The more marriages I witness...

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
C

Catlynn

Guest
#1
#1
The less I want to be married. Anyone else feel this way?

I spend a lot of time around married people because I'm a mother and most mothers are married. (Apparently that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be done. I guess I missed that memo.)
I knew that it was hard work but MAN! It can get crazy! I've seen disagreements about disciplining children, problems with sexual intimacy between MARRIED people, arguments about contraceptives, someone finding out a YEAR into the marriage that she and her husband have completely different theological beliefs, a woman who basically waits on her husband hand and foot and he treats her like hired help....it's just....I don't think I can do that? There seems to be so much more wrong with marriage than good in it. What the heck is the point?! I may sound super pessimistic, but seriously, it's the way that I've been feeling as of late.
AND manipulative men who seem to perfectly wonderful and loving to most, behind closed doors can be manipulative, selfish jerks who don't care a lick that his wife's needs aren't being met in the slightest even though it wouldn't take much at all to fix the problem.
I don't know, maybe I'm just coincidentally around a whole lot of awful marriages right now but it's really starting to weigh heavily on me and it's beginning to seriously affect my outlook on the whole thing. I'm definitely not in a "pining for a husband" stage of life. lol

Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Maybe it's just a phase? Or maybe many more people should stay single or not be in as big of a rush as we thought...

I think this is a venting thread....sorry.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#2
#2
I don't know.

I absolutely believe in love and falling in love and all of that and I know that marriage has sooooo many wonderful aspects of it I just get so discouraged when I see such selfishness and bitterness. :(
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#3
#3
I think the problem with most marriages (Christian ones included) is that people get focused on "me, me, me" and lose sight of what's actually important- God, and their spouse.

But it's hard NOT to do that, because the world tells us that we deserve happiness, we deserve material stuff, we deserve better, blah blah blah...and it sounds really good, and it's a lot easier to put yourself first than to sacrifice anything for anybody else, God included.

And then there's problems. And unhappiness. And divorce. And it gets really ugly.

So I guess I'm saying, I don't blame anyone for shying away from the idea of marriage, because it IS really hard. Mine almost ended so many times because we were both more worried about ourselves than each other or God. But I would also hope that if the right person came along for any of y'all, you wouldn't turn down or run away from what could be an amazing gift just because the world has turned marriage into a joke.
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#4
#4
I've seen many marriages like that both in & out of the church. I can see why anyone would not think of wanting to get married if mostly what you see are examples like that. Any man who isn't stepping up to the plate,helping his wife & being the supportive husband he should be,obviously needs to check himself. If yer' home life is messed up,then your outward life will soon follow. it's only a matter of time. God is not going to bless a household that is not following him. The husband should take the lead in this & if he's not it puts a huge burden on his wife & children if they have any.
I understand your discouragement...but don't lose hope. There are lot's of couples out there with awesome relationships where both spouses are serving God,loving & praying with & for one another..and spending quality time with their kids. I pray you see some of those examples someday. There's never any hurry to get married either..I don't know why so many people are in such the hurry. God will show you when it's time if your seeking Him.
 
JimJimmers

JimJimmers

Senior Member
#5
Apr 26, 2012
2,584
70
48
#5
I sometimes hear of women who spend every dime they can get out of their husbands, and feel that way, but it's nothing that lasts very long. I know not all ladies are like that. Although it does help cool a situation, if you try to think long-term.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#6
#6
Yeah, I think it's the selfishness that I've been seeing that really frustrates me and turns me off. :/

and I wanted to note that I do know that women can be awfully manipulative as well, it just happens to be a guy that I know at the moment.

Every single marriage I mentioned up there is between Christians. blah
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
#7
#7
Catlynn said:
Yeah, I think it's the selfishness that I've been seeing that really frustrates me and turns me off. :/

and I wanted to note that I do know that women can be awfully manipulative as well, it just happens to be a guy that I know at the moment.

