Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

[iTOREtheSKY]

Ramblings...prolly long..don't read unless bored.


After a long morning of too much contemplation and thing's that just seem stupid & slightly impossible,I realize with more clarity every single day that I can't do anything in and or of myself.

I'm not even sure I do all that well with giving thing's to God.
I'm at a loss.

I'm not looking for encouraging words or scriptures. I'm just thinking out loud.
Today I just feel tired of being optomistic about where my life is headed,because it is starting to seem more & more that all the dreaful thing's people have thought about me or said about me...the lies that the devil has always brought to me...after a while I just can't help but question & wonder if perhaps maybe I am just a waste of space.

I evaluate my life & mostly what I see are thing's or situations that I could have done thing's better..or right.
I am blown away sometimes when I think about a life that is half over and looking back seeing no fruit,nothing accomplished...just a waste.

Now I sit & imagine a future that could be amazing,but seemingly slips away with each new day & every breath,and I don't even know what to do. I don't feel like this 24/7...but sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I hate that I can't help people in my life whom I love that could use a hand or more...I hate more that I can't seem to help myself. Like feeling I have no footing. Every time I think something is in motion for the good,another glitch pops up to stop any progress.

One other really messed up thing,which really kinda bother's me now at this stupid stage in my life...a point I never thought I'd ever,ever,ever feel or desire...is wanting to be part of or having a family. It's like what the heck??? I'm not even a kid person. I guess now after 2 years of being alone I am missing being married,and wondering if it was the right move to not have children..to not have a family. I could have married women with children in the past,but those relationships didn't work out. I convinced myself I'd have been a terrible Dad...that I was too selfish,that I'd make too many mistakes...I even sought out a mate who didn't want children. I suppose it worked out that my X & I didn't have kids...now being divorced & her back in the UK. The guilt I'd have felt & the distance of not seeing them would have destroyed me for sure.

I dunno...maybe today I am just full of regret. Just feeling bad for myself.
I don't want to go back & change my past...I guess I just want to control my future.
It's selfish,I know.

 

[Misty77]

Ramblings...prolly long..don't read unless bored.


After a long morning of too much contemplation and thing's that just seem stupid & slightly impossible,I realize with more clarity every single day that I can't do anything in and or of myself.

I'm not even sure I do all that well with giving thing's to God.
I'm at a loss.

I'm not looking for encouraging words or scriptures. I'm just thinking out loud.
Today I just feel tired of being optomistic about where my life is headed,because it is starting to seem more & more that all the dreaful thing's people have thought about me or said about me...the lies that the devil has always brought to me...after a while I just can't help but question & wonder if perhaps maybe I am just a waste of space.

I evaluate my life & mostly what I see are thing's or situations that I could have done thing's better..or right.
I am blown away sometimes when I think about a life that is half over and looking back seeing no fruit,nothing accomplished...just a waste.

Now I sit & imagine a future that could be amazing,but seemingly slips away with each new day & every breath,and I don't even know what to do. I don't feel like this 24/7...but sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I hate that I can't help people in my life whom I love that could use a hand or more...I hate more that I can't seem to help myself. Like feeling I have no footing. Every time I think something is in motion for the good,another glitch pops up to stop any progress.

One other really messed up thing,which really kinda bother's me now at this stupid stage in my life...a point I never thought I'd ever,ever,ever feel or desire...is wanting to be part of or having a family. It's like what the heck??? I'm not even a kid person. I guess now after 2 years of being alone I am missing being married,and wondering if it was the right move to not have children..to not have a family. I could have married women with children in the past,but those relationships didn't work out. I convinced myself I'd have been a terrible Dad...that I was too selfish,that I'd make too many mistakes...I even sought out a mate who didn't want children. I suppose it worked out that my X & I didn't have kids...now being divorced & her back in the UK. The guilt I'd have felt & the distance of not seeing them would have destroyed me for sure.

I dunno...maybe today I am just full of regret. Just feeling bad for myself.
I don't want to go back & change my past...I guess I just want to control my future.
It's selfish,I know.

ok, serious hugs coming your way.

You aren't alone through this.

 

[Jullianna]

Pardon me while I plant a few flowers around here.
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of ice and snow!

 

[lil_christian]

Pardon me while I plant a few flowers around here.
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of ice and snow!

View attachment 71883

Pardon me while I join you. Mind if I plant a few vegetables?

 

[DuchessAimee]

This research is taking WAY more time than I thought it would. Being who I am, I feel like I need to do as much research as I can before I start writing anything in earnest. If I write with assumption, I'm going to have to redo it. So taking the time now is better than taking extra time later.



