Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

[seoulsearch]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I don't understand if this thread is about lust, sex or marriage, or maybe all three?

You'll actually see a common theme throughout a lot of my threads--we are told to basically, "Follow God, be good, and it will all be ok... Things will work out well for you if you just be the best Christian you can be."

And so many times, things don't work out well at all... even for the most diehard of Christians. I often wonder if, when we are told to witness how wonderful it is to have a relationship with God and that our lives will be better if we follow Him, is it almost a form of false advertising? NOT because God is at fault... but because the truth is, it's HARD to follow God and sometimes life gets even worse when you do so. I'm interested in realness--the hardcore realities of life and how we deal with them as Christians.

I'm observing things such as, "I followed what I was told to do and it all came apart at the seams... So now what?" (As documented by some of the brave posters here.)

My question is always, "If we are following God with all our hearts... Why does so much still go wrong, and how do we deal with it? Why are so many of those who say they are God's people in such bondage? Is there a better way to take what God gives us and use it?"

Because obviously, something isn't working for a lot (I'd dare to say, the majority) of so many people.

 

[dothackzero]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

My question is always, "If we are following God with all our hearts... Why does so much still go wrong,

Because we are imperfect humans, and because of that we can still make mistakes and miss what God's telling us.

 

[iamsetfree]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Ok, I gotta chime in... I am in a relationship with a man and we are living together... We confess to both be Christians and we are having SEX... Yes I believe their is a difference. I believe when two people who confess to be Christians who are living togerther and are having sex are lost !!! I come from a very dysfunctional family, alcohol, depression, suicide, prostitution. We are fighting all the time and it is bad... It gets really bad and I want to self inflict... Pain, alcohol, pills and numb out... I dont feel very set free... We met on a Christian dating website, living in 2 different states we packed up my things and moved to his state and are living together. We really don't know eachother and I believe that I have opened the door for all this insanity by not being pure... Meaning to me, Premarital sex. I was in prostitution and drugs, alcohol and my view of *+* pure *+* sex is nice and cute with a big bow... That's not reality for me... I feel i'm still pretty screwed up and he is to, for being with me... I'm 7 yrs sober, free of drugs 15 yrs, prostitution for 4 yrs. but once you've had chocolate cake you know what it taste like. So last night we had the biggest fight yet... He wanted SEX... He called it romance and +*+ passion +*+ well I know where passion leads... The end result was he wanted sex... We had the best day yesterday, we even looked at rings and I thought we had a very *+* romantic *+* day... Anyway this all happened at 5am and I was really tired and he says that maybe we should get a book to help us keep *+* romance *+* in our relationship... I was floored, 1st cause he brought this up at 5am and 2 cause I had a very romantic day with him... It got bad, really bad and I told him to leave... He ended up sleeping on the couch and today I just want to RUN......... I cant do this anymore... I KNOW I am living in SIN... and I believe I have opened up the door for all this to happen... So now what... aaaahhhhhhhhhh I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, I was waiting on the Lord to bring me a Godly man and I thought this was him... I have only known this life of sin and it is really hard to do what feels unnatural and that is, by the book... I am going to tell him that we will have NO SEX... we'll see how this goes over... I am really damaged sexually and twisted emotionally from my pasy sexual lifestyle.... I need healing and not heartache... Please Lord I need your Help...

 

[niceguyJ]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

You'll actually see a common theme throughout a lot of my threads--we are told to basically, "Follow God, be good, and it will all be ok... Things will work out well for you if you just be the best Christian you can be."

And so many times, things don't work out well at all... even for the most diehard of Christians. I often wonder if, when we are told to witness how wonderful it is to have a relationship with God and that our lives will be better if we follow Him, is it almost a form of false advertising? NOT because God is at fault... but because the truth is, it's HARD to follow God and sometimes life gets even worse when you do so. I'm interested in realness--the hardcore realities of life and how we deal with them as Christians.

I'm observing things such as, "I followed what I was told to do and it all came apart at the seams... So now what?" (As documented by some of the brave posters here.)