Every single marriage I mentioned up there is between Christians. blah
Click to expand...
...and that is such a sad testament to what God designed marriage between two believers to be. It must really hurt the heart of God to see something that he ordained to be such an amazingly beautiful expression of Himself between two people be mocked & degraded. Manipulation is one of the most horrible things you can do to one another in a marriage. No wonder when couples start down that path it's so very hard to heal & recover from. You are basically taking yer' partners heart & twisting it...treating it like garbage to get what you want. Husbands need to lay down their lives for their wives..act as Christ would..and wives need to respect & love their husbands...if a need isn't feeling like it's being fulfilled there needs to be dialog..always communication in all things. I hate seeing people fester confusion or bitterness or hurt towards their partner. You allow the devil so much free room when you start down that road.
 
P

presidente

Senior Member
#8
May 29, 2013
9,090
1,751
113
#8
IMO, most American men probably do not make good husbands.

IMO most American women probably do not make good wives.

You have to be very selective. If you are already a mother, though, then it may be a little harder to compete with the competitive. But if you want to get married, you can pray and ask God for help. I asked God to send an angel before me to help me find my wife (like the story about Rebecca.) I was really pleased with who He led me to. She seemed pretty happy, too. The Lord can do that, give you someone that really makes you thankful.

If you have grace to be celibate for life, good for you.
 
P

presidente

Senior Member
#9
May 29, 2013
9,090
1,751
113
#9
Before getting married, you need to know the other person's theological perspective, what they perceive as a husband and wife's role, what the think about divorce and remarriage and a dozen other things. Ask questions about who does the dishes. A woman should be careful to marry a man she can trust enough to submit to him till death do us part. A potential spouse has to be a good parent, and can't be lazy. What are the potential partner's expectations and philosophy in terms of sexuality? Is it 'defraud ye not one another' or 'when I feel like it'? Who is going to handle the money. Get all the big questions out of the way before engagement Get your parents involved in vetting a potential spouse. If that isn't possible, try older friends.

Maybe you could talk to these marriage friends about their process for choosing a spouse. Was it based solely on feelings, connection, and the feeling of being in love, plus, oh yeah, he/she's a Christian--box ticked--let's get back to thinking about my feelings about the person before I make a decision....
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#10
#10
Yeah I've felt like that before. There was this family in my old church that seemed very happy and close and normal; the dad was always joking around with his daughters and helped out at church. When one of his daughters confessed to me that he was an abusive jerk who constantly yelled at his wife and daughters and treated them like maids, I got very VERY dissapointed. I couldn't believe such hipocrisy was possible in Christ's church. The worst thing is that that wasn't the only marriage that was going through the same situation at the church. It made me question what the heck was wrong with the world.

I'm aware of people's warnings ''marriage is hard'' but the idealist side of me pushes me to think it is possible to have a good and godly marriage that doesn't feel like hell. You know what? That shouldn't be an ideal, first of all, it should be reality , especially in a Christian marriage. I know marriage must indeed be hard but I refuse to just accept that it's gonna be hard. You can call me a rebel :p.
 
Loveneverfails

Loveneverfails

Senior Member
#11
Feb 18, 2013
1,294
26
0
#11
I'm right there with ya, Kayem. I know there will be struggles but I have seen my God do beautiful things through fallen people so I haven't given up hope. Rebels unite! :p
 
Loveneverfails

Loveneverfails

Senior Member
#12
Feb 18, 2013
1,294
26
0
#12
I don't mean to devalue anything said in the OP, though. You're right. Some marriages are VERY disheartening to look at. :/ On the other hand, some are downright inspiring. :)
 
G

GRA

Guest
#13
#13
A Christian family is no doubt the kind that Satan is always the most "ready and willing" to attack to try to destroy.

Have faith...

Don't give up...

Don't loose hope...

"Keep on keeping on..."

And - 'look for the good' - lest you get too discouraged and not find it at all... ;)

:)
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#14
#14
Loveneverfails said:
I'm right there with ya, Kayem. I know there will be struggles but I have seen my God do beautiful things through fallen people so I haven't given up hope. Rebels unite! :p
Click to expand...
Yay :) I'm sometimes pessimist about ever finding someone who can share the same idea of love that I have , but I've also seen good marriages in my life! most of them in books or movies......those count, right? :p Joking aside, I do know loving marriages are possible, I've seen a few that I can label as godly and honorable.
 

