Is looking at porn cheating?

[MsKy]

I have a dear friend who caught her husband looking at porn recently. She's lovely and so is he. They are really a great couple who have been married about 5 years. She called me because at one time we went to church together and she was in my small group. I don't feel qualified to answer her questions and I referred her to a Christian marriage counselor. However… I asked her this.

Is he addicted or is he just being stupid? If he's addicted, he really needs help. If he's just sinning to sin and being a selfish jerk, maybe that would be easier to deal with. ?? (I'm in no way belittling her hurt or the horrible effects of porn on marriages and minds).

She felt like he was cheating and wanted to leave. I told her that I didn't think it is the same thing. Adultery is the act. I know… Christ says not to even look at a woman with lust. I really don't think that I would respond the same if I saw my husband checking out a pretty girl as I would if he had an affair. I believe that Christ is speaking to the nature of sin, how what we think we eventually act on.

It was concerning that she is so quick to want to leave. There is so much to a marriage that I don't claim to know theirs but I encouraged her to stay, to forgive and to seek out the root of what is happening and why. I also encouraged her not to use sex as a tool. It's a part of marriage and shouldn't be used to reward or punish a spouse.

What do you think? I'm not asking about this situation specifically, but what qualifies as adultery?

 

[ForthAngel]

Jesus says: But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So yes. It is cheating.

But Jesus also said: Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

I don't have any good advice. I personally wouldn't leave my girlfriend (when we're married or now) if she was watching porn. It would be something that we'd have to figure out and get past. Find some resolve. If she slept with someone else physically is a different story. Even still, I know people who have worked through marriages after physical adultery. The counseling was the best advice I think you could give her if you don't feel qualified.

 

[PeterJens]

I have a dear friend who caught her husband looking at porn recently.

The problem most males have is desire and release. Porn is often used to create release.
It is also a stepping stone to other relationships, fantasy, living another life where stimulation is all that matters and not people or love.

Porn is a problem because it is sex with another but as a viewer. It destroys something pure and good we have in our souls and feeds a whole industry which eats up people and puts them into real slavery.

Inside oneself the step to a sexual response seems so natural because of how we work to stimulus. I would say every male on the planet has to discover their way of dealing with these issues, but porn is like poison, like a drug in the vein. At all costs it should be avoided, but we can often stumble. Like all addictions, the addict needs support and good communication.

I have seen marriages destroyed by porn, and others where it is worked through.
For most if they understand what the issues are it can be contained, but for some it is the end of any functional relationships. Bottom line, it cannot be ignored, it needs to be loving worked through. Unfortunately it could also be something much bigger than is first seen, no matter how nice they are on the surface it destroys the soul.

 

[sassylady]

As a woman I can say I certainly felt cheated on when my former husband looked at porn and pictures on the computer. He didn't touch but his heart was obviously not fully committed to me.

 

[coby]

It is, but it totally depends if someone wants to be set free from it or not. I didn't see it personal. It was just some stupid demons, but he asked me to pray for him. Another guy I later dated didn't want deliverance prayer and just keep watching it. God told me to get out of that relationship now in the Name of Jesus.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

Maybe there are other things too that make her want to leave and that was the last drop?

I would feel unwanted if I had a man and he felt I wasn't enough (because basically that is what porn is about if you use it while in a relationship, isn't it?)

 

[Dan58]

What do you think? I'm not asking about this situation specifically, but what qualifies as adultery?

I think you answered her question appropriately. I don't think looking at porn is 'literally' cheating, nor is it grounds for divorce. Its just a case of lust. I'm guessing it hurt your friends ego more than anything else, but the sin wasn't against her, it was his desire or wish for something more or something else. As long as he maintains a 'look but don't touch' discipline, I don't think the marriage is technically violated, although its certainly not a good sign or appropriate for a husband or wife to be looking for sexual gratification outside of their own marriage.

 

[Jak795]

The problem most males have is desire and release. Porn is often used to create release.
It is also a stepping stone to other relationships, fantasy, living another life where stimulation is all that matters and not people or love.

Porn is a problem because it is sex with another but as a viewer. It destroys something pure and good we have in our souls and feeds a whole industry which eats up people and puts them into real slavery.

