that freedom, that health, that closeness with God, and that joy are things that I'm pursuing, and I would encourage you to do the same, brother. You will probably fall down at times as I have, but commit now to getting back up again and pressing on. You won't regret it.
I was a bigger kid growing up once I got past age 5 or so, and looking back it seems like I heard the message from everywhere in my life that there was something wrong with me because of it, or that I was somehow a second rate human being. Kids at church called me jelly belly, kids at school (and one bully in particular) made fun of me--even my grandparents, who completely meant well and prayed over their entire family almost every day, would pray in front of me that members of my immediate family would lose weight. And, of course, anytime you're a big brother with two little sisters, big brother is gross (they still say things to that effect sometimes). I internalized all of this and without really saying it out loud, I came to the conclusion deep down that I'm a second rate human being because I'm not skinny. I have always thought that when people look at me, that's what they see, so there's no chance that a woman would ever love me. How could any woman want me when there are so many better, skinny options out there?
I still get emotional typing this out because these are such deeply rooted lies that I've believed for so long. I went through a period in college where I lost a bunch of weight and was living a pretty healthy lifestyle, but those beliefs still existed. I look back at pictures from college and realize that I looked totally fine, but I didn't feel that way at all at the time. And after I graduated college, you could say that all of those lies became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Since I mainly saw myself as this unattractive, overweight guy, my habits and attitude began to reflect that and I gained a lot of weight. I'm now in a recovery process, you could say, trying to develop healthy habits.
Looking back on those pictures of myself in college and thinking about how poorly I felt about myself even then caused me to realize that something is wrong with the way I see myself and that I am always going to believe those things about myself no matter what my weight is unless something changes. Through a close-knit Bible study I've been a part of for the past year I've had the opportunity to expose some of these lies and begin to combat them with truth.
The reality is that I am not a second rate human being because of my size, physical shape or ability, self-control, or anything else, and you aren't either. You are a valuable, important, and loved human being with impassable worth because you were created by God and fought for by God even unto death. We don't have to chase after acceptance from anyone because we already have it in the most perfect way in God. You could ask 1,000 women about their opinions on your physical appearance or mine, and you're going to get opinions across the board, and some of them could feel differently in a year or even a week. Human opinion is fleeting and often selfish, but God's opinion is inherently loving and selfless, and most importantly, it's the truth. No one can tell you that you aren't worth cherishing because God has already told you that you are. Before you try to do anything else, you have to believe and internalize this. Everyone has something they dislike about themselves, but God loves all of it. His image is in you. With that foundation, you can escape those feelings of lacking. You can stop feeling like you need a marriage to complete you and affirm that you really are worth loving because you are already complete in who God has created you to be and you are already deeply and powerfully loved. You can feel free to live a life of joy and health to His glory and not to try to impress somebody else. And if God would bring a woman into your life, you would be free to love her as a girlfriend/wife rather than as a god.
Now I can't say that I'm there yet. The lies are still there and still try to bring me down, but that freedom, that health, that closeness with God, and that joy are things that I'm pursuing, and I would encourage you to do the same, brother. You will probably fall down at times as I have, but commit now to getting back up again and pressing on. You won't regret it.
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lol Trucks
don't have feelings, and don't reject you based on your looks 
that was amazingly brave and thank you for sharing it.
i relate more to this that you can imagine. i was raised by a former beauty queen, perfection-seeking mom who put me on my first diet when i was 12. a woman who told me that it'd behoove me to save my money for a nose job because i would be a lot prettier with one. a woman who really doesn't comment or compliment me for anything other than how i look. but that was her burden.
i spent a lot of years pursuing this ideal, something that taunted, haunted, and mocked me. i've always had to work at my weight, and my build is such that i can easily gain if i get too lazy. but sometimes that old, judgmental and harsh nature that was so much of who i was will still rear its ugly head.
when i finally was in shape, i buckled under the attention. i was never that fat, but it changed my confidence and things dramatically shifted. everyone seemed to treat me differently, and my role as "smart girl" was eclipsed by something else.
after my assault, i gained weight that took me a little while to lose. for me, the size i am has always been an inverse proportion to the fear and insecurity, mostly attention from men.
i think that believing you're worthy and enough is one of those things that takes time to really believe, and sometimes for me, it's still a daily journey of accepting the grace and truth. and yet, on some deep level i still feel like i am that sturdy, awkward, geeky girl who never felt quite comfortable in her skin. but i love that girl now, and she is part of who i am in the very best of ways.
it's a path that we are all on, in some way or another--but i admire that you're on that road, and moving in the right direction. you're worthy and i'm so glad you shared this with. : )
p.s. i still can't rep you for this. grrrr
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A
I don't trust e harmony or Christian mingle... as for me I'm just fine who I am God already has plans for me and I'm trusting in him. I did tried e harmony and did had some likes but then I just get scared idk why but then I did heard something in me telling me to get off of eharmony and to trust in him so I am Don't worry bro just trust in God
Don't worry bro just trust in God
I don't trust e harmony or Christian mingle... as for me I'm just fine who I am God already has plans for me and I'm trusting in him. I did tried e harmony and did had some likes but then I just get scared idk why but then I did heard something in me telling me to get off of eharmony and to trust in him so I am Don't worry bro just trust in God
Don't worry bro just trust in God
wait, what does "trusting God" look like? sitting in your living room waiting for the pizza guy to deliver so that you can fall in love with him, brought by God?
while i have a good understanding for myself as to what "trusting God" looks like in my own life, i'm really curious what you mean when you said you "got off eharmony" and are choosing to "trust God"?
thanks. : )
Yes, thank you for this. When I got off ChristianMingle (after the very short amount of time I spend on there), my sister basically said, "Now you can really be on God's timing." I challenged her on that, what does that even mean? Are new forms of technology and meeting people less relevant?
