Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

[seoulsearch]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Yes, Yes, Yes!!

(and that's not sex noises!)

Zero, you crack me up!!! LOL!!!

And as a woman who was formerly married, I completely agree with Nod... especially the part about being married and realizing you still have all the same problems that you thought would be solved by getting married in the first place.

I cringe a little when I hear some Christians talk about how much better it would be if they had a spouse, NOT as a disrespect to marriage, but because I want to hug them and ask God to please prepare them so they won't be disappointed.

Green--SeoulLost I figured you nicknamed me this because I must sound like I don't have a clue And believe me, most days, I don't!!

Hope everyone keeps participating and thank you all so much for your honesty.

P.S. Just wanted to give a big thank-you to the user who gave me rep points for this thread--greatly appreciated, mucho gracias!!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Zero, you crack me up!!! LOL!!!

And as a woman who was formerly married, I completely agree with Nod... especially the part about being married and realizing you still have all the same problems that you thought would be solved by getting married in the first place.

I cringe a little when I hear some Christians talk about how much better it would be if they had a spouse, NOT as a disrespect to marriage, but because I want to hug them and ask God to please prepare them so they won't be disappointed.

Green--SeoulLost I figured you nicknamed me this because I must sound like I don't have a clue And believe me, most days, I don't!!

Hope everyone keeps participating and thank you all so much for your honesty.

P.S. Just wanted to give a big thank-you to the user who gave me rep points for this thread--greatly appreciated, mucho gracias!!

Cracking you up is one of my most sacred missions, Kim!

 

[KiwiCA]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Regardless of whether or not you like the guy, I really recommend free sermons by Mark Driscoll about biblical sex etc. He did an entire sermon series on song of solomon called the "Peasant princess" series which I totally recommend, as well as a sermon called "sexual sin" from the series "Religion saves and 9 other misconceptions."

He is very blunt and honest and open and all of his statements are backed up with scripture. He also answers those "Can we do this..." questions from couples and is not afraid to rebuke anyone misusing the bible or abusing their spouse/partner.

Mars Hill Church | Religion Saves | Sexual Sin

Mars Hill Church | The Peasant Princess

 

[seoulsearch]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Thank you for the reference, Kiwi--I'm going to look up the links you listed as well as hopefully research Mark Driscoll's sermons.

For the record, I have to admit that at heart, I'm probably a lot like Dothackzero as far as bluntness. I've often felt so suffocated by "generic Christian answers" that part of me is always dying for realness, which can sometime come out in a raw way. I long and pray for the day when God puts me into the middle of ministry groups that talk about issues plainly and openly. Now OF COURSE, there IS such a thing as appropriateness and tact. Since this site can be seen by all ages and this thread is NOT a group therapy session, I realize that polite restraint will be the ruling factor here.

But in my heart, I do tend to lean towards realism, even if it gets messy. A person might say, "I'm having struggles," but sometimes we're all so busy being polite that nothing ever really gets discussed and no one gets any real help. Now if someone says, "I'm having struggles with thoughts of wanting to invite a third person into my married life," then there is at least a baseline to work with. Just my own opinion though! We are all built differently and some of us are made to be more open, while others feel more reserved--which probably helps us all balance each other out.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Well if you want reality, the reality is that if you don't live with a person for at least a year before getting married, chances are the marriage won't last long. Like I said before, the idea we have of the person we are dating often does not line up with who that person really is and you can't learn all that you need to know by just asking questions. For example, there was a guy who was in love with this girl and they've been dating for about a year and then they got married and he thought she was perfect. Well a few months later he is complaining that he can't take it anymore because she leaves the house dirty and is a complete slob and he is like OCD about cleanliness. He never knew this because she always tidied up her place if he was coming over.

 

[GreenNnice]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Thank you for the reference, Kiwi--I'm going to look up the links you listed as well as hopefully research Mark Driscoll's sermons.

