Ok to have opposite sex friends while dating?

[marchfish]

Hi all.
I'm new on here.
What are your opinions about having same sex friends while you are dating someone? Here is the situation I was in. I was dating a Christian man for a year, he is very outgoing and tends to have more female friends than guy friends. He would have conversations via text with these girls. One was a Christian woman who I met, another one was a female coworker that's a non Christian. I didn't feel comfortable with this. We broke up over it. He thinks that I have trust issues. Maybe I do, but I don't think you should take risks like that with something that you value, your relationship/the person you love. It seems there are two different view points, or types of people out there. I tend to be on the conservative side. In my opinion, having private conversations via phone or text is a no, no.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I would not date a man who had mostly female friends. He can be outgoing and still have guy friends you know.

I dont think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex when your dating, but if you do make sure there really ugly.

 

[Ugly]

Dating isn't marriage. You're still free to do anything you want to. Now if the relationship becomes a long term, committed thing, where marriage seems to becoming more imminent, then i'd still say opposite sex friends are ok, but more consideration for your partner, and doing more to put yourself in less potentially negative predicament would be wise. Maybe if you want to hang out with opposite sex friends, bring your partner along so there's no miscommunication, or jealousy's. But if its a newer relationship i am not going to run off and ditch my friends for someone i just started dating. What happens if a month down the road you break up? Now you have no partner and no friends.

 

[Jullianna]

If I can't, I'm in big trouble, as due to the nature of my work environment, most of my friends are guys. I would have to completely change my life just to date someone. Then again, I don't see myself dating anyone who isn't confident enough to handle that. Besides, if you wanted to date a friend of the opposite sex, wouldn't you be dating them instead of the person you ARE dating? Doesn't compute in my brain.

I think the only time it becomes an issue is when one of them has always wanted to date the person you are dating and tries to cause problems between the two of you for reasons of their own. That usually comes to light rather quickly if people are paying attention though.

 

[Jullianna]

Grrr at the timer thingie...

One thing I've found helpful is to keep the two things separate and not discuss your gf/bf with your friends of the opposite sex.

 

[marchfish]

Thanks for the comments. To reply to alll of them.
Yes, I know dating isn't marriage. But I was in a committed long term relationship with him. I believe dating is preparation for marriage, otherwise I wouldn't have been dating him for that long.


"Then again, I don't see myself dating anyone who isn't confident enough to handle that. Besides, if you wanted to date a friend of the opposite sex, wouldn't you be dating them instead of the person you ARE dating? Doesn't compute in my brain.

I think the only time it becomes an issue is when one of them has always wanted to date the person you are dating and tries to cause problems between the two of you for reasons of their own. That usually comes to light rather quickly if people are paying attention though."

I don't think it's an issue of confidence, but I don't trust the women he's texting. I can't see myself texting a guy coworker that has a gf, or wife. That's asking for trouble. I wouldn't even go there.

Don't discuss your gf/bf with opposite sex friends? How are they going to know that you are off limits? For me, I take my relationships seriously and am a loyal person. Is there anyone out there that agrees with my point of view?!!!

 

[LightningClap0002]

Grrr at the timer thingie...

One thing I've found helpful is to keep the two things separate and not discuss your gf/bf with your friends of the opposite sex.

Lost one of my closest friends, and caused her a world of pain because of this exact issue. One thing I wish I could have learned the easy way instead of the hard way.

 

[Oncefallen]

If I can't, I'm in big trouble, as due to the nature of my work environment, most of my friends are guys. I would have to completely change my life just to date someone. Then again, I don't see myself dating anyone who isn't confident enough to handle that. Besides, if you wanted to date a friend of the opposite sex, wouldn't you be dating them instead of the person you ARE dating? Doesn't compute in my brain.

I think the only time it becomes an issue is when one of them has always wanted to date the person you are dating and tries to cause problems between the two of you for reasons of their own. That usually comes to light rather quickly if people are paying attention though.

I agree Jullianna, my way of thinking is that if I don't trust a woman, I shouldn't be with her. That's coming from a man who has been cheated on twice. All that proves is that I've placed my trust in two women that I shouldn't have, not that I shouldn't trust another woman. Interestingly enough both of these women were insanely jealous.

