Wondering about dating etiquette?

ServantStrike · Mar 26, 2015

Dating is a silly way to learn to test your own limits. There are other activities you can engage in that don't involve getting yourself emotionally entangled with another person while you're on the rebound.

You need to be strong and stand alone. No one is truly ready for a relationship until they've come to terms with managing their own emotions, feeling, and expectations first. If you don't do that, you'll inevitably get attached too soon and either waste your time or end up with another ex wife.

mystikmind said:

You need to constantly remind yourself that life is not short. You're not that much older than I am. Do you excercise regularly? If so, you're going to live for a very long time. Taking some time and sorting things out is not going to shave that much time off of your life.

As for a test, I don't know that I'd trust any test that tries to gauge relationship readiness. I'm pretty sure it would be impossible to get that test to an accurate state. Readiness varies by individual.

Just slow down. Take time and make yourself complete before you go diving head first into the shallow end of the pool.

mystikmind · Mar 26, 2015

ServantStrike said:

You could also argue that no one is ready for a relationship period! lol And there will never be any guarantees you will never end up with another ex, no matter how ready you were for a relationship. To love is to risk, and sometimes you will fail.

What it really all boils down to is probability, and how much you want to improve your probability of succeeding in a relationship. Your never going to get 100% probability of success, and you can waste a huge amount of time trying to get close to that, this i will not do. I think i would be very happy with a 50% chance while dating, but i'm probably going to want a much much higher probability of success for marriage, say 90%, to whatever extent that is possible to imagine (i could think it is 90%, but in reality it could be 20% for reasons i don't know, anything is possible).

Hellooo · Mar 26, 2015

mystikmind said:

So much thirst in these posts!

As far as the original inquiry, while I can't speak for all ladies, a lot of women prefer to date men who aren't trying to play the field.

As far as still being married and already trying to formulate a game plan for how your dating life will work - I know this isn't your original question, and that several people have touched on this in previous posts, but don't you find it concerning?

If I felt like the time outside of my romantic relationships were a waste, I'd be questioning what am I even doing with my life.

mystikmind · Mar 26, 2015

Hellooo said:

1) I am not sure i even fully understand what 'playing the field' means?

2) I'm not sure what your point is, that i go forward in ignorance? So no, formulating a plan is not at all concerning, I do not know what the future holds, better to be prepared.

3) 20 to 27 without dating or even trying to improve myself to be relationship ready, yes, it is a waste.

seoulsearch · Mar 26, 2015

Mystik,

I hope I'm not sounding rude here but in all honesty, with all the things you are going through with your wife, custody, and pending divorce, it sounds like you have A LOT more to sort and work through than dating.

You just might want to put the whole thought of dating on the backburner and concentrate all your efforts into rebuilding a stable life for yourself (and your children) before even thinking about bringing someone else into the midst of it, which will surely take a toll on everyone involved.

A while back a man asked me out who is separated and he still speaks of his wife in the present: "The other day, my wife said..." This is just me, but first of all, I choose not to date anyone separated, because "separated" is still "legally married", at least to me.

Second, I could never date anyone who speaks of their wife in the present tense. As in, he obviously still thinks of her as his wife. Um... If he has a wife, then I have no business talking to him about anything other than what's necessary for work, and only at work.

I'm not saying this to discourage you but I hope you're concentrating more on building a strong support network (family, friends, church, support groups who are have gone through the same issues) more than the thought of how you might avoid juggling several dates at once.

Dating in the midst of this, or even soon afterward, will likely lead to more heartache--a strong foundation of support will help you build the long-term friendships and emotional cushion you very much need right now.

Hellooo · Mar 26, 2015

mystikmind said:

1. US slang (just realized you are in the UK) for seeing several people without committing to anyone.
2. Perhaps I should have phrased this better - my thought was that a marriage or divorce should be resolved before entertaining ideas of dating.
3. A single period being a waste of time - I don't necessarily grasp this mindset myself because I find there is so much more to life, for example, developing your other relationships, traveling, being a dad, pursing the things that truly excite you, doing work that you're proud of - the waste is to let the lack of romantic partner- temporary or otherwise - hold you back from nurturing those areas. It's natural to love, and to want to be loved, but it shouldn't become an idol.