For the record, I have to admit that at heart, I'm probably a lot like Dothackzero as far as bluntness. I've often felt so suffocated by "generic Christian answers" that part of me is always dying for realness, which can sometime come out in a raw way. I long and pray for the day when God puts me into the middle of ministry groups that talk about issues plainly and openly. Now OF COURSE, there IS such a thing as appropriateness and tact. Since this site can be seen by all ages and this thread is NOT a group therapy session, I realize that polite restraint will be the ruling factor here.

But in my heart, I do tend to lean towards realism, even if it gets messy. A person might say, "I'm having struggles," but sometimes we're all so busy being polite that nothing ever really gets discussed and no one gets any real help. Now if someone says, "I'm having struggles with thoughts of wanting to invite a third person into my married life," then there is at least a baseline to work with. Just my own opinion though! We are all built differently and some of us are made to be more open, while others feel more reserved--which probably helps us all balance each other out.

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I don't think your lost at all SeoulLost, LOL, I just, as I said, remember your saying something like you were adopted and I thought the way you said you were 'picked up' was literally when you were a baby in a cardboard box and you were picked up in Seoul. Maybe I got it wrong as you know, like me, it's hard to be green

Not lost, very informative , and, your posts are second in length only to mine, but, keep in mind, I am biased

But, as far as polls go, you are way above me, girl, I am not even in the same stratosphere when it comes to that. You can think of amazing choices for polls and an amazing many of them

 

[wyler]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

If there is an issue involving sex within a marriage then typically its something external that has come into the equation that causes it to fail, not something that from the beginning just was not right.

In a way it's both, at least in some cases.

If, as SeoulSearch said, a Christian couple are told by the Church and other Christians to just wait for marriage and it will all be fine then once they get married the knowledge of each persons own sexual desires is something new coming into the equation, but in a way it was always there, they just didn't talk about it.

We talk a lot in Singles about dating and getting to know each other well before marrying and that's all good advice, yet it doesn't seem to apply to sex, something that is simultaneously acknowledged to be a hugely important part of a healthy marriage.

There is an obvious gap and people trust it will all work out, but two people can love each other and not be suitable for marriage, I'm sure many of us can speak to that scenario right out of our own lives, but if the issue that causes that incompatibility is sexual then two Christians can't avoid the mistake of marrying someone they aren't compatible with, and then comes the divorce.

I sure don't have the answers to this problem, it is very difficult to fight against the incredibly sexual society that surrounds us while not going to the other extreme, which is of course the natural reaction.
But I think the divorce rate among Christians could be brought down a little if Christians were taught that to some extent at least, it is OK to ask questions and not feel embarassed or like they are doing wrong.

 

[Ritter]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Sex has become a sacrament in the religion of materialism. That Christians are this concerned about the particulars in a sexual relationship is merely an example of the kind of rot people are now running away from.

 

[KiwiCA]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Sadly, I was not a virgin before I married so I knew how things happened and what to do etc - things that I should have otherwise come by in godly counsel from older women not through sin
BUT since Ive been married I had come across these books:

A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas Rosenau

This book is genuis! It is in my opinion a book that should be given to christian couples when they marry. Lets just say, it explains everything (and I mean EVERYTHING). Its the pyrotechnics of sex in a book that is also biblical.

Intimacy Ignited by J. Dillow, L. Dillow and P. Pintus


This book is a couples bible study on the Song of Solomon and its really well researched and yes you know it, focuses on good glorious sex the christian way.

 

[Allin]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Lol. Wowsers. Seoul, you said some things about how Christianity looks at marriage and sex, etc. All I can offer is that old saying that 'it takes a village to raise a child'... and it takes one to keep raising the child. We live in individualistic societies where people need each other (interdependence) but live independently and often isolated. Due to this lack of 'villages' (ie. authentic communication and interaction between Christians in all matters of life), things like sex and marriage suffer among Christians. Parents (and elders) are supposed to teach younger generations about all these things and, instead of saying 1,000 'thou shalt nots', teach by example how Christians are to live. Sex and marriage take care of themselves (whatever style or way or whatever) when Christians are transformed from the inside out and not held under obligatory rules. The more independent and isolated Christians live, the worse the rules and effects on Christians are, negatively affecting marriage and everything in between. (I used to go to a Christian school. I lasted a few months as I tried to raise hell since their 'heaven' was extremely oppressive.) Don't ask me, but if you'll look down through Church history, you'll see that it just works that way. Christians should be interdependent in order to learn more from each other and grow more than just going to church once or twice a week. Routine interactions among Christians (did anyone say 'accountability'?) can curb these types of issues (sex and marriage) pretty quickly.