Okay. This logic makes sense. I feel better now.

 

[Searching4Truth]

You know what else taste good? Chocolate.

 

[IloveyouGod]

I was feeling something similar to this today. So hugs for you and me iTOREtheSKY.

Ramblings...prolly long..don't read unless bored.


After a long morning of too much contemplation and thing's that just seem stupid & slightly impossible,I realize with more clarity every single day that I can't do anything in and or of myself.

I'm not even sure I do all that well with giving thing's to God.
I'm at a loss.

I'm not looking for encouraging words or scriptures. I'm just thinking out loud.
Today I just feel tired of being optomistic about where my life is headed,because it is starting to seem more & more that all the dreaful thing's people have thought about me or said about me...the lies that the devil has always brought to me...after a while I just can't help but question & wonder if perhaps maybe I am just a waste of space.

I evaluate my life & mostly what I see are thing's or situations that I could have done thing's better..or right.
I am blown away sometimes when I think about a life that is half over and looking back seeing no fruit,nothing accomplished...just a waste.

Now I sit & imagine a future that could be amazing,but seemingly slips away with each new day & every breath,and I don't even know what to do. I don't feel like this 24/7...but sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I hate that I can't help people in my life whom I love that could use a hand or more...I hate more that I can't seem to help myself. Like feeling I have no footing. Every time I think something is in motion for the good,another glitch pops up to stop any progress.

One other really messed up thing,which really kinda bother's me now at this stupid stage in my life...a point I never thought I'd ever,ever,ever feel or desire...is wanting to be part of or having a family. It's like what the heck??? I'm not even a kid person. I guess now after 2 years of being alone I am missing being married,and wondering if it was the right move to not have children..to not have a family. I could have married women with children in the past,but those relationships didn't work out. I convinced myself I'd have been a terrible Dad...that I was too selfish,that I'd make too many mistakes...I even sought out a mate who didn't want children. I suppose it worked out that my X & I didn't have kids...now being divorced & her back in the UK. The guilt I'd have felt & the distance of not seeing them would have destroyed me for sure.

I dunno...maybe today I am just full of regret. Just feeling bad for myself.
I don't want to go back & change my past...I guess I just want to control my future.
It's selfish,I know.

 

[IloveyouGod]

Like train them how? to do what? Can I train Peanut? He loves playing in the snow too. He disappears in it cuz they're both white!!

snow helps to slow the dissipation of animal scent.

my uncle ran an outfitter/guide school in MT and used the winter to train dogs for that very reason. : )

 

[just_monicat]

Like train them how? to do what? Can I train Peanut? He loves playing in the snow too. He disappears in it cuz they're both white!!

um, only if you're a hunter. i actually hate the practice of hunting with dogs. usually bears and cats.

however, spaniels and retrievers make good fowl hunting dogs.

i'm not sure where peanut falls into that. : )

 

[IloveyouGod]

He's Maltese, so I don't think he would fit. Mind you, he has very strong personality. IF he sees I'm around he aggressively barks at other dogs especially those who are double his size!!!!! And if I'm not around n' a dog is passing him, he will pretend he doesn't see the other dog to save his dignity. He'll glance quickly at the other dog n' keep going. He does that with me too, if I'm instructing him to do something n' he doesn't like it, he'll give me his back n' glance at me with the corner of his eye to show me he's ignoring me!!!!! N' I'm like Peanut, you're dead!!!!!

um, only if you're a hunter. i actually hate the practice of hunting with dogs. usually bears and cats.

however, spaniels and retrievers make good fowl hunting dogs.

i'm not sure where peanut falls into that. : )

 

[IloveyouGod]

The Son of God movie is in theaters here. Did it hit the American theaters or not yet? The trailer is GREAT!! I really wanna go see it, but I can't watch the torturing and crucifixion part. I remember when I watched the Passion of Christ, I kept crying!!

 

[ww_21]

The Son of God movie is in theaters here. Did it hit the American theaters or not yet? The trailer is GREAT!! I really wanna go see it, but I can't watch the torturing and crucifixion part. I remember when I watched the Passion of Christ, I kept crying!!

I wanna see it as well. It looks amazing. I can relate to the passion of Christ thing.. I couldn't finish it.. it was too brutal for me.

 

[IloveyouGod]

Google The Son of God movie and you can watch the trailer. Maybe it's in theaters in Trinidad? I don't know.

P.S. how are you doing? I haven't stopped praying for you. I'm here if you'd like to talk at anytime.

I wanna see it as well. It looks amazing. I can relate to the passion of Christ thing.. I couldn't finish it.. it was too brutal for me.