soccermom19 · Mar 26, 2015

Mystikmind,

I recommend that you take time for yourself. Get through your divorce first, with God's help. Second, pray and read your Bible to decide if you would be committing adultery by eventually marrying someone else. Third, get to know yourself and continue to strengthen your relationship with God.
If you believe that you are free to remarry, you should take time to decide what you are looking for in a woman. Make sure she is a practicing Christian. Make sure she wants the same things that you do. Make sure that she is also free to date and marry.
I can only speak for myself, but I always liked openess and honesty in a relationship. I would appreciate a man talking to me about whether we wanted to date others or be exclusive. I think there needs to be a great deal more communication between couples from the beginning. It could help prevent a lot of heartache in the future.

mystikmind · Mar 26, 2015

There is allot of sound advice here, i suppose i should clarify a few things....

Firstly, i am thinking allot about the future at the moment, so i am curious about dating (among other things). I am not here looking for permission to date, just looking for information 'on' dating. Not that such advice is of no use at all, i do appreciate it, thank you all.

Yes, of course i have to resolve all the main issues with the divorce.

The fact is, my parents are selling their house and moving in with me, so if i was planning to start a relationship any time soon, i would never agree to this.

They are moving in because they do not like the place where they are living now, it is on a main road and in 3 years they have had 2 cars totaled trying to pull into their driveway. And they are moving in because they want me to keep my house and be able to buy my wife out of her share, and they are moving in just in case the custody battle gets nasty and i can stand in court and say i have two grand parents living at home to help with my daughter.

But yes, i am curious about dating, and that is something i do envisage i can do, but again, as far as any kind of serious relationship is concerned, it is just not on the cards right now. But also It is not impossible that i could get dragged into such a thing and this is where all the advice from you guys is most helpful.

AgnusDei · Mar 26, 2015

mystikmind said:

Mate!
I wish I could help you with the "dating" stuff
But I do not know anything of it
I can only give advices for singles since I am single myself

gypsygirl · Mar 26, 2015

mystikmind said:

i wish you the best as you navigate your divorce, custody, and the upcoming move with your folks. my grandparents lived with me for a handful of years prior to their deaths and it was among the happiest times in my life.

finally, i am reluctantly pointing out one more thing to you because it has sort of jumped off the page to me in many of your posts, and i think it is more that a tiny thing.

you have tendency to speak about your life, relationship, and experiences often from a passive voice. for example, in this post, you talk about how you might "get dragged into something" which, if you really think about, might offer you some real insight about the manner in which you view yourself and your choices in relationships and life, as well as your own power, responsibility, and opportunities.

for example, if i described the same thing that you're inferring, i would likely say, if i lose all my sense, and give in to the temptation of persuasive romantic offer or maybe, if i find myself powerless to resist a magnetically charming suitor (okay, i added a little flair there, but i have a bit of a dramatic side : D).

do you see the difference? those are my choices, for which i have taken responsibility for. you instead describe this (and other circumstances) as something you are powerless over or without choices.

i actually went back and re-counted instances in your posts where you utilize this same kind language or description and there are number of them there. i want to stress that i think much can be gleaned from these characterizations, more than just some dime store analysis than i might offer. we all view life through an imperfect lens and this speaks to your own "lens" and its potential for distortion.

please understand i am not criticizing or judging you in any way. far from it. i think you're earnestly trying to take good steps forward and i earnestly admire that you're attempting to do so on healthier footing, as you've spoke of, in dealing with your insecurities. but i'm also not putting you on the spot, nor expecting an explanation. just pointing this out to you for your consideration--if you feel inclined.

you mentioned earlier that you planned to go to a counselor to talk about your wife. i think you are wise in seeing her as flawed, just as you, along with the rest of us are. sometimes we start to believe the stuff we've been told, either by others or even our own critical voice (or have been buying it so long we don't even realize how much we've been corrupted by those cynical thoughts).

i was raised by a very controlling, domineering woman who was quite abusive, especially verbally, and very emasculating to her husband(s). i think i have an idea of what it is that you described with your wife, and i do know that the damage is real. but the kind of person who dishes out that kind of treatment is probably just as insecure and in pain as you are (perhaps more so), whether you can believe or see that.

secure, healthy women neither desire, nor seek to control nor diminish men.

but i also hope that you don't stop there, only to discuss your wife and custody issues--don't forget that it was your "picker" that led you to her. and, i think the issues you're dealing with can be really helped through therapy.