My question is always, "If we are following God with all our hearts... Why does so much still go wrong, and how do we deal with it? Why are so many of those who say they are God's people in such bondage? Is there a better way to take what God gives us and use it?"

Because obviously, something isn't working for a lot (I'd dare to say, the majority) of so many people.

I think that takes this thread in a broader direction...I very much agree with you in wanting people to be real. Absolutely!

I think it's a great disservice when Christians tell other believers that things are going to be all wonderful and perfect when we seek God first. That's a lie. Obviously, life is hard and it's always going to be hard, yet we should still cling to God. It's the right thing. The way I see it, Jesus went through WAY more than any one of us ever will. I can't even fathom the amount of pain he went through. Are we greater than Him? Can't we suffer some too?

I also think far too many people have a sense of entitlement. We don't deserve anything good. We're sinners who deserve to be burning in Hell. Anything beyond that is a blessing really. This is not Heaven. Life here was, is, and will always be messy. If we're following God just because we think he's going to give us our every wish and He's sitting up there waiting to serve us, it's for the wrong reason. We are here to serve him.
Many people are all "Me me me! What about me?" When it should be more like "God God God. What about God? What does God want?".

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect with this stuff either...it's a struggle...but for me that's the reality of things. I try my best to be thankful for every little thing He has given me rather than whine about what I don't have...whatever those things are, I obviously don't need them right now or He would've given them to me.

 

[niceguyJ]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Too late to edit..but I really like this song: Have Your Way by Britt Nicole (with lyrics) - YouTube It came to mind.

 

[violakat]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

You'll actually see a common theme throughout a lot of my threads--we are told to basically, "Follow God, be good, and it will all be ok... Things will work out well for you if you just be the best Christian you can be."

And so many times, things don't work out well at all... even for the most diehard of Christians. I often wonder if, when we are told to witness how wonderful it is to have a relationship with God and that our lives will be better if we follow Him, is it almost a form of false advertising? NOT because God is at fault... but because the truth is, it's HARD to follow God and sometimes life gets even worse when you do so. I'm interested in realness--the hardcore realities of life and how we deal with them as Christians.

I'm observing things such as, "I followed what I was told to do and it all came apart at the seams... So now what?" (As documented by some of the brave posters here.)

My question is always, "If we are following God with all our hearts... Why does so much still go wrong, and how do we deal with it? Why are so many of those who say they are God's people in such bondage? Is there a better way to take what God gives us and use it?"

Because obviously, something isn't working for a lot (I'd dare to say, the majority) of so many people.

It's not so much about "following" God, as making Him our first priority. I mean, the Sadducee and Pharisees, in the days of Jesus, would say that they were following God by keeping to the letter of the law. Yet, the did not make God a priority, instead they made their image priority in their lives.

When we choose to make God our first priority, life become even MORE difficult. And that simply because Satan wants to get our minds off of God. And just as you said Kim, the closer we are to God, the harder he throws. Satan will use the people we work with, our families (and he really loves using them against us. Grumble, grumble. Oops, sorry.) He also likes to create doubt, stir up fear, and even cause us to feel unworthy and unable. And he attacks and attacks and attacks until Satan manages to get his foot in the door. And once he does, well then he speeds in to take over the house.

 

[Jullianna]

Re: Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

We were created to serve God, not the other way around. The whole God being a genie in a bottle who will make your world all sunshine and roses once you become a christian mentality is not scriptural.

Jesus said in JOHN 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

He didn't promise us a perfect life. He promised to be with us through it all and to ultimately use the bad for good in our lives, though we don't always see or understand it. You can be "doing it right", but there's no guarantee that the other person will. You can BOTH be doing it right and one of you can die or some other tragic event can occur. Life happens. God is there. The important thing is that no matter what life dishes out, we continue to glorify Him.

I have to say how meaningful it is to me to read the posts of those who have been abused sexual and had their hearts/dreams crushed, but they are still holding fast to their faith. They are still in the race. God bless you for that! <3

 

[chiclet01]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I also think far too many people have a sense of entitlement.

This. THIS. THIS!

Goodness gracious I could not agree more with this statement. A lot of our culture has seeped over into our perception of God. We think that somehow we're doing HIM a favor by following Him. Oh goodness....