 

[terrybo]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Hello i am a Christian and have much joy and success in my life. *EDITED*

 

[seoulsearch]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

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I don't think your lost at all SeoulLost, LOL, I just, as I said, remember your saying something like you were adopted and I thought the way you said you were 'picked up' was literally when you were a baby in a cardboard box and you were picked up in Seoul. Maybe I got it wrong as you know, like me, it's hard to be green

Not lost, very informative , and, your posts are second in length only to mine, but, keep in mind, I am biased

But, as far as polls go, you are way above me, girl, I am not even in the same stratosphere when it comes to that. You can think of amazing choices for polls and an amazing many of them

Green, you got the facts right ... you can call me whatever you like. And, you're making me turn red because of all the undue compliments . Thanks so much, and glad you enjoy the threads and posts. Ha... if you and I had a contest to see who could write the longest post... Well... the only ones who would read it would probably be the two of us .

Allin--I appreciate what you're saying about keeping within a Christian community and staying accountable. I agree 100%. But I guess I'm always asking why we have so many failures even when all the "safeguards" are put into place. I too was raised in "the village" (of the church) all my life. And the people in my examples, I would guess, have a lot of experience with being around Christian people.

As mentioned, in examples 1 and 4, these were people in ministry, surrounded by other strong, Christian people. And yet, the struggles and urges were not suppressed or, in the first case, held back from abusing other people.

I'm not questioning God's principles. Rather, my question is always--is there a better way we can put them into practice? Something that's more effective and prevents so much harm to others...

 

[chiclet01]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I agree with what was said earlier about the same problems existing once you're married. I waited until marriage, and I knew that my husband had previous experiences. I had no idea of the full extent of it until after the divorce.... Suffice it to say he was addicted to sex and every impure twist of it. I honestly don't think I've ever experienced what was referred to as "Christian sex" within marriage because while I was there... he had never left the worldly view of it.

I do wish there were more opportunities for Christians to gain guidance in this area. While the message of "don't" is technically accurate according to the truth, it also needs the practical application of "Okay... HOW?" Just saying "don't do it", tends to make people rely on their own strength, and we all know that inevitably fails. We can plug our ears and cover our eyes to it and say "We shouldn't talk about it because it's of the world", but I believe that's basically just ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. How's that been working for us?

If we as Christians are to be able to fight the absolute SATURATION of our society with all things sex-related, it can't just be through saying "Just ignore it!" We need to be able to talk about it. We need to be able to advise our younger generation about the risks and dangers beyond the physical repercussions. There are so many emotional, mental, and spiritual repercussions that people have no idea they're waltzing into. So many of them just don't realize it. If we're honest... so many of us don't either. By making this subject taboo, we're letting countless people wander into this trap thinking it's okay. That we're just saying "don't" because we're stodgy, old-fashioned, etc. And we gain nothing by clucking our tongues and talking about how horrible the world is becoming.

Sorry, I teach high school, and I'm lucky enough to get to mentor several of my high school girls. The warped view and the lack of resistance to it is something near and dear to my heart. Not to mention that I've lived out the consequences of being married to someone with that warped view.

 

[violakat]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Allin--I appreciate what you're saying about keeping within a Christian community and staying accountable. I agree 100%. But I guess I'm always asking why we have so many failures even when all the "safeguards" are put into place. I too was raised in "the village" (of the church) all my life. And the people in my examples, I would guess, have a lot of experience with being around Christian people.

I'm not questioning God's principles. Rather, my question is always--is there a better way we can put them into practice? Something that's more effective and prevents so much harm to others...
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Ephesians 6:11--> I'm sure you know what this passage is. For those who don't, it refers to the whole armor of God.