i'm a bit of a proponent for therapy (especially for situations like your own) because i've seen how much good it can do, not just for myself, but for others. and it can be a very powerful tool in unlocking the important insights that we often need a little help with. for the record, i'm not talking about consulting with a freudian-pushing, prescription-crazy, humanist, "hug yourself everyday" psychiatrist, but someone who will get you talking and dealing with the pain and other issues that you are dealing with now, but the stuff that has probably always been there, and will continue to be rather relevant in a future relationship. this can go quite nicely along with your bible study, church involvement and your own walk with God. God has actually used therapists in my own life to speak the very truth that He was leading me to--in some ways that were almost comical to me.

over my life, i've had periods ranging from six months to two years where i met once a month (or so) with a therapist to help me identify things i've needed to work through and work on. they are really excellent for helping you see the very things that are stumbling blocks and barriers, yet we have become so accustomed to that they seem unremarkable to us. they also good for helping us to identify priorities, help through transitions (like your current situation), how to work through very difficult situations with others (i.e. your wife) and also probably help you better gauge your emotional availability and relationship readiness.

as you've described yourself, you are a planner and want to be prepared. here's something else to ease your mind. in all honestly, your etiquette questions and worries are probably of no real concern to a woman who sees a healthy man who is a real catch--honest truth!!! i think most women have a soft spot for a guy who may be clueless about something like "dating protocol" but healthy and open enough to simply be honest about it, and his truth. or confident enough to simply ask her what her opinion is, and what she thinks about the topic because you can admit that you don't know.

further, one thing i've come to discover in the last few years (and deeply believe) is that few boundaries, practical concerns, snafus, faux-paus and missteps really matter all that much when you meet someone who can be your "right person". again, i speak from persona truth.

finally, part of why i'm passionate about what i've shared with you and this subject is that it's been partly my own story, but a different path. it's no exaggeration to say that 'i've worked hard to become emotionally healthy, whole and relationship-capable.

and i still don't feel like i'm near being done--i'm still learning and pushing myself to become more healthy and vulnerable.

you talk about wasting time? well, i've never married, and yet, i've taken lengthy periods to heal from my own insecurities, problems, dysfunction and even some painful events. and i can also say that during those times of believing i need that "break", there is always someone who is tempting you from that which you know is right. there is always that voice in you that says, "gee, if you don't get moving, you'll always be alone!", or that voice that says, "i don't really know if i can keep doing this, year after year!". those voices, they exist, late at night, during that mid-day slump when your friend is droning on about their happy married life, and so on.

that nagging feeling that you'll somehow be left out, forgotten, or be overlooked. truth is, love (or romance) is always young. : )

anyway, there are only a handful of things i am really sure about, when it comes to the choices i've made so far in my life. one of them is persuading my grandparents to move in with me, and another is the time i spent away from guys and dating so that i could deal with those issues that were important. had i skipped that, who knows where i'd be and who i'd have become, or how many ex-husbands i'd have in my wake? ; p

but i can honestly say that because of that time, and simply the desire to be healthy and capable both in life, and in relationships has done a lot of good for me, both personally and in all my relationships. i'm very happy today, and even happier, as far as relationships go. i feel as though i have to offer much of what i ask for in relationships, which is important. and honestly i shudder when i think about the close calls i have had--the previous engagement, the wrong guys, and yeah, all the dates looking for distraction, company or someone who i wasn't even sure existed.

and one more thing. until you really know who it is you are, and who it is you're looking for, you are often wasting a lot of time dating random nice people, which was yet another thing that therapy encouraged me to discover and articulate for myself. you also seem to talk about using dating to learn about yourself or testing yourself (on more than one post). i think that you're really seeing that in a wrong light--i personally think it's really dangerous (frankly, unfair) to see any relationship as a means to test or validate your health. while that may be an unintended consequence, it isn't a good idea, and your "results" may be really flawed based upon who the person is.

mystikmind, i prayed for you this afternoon. this post became a lot longer than i planned to write, but i type really fast, and you've been on my heart today. i do hope that you find all of what i've shared as encouragement to you, and i deeply believe that you have the ability and opportunity to change the course of many things in your life, especially when you cooperate with God, marinate in His word and find the courage to seek, confront and heal from what ever things that can hold us back, both in life and in relationships.

and i do wish you the very best. : )

mystikmind · Mar 27, 2015

Gypsygirl

I only read about a quarter of your post, but i really like your insight, as soon as i get the time, i will be carefully reading the rest.