 

[lil_christian]

I'm going to ask kind of a different guy/girl question - it may vary from guy to guy, but I'm curious.

Do guys realize simply by looking at a woman that she respects herself? Like, in the way she presents herself. For example, when you walk into a room, she has good posture, but it's not forced, she's not ramrod straight. It's very natural. So it's basically how she carries herself, and not just modesty/immodesty. Not wanting to go into that issue. If so, do you see it right off the bat? Or would you not notice until approaching/talking to her, assuming that you do approach her and engage in conversation with her.

This question purely out of curiosity and I'm asking simply because I was watching a romance movie (last non-Christian romance movie I'll ever watch. Yuck. Ick. Blech!!) and a girl was complaining about how guys treated her once before and why she looked at them so cheaply. As I said. Last time I'll ever watch that kinda movie. As in...never ever ever. Ever. I mean, there were no graphic scenes. But I still wasn't a fan. It was kinda like, "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But you're really hot. JUST KISS ME ALREADY!!"
Anyways, I wondered if it was because she didn't respect herself or she just represented herself in a way that attracted guys with those tendencies. Not saying she made the guy do it. It was purely up to the guy on whether he harassed her or not. No matter how someone dresses and carries themselves. But...if they don't carry themselves in a confident manner, is it going to attract the wrong type of guy, because they notice it, too?

Just to be clear - This is not about being a victim of harassment and who made who do what. Neither is it about modesty/immodesty. So please don't make it into that kind of thing. Thank you.

 

[ww_21]

Google The Son of God movie and you can watch the trailer. Maybe it's in theaters in Trinidad? I don't know.

P.S. how are you doing? I haven't stopped praying for you. I'm here if you'd like to talk at anytime.

I have seen the trailer which is why I wanna see the movie it looks like it's going to be great!! It's not here yet, probably by next week. I can't wait!

 

[CatHerder]

I'm going to ask kind of a different guy/girl question - it may vary from guy to guy, but I'm curious.

Do guys realize simply by looking at a woman that she respects herself? Like, in the way she presents herself. For example, when you walk into a room, she has good posture, but it's not forced, she's not ramrod straight. It's very natural. So it's basically how she carries herself, and not just modesty/immodesty. Not wanting to go into that issue. If so, do you see it right off the bat? Or would you not notice until approaching/talking to her, assuming that you do approach her and engage in conversation with her.

This question purely out of curiosity and I'm asking simply because I was watching a romance movie (last non-Christian romance movie I'll ever watch. Yuck. Ick. Blech!!) and a girl was complaining about how guys treated her once before and why she looked at them so cheaply. As I said. Last time I'll ever watch that kinda movie. As in...never ever ever. Ever. I mean, there were no graphic scenes. But I still wasn't a fan. It was kinda like, "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But you're really hot. JUST KISS ME ALREADY!!"
Anyways, I wondered if it was because she didn't respect herself or she just represented herself in a way that attracted guys with those tendencies. Not saying she made the guy do it. It was purely up to the guy on whether he harassed her or not. No matter how someone dresses and carries themselves. But...if they don't carry themselves in a confident manner, is it going to attract the wrong type of guy, because they notice it, too?

Just to be clear - This is not about being a victim of harassment and who made who do what. Neither is it about modesty/immodesty. So please don't make it into that kind of thing. Thank you.

methinks you should start a new thread with this.

 

[lil_christian]

methinks you should start a new thread with this.

Okay. I think I'll copy/paste my original thing. I didn't think it was worthy of starting a thread, but maybe it is.

 

[lil_christian]

I'm going to ask kind of a different guy/girl question - it may vary from guy to guy, but I'm curious.

Do guys realize simply by looking at a woman that she respects herself? Like, in the way she presents herself. For example, when you walk into a room, she has good posture, but it's not forced, she's not ramrod straight. It's very natural. So it's basically how she carries herself, and not just modesty/immodesty. Not wanting to go into that issue. If so, do you see it right off the bat? Or would you not notice until approaching/talking to her, assuming that you do approach her and engage in conversation with her.

This question purely out of curiosity and I'm asking simply because I was watching a romance movie (last non-Christian romance movie I'll ever watch. Yuck. Ick. Blech!!) and a girl was complaining about how guys treated her once before and why she looked at them so cheaply. As I said. Last time I'll ever watch that kinda movie. As in...never ever ever. Ever. I mean, there were no graphic scenes. But I still wasn't a fan. It was kinda like, "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But you're really hot. JUST KISS ME ALREADY!!"
Anyways, I wondered if it was because she didn't respect herself or she just represented herself in a way that attracted guys with those tendencies. Not saying she made the guy do it. It was purely up to the guy on whether he harassed her or not. No matter how someone dresses and carries themselves. But...if they don't carry themselves in a confident manner, is it going to attract the wrong type of guy, because they notice it, too?

