Single Mothers in 20s Everywhere at My Church

[JerryRice]

Just want to make it clear that it takes 2 to tango, as in the single mother needed a man to produce a child. The man is just as "guilty", if you want to use that term, it is just that most of them don't have to walk around with a living, breathing, crying label since most mothers end up with their child. They are the bearers after all and usually the guy isn't ready for the pregnancy they caused, walks out, or the relationship didn't last - but that's besides the point.

I guarantee just as many men in church are guilty of the act of sex, whether or not it caused pregnancy doesn't make a spiritual difference in the eyes of the Lord if it was out of marriage. I am sure tons of the women the OP is talking about could be divorced too so he might not be casting judgement because when they did make their baby it was ok by God. I am just saying men are lucky in that they aren't labelled as much. Maybe more single mothers come to Christianity than single fathers.

But yeah I understand the OP is saying he has a preference. Many Christian virgins or childless people may to want to marry another virgin or childless person. And it is difficult when you get to your late 20'a and 30's to find people in general that don't have a lot of sexual experience or children that are Christian that you want to pursue.

 

[djness]

You're not being robbed... you're robbing yourself. There are many single mothers in that age range on CC as well. I don't know them all, but i know that a number of them recognize their mistake and have learned and grown from it. As a result they would still make potentially good spouses. How many of these women may be in the same boat, and be amazing spouses and be just right for you but you shoot them down over some list of rules. I've met enough awesome women with bad pasts to know I'm better off ignoring who they were and focusing on who they are. I wouldn't hesitate to be with a woman with a past, long as i was confident she had grown and moved on from it. In fact, i think i prefer women with some sort of past, as i have one of my own and feel they can better relate to me than someone who has no idea how it feels to have made some of these mistakes. I'm sorry you're short changing yourself.

He is talking about women with children. That is not just a past, that is a present and a future.

He isn't making a post about dating girls with a "past". He is talking about a specific group.

And how many women with children do you think like having their kid called a "mistake"?

The guy isn't robbing himself of anything.....some guys are ok with dating or even marrying a women witha kid.
MY brother dated several women over the years with kids. A friend of mine just married a girl with 2 kids.
Some guys can do it. Fine. This guy who made the post just wants a girl who doesn't have that.

 

[djness]

Maybe none of the women at this Church did either

Noble thought.....but unless all their husbands happened to die in a bus accident at the same time....highly doubtful.

 

[Matthew]

Noble thought.....but unless all their husbands happened to die in a bus accident at the same time....highly doubtful.

I agree, doubtful, but there is more than one scenario can be leading to this reality:-

It could through the death of a husband.
It could be because of rape, at which point that women takes place as about the finest human being a person ever could meet.
It could be they had sex in a committed relationship before finding faith and their birth control failed, as a happens plenty, not ideal for sure, but in the context of not having faith it's not what could be classified as hugely irresponsible.
Also, it could be adoption, unlikely, but possible.

I just find a lot of men approach the whole single mother issue with the assumption it was youthful lust or some taudry 'friends with benefits' gone wrong etc....and it is often a good deal more complicated than that.

Being a single mother is not always the legacy of a mistake, it can sometimes be a purely noble act, and it'd just be good if we all could remember that.

 

[Kooper]

MAry did not go and get herself pregnant out of youthful lusts.
Not a good example.

Owned.

Well, I guess you're right. But I wasn't refering to Mary or how she became with child. I was refering to Joseph's choice to raise and take a child that wasn't his own. All things are possible through God. Unless, I'm mistaken.

 

[Catlynn]

To complain about single moms coming in droves to church isn't an issue, stop villainizing me.. everyone is entitled to coming to church.. I would just like to go to a church where women are my age without kids.. and I 100% reserve that right too.. I should've have to sacrifice my relationship boundaries so people on CC look at me as some good guy.. ya know my ex-buddy married a girl off eHarmony.. who had a major leg issue.. he sacrificed and settled for less.. and the marriage lasted all of about 16 months so..

I totally missed the last part of this post. He SACRIFICED and SETTLED FOR LESS because of her LEG?!?! I'm sure it was her leg's fault that their marriage failed.
Where is this perfect woman who's never done anything wrong, has no baggage and apparently has all of her body parts, since that's a big one for you? Good luck finding a church with those perfect women. However, if/when you find her, I feel as though she will have no interest in dating you at all. Your attitude and heart towards this issue is absolutely selfish. To imply that a woman with a child or missing BODY PART is less valuable or worthy of your time or friend's time is absolutely the most asinine thing I've ever heard. And don't say that isn't what you were saying because it absolutely was.

 

[Catlynn]

Excuse me, not missing body part, a body part with an issue.

 

[SocialArtist]

I do understand what you are saying, Church is in a way a social activity, and one where we all meet like-minded people, so hoping to meet someone special is reasonable, although should never be the main reason for attending.

So I can see how it might have seemed like a tease to see a lot of new women show up only to find they aren't right for you, regardless of the reason why, I get it.