It is interesting, i just did 2 online relationship quizzez. One said i was very ready for a relationship, but i found the questions did not allow very relevant options, i was choosing answers based on being the least irrelevant answer. Then i did another quizz where i was able to select more relevant answers, the conclusion was that i am 'ambivalent'. I think that second quizz is spot on the money! Your post seems to confirm this to me, i will have to give this allot of thought.....

I do see how i am very driven to seek out knowledge at the moment, possibly a state of ambivalence can drive this?

hoss2576 · Mar 27, 2015

mystikmind said:

Your relationship readiness is not going to be found in an online quiz. Most online quizzes are poorly developed, and their outcomes are solely based on snapshots of how you feel at that given moment.

mystikmind · Mar 27, 2015

Gypsygirl

I finished reading the rest of your post, thank you kindly for that.

Got me thinking about what am i really looking for .... i am not one of those kind of people who feel any kind of need for a relationship, i think, at the moment for me, it is mostly about keeping motivated, keeping moving forward, not wanting to settle into a rut, ,,, and when people say i need to wait, and i imagine doing that, it just leads to 'rutsville' because that is my natural inclination. But also i feel enthusiastic about all the things i have learnt so far, and enthusiasm for me, it is a big thing!

Lynx · Mar 27, 2015

mystikmind said:

It is only a waste if your reason for living is to be married. Is there really nothing else you could do with your life? Is having a wife THAT important, that a few years single is considered wasted years?

I drive the church bus. I used to teach children's church (hence the gray hairs on my head.) I have a lot of friends who are pretty good people. I have eaten a lot of chocolate, and a lot of different kinds of chocolate. I set up the whole sound booth at church by myself (except for setting the EQ... we got a professional to do that.)

I am single but my life is not by any consideration a waste. I am doing many things that are useful to many people, and I am enjoying life a lot.

mystikmind · Mar 28, 2015

Lynx said:

It is only a waste if your reason for living is to be married. Is there really nothing else you could do with your life? Is having a wife THAT important, that a few years single is considered wasted years?

I drive the church bus. I used to teach children's church (hence the gray hairs on my head.) I have a lot of friends who are pretty good people. I have eaten a lot of chocolate, and a lot of different kinds of chocolate. I set up the whole sound booth at church by myself (except for setting the EQ... we got a professional to do that.)

I am single but my life is not by any consideration a waste. I am doing many things that are useful to many people, and I am enjoying life a lot.

I suppose i should have elaborated, obviously i would not consider that period of being single as wasted if i had actually done something with my life!

mystikmind · Mar 28, 2015

I have learnt something else interesting about dating... i did quite a few online quizz relating to how relationship ready you are.

A good number of them were designed specifically for women, i did them anyway! It was quite an eye opener, women have all kinds of issues and relationship hang ups and fears and insecurities too!

As men, do we really take the time to really pay attention to the woman we are interested in and think about weather she is ready, even if she thinks she is, she may not be?

Lynx · Mar 28, 2015

No... those online quizzes have a lot of issues and relationship hangups. If you rely on them for insights into the female psyche you're going to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off base. I mean really, incredibly, astoundingly off base. Like, not even on the same continent the base is on. Maybe even on a different planet.

Roh_Chris · Mar 28, 2015

Lynx said:

How about we gift him a homing device? He will need some sort of help to find his way home.

mystikmind · Mar 28, 2015

Lynx said:

Well i know this is wrong because you would have to look at the individual quizz to know that, as it stands your remark is a remark of total ignorance made with prejudice to support a certain wisdom which i do understand. Here is another piece of wisdom, don't slam the door to possible insights because of ignorant prejudice, but also that does not mean you have to trust those insights.

Lynx · Mar 28, 2015

Glad you enjoyed the magazines then. Someone has to keep them in business I guess.

Thanks for calling me ignorant and prejudiced.

Wondering about dating etiquette?

ServantStrike

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mystikmind

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Hellooo

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mystikmind

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble

Hellooo

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soccermom19

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mystikmind

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AgnusDei

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gypsygirl

Senior Member

mystikmind

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hoss2576

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mystikmind

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Lynx

Folksy yet erudite

mystikmind

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mystikmind

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Lynx

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Roh_Chris

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mystikmind

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Lynx

Folksy yet erudite