Attachments

G

GRA

Guest
#15
#15
Catlynn said:
The less I want to be married.
Click to expand...
For me - it is not so much that I want to be married any less - I still very much desire the very special relationship and companionship that should be at the core of every marriage ( the way God intended ). I can even say that - in a way - it makes me want it even more! With all of the craziness that is in the world today -- never has it been more important to have that [ intimately close ( and not just physically ) ] "special someone" - who can truly be trusted - in your life - to be a "helper" in the everyday complexities of life - and "offset" the loneliness that the complexity of life seems to produce in daily quantities...

It just means that we have to be especially careful in finding "that certain someone" --- and, not be in too big a hurry to marry...

Suffice it to say -- relying on God is paramount!

:)
 
Last edited:
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#16
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#16
Well Cat, there's good and there's bad...in every marriage. Some work through it. Others don't. Some don't, but somehow still stay together just growing more miserable over time... Then, some, get help. They value each other enough to change. They may be slow, sloppy, and bad at first (or for quite a while), but are truly trying.

Really, I've seen many different kinds in many different kinds. Happy Heathens, miserable Christians, visa versa...

I agree that people shouldn't rush into things as much as they do. I'm only 24, and over half my graduating classes (and definitely those older) are already married, with children, or divorced. I think there's a different sense of commitment and sacrifice today. Many people seem to be less willing to 'die on a hill' than before. That's just an aside, however...and there's much more to the subject matter.

I believe it's still worth it, though, but then...it's a team sport (if you will). I believe marriage at its best is the closet reflection of God and Heaven, and at its worst...well, can quite literally be a living hell. What it is really lies in the hands of those who hold it.
 
Last edited:
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#17
#17
I agree...I've seen less than 10 successful ones in my entire life. Not good incentive to give it a try
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#19
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#19
My first question is... What is a good marriage supposed to look like?


I've been in relationships that would have made interesting Marriages, nightmare marriages and great marriages.


But there has also been times in my life where I knew I was not marriage material. The older I get, the less marriageable I become. I'm aware of this as well. Some people have an opportunity to grow into a direction with someone when they are both young enough to adapt to each other. At this stage of life, people are pretty fixed, no one is growing anywhere. I have to accept and be accepted, for differences that younger me would never tolerate, both in myself and others.

All of the amazing people are gone. There is only the rest of us left to sort through the hand-me-downs, leftovers, passed overs, the broken, the refurbished, the abandoned, and the neglected.


Once an expiration date is reached for me, there is only to decide what to do with the rest of my life and mourn not for the absence of something I have never known.


Love for someone, not marriage, is meant to soften our hearts to be molded from the inside out and to shape our lives to suite each other's better. I don't want someone to meet me where I am or me to do the same to them. I want to grow together, softened by love, into a relationship that is bound emotionally to stand the test of time, and signed on the bottom line in front of the world as an outward expression of the love we have for each other.


For me it will probably take years to get that far with someone else but, For the time being I still think its worth the effort.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#20
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#20
All marriages are different. For example my sister married an alcoholic, for years she had a terrible marriage, until he became sober. My marriage has been good other then some up's and down's, normal for most couples I believe.

I've been around people who do nothing but complain about their spouse for stupid reasons. I've also been around friends who have confided in me that their spouse has had an affair. It all can make marriage seem very scary and pointless, but to me it's not.

I got married when I was 29 my husband was 31. We went through a lot together, moving, babies, money issues. It wasn't always easy, still isn't, we disagree about things sometimes, it happens. I wasn't sure at times if we would make it. So far we have and I hope we continue. He feels very strongly about the covenant of marriage as do I. I like working together with someone it's rewarding to me to see how we grow as a couple. I would love to be able to spend more alone time with him, but little kids and jobs can make that hard sometimes.

I hope that someday you find a man that you feel like you could spend the rest of your life with. :eek:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.