I'm all for meeting someone in person after meeting them online before things become serious, but the venue of how you originally met doesn't have to be face-to-face.
It irritated me a bit, to say the least. Then again, not everyone can meet their future husband randomly at an ultimate frisbee meetup the way she did but that's just my slight bitterness coming through.
I'm all for meeting someone in person after meeting them online before things become serious, but the venue of how you originally met doesn't have to be face-to-face.
It irritated me a bit, to say the least.
Then again, not everyone can meet their future husband randomly at an ultimate frisbee meetup the way she did but that's just my slight bitterness coming through.
Darn it, I can't rep you either apparently, but thank you for sharing that. You're actually a great example to me of what it looks like to truly love oneself in a pure way--not in pride but in humility. I can see that in the way that you carry yourself and you're an awesome example to me in that way. It sucks to have someone, especially a parent, put that kind of expectation on you and I'm sorry that you had to endure that, but it's evident that you're all the better of a person for it now.
I second this!
And ChandlerFan, that was a great post of yours, as well. I struggle with the same thing. It was exacerbated by the fact that my twin sister is small, thin, gorgeous, tan; and I always felt compared to her (both by myself and others), always passed over. It gave me a terrible view of myself. I mention that on here fairly often because it really shaped me back then and even now. But just as a disclaimer, my twin is way more than a gorgeous, tan, thin woman (that seems to be all I describe her as) and I love her to pieces and if anyone ever hurt her...well let's just not go there.
I am on much MUCH better terms with myself now than I was back in high school, but it was...very bad back then, and it's amazing how long those things can stick with you, no matter how hard you fight them. Years of beliefs that are false (but seemed to be confirmed on many occasions) are hard to come back from. It's still a struggle.
It's especially a struggle in the world we live in today where bodily perfection is pushed and the physical is raised onto a pedestal. Health is important, yes, but that doesn't seem to be the focus of ads/movies/TVs when it comes to the body...and as much as I'd like to say "I know that's an impossible standard, those have all been airbrushed and tweaked", a small part of it sticks in my brain as "Yeah, but that's what guys are looking for and that's not what you are. So, good luck with that LOL kbye"
Which is stupid, obviously, but it's funny how we hold that higher than who we are in God, ya know? Or maybe that's just me. Which is why we are to look to Christ as who we are, in Him, in every way. In every moment, in every struggle. Sometimes I think "No one is ever going to want you with your scars" or "No one's gonna love you when they have girl A B and C around" but PUT TO DEATH those thoughts, take em' to God, whatever your thoughts are that are NOT from Him, and let Him beat them up and be like "Yo, thoughts, I love My child even though she has scars and she's paler than the first snow and she gets angry at stupid stuff, so GET OUTTA HERE because she's MINE." Yeah God doesn't talk like that, I know, He's way more...wordscan'tdescribe. But you catch my drift.
It's hard, yes. But it's possible. Because it's God. And He loves us. And honest to goodness, as much as some males on CC deny it, a not-so-healthy man confident in the Lord is more attractive than a guy with washboard abs who doesn't take Christ seriously. Then again, abs have never been my thing, but that's besides the point.
I digress.
And before it's believed I have it all together...go and read some of my other posts from other times and realize I still slip and I needed to read this myself.
And ChandlerFan, that was a great post of yours, as well. I struggle with the same thing. It was exacerbated by the fact that my twin sister is small, thin, gorgeous, tan; and I always felt compared to her (both by myself and others), always passed over. It gave me a terrible view of myself. I mention that on here fairly often because it really shaped me back then and even now. But just as a disclaimer, my twin is way more than a gorgeous, tan, thin woman (that seems to be all I describe her as) and I love her to pieces and if anyone ever hurt her...well let's just not go there.
I am on much MUCH better terms with myself now than I was back in high school, but it was...very bad back then, and it's amazing how long those things can stick with you, no matter how hard you fight them. Years of beliefs that are false (but seemed to be confirmed on many occasions) are hard to come back from. It's still a struggle.
It's especially a struggle in the world we live in today where bodily perfection is pushed and the physical is raised onto a pedestal. Health is important, yes, but that doesn't seem to be the focus of ads/movies/TVs when it comes to the body...and as much as I'd like to say "I know that's an impossible standard, those have all been airbrushed and tweaked", a small part of it sticks in my brain as "Yeah, but that's what guys are looking for and that's not what you are. So, good luck with that LOL kbye"
Which is stupid, obviously, but it's funny how we hold that higher than who we are in God, ya know? Or maybe that's just me. Which is why we are to look to Christ as who we are, in Him, in every way. In every moment, in every struggle. Sometimes I think "No one is ever going to want you with your scars" or "No one's gonna love you when they have girl A B and C around" but PUT TO DEATH those thoughts, take em' to God, whatever your thoughts are that are NOT from Him, and let Him beat them up and be like "Yo, thoughts, I love My child even though she has scars and she's paler than the first snow and she gets angry at stupid stuff, so GET OUTTA HERE because she's MINE." Yeah God doesn't talk like that, I know, He's way more...wordscan'tdescribe. But you catch my drift.
It's hard, yes. But it's possible. Because it's God. And He loves us. And honest to goodness, as much as some males on CC deny it, a not-so-healthy man confident in the Lord is more attractive than a guy with washboard abs who doesn't take Christ seriously. Then again, abs have never been my thing, but that's besides the point.
I digress.
And before it's believed I have it all together...go and read some of my other posts from other times and realize I still slip and I needed to read this myself.