My mom told me the story before about how she was praying and crying out to God because of a tough time they were going through. And, to be fair, it really was a VERY hard time. Lots of things were falling apart and people they had trusted were betraying them. She was praying and remembers saying "God, this isn't fair. We don't deserve this." And she felt that gentle reminder in her heart that said "Do you really want what you deserve?"

Needless to say, that really stuck with her.

My marriage was not what I hoped it would be. Do I blame God? Absolutely not. I gave it my all, and I walked every step of it seeking God's guidance. In the end, it came down to the decisions of my now ex-husband. And I cannot change those. But God has blessed me through all of it. That's what following God is about. He didn't promise that only good things would happen. He promised that He would WORK all things TOGETHER for good. Sometimes... a lot of times... that may mean that the good is the growth in our spirits that draws us closer to Him.

 

[seoulsearch]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days that maybe what was intended isn't so much that Christians are statistically going to have lower divorce rates, or more successful relationships, or happier marriages.

God knows the human heart and all its flaws. I've been wondering a lot if maybe, God accepted that "on the surface", we would have pretty much all the same problems as unbelievers, and sometimes maybe even more so. I guess what's important to God isn't so much that we have fewer troubles or even better lives, but rather, what He's looking at is how we go through them and choose to handle them, knowing we are in His presence and have the tools He's given us.

I have to wonder if maybe it's not so much about deliverance/lessening of burdens while we're here on earth (not that deliverance isn't possible, of course) but rather the walk, the climb, the fighting struggle... Maybe our example isn't supposed to be, "I'm a Christian and because I believe in God, it's all working out for me," but, "I'm a Christian... I'm going through just as much as you, and sometimes more. And this is how I choose to handle it because of God..."

 

[zeroturbulence]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

My husband and I waited till our wedding night to make love for the first time. We waited 6 years.....married for 4 and he cheated on me, moved out and is wanting a divorce almost a year later. We have spent all of our teenage and adult life together. It just blows my mind how committed he was to me and then changed after all these years with someone of being with for 3 months. I dont understand. I also was unfaithful after he left. I lived in darkness for when he left, I had no clue what to do and I went into a deep depression. So I want to say is, we did the right thing by waiting.....and still we are now basically a broken up marriage.

By the way, thank you for sharing that with us, Rachel. I feel bad that no one has replied to you.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

You'll actually see a common theme throughout a lot of my threads--we are told to basically, "Follow God, be good, and it will all be ok... Things will work out well for you if you just be the best Christian you can be."

And so many times, things don't work out well at all... even for the most diehard of Christians. I often wonder if, when we are told to witness how wonderful it is to have a relationship with God and that our lives will be better if we follow Him, is it almost a form of false advertising? NOT because God is at fault... but because the truth is, it's HARD to follow God and sometimes life gets even worse when you do so. I'm interested in realness--the hardcore realities of life and how we deal with them as Christians.

I'm observing things such as, "I followed what I was told to do and it all came apart at the seams... So now what?" (As documented by some of the brave posters here.)

My question is always, "If we are following God with all our hearts... Why does so much still go wrong, and how do we deal with it? Why are so many of those who say they are God's people in such bondage? Is there a better way to take what God gives us and use it?"

Because obviously, something isn't working for a lot (I'd dare to say, the majority) of so many people.

Excellent points, Kim!!

 

[seoulsearch]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

By the way, thank you for sharing that with us, Rachel. I feel bad that no one has replied to you.

Indeed, Gabe. I always appreciate it when people are willing to share their stories... and a bit heartbroken for what they're going through.

 

[Lo]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

it's because demons are everywhere.

marriage is supposedly sacred and holy, blessed,created, and enjoyed by God (ex. Song of songs) And from marriage comes forth the family, families form societies-the masses, the masses influence the leaders, the market, the policies, basic values and morals and beliefs.

If Satan can infiltrate and perverse the sanctity of marriage it will affect even the generations to come, slowly but albeit surely. Satan deforms Christian marriages believers and non-believers will be dismayed and God's name is insulted.

i'm not absolutely sure where or when it started in America but i think this is how it went: moral decay --> sexual fornication --> divorce --> abortion -->.... you get the idea...

