Wondering about dating etiquette?

[cmarieh]

I may not have any experience in this area of a relationship, but have had experience in leaving churches. Now, I realize they are two different things. I left a church a little over a year ago because I was taken outside of the church by one of the elders and he bluntly told me that my dad was not saved and he was not even there at the time I kindly corrected him. It was my last Sunday at the church. Since then, I have decided not to attend a church until I am ready emotionally because if I was to look for a church right away, chances of finding a church that is different is slim because it seems if you find a church right after you left one after you have been there for a while you will end up in the same type of legalistic church because it is comfortable and familiar. I think relationships are the same way, after a breakup or a mutual split we need time to rejuvenate and heal before we either hurt someone else or end up in the same type of relationship which is not fair to either one of you. I would take your time and enjoy being single and allow God to heal you and create a stronger more personal relationship with him. Then allow God to make that next step in your life when "he" feels you are ready.

 

[skylove7]

Mystikmind,

Ummm... aren't you still married, or just starting a divorce process?

I mean, it's really none of my business what you do, but it might be good to slow down a bit.

Thank you Maxwell...I couldn't say more myself!

 

[Roh_Chris]

This is something I learnt recently. I thought I will share it here for everybody's benefit.

I had recently met two wonderful Christian girls for coffee. We had corresponded earlier through mails and chats so this was the first time we were meeting. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation the girls asked me "How old do you think we are?" Now guys, this question is as tricky as a girl asking you "Do I look fat in this dress?" If a girl ever asks you to guess her age, do everything possible to avoid answering her. Seriously. It is even okay to roll on the floor and cry 'It's those voices in my head!' But if she is adamant, then you only have one choice. Guess her age, subtract 30% and give her the number.

Let's just say that I was stupid and I told them what I thought they looked like. I was glad they didn't use the cutlery on the table to carve me up.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

my primary advice to guys in general interested in women is to be their friend. i mean, a REAL friend.

i can't be more tired of hearing about the "friend-zone".

as i've oft said here (and others too) women date all the time from their friend zone, because the friend zone is very different (usually) for guys.

Thats somewhat good advice. Its great advice if the guy is only moderately, or maybe even upper mediumish attracted to the girl. The whole be just friends things is 100% impossible if the girl REALLY knocks your socks off the first time you meet her though. The male brain (whats left of it anway, johnny 5 is short circuited when this kind of magic happens) will not accept just friends. Its emotionally impossible to do so. Invalid input

No true friendship can actually happen here anyway because in your heart, you can never truly look at such a woman in any platonic way. Ettiquite wise, its still good to be friendly, respectful, and get to know the other person. Buuuuut, Im a strong proponent of making your interest known when you meet people like this and refuse them entry to the platonic friends zone at any cost.

That being said, I think being just friends first is very wise and an excellent approach when its possible. Im just describing a scenario where it is impossible.

 

[mystikmind]

Glad you enjoyed the magazines then. Someone has to keep them in business I guess.

Thanks for calling me ignorant and prejudiced.

I think you know full well what i said was specific to your comment, not you personally, my words are clear on this. But, sorry if you were hurt by that, and i appreciate your efforts to post a comment.

 

[mystikmind]

Thats somewhat good advice. Its great advice if the guy is only moderately, or maybe even upper mediumish attracted to the girl. The whole be just friends things is 100% impossible if the girl REALLY knocks your socks off the first time you meet her though. The male brain (whats left of it anway, johnny 5 is short circuited when this kind of magic happens) will not accept just friends. Its emotionally impossible to do so. Invalid input

No true friendship can actually happen here anyway because in your heart, you can never truly look at such a woman in any platonic way. Ettiquite wise, its still good to be friendly, respectful, and get to know the other person. Buuuuut, Im a strong proponent of making your interest known when you meet people like this and refuse them entry to the platonic friends zone at any cost.

That being said, I think being just friends first is very wise and an excellent approach when its possible. Im just describing a scenario where it is impossible.

This reminds me of another issue in dating - and i have done it too! It is when you date someone and your only 'moderately' interested. And then the question is, how long do you continue to pursue that person before you decide it is not really working? Stay in it too long and they may be more hurt when it ends, but step out to quickly and you may not have had time to really know it would not have sparked up?

