A
DISCLAIMER:LONG STORY
Pray for me.You are my only hope.
So.I am the worst person on earth.I have turned my back to God a zillion times.Still,His "forgiveness" always makes me turn back.But now,I feel betrayed.
So,one day I got angry at God.I started shouting at him,cursing in front of His face,saying to Him how pain He has brought to my life and how I hate the fact that He is letting me live.I mean,I am a sinner and miserable,SMITE me already.So,I suddenly realized that I needed Him the most.I started doing some work now.For serious.I prayed,I was battling with my laziness(Call me nuts)because I could not read the Bible so often so I just read 5 chapters each day.Baby steps,you know.So,one day,I wanted to tell God how I loved him.I called him "Dad"(Yes I know,disrespectful-But I did not mean it to be disrespectful)and for 3 days in a row I was asking him to manifest His love for me.Make me feel His love.Nothing.He just left me there.Crying out of hopelessness.I cried for mercy.Nothing.
You see,I am hopeless because I battle with my mind.I have immoral thoughts.Ultra blasphemous thoughts about God,even sexual ones(I have a particular one about Jesus-Can you fking believe it?)I am disgusting.I am a POS.So,I told to my-self,"God abandoned you,He does not give a sh!t about you.He turned his back to you because you are pathetic".I cried for mercy.I cried to Him to love me.To take me a hug or something.I felt betrayed.I started telling Him how cruel He is and what a monster He is.I started blaspheming like crazy and then,I turned to my addiction.The addiction which was the beginning of the sexual blasphemous thoughts that have ruined me-Pornography.Why?Because sin is a refuge for me.Sin likes me.Sin does not think that I am piece of sh!t and does not play with my feelings.Sin makes me feel something that is above "worthless and sh!t".But I feel a warm presence in my room.Which makes me calm.Dunno what it is.But this presence feels good.It actually feels like God.But I am ALMOST done.God is a cruel,mazochistic monster who likes to play with my feelings.[I cried everyday for every sin I have made-From blasphemy to worshiping myself(buddhism)to occult to Pornography.)Even thought I am free of these satanic religions,these thoughts of mine make me feel CONDEMNED and abandoned in my trial.These thoughts are telling me,"God abandoned you."There is a little voice in my head.I do not know if It is me,God or this bastard Satan.This voice condemns me and never encourages me to do sh!t.It reminds me of everyone in my life.I try to be the best I can and everyone treats me like sh!t.So,I feel this presence as I said above.This presence is calling me back to God.I feel it.But I cannot.The way I imagine God is a loving(only for his people)Judge who likes to play with people's feeling.A cruel God.
Last night,I felt a hole in my soul.I felt something devouring it.Satan won.He devoured me.Sin is dragging me to hell and I hate every minute.I actually forgave my enemy(Satan)although I kinda hate him,He has something that I will never have.Determination.Although he is determined to devour me(and he did)I wish I was more determined to follow God.But God is cruel and sin is not.Sin feels warm and nice.God is cruel and away from me.
Now why am I talking to you?Because "Christians" have a relationship with God.Although I do not like Christians because all of the christians I have met are frauds.All of them were making fun at me with their attitude.That prideful attitude that they are better than me because they know God better than I do.They make me feel like trash.But I still have a spark of hope that a genuine "Christian" will appear,pray for me and persuade God to reveal a glimpse of his love.
I am hopeless.I am alone.Sin is dragging me to hell and I cannot seem to have enough of it because I am such an idiot that I actually like it and Satan devoured me.
Help.
Pray for me.You are my only hope.
So.I am the worst person on earth.I have turned my back to God a zillion times.Still,His "forgiveness" always makes me turn back.But now,I feel betrayed.
So,one day I got angry at God.I started shouting at him,cursing in front of His face,saying to Him how pain He has brought to my life and how I hate the fact that He is letting me live.I mean,I am a sinner and miserable,SMITE me already.So,I suddenly realized that I needed Him the most.I started doing some work now.For serious.I prayed,I was battling with my laziness(Call me nuts)because I could not read the Bible so often so I just read 5 chapters each day.Baby steps,you know.So,one day,I wanted to tell God how I loved him.I called him "Dad"(Yes I know,disrespectful-But I did not mean it to be disrespectful)and for 3 days in a row I was asking him to manifest His love for me.Make me feel His love.Nothing.He just left me there.Crying out of hopelessness.I cried for mercy.Nothing.
You see,I am hopeless because I battle with my mind.I have immoral thoughts.Ultra blasphemous thoughts about God,even sexual ones(I have a particular one about Jesus-Can you fking believe it?)I am disgusting.I am a POS.So,I told to my-self,"God abandoned you,He does not give a sh!t about you.He turned his back to you because you are pathetic".I cried for mercy.I cried to Him to love me.To take me a hug or something.I felt betrayed.I started telling Him how cruel He is and what a monster He is.I started blaspheming like crazy and then,I turned to my addiction.The addiction which was the beginning of the sexual blasphemous thoughts that have ruined me-Pornography.Why?Because sin is a refuge for me.Sin likes me.Sin does not think that I am piece of sh!t and does not play with my feelings.Sin makes me feel something that is above "worthless and sh!t".But I feel a warm presence in my room.Which makes me calm.Dunno what it is.But this presence feels good.It actually feels like God.But I am ALMOST done.God is a cruel,mazochistic monster who likes to play with my feelings.[I cried everyday for every sin I have made-From blasphemy to worshiping myself(buddhism)to occult to Pornography.)Even thought I am free of these satanic religions,these thoughts of mine make me feel CONDEMNED and abandoned in my trial.These thoughts are telling me,"God abandoned you."There is a little voice in my head.I do not know if It is me,God or this bastard Satan.This voice condemns me and never encourages me to do sh!t.It reminds me of everyone in my life.I try to be the best I can and everyone treats me like sh!t.So,I feel this presence as I said above.This presence is calling me back to God.I feel it.But I cannot.The way I imagine God is a loving(only for his people)Judge who likes to play with people's feeling.A cruel God.
Last night,I felt a hole in my soul.I felt something devouring it.Satan won.He devoured me.Sin is dragging me to hell and I hate every minute.I actually forgave my enemy(Satan)although I kinda hate him,He has something that I will never have.Determination.Although he is determined to devour me(and he did)I wish I was more determined to follow God.But God is cruel and sin is not.Sin feels warm and nice.God is cruel and away from me.
Now why am I talking to you?Because "Christians" have a relationship with God.Although I do not like Christians because all of the christians I have met are frauds.All of them were making fun at me with their attitude.That prideful attitude that they are better than me because they know God better than I do.They make me feel like trash.But I still have a spark of hope that a genuine "Christian" will appear,pray for me and persuade God to reveal a glimpse of his love.
I am hopeless.I am alone.Sin is dragging me to hell and I cannot seem to have enough of it because I am such an idiot that I actually like it and Satan devoured me.
Help.