 

[Allin]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Hey, Seoul. You said, "Allin--I appreciate what you're saying about keeping within a Christian community and staying accountable. I agree 100%. But I guess I'm always asking why we have so many failures even when all the "safeguards" are put into place. I too was raised in "the village" (of the church) all my life. And the people in my examples, I would guess, have a lot of experience with being around Christian people... I'm not questioning God's principles. Rather, my question is always--is there a better way we can put them into practice? Something that's more effective and prevents so much harm to others." The only way to successfully put God's principles to practice is by having them written on your heart; ie. by having your heart governed by God's principles. And the only way to start the process is to be born again with a new heart with God's principles written on them. Safeguards are made for the flesh/carnal nature; they guard the flesh from doing what it wants to do, so the flesh often wins because it's still largely in control (and so needs safeguards). When God's principles are written on our hearts, they govern how we live and <His principles> are our safeguards, not outwardly but inwardly. The only 'better' way to put God's principles to practice is to become them (to be born again); that way, we no longer have to try to 'make it work', but it will work as it is who we are. I understand that may be hard to grasp. I guess the best summary is this: "You must be born again" if you will correctly apply God's principles.

Seoul, you also said, "If we are following God with all our hearts... Why does so much still go wrong..." There are probably many possible reasons. The one that may be at the head of them is that we haven't really been taught how to follow God. We know how to do a lot of 'all our hearts' but not how to follow. Paul said, "Though you may have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet you have not many fathers" (1Cor. 4:23). This is part of where the 'village' thing comes in: many ministers are anxious to teach and preach, but so many Christians (even many filled with the Spirit) still don't know how to follow God or walk in the Spirit. They've been taught (instructed, spoken to) but not trained (shown by example, walked with/mentored). This is why 'a village' is needed: because one or two ministers or people can't properly raise a child in God's ways (since it takes both teaching and training).

Hi, Michelle. I sent you a private message. It's a bad testimony that you wrote two days ago with such a need and many have responded since, but no one has replied to you. Psalm 20:1-2 says, "May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion." I pray that while you're here you will get support from the women on this forum, find in your life the safety and healing you need and desire, and be blessed in your life with supportive and healthy people and maybe a like man who will be just what you need. Amen.

 

[essokahill]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Singles and Sex: "Marriage is the Answer!" So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?
Response.It is kind of strange to associate broken marriages to influx or decision for it.But I think the question of broken marriages varies with individuals.Firstly I wanna ask this reflective question in light of the subject.If Adam or Eve wanted to divorce one another,where would they have gotten the substitution ? Hahahaha.The answer I suppose is simply NO WAY.We should understand that we are in a fallen world,and there are many temptations that people face everysingle day and mostly some give into it.And above all the devil is fighting the institution of marriage with all his might.
Second ,unforgiveness is also one of the avenues which trigers divorces.Jesus told us that we should forgive as many times as possible,he even said that if we don't forgive our heavenly Father wouldn't 4give us.Most of the time some married couples have this notion of what I call" again syndrome"The state of taking a final decision b4 the partner commits an offence.For instance"if he comes home late again this would be the end"If she/she does it again this would be the end" and so on and so forth.The danger in this kind of mindset is that,it hardly gives room for further negotiations or amendments,which the end in most cases is seperation.
Third,Covetousness
Fourth,outside influence
fifth,unfaithfuness
Competition. pride.
Negligence or having arrived attitude ie lack of vision for their outward appearance which some may argue it is not important since we are meant to be spiritual.But I think it should be balanced.
Anxiety

 

[Allin]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

Essokahill, you're right. There are many variables. It can be a mess. I've never been married, so I guess I'm lucky. I can definitely wait.

 

[Crossfire]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?



Great question! I personally believe and teach that both men and women were ultimately created to participate in intimacy with God and that God gave marriage to mankind as a reminder (a type / shadow) of our divine purpose in this life.