Inside oneself the step to a sexual response seems so natural because of how we work to stimulus. I would say every male on the planet has to discover their way of dealing with these issues, but porn is like poison, like a drug in the vein. At all costs it should be avoided, but we can often stumble. Like all addictions, the addict needs support and good communication.

I have seen marriages destroyed by porn, and others where it is worked through.
For most if they understand what the issues are it can be contained, but for some it is the end of any functional relationships. Bottom line, it cannot be ignored, it needs to be loving worked through. Unfortunately it could also be something much bigger than is first seen, no matter how nice they are on the surface it destroys the soul.

Not only that, but you're supporting a hideous and illegal crime ring with watching pornography. Human trafficking. The porn business is extremely shady. In fact, if it was anymore shady, it would be pitch black.

I saw a report on the news of women getting abducted and forced into prostitution, porn, and into other dirty acts against their will.

 

[coby]

Maybe there are other things too that make her want to leave and that was the last drop?

I would feel unwanted if I had a man and he felt I wasn't enough (because basically that is what porn is about if you use it while in a relationship, isn't it?)

I don't think it's that simple. A lot get to see that filth as a 13 year old and then it's just like drugs or cigarettes.

 

[Jak795]

I don't think it's that simple. A lot get to see that filth as a 13 year old and then it's just like drugs or cigarettes.

I respectfully disagree. It's not really an addiction straight away like from watching, what really starts the potential addiction if how easily you can obtain it. That, and at that age. Most people don't really have that much self control.

 

[coby]

I respectfully disagree. It's not really an addiction straight away like from watching, what really starts the potential addiction if how easily you can obtain it. That, and at that age. Most people don't really have that much self control.

That guy I dated told me he got it in a video shop from an old pervert when he was 13 and he said it was very traumatic. I think it's child abuse if kids get to see it. They have no idea what to expect, think it's funny maybe or want to fit in. It is quite sick that I have to warn my 9 year old to never ever watch something with sex or anything for fun when they're with friends maybe alone in the future.

 

[Dino246]

I asked a Christian counselor with decades of experience a related question... in dealing with women whose husbands have both looked at porn and committed literal, physical adultery, does the wife perceive the impact the same way?

He said, "Yes."

 

[PennEd]

Porn affects male brains in a horrible way. I'm not an expert on how exactly, but apparently neural pathways of addiction can be formed after even a single viewing. ***THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE!*** It is an explanation. I can tell you in my case it was not possible for me in my own power to stop. And I promise you I tried. Not only has the Lord enabled me to stop, but He has removed even the desire to watch it. The key for me is to daily remind myself of what Jesus has done for me.

But make no mistake. It IS DESTRUCTIVE in many ways.Kinda reminds me of those people that think pot isn't destructive. Just one more thing to thank the Lord for is that my wife, whom I badly hurt, stayed with me through it all.

So I believe your friends husband must give this to Jesus so he can be free of it.

 

[ForthAngel]

Porn affects male brains in a horrible way. I'm not an expert on how exactly, but apparently neural pathways of addiction can be formed after even a single viewing. ***THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE!*** It is an explanation. I can tell you in my case it was not possible for me in my own power to stop. And I promise you I tried. Not only has the Lord enabled me to stop, but He has removed even the desire to watch it. The key for me is to daily remind myself of what Jesus has done for me.

But make no mistake. It IS DESTRUCTIVE in many ways.Kinda reminds me of those people that think pot isn't destructive. Just one more thing to thank the Lord for is that my wife, whom I badly hurt, stayed with me through it all.

So I believe your friends husband must give this to Jesus so he can be free of it.

It literally rewires brains like you said by creating and destroying neural pathways. It's one of the most powerful addictions, even beyond most drugs. It even releases endorphins and floods the system with dopamine just like cocaine or meth, so when the dopamine tries to stabilize, it plummets to lower than normal levels. That causes depression and the desire for more porn. It works exactly like a drug. I was introduced at an extremely young age to it and can account for the damage it does to one psychologically and socially. It makes interpersonal relationships impossible.

Like you said, the only way to be free is in Christ. This is one of the more toxic sins (like most sexual sins) we can commit and you can feel the heaviness of death that comes with it once the addiction begins.

