food for thought , light to the soul, inspirational quotes or thoughts poem s

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royalscot

royalscot

Banned
#81
Jan 27, 2013
4,769
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#81
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.
The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#82
Feb 15, 2017
8,884
4,334
113
#82
Very good and true
 
royalscot

royalscot

Banned
#85
Jan 27, 2013
4,769
18
0
#85
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
 
royalscot

royalscot

Banned
#86
Jan 27, 2013
4,769
18
0
#86
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
 
royalscot

royalscot

Banned
#87
Jan 27, 2013
4,769
18
0
#87
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
 
royalscot

royalscot

Banned
#88
Jan 27, 2013
4,769
18
0
#88
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#92
Feb 15, 2017
8,884
4,334
113
#92
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:


1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....


"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."


Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"


Forrest said, "Well, from the song ..... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own ......, and the prayer ..... Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ....."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#93
Feb 15, 2017
8,884
4,334
113
#93
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....




 
royalscot

royalscot

Banned
#94
Jan 27, 2013
4,769
18
0
#94
[HR][/HR]



[HR][/HR][h=1]lawyer jokes[/h]
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them along as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."



 
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