Medically speaking, gender is wrapped up in hormones and chemistry. That's nature. However, pesky nurture comes into play, and it's a strong, pulling force. Your gender is general, but in a way it's micro evolution. If I may analyze for a moment. I would say that your lack of gender is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. You've down played your femininity because it's brought you heartache, icky men, and physical desires that are very hard to control. So if you make yourself androgynous you can protect yourself from future pain.
See, I've spent my life protecting myself from "bad" men. I was taught that if you were pretty then those bad men would kidnap you, molest you, etc. But I was constantly told how pretty I was. My "aunt" Pauline used to call me Snow White. I was told how talented I was, how valuable I was, and I had A LOT of attention from adults. However, I was warned about those bad people, but I wasn't ever taught how to protect myself. I was just told to not be attractive. So what did I do? Well, society says that fat people are ugly and unwanted. So I became fat. Or at least my perception of fat. Like most American women, my weight fluxuated and sometimes yo-yoed out of control. I thought I was safe and ugly and that men would leave me alone. But they didn't! It got to a point I started wearing an engagement ring so I would be left alone. That didn't work either... So I built walls.
My ex said that I have F*%& Off written on my forehead. He didn't understand why until I explained that I couldn't protect myself. When I told him that I was raped at 19, and that it was my first sexual experience, he finally understood why I was the way I was. After the rape I felt completely defeated, like a failure because what I was taught to fear most had happened. I couldn't protect myself, I couldn't make myself unattractive, all I could do was make myself unavailable to people. All I could do was build myself a tower with no door and only a window so I could monitor who was attempting to get my attention.
Even now I sit in my tower, attempting to protect myself, not wearing make up, not losing weight, not taking care of my health, and all because I've allowed nurture to control myself. I've let other people mold me. I've been trying to see myself through other people's eyes instead of viewing myself through the eyes of Christ. I'm terrified of being beautiful. I'm terrified of being in a relationship where the man doesn't abandon and reject me in some way. It sounds crazy, I know, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. To step out into who I could be or should be is scary.
A friend and I were talking about meaningful song lyrics, and over the past day or so these lyrics have been going through my head.
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
And the more I listen and process and dig into God's Word, the more I am starting to feel bulletproof. The enemy can take their aim, but with Christ I'm bulletproof.
I'm probably rambling and maybe I've overshared, but identifying with a gender is chemical first and self esteem second. It's not about what you can do, it's who you believe you are.