I hope we can all remember this guy when we pray, that he would be set free, if in fact it is a habitual thing and not just a one time curiosity. Chances are this has been going on for a long time though.

The best way to stop this addiction is to have the word permeate your very being. Read and study daily. Fellowship daily with other Christians if possible. Pray daily. Give up things that may be triggers, like certain movies. Avoid triggers like it's death itself. Be accountable to someone.

The battle can be won, and I hope God brings this guy out of it and keeps their marriage in tact. We shouldn't forget to pray for his wife as well, that she will be strengthened and able to show the love of God to her husband and not hate him for it.

 

[Thanatos]

Yes. Not all cheating is physical. In fact, physical cheating (exclusively) is easier to forsake and repair from than other types of cheating.

I'm kind of on the fence if this is what the Lord was talking about when He says adultery is grounds for divorce. He may mean physical only cheating or He may mean any type of cheating. I've studied and have yet to definitely say I've been led to a particular side.

 

[resurrection33]

I have a dear friend who caught her husband looking at porn recently. She's lovely and so is he. They are really a great couple who have been married about 5 years. She called me because at one time we went to church together and she was in my small group. I don't feel qualified to answer her questions and I referred her to a Christian marriage counselor. However… I asked her this.

Is he addicted or is he just being stupid? If he's addicted, he really needs help. If he's just sinning to sin and being a selfish jerk, maybe that would be easier to deal with. ?? (I'm in no way belittling her hurt or the horrible effects of porn on marriages and minds).

She felt like he was cheating and wanted to leave. I told her that I didn't think it is the same thing. Adultery is the act. I know… Christ says not to even look at a woman with lust. I really don't think that I would respond the same if I saw my husband checking out a pretty girl as I would if he had an affair. I believe that Christ is speaking to the nature of sin, how what we think we eventually act on.

It was concerning that she is so quick to want to leave. There is so much to a marriage that I don't claim to know theirs but I encouraged her to stay, to forgive and to seek out the root of what is happening and why. I also encouraged her not to use sex as a tool. It's a part of marriage and shouldn't be used to reward or punish a spouse.

What do you think? I'm not asking about this situation specifically, but what qualifies as adultery?

Yes, looking at porn is cheating - it is a sin:

But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt 5:28 RSV

 

[santuzza]

Quick answer: yes, it is cheating.

 

[Angela53510]

Porn absolutely is cheating, and right now it is an epidemic in the Western world. Over 50% of evangelical men are addicted to porn, and among pastors the rate is even higher!

Once a person starts, it is difficult to stop. Tell this woman to ask her husband to stop, and put parental controls in the computer. He probably won't agree, because he is addicted.

Think about whether you would want your spouse watching other women, naked and performing sex acts, etc. That's pretty disgusting.

But it there is hope in Christ. Her husband needs an accountability partner, and maybe a Christian group to go to. The men just started one in my church, to support one another in getting free from this sin. We took an entire unit in seminary on this topic. I was naive and shocked when we first started learning about how widespread porn is within the church. But the professor certainly more than proved what a curse it is, and all the ways men, especially pastors can find help. Which is not to say that women can't fall pray to this evil, it's just more common among men.

 

[MollyConnor]

Yes, I believe it's cheating.

 

[coby]

Porn absolutely is cheating, and right now it is an epidemic in the Western world. Over 50% of evangelical men are addicted to porn, and among pastors the rate is even higher!

Once a person starts, it is difficult to stop. Tell this woman to ask her husband to stop, and put parental controls in the computer. He probably won't agree, because he is addicted.

Think about whether you would want your spouse watching other women, naked and performing sex acts, etc. That's pretty disgusting.

But it there is hope in Christ. Her husband needs an accountability partner, and maybe a Christian group to go to. The men just started one in my church, to support one another in getting free from this sin. We took an entire unit in seminary on this topic. I was naive and shocked when we first started learning about how widespread porn is within the church. But the professor certainly more than proved what a curse it is, and all the ways men, especially pastors can find help. Which is not to say that women can't fall pray to this evil, it's just more common among men.

My ex was a pastor. He went to Canada to a pastors and leaders seminar. It was about porn and looking at other women. Half of the crowd went to the front for prayer.