 

[p_rehbein]

[did not click on this link, proceed at your own risk, I mean it IS from Matchdotcom]


Wait...........took that off...........if you really want advice on dating etiquette, Google it and read the various articles

 

[gypsygirl]

Thats somewhat good advice. Its great advice if the guy is only moderately, or maybe even upper mediumish attracted to the girl. The whole be just friends things is 100% impossible if the girl REALLY knocks your socks off the first time you meet her though. The male brain (whats left of it anway, johnny 5 is short circuited when this kind of magic happens) will not accept just friends. Its emotionally impossible to do so. Invalid input

No true friendship can actually happen here anyway because in your heart, you can never truly look at such a woman in any platonic way. Ettiquite wise, its still good to be friendly, respectful, and get to know the other person. Buuuuut, Im a strong proponent of making your interest known when you meet people like this and refuse them entry to the platonic friends zone at any cost.

That being said, I think being just friends first is very wise and an excellent approach when its possible. Im just describing a scenario where it is impossible.

i do agree that sometime this doesn't work as well as others. and maybe this varies by guy as well. but you make a good point.

but here's the rub. regardless of how attracted a guy may be to a woman, there are simply a lot of scenarios where a woman is going to not be interested in a guy, at least not sufficiently. and guys don't understand that a lot of this isn't that we're NOT attracted to him. it's that we simply don't have enough information. because women develop and process attraction far differently, and much slower.

so if you're going to push the issue and put us on the spot without sufficient time or opportunity to develop a friendship, then a great number of girls are going to say "no" to someone they'd probably say "yes" to, if he could be patient enough to put some time and effort into a friendship.

but... as you point out, friendship without expectations may not be really feasible beyond a certain length of time for some guys. on the other hand, we seems to do quite well with male friendships. : D

 

[Donkeyfish07]

i do agree that sometime this doesn't work as well as others. and maybe this varies by guy as well. but you make a good point.

but here's the rub. regardless of how attracted a guy may be to a woman, there are simply a lot of scenarios where a woman is going to not be interested in a guy, at least not sufficiently. and guys don't understand that a lot of this isn't that we're NOT attracted to him. it's that we simply don't have enough information. because women develop and process attraction far differently, and much slower.

so if you're going to push the issue and put us on the spot without sufficient time or opportunity to develop a friendship, then a great number of girls are going to say "no" to someone they'd probably say "yes" to, if he could be patient enough to put some time and effort into a friendship.

but... as you point out, friendship without expectations may not be really feasible beyond a certain length of time for some guys. on the other hand, we seems to do quite well with male friendships. : D

I agree there. It definitely varies by guy but I just want to point out there is also such a thing as dating without expectations. Ideally, you dont really need anything from the other person and you should never go into anything expecting to just take or force an outcome on another person. Its more of a "Hey, I'm really interested in you. Lets have dinner tommorrow" type thing. As far as pushing, if she responds anywhere near the "lets just be friends response" and I'm not okay with that, I'll usually just say something like "I cant do that, I'm way too into you to be just friends. Let me know if you change your mind though".

I don't really consider that pushy, your just saying no to the friends zone. If your really not okay with being there with some person, I think its prudent to just not allow it to happen in the first place. I agree trying to force an issue will really do no good (and theres probably an issue that needs dealt with under the surface if someone does that habitually). It's far better in my personal opinion to get a quick no than to be stuck with a long term maybe that may one day turn into a yes if she decides she feels like it. Its more time efficient to just find someone else that is just as appealing and repeat the process of asking, even though this kind of attraction is rare. Its much quicker to go through 10 no's and get a very enthusiastic yes the 11th time, than to hang around and pine after 1 person that isn't even sure if she wants to go on 1 date date.

This is obviously only applicable to girls you are head over heels for, but its an important group to bring up because this group affects our emotions the most. I have a good number of female friends that are just friends but i would enjoy going on a date with so I'm not always anti-friendzone dating.....but its important to note I really do not care at all, not even a smidgen, if a date ever actually happens with this group. I probably wouldnt even be the one to ask with most of them. Thats friendship without expectation. Is that really how you prefer your potential dates to feel about you? Or would you rather date a guy that thinks your the cat's pajamas? Thats a serious question by the way. I have never heard a woman's opinion on what she would prefer of the two.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

This reminds me of another issue in dating - and i have done it too! It is when you date someone and your only 'moderately' interested. And then the question is, how long do you continue to pursue that person before you decide it is not really working? Stay in it too long and they may be more hurt when it ends, but step out to quickly and you may not have had time to really know it would not have sparked up?

Well as Christians I think we all know that it's not wise to judge a book by its cover. She may very well be a proverbs 31 and the love of your life even though at first glance she doesn't appear to be. In my mind though, I think it should be obvious to you if you have been on several dates with her if your heart is really in it or not. What kind of timeframe are you thinking about?