 

[Jullianna]

Oncefallen, it does seem like people who are unfaithful tend to be overly possessive and have issues with trusting others. Maybe this comes from thinking other people will behave the same way they do.

Oh, and I didn't mean that people shouldn't tell friends of the opposite sex that they are in a committed relationship, I just meant they shouldn't spill their guts to them about that person because I've seen that lead to serious trouble many times. I broke up with a guy for doing that myself. It destroys intimacy.

 

[LightningClap0002]

Oncefallen, it does seem like people who are unfaithful tend to be overly possessive and have issues with trusting others. Maybe this comes from thinking other people will behave the same way they do.

Oh, and I didn't mean that people shouldn't tell friends of the opposite sex that they are in a committed relationship, I just meant they shouldn't spill their guts to them about that person because I've seen that lead to serious trouble many times. I broke up with a guy for doing that myself. It destroys intimacy.

Yes, very much so; the intimacy and the trust. Almost comparable to emotional cheating.

 

[AnandaHya]

never say bad things about your significant other except to God.

that has been my policy. if it is something he does that really bothers me. I pray about it and either let it go or talk to HIM directly.

I don't believe we should talk about our problems with our loved one with anyone else. we don't call out their faults and trangressions. we don't lie about it but something you should resolve yourself and not pull another person into private matters.

people don't need to know about certain things.

i don't mind my husband having female friends and he doesn't mind my male friends because we trust one another.

However I would have been upset if he spent his time when we were first dating texting other girls.

I can understand look at the text and seeing if it was really important or what not, but not responding unless the girl was suicidal or something and if she means that much to him, I would definitely want to meet her and see if she thinks of him only as a friend or something more.

Personally I would rather trust others and risk having my heart broken then to live in suspicion and paranoia . I don't care if I look like a fool. I would rather be played and realize it later then to hurt someone by not trusting them and jealously assuming the worse of them.

I guess i would rather believe that their better natures will prevail and they will overcome the temptation another woman might present them because of their love and respect for men, then worry that they are unfaithful or might be in their heart or mind.

I would rather strengthen them and tell them that I have faith in them and be disappointed then to weaken them by showing them a lack in faith in them by doubting their love for me.

either he is faithful and you trust him. or he is not and you break it off.

personally my friends would never date a guy who has a girlfriend, well except for one but she would flirt with anything with a Y chromosome....

I would expect his friends to be the same. plus as Julianna said if they were going to date, then why didn't they before he met you?

i do feel uncomfortable with him hanging out with old girlfriends but then lol he doesn't want me hanging out with my ex's either so we respect each other in that way.


anyway with that said, does it bother that he texts this girls at all or that he does it with you right there?

what do you mean by this statement?

" In my opinion, having private conversations via phone or text is a no, no."

you only have private conversations in person or that he doesn't have female friends at all?

 

[VikkiKate89]

I think anyone who cares if you have friends of the opposite sex is not worth dating to begin with. Trust plays a huge role in any relationship, and if you're so insecure that you can't stand your partner having friends of the opposite sex, you shouldn't be dating.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Personally I think that there should be compromise on both sides maybe? I totally understand how you could be uncomfortable, I would be too. But the thing is, maybe he should be to the girls, "Ok my girlfriend is uncomfortable with us hanging all the time so maybe they're'll be certain days that will be just me and her." And it's never a good idea to have mostly female friends because there's always the likely hood that one liked him and he had no idea, or it's easy for him to hang out with someone after fights who is a girl and start to lean more toward them. It can be unconsciously done too, but best to stay away from that temptation.

 

[CC_Bride]

Yes I agree with others. A man with too many female friends and no solid friendships with other men were a deal breaker for me when I was dating with the exception being that the man was at LEAST pursuing male led friendship or social involvement. Some men, of course are quite natural around women and that could be because they grew up with a lot of sisters or still maintain a fantastic relationship with his mother and sisters like my husband.

The friends with opposite sex should have boundaries. Obviously they are more flexible when single but it becomes more strict during the duration of a courtship and marriage, which is why it is important for the guy to have male friends to lean on primarily more than female friends.