Based on your mention of 'Rule #1' it does sound like maybe you consider single mothers as 'damaged goods', if that's wrong then consider maybe you didn't express yourslf clearly enough for everyone.

Try and see this influx of single mothers as an opportunity, to make friends with them, learn about their lives, how God has worked in them and maybe your heart will change, or at the very least you will learn and become wiser.

It should definately be a top reason for attending.. the christian world offers ZERO venue for meeting christians of the opposite sex. You can worship and study your bible on your own time.. watch teaching tapes 24/7.. church a few times a week is a Christians only physical (non-internet) resource to relating with Christians.

It is a kick to have slim pickens, absolutely..

Damaged goods.. ?? I specificied they were great people.. why are all of you overlooking that?

God will change my heart on my view of single mothers? What am I the sacrificial lamb who needs to be convicted into settling for a single woman with a child?

 

[SocialArtist]

Basically what you are saying is the same thing you would say to a guy "Why couldn't you keep it in your pants?".

Perfectly understandable You aren't the villain here. I know WAAAAYYY to many single moms where the father of the child is still somehow involved in their lives and NOT the least bit friendly to some new guy trying to come into both the woman and childs life. And as a guy dealing with that sort of thing just is NOT something I want to get involved with. I don't want my girlfriend to be constantly getting calls from some EX who is a total jerk and calls at all sorts of times or she has to hide from or whatever the case may be. And I don't want the dating relationship hindered by somone more special than me.
Kinda like the whole....if you don't like my dog we can't date. Cause you know...people are weird these days.

I'm the same way. Kid =not dating material. To much trouble. We must be bad guys, I know.

IF this was a post by a woman rallying women to the cry of where are the good virtous virginal men it would get the same replies. And the same defenses. You point out a people group you are going to raise some hackles.

Or use contraceptives.. as my sister suggested when we had this conversation lol.. certainly they could've been previously married but I've only met each of these women once or twice.

You're CLEARLY CORRECT .. it's a tough situation to get involved with.. that you're the first person to come out and recognize.. getting involved in these type of situations are risky.

Noted but knew that hahaha

 

[SocialArtist]

Both of those examples were under old testament law. Someone would have ended up outcast or dead.
Also are you telling all men that they need to rush out and marry single mothers before women without children. Because you seem to be firing with both barrels here......he didn't say he couldn't be friends witht hese women he said he didn't want to date them. Read the post with clarity before you chop the guy off at the knees.

Also most of these children probably don't have dead fathers....they just have deadbeat fathers or fathers that the women decided she liked to have sex with but he didn't make such a great father.
Why have the honor of being some kids father when they already HAVE one? He just didn't happen to be good enough.

Dude you are the man.. thank you for saying this

 

[Matthew]

It should definately be a top reason for attending.. the christian world offers ZERO venue for meeting christians of the opposite sex. You can worship and study your bible on your own time.. watch teaching tapes 24/7.. church a few times a week is a Christians only physical (non-internet) resource to relating with Christians.

It is a kick to have slim pickens, absolutely..

Damaged goods.. ?? I specificied they were great people.. why are all of you overlooking that?

God will change my heart on my view of single mothers? What am I the sacrificial lamb who needs to be convicted into settling for a single woman with a child?

Attending Church should be a top reason for relating to other Christians, but not primarily to find women (or men, if you're a woman) to date, that was all I meant, and of course, it's just my personal opinion.

I'm not overlooking what you said about them being great people, and I mentioned people might perceive your view of single mothers as 'damaged goods' only by the way you worded your post, I clearly was not saying that was your personal view, I did not overlook anything, please read what I say more carefully.

Further, I made no mention of you needing to settle for a single mother and be convinced or convicted etc.... I merely meant to express the thought that whatever your personal issues with it, maybe by getting to know some single mothers your views might change, as they tend to when we learn more.

You complain people critiscised you, but you are extremely defensive.

 

[SocialArtist]

Just want to make it clear that it takes 2 to tango, as in the single mother needed a man to produce a child. The man is just as "guilty", .

Off-Topic .. this has absolutely nothing to do with the point of the original post.

 

[Sevndust]

I wait 4-5 weeks (which translates to 4-5 .. 1 night a week young adults services) before really beginning the getting to know a woman on a higher level process for a reason.. because in 4-5 weeks you're gonna either find dirt or not on a woman of interest. If I don't see any bare minimum reasons to not continue moving forward, I start finding things to do with them outside of church.

Well, most of the women I'm meeting.. are striking out with me off the first at bat.. let me say first: I've been seeing a lot of attractive women my age arrive at my church.. very good looking, very personable and great women in general. However, they're all shattering RULE #1: Being Single without Kids.

I'll be sitting there, talking and all of a sudden her kid arrives from care.. and then another who starts talking to me... the same thing. Met another girl last week: I won't shy away from admitting.. I decided to see if I could find her on facebook: I did.. read her profile: she's a single mother.. end of story. Time saved.