A marriage will never be satisfying unless the marriage is centered on God rather than self because neither the husband or the wife will be happy if the marriage is centered on the wants / needs of one individual over the other. If so, someone is going to feel neglected and unhappy.

If the marriage is truly centered on God and Godly principles, then both the husband and wife will place the needs and wants of their spouse before their own thus both will feel satisfied that their needs are being addressed without adversity from their spouse. Sure compromises might have to made however, compromises are much easier to discuss and make when you have the best interests of the other person at heart instead of your own.

We honor God by being selfless in our marriage, thus placing their wants needs above our own, instead of being selfish which will only lead to sin and strife. It all makes perfect sense once you come to terms with the selfless nature of God.

 

[xXTroubleXx]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

"...WHY doesn't that seem to work for so many people? And WHY does the Christian community keep telling us the same answers without honestly speaking about the struggles so many Christians are having? Is there a better way?"

I think the answer to your concerns is written in your question and that is that people are not speaking honestly about certain struggles that this issue presents. I think sex (between partners) should be discussed openly before marriage. Communication and a willingness to participate in discussions and finding solutions is key. I think its true that marriages fall apart for reasons other than sexual dissatisfaction, In fact I think sexual frustration can be a result of a variety of factors and is not always the cause of an unhappy marriage (although I do not deny that it can be).

I think the best possible solution to avoid sexual dissatisfaction and, overall, an unhappy marriage is to have the communication line (between partners) open at all times and for all topics, ESPECIALLY sex. I don't think discussions about sex HAVE to be vulgar and offensive by nature, and I think its a shame that seoulsearch even thought about apologizing for posting this, because this thread was clearly not an invitation to talk about vulgarity.

All relationships are different, and whether or not you wait until marriage, both people involved need to be reasonable, responsible, and be able to communicate concerns, beliefs, ideas (etc) to their partner. In addition both people should be open to listen to any concerns, beliefs, ideas about a certain issue and if there is a disagreement, both people should make it a priority to find solutions, not run away and hide from the marriage. I think it would also help if mentors didn't offer poor advice, painting some sort of fairy tale picture that all problems will dissolve with marriage. I think that's just plain irresponsible and misleading. Marriage brings about many changes and if the people don't talk about things that are bothering them or are not willing to compromise or find solutions then resentment could form and the marriage could become bitter.

I, personally, am not married, but this is my philosophy for what it's worth.

 

[princeofpeace]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

This is what I choose:

I believe that all my sexual feelings, desires, and curiosities will be fulfilled in marriage.

I just hope I get a wife that wants to expriment around as much as I do. *edited* Not that I did not get these ideas from porn. Let's just say(When I use to watch(and I've been free for over 4 months now)

"Christian sex" within a Christian marriage is going to be awesome!

I don't need or want worldly things like porn involved in my marriage.
(I basically just mean no porn, toys, thresomes, or beastaitily(which just sounds gross anyway), and anything else that fits in here.)

I could go for a time without sex and still love and be faithful to my spouse (think recovery from pregnancy, illness, etc.)
(I could but I don't think it's a good idea, I'm thinking good and having sex often is a good way to prevent adultry)
<H3>1 Corinthians 7:2-5

2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. </H3>

I wish more Christians would speak honestly and openly about sex.

btw for the people that feel guilty for having sex filling. Don't worry about it's natural, Just don't act on those feeling.

Really couldn't have said any better than this. I'll just add a few words. The world does a really good job of making something that God made special look very bad. I love sex just as much as anybody else in the world I just chose to have it with the one woman I fall in love with and after marriage. Now i just gotta find her!!

 

[AsifinPassing]

Re: Singles and Sex: &quot;Marriage is the Answer!&quot; So Why So Many Heartbroken Marriages?

The 'Every Man's Battle' or 'Every Woman's Battle' does a good job exploring this subject. I wold also suggest Mark Gungor's 'Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage'

These two resources have been the most helpful to me in exploring Christian sexuality, which btw, is part of God's design for us. The problem is that sin twists the good things of God, and takes them to unintennded places and levels.

Anyway, sorry I did not write an in depth analysis, but I'll submit to you those who have. God bless!