The reason so many of us struggle with lust, is that we fail to put on the whole armor of God. To be honest, it's so much easier to say, "Hey, you need to put your armor on, then to do it."
Part of that is because, A> we become so distracted by what the world has to offer (we still have fleshly bodies, not spiritual.) B> Sex is so much prevalent in our society. Even in some of our so called PG movies, we start to see a slide in moral values. Half the time TV shows are filled with sexual innuendos. And so, are minds start to dwell on what we see and hear. C> A lot of what we see is seared into our heads. As a result, it's sometimes hard to focus on other stuff. and D> We have a tendency to think we can go to God whenever we want.

The only way we can break free from temptations (not just sexual temptations) is to focus our minds on the things of God, and not on the things of man. There are two other passages from the Bible that comes to mind. Matt 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Are we focused only on the things of God or are we focused on the things of Earth?

The second is Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." When we put God first in our life, it's so much easier to see what things are just, pure, worthy to be dwelt upon. But, when we don't put God first, then it's much harder to decide what is pure.

I'm editing this last part in, after reading what I wrote. I realize, that the only true answer is to put God first. Make Him a priority. It is only then can we even begin to fight our battles.
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Good question, Kim.

 

[RachelP03]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

My husband and I waited till our wedding night to make love for the first time. We waited 6 years.....married for 4 and he cheated on me, moved out and is wanting a divorce almost a year later. We have spent all of our teenage and adult life together. It just blows my mind how committed he was to me and then changed after all these years with someone of being with for 3 months. I dont understand. I also was unfaithful after he left. I lived in darkness for when he left, I had no clue what to do and I went into a deep depression. So I want to say is, we did the right thing by waiting.....and still we are now basically a broken up marriage.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I don't understand if this thread is about lust, sex or marriage, or maybe all three?

 

[rainacorn]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Sex has become a sacrament in the religion of materialism. That Christians are this concerned about the particulars in a sexual relationship is merely an example of the kind of rot people are now running away from.

Man, this post should NOT be ignored.

The obsession with sex on this forum makes me sad. It seems like every other thread is about homosexuality, pornography or superficial nonsense standards in seeking out a mate to have sex with (after marriage, of course).

Like Nod said, there is soooo much more to life. As others have posted and experienced in their own lives- saving sex for marriage will not ensure a good, lasting marriage. There is soooo much more to it than that.

 

[violakat]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I don't understand if this thread is about lust, sex or marriage, or maybe all three?

Zero, I think in away, that all three are intermingled. People desire what they want, when they want it (lust) and instead of waiting on God. They decide to just do what they want. This could be sex outside of marriage, or a fast wedding.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Zero, I think in away, that all three are intermingled. People desire what they want, when they want it (lust) and instead of waiting on God. They decide to just do what they want. This could be sex outside of marriage, or a fast wedding.

Well then I guess we get to pick our poison

 

[Jullianna]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I agree that sex is not the most important part of a marriage (and I sure don’t want to read about anyone’s personal sexual business in a CC thread), but it IS vital to a marriage, especially the most important part thereof ------- > intimacy.

I’m with Kim on this. Let’s just be honest. I was married for a loooong time. And I have female friends, married/unmarried/christian/non-christian who TALK and I have worked with men for 20+ years who do the same. Discontent within the sexual marital relationship can lead to the breakdown of trust, respect and intimacy, which are ALL vital components to a healthy marriage.

If you can’t trust a prospective spouse enough to comfortably discuss sexual/intimate matters, should you marry them? Talk about it. It’s okay. It can be done in a respectful way. You might very well expose issues either of you might have that could have a horrible effect on the marriage down the road, which could be anything from frigidity/feeling uncomfortable with your body due to offenses committed against you in the past to homosexual leanings to sexual addictions.

I would much rather take the risk of feeling a bit uncomfortable BEFORE marriage than to be divorced later on. If you are grown up enough to marry, you’d better be grown up enough to feel comfortable talking about sexual matters with your spouse. One day you’ll be an old married person and look back and laugh about how hung up you were about talking about it.