Just to be clear - This is not about being a victim of harassment and who made who do what. Neither is it about modesty/immodesty. So please don't make it into that kind of thing. Thank you.

Okay. If you want to answer this question, please click the link below.

http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/85293-curiosity-killed-cat.html#post1405970

 

[PopClick]

I hope it's okay that I post this here. I just need to get something off my chest. I could post it in the confession thread but I would prefer to post it here since this conversation keeps going on and on so the chances of me having to re read this in a few weeks is very slim.

Some of you may know that on September 14th my 17 year old cousin Nick committed suicide. What you don't know is that every day since it happened I blamed myself for it and I have never been able to forgive myself. There were rumors about him being gay going around the family and he was being excluded from family gatherings because of it and I said nothing.

Truth is, I was too wrapped up in my own life. Just two days before he took his own life, my mind ran on him and I was going to call him but I never did. I was too busy spending time with the people directly around me, my boyfriend, wasting time doing silly things like playing games or watching movies or reading. I wasted so much time when I should have set aside five minutes to call him and see how he was doing.

I kept saying "tomorrow" and tomorrow never came for us. I wish I had called him and asked about the rumors and even if they were true I would have told him that I still loved him and that I would always love him and that I will always be there for him no matter what anyone else says to him because he was abandoned by everyone in the family. Truth is he was abused as a child and I can relate to that so I feel guilty for never reaching out to him. I know being gay is wrong but I could have never judged him for it, that's God's job. Mine is to love him unconditionally because he was a child who needed someone to love him and I feel as if I failed him.

I wish I had made that call. I will never forget that on September 14th at around 4:00 pm my cousin called and told me that Nick had hung himself. At first it didn't register so I said "ok" and I hung up. Then the tears began pouring and I called her back and asked "Is he dead?" and she said "yes" and I had to break the news to everyone in my house.

I was so shocked because he was always a boy who refused to let the world get him down. When he was born his father and mother abandoned him and refused to care for him so my mother was the one who took care of him financially while he lived with my grand dad. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he came to live with us? Would he still be alive? What would his life be like if I had made that one call? I can remember it all like it was yesterday.

I remember what I was wearing when I found out, I remember what I wore to go see his father, my uncle that night. It's something that I can never forget. I remember the funeral because it was my first burial and I was so angry because I looked at him and I did not recognize him. He looked different and it rained that day so much. I remember the rituals and everything that was done, and I remember coming home and tearing everything I was wearing off and throwing it away because it felt dirty and wrong, it felt wrong that he was dead and I was trying to get rid of the memories.

I did not sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes I saw him lying there in that casket. I laid in bed all night with the lights on till the sun came out and that made me angry too, I was angry because the sun came out and it was such a beautiful day and it was perfect out as if nothing bad happened the day before. I felt as if the would should be morning that this boy took his own life because nobody cared enough to reach out.

Even now, I sit here and I wonder to myself what if I made that call? What if I had spoken to him? Would it have helped? Would he still be alive? This guilt... is something I carry around with me every day of my life. Sometimes I feel as if I see him, be it across the street, in a store, I see glimpses of him everywhere. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me and that he's gone but it's so hard to let go.

Sometimes I feel as if God is punishing me for being selfish and not reaching out to my cousin because after he died, so many bad things began happening. After he died about 11 other people died that year and it was just the same scenario on repeat over and over again including my best friend in October. Maybe God is really angry at me for being selfish and not saving my cousin which is why I am having such a hard time with life right now?

I don't know.. I just wish I reached out to him.

WW_21, please forgive yourself. Please. What would you tell a close friend who was in your situation? Would you tell them that nothing else can be gained by continuing to beat themselves up over what happened?

I'm not telling you to forget about it. You probably couldn't if you tried. But please forgive yourself.

 

[ww_21]

WW_21, please forgive yourself. Please. What would you tell a close friend who was in your situation? Would you tell them that nothing else can be gained by continuing to beat themselves up over what happened?

I'm not telling you to forget about it. You probably couldn't if you tried. But please forgive yourself.

Pop.. I never thought of it that way... "What would I do if it were a friend dealing with this" I guess I would also want them to let it go and forgive themselves. I never.... thought of it like that. You just changed my perspective on things. Thanks sis.