 

[Stuey]

Oncefallen, it does seem like people who are unfaithful tend to be overly possessive and have issues with trusting others. Maybe this comes from thinking other people will behave the same way they do.

Oh, and I didn't mean that people shouldn't tell friends of the opposite sex that they are in a committed relationship, I just meant they shouldn't spill their guts to them about that person because I've seen that lead to serious trouble many times. I broke up with a guy for doing that myself. It destroys intimacy.

I feel this may be wise.

I feel like there is a problem if you can't have friendships with the opposite sex, there seems to be insecurity, and really just... something profoundly wrong about it. Having said this, I can understand if the relationships change their nature a bit, as you become more emotionally intimate with your partner there are certain conversations that you should avoid.

I also feel, though, that you shouldn't have a problem with say - showing your partner the conversation if you are having conversations with girls.


Hmm, intriguing.

 

[Jullianna]

Stuey, I know women who actually snoop through their man's phone. When I was married, I wouldn't even get something out of my husband's wallet without asking first, and even then I would prefer he got it himself.

 

[TheAristocat]

Hi all.
I'm new on here.
What are your opinions about having same sex friends while you are dating someone? Here is the situation I was in. I was dating a Christian man for a year, he is very outgoing and tends to have more female friends than guy friends. He would have conversations via text with these girls. One was a Christian woman who I met, another one was a female coworker that's a non Christian. I didn't feel comfortable with this. We broke up over it. He thinks that I have trust issues. Maybe I do, but I don't think you should take risks like that with something that you value, your relationship/the person you love. It seems there are two different view points, or types of people out there. I tend to be on the conservative side. In my opinion, having private conversations via phone or text is a no, no.

Yes, having opposite-sex friends while in a relationship will always be a strain unless you keep your distance from them. People who get into relationships can have same-sex friends such as a man having male friends. That's perfectly fine.

In my opinion your ex could've emailed those girls or texted them sparingly (almost to the point of being short with them but still being polite). That would be alright. That guy's immature and he isn't putting himself in your place. Men are sexual creatures, so having a boyfriend who has lots of female friends always has a risk to lead to something. Likewise, having a girlfriend who has lots of male friends... there is always a risk. Best thing to do is to be responsible and take a step back from your previous friendships with the opposite sex if you really want to keep your significant other.

Dating is like trying people on to see if they will fit for marriage. In marriage it's common sense that your husband should not be texting his female friends all the time. That's absurd. So if he's doing it while he's dating you, then he's not taking his relationship very seriously or else he wouldn't be a very good husband.

 

[Jullianna]

It's been so interesting to see how differently other people view this. It has helped me to understand why married friends of the opposite gender disappear from our lives without explanation sometimes. I never realized people felt like this.

I guess I just feel like Oncefallen. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would BE with someone else. And if I can't trust someone, I won't be with them. I've always made it very clear that if a guy ever cheats on me in any way, it's over. Period. I could eventually forgive, but I know myself well enough to know there would be no second chances.

 

[Oncefallen]

I also feel, though, that you shouldn't have a problem with say - showing your partner the conversation if you are having conversations with girls.

Stuey, I know women who actually snoop through their man's phone. When I was married, I wouldn't even get something out of my husband's wallet without asking first, and even then I would prefer he got it himself.

I am a firm believer in there not being secrets in a marriage. I believe that a marriage is about intimacy, being an open book. If secrets are being held (intentionally hidden) there is a breakdown in that intimacy. I'm not necessarily saying to go to the extent of showing your partner texts and e-mails, but letting them know about the person and the nature of the friendship.

Of course snooping of the type that Jullianna is speaking of shows a huge lack of trust. It is an invasion of someone's privacy and shows that true intimacy is non-existent in my opinion. Like Jullianna, if a woman in my life asked me to get her something out of her purse, I would just bring her the purse, unless it was a something I could just reach in and grab without digging around.

As for those who seem to think that having friends of the opposite gender is just begging for infidelity or other problems to enter in, I have one word for y'all... BOUNDARIES. If there are proper boundaries in place and those boundaries are adhered to, then that possibility just kind of disappears.

 

[Jullianna]

Digging around in a woman's purse can be very dangerous indeed