This is a huge disappointment really.. I don't like to judge people, especially single mother's but it's like all of these women were apart of some secret group within the church and all decided to join our young adults group in a herd.. reason for believing is that they all seem to know one another.. WELL.

What happened to the days where when I was 22-25.. the women 27-33 were single without kids.. I feel like I'm being robbed of dating opportunities in droves..

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting to date single mothers. That's your personal preference and I think it's important for everyone to respect that. Maybe you even have reasons for feeling this way through your own personal experiences and that's fine. That also doesn't hinder you from creating a solid friendship with those you've mentioned, as some have already pointed out.

But here's what I don't understand with your initial statement...and I'm not even trying to attack you, but merely point a few things out as to why some have taken it to heart...

You claim that you don't like to judge people when you're doing just that.

Does your young adults group cater only to singles without kids? Is having a kid something that your group frowns upon?

Also, you make it out to be some sort of conspiracy that these women all seem to know each other...almost like they've got some kind of agenda.

Before you post something like this, understand that it's going to rub people the wrong way and you're going to definitely encounter resistance.

 

[SocialArtist]

I just find a lot of men approach the whole single mother issue with the assumption it was youthful lust or some taudry 'friends with benefits' gone wrong etc....and it is often a good deal more complicated than that.

Oh believe me no approach to the whole single mother issue is REQUIRED.. other than the fact that they have a kid.. that's it.. don't care how, don't care why.. they've got a kid and I'm not going there..

 

[SocialArtist]

I totally missed the last part of this post. He SACRIFICED and SETTLED FOR LESS because of her LEG?!?! I'm sure it was her leg's fault that their marriage failed.
Where is this perfect woman who's never done anything wrong, has no baggage and apparently has all of her body parts, since that's a big one for you? Good luck finding a church with those perfect women. However, if/when you find her, I feel as though she will have no interest in dating you at all. Your attitude and heart towards this issue is absolutely selfish. To imply that a woman with a child or missing BODY PART is less valuable or worthy of your time or friend's time is absolutely the most asinine thing I've ever heard. And don't say that isn't what you were saying because it absolutely was.

Well, not that you've spun what I've said miles out of context..

 

[Matthew]

Oh believe me no approach to the whole single mother issue is REQUIRED.. other than the fact that they have a kid.. that's it.. don't care how, don't care why.. they've got a kid and I'm not going there..

Grand.
So other than whinging about being robbed of dating opportunities, what was the purpose of your thread?

 

[SocialArtist]

I totally missed the last part of this post. He SACRIFICED and SETTLED FOR LESS because of her LEG?!?! I'm sure it was her leg's fault that their marriage failed.
Where is this perfect woman who's never done anything wrong, has no baggage and apparently has all of her body parts, since that's a big one for you? Good luck finding a church with those perfect women. However, if/when you find her, I feel as though she will have no interest in dating you at all. Your attitude and heart towards this issue is absolutely selfish. To imply that a woman with a child or missing BODY PART is less valuable or worthy of your time or friend's time is absolutely the most asinine thing I've ever heard. And don't say that isn't what you were saying because it absolutely was.

PERFECT WOMAN? Who said I was looking for a PERFECT WOMAN lol.. you have no clue about me at all.. and you come off as a condemner.. I don't have to please you to make the world go round..

It was exactly what I was saying.. you just have difficultly handling my blunt views..

 

[Sevndust]

Both of those examples were under old testament law. Someone would have ended up outcast or dead.
Also are you telling all men that they need to rush out and marry single mothers before women without children. Because you seem to be firing with both barrels here......he didn't say he couldn't be friends witht hese women he said he didn't want to date them. Read the post with clarity before you chop the guy off at the knees.

Also most of these children probably don't have dead fathers....they just have deadbeat fathers or fathers that the women decided she liked to have sex with but he didn't make such a great father.
Why have the honor of being some kids father when they already HAVE one? He just didn't happen to be good enough.

Most of these children probably don't have dead fathers...? Where do you get this from? How can you be so critical and so judgmental at the same time? Everyone's got their own story. Perhaps you should listen. You might learn something.

 

[SocialArtist]

Attending Church should be a top reason for relating to other Christians, but not primarily to find women (or men, if you're a woman) to date, that was all I meant, and of course, it's just my personal opinion.

Further, I made no mention of you needing to settle for a single mother and be convinced or convicted etc.... I merely meant to express the thought that whatever your personal issues with it, maybe by getting to know some single mothers your views might change, as they tend to when we learn more.

You complain people critiscised you, but you are extremely defensive.

At the end of the day TO EACH HIS OWN.. so we can debate our rules left and right.. in the end it just doesn't matter..

I'm actually not extremely defensive.. but I am defending what I say.

 

[SocialArtist]

Grand.
So other than whinging about being robbed of dating opportunities, what was the purpose of your thread?

Was their supposed to be some other purpose? I felt like sharing my current situation.. and now I'm being insulted for whining? and you're questioning my thread? Find another post if you don't like this one..