 

[mystikmind]

Well as Christians I think we all know that it's not wise to judge a book by its cover. She may very well be a proverbs 31 and the love of your life even though at first glance she doesn't appear to be. In my mind though, I think it should be obvious to you if you have been on several dates with her if your heart is really in it or not. What kind of timeframe are you thinking about?

Well that is the question? People have been talking about the 'friend zone', so whenever your not so sure, perhaps that is the way to go? Then you can take some time to get to know them better and if feelings don't develop, no one gets hurt, (as much) but if the feelings do develop, all the better!

 

[Kaycie]

At the moment we label ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend dating others is off limits for both of us.

 

[A_Friend_In_Christ]

Can 2 people be happy in the "friend zone"?

 

[mystikmind]

Can 2 people be happy in the "friend zone"?

Absolutely! although, it has happened to me in the past, when a woman who was my friend developed stronger feelings for me, and i was not ready to respond to that, it did not end well. Sometimes when a woman gets a crush and falls in love, it is a bit like an unstoppable force that is going to go somewhere one way or another, but definately not stay in the same place!

Often what is true for women can be true for men, but we do try not to admit that to ourselves and try to stay in the friendship and secretly suffer a world of pain. (sometimes women do this too of course).

I suppose it is good emotional exercise to learn to come to terms with an infatuation and stay in the friendship. That will benefit you, because imagine one day if your married, and get an infatuation with another person, you will be better able to resist that.

 

[Ugly]

Usually when i guy mentions 'friendzone' it means 'to be put in a position of not having a chance'. More often than not this also includes indicators that the woman may show reasons to have interest, but still doesn't. Such as 'you're such a good guy, why can't i meet someone like you?'. *blink blink
Typically two people know quickly if there is a level of interest or attraction or not. Of course time is needed to see if this continues and grows or you find out more and don't like what you see.
Also, many times, guys complaining about being friend zoned are watching their interest pine after another guy that either has no interest in her, or is clearly not a good guy.
Its usually the act of the female thinking highly of you 'as a friend' and locking you out of anything more happening, while going after guys you know will not be good for them. Or some kind of similar circumstances.
Friend zone does not mean 'we're just friends', but it is an act of removing a person as an option to consider romantically. 'Friend zone' and 'being friends' are not the same. So while you, and many of your friends, may date someone who is a friend, a friend zone person is a no go, and no more consideration is put into the matter, while not showing any reason to do so.

i can't be more tired of hearing about the "friend-zone".

as i've oft said here (and others too) women date all the time from their friend zone, because the friend zone is very different (usually) for guys.

while guys "friend-zone" chicks they aren't attracted to, women "friend-zone" guys that they don't know well enough to be attracted to, or consider him a "maybe" while they are pursuing a relationship with someone else (as well as other scenarios). but women simply need a lot more time and information to develop attraction.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Well that is the question? People have been talking about the 'friend zone', so whenever your not so sure, perhaps that is the way to go? Then you can take some time to get to know them better and if feelings don't develop, no one gets hurt, (as much) but if the feelings do develop, all the better!

Nothing wrong with that. Just because you dont feel strongly about someone now doesnt mean you won't in the future.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Friend zone does not mean 'we're just friends', but it is an act of removing a person as an option to consider romantically. 'Friend zone' and 'being friends' are not the same. So while you, and many of your friends, may date someone who is a friend, a friend zone person is a no go, and no more consideration is put into the matter, while not showing any reason to do so.

Thats the Barf zone.

 

[mystikmind]

Thats the Barf zone.

Perhaps the friend zone is like the way a satellite orbits the Earth.... Except you orbit the 'friend' you are interested in.... but be warned, there is a very fine line between getting too attracted and burning up in the atmosphere (getting burnt) or drifting out into space (drifting apart)!

 

[Nemakiza]

Originally Posted by gypsygirl

i can't be more tired of hearing about the "friend-zone".

as i've oft said here (and others too) women date all the time from their friend zone, because the friend zone is very different (usually) for guys.

while guys "friend-zone" chicks they aren't attracted to, women "friend-zone" guys that they don't know well enough to be attracted to, or consider him a "maybe" while they are pursuing a relationship with someone else (as well as other scenarios). but women simply need a lot more time and information to develop attraction.

for me, it is absolutely different, I never make men I am romantically involve with as friends. A friend is a friend to me and it is hard to make him my man perhaps by staying far from him while researching him and his life., but not including him in friend zone.

 

[secularhermit]

for me, it is absolutely different, I never make men I am romantically involve with as friends. A friend is a friend to me and it is hard to make him my man perhaps by staying far from him while researching him and his life., but not including him in friend zone.

That´s rare!

I always thought romantic love involved enduring friendship.