The good/bad things

My father was a Baptist minister, extremely abusive, and one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever met. Both sides of my family where "religious", but bad people. Throughout my entire childhood up until the time I finally escaped from home I was given the impression that "Christians" were bad people who wore a mask of righteousness. I left home angry, bitter, confused...hating my parents, hating people in general, hating myself, even hating God. I had suffered much abuse, and while I didn't blame God, I felt hurt that he never saved me.

Despite my bitter feelings I still believed that God was my best choice of obtaining peace, and so I searched various different religions hoping to find my place. Eventually I met a coworker who was Catholic and he convinced me to attend his church; he had convinced me that Catholicism was the path to truth and enlightenment. For months I studied he Catholic faith under an extremely traditional priest who spit venom against every other denomination and even other Catholics who he felt did not fall in line with the way that the religion was meant to be. In his sermons he would growl about the evil of man, about how we were an eye sore to God, a blemish on nature because of our sinfulness. It got to the point to where I fell into a deep depression, I dreaded each day, wanting to die, hating my existence.

But then one day, while meditating long and hard on Original Sin, I had somewhat of an epiphany. It occurred to me that sin entered into the world when man disobeyed God, however man was not the author of sin; he may have unleashed it, but he did not create it. Satan played his part in unleashing it, but he did not created either. And it became obvious to me, that just as an anarchist creates a computer virus and uses misdirection to avoid being caught in his deed; God had done the same thing. To make matters worse; God blamed man for his own sinful nature, as if man had ask to be born sinful. We are born sinners, surrounded and influenced by sin every day of our lives, and then made to feel like the lowest scum of the earth because we are sinners... something we had absolutely no choice in. The concept...had me steaming.

That, in combination with my upbringing, drastically altered my views of God. I did not see him as a kind, loving, merciful father figure; but rather a sadistic, selfish, dictator, who demanded a loyalty no matter how crappy he treated his subjects. And if we did not fall in line in the exact way that he wanted us to, there was hell to pay; literally.

Even then...I wanted to be wrong; I engaged religious figures with my dilemma in hopes that they would convince me that I was wrong. Every single conversation I had, EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION...man's "free will" was to use as a quick and easy answer to shift the blame away from God. It got to the point to where the words "free will" annoyed me. It seemed to me that Christians were, willfully blind, brainwashed, incapable of seeing that man would not have shot himself in the head with a gun, if his father had not left a loaded gun on the table. They ignore the fact, that the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was a completely pointless tree that had absolutely no reason for existence, except for the intentional corruption of man.

But Christians are easily offended by this. Christians are taught that God is 100% good, that he has nothing but the best of intentions for mankind; that He is The knight in shining armor here to save us, and everyone else is to blame for the bad in our world. For someone to point out the darker nature of our God is blasphemous. I have been told many times that I am NOT a Christian, because I do not believe in an all loving, all merciful God. A God who would gladly promote our death if it meant that He would be glorified.

But....

I understand that He is God. He is the creator of all. I cannot win in a battle against Him; and so all I can do is bow and accept Him has what He has shown me He is.

Have have tried really hard not feel the way that I do. I have tried the, "everything happens for a good reason" type of thinking. I really do want to believe that God is all good; but then I turn on the news to hear something like...how a father raped his six month old daughter...and all I want to do is scream.

When discussing the condition of our world with Christians, they very rightly give praise for all the good things to our Lord; after all, He is the creator of everything. But when discussing the negative aspects of our world, the blame is placed upon Satan; the blame is placed upon man and our “free will”. Sometimes “no one is to blame”.

The thing is this: man has many flaws and limitation, Satan and his fallen angels are powerful, but they too have limitations. So why is it that when bad things happen in the world, ALL blame is placed upon the flawed, limited beings; while the ONE being who is the creator of EVERYTHING, who is ALL seeing, ALL knowing, ALL powerful, ALL omnipotent…isn’t held the slightest bit responsible for any of it?

Allow me to please put in in another way: let's say that I was a scientist who created a brand-new, and completely horrifying virus, for reasons only known to myself. I tell my children "NEVER go down into the basement where my lab is, if you do you could possibly release a flesh-eating virus that will painfully, horribly consume every living thing in the world".

But while I'm away, of course kids will be kids; and they go to the basement anyway to play, break a vile that contains the killer virus, and release it into the atmosphere. Hundreds of thousand of people suffer or die before I find a cure to save the world.

Then, on a televised broadcast, I put complete blame on my children for releasing this virus into the world. Because if they had just listened to me, it would not have happen. I am sure to point out that I didn't "make" my children do this; that they did it of their own free will.

So now...

Are the children held SOLELY responsible for the suffering of thousands because they did not listen to me, and are the ones who released the virus? While I...the one who created the virus in the first place (the tree of the knowledge of good and evil...for those who may not have figured it out) is held totally, completely unaccountable in any way?
Don't get me wrong, I am not putting total blame on God for the condition of our world. But even as a child, I remember sitting in church sermons and listening to a preacher shouting about how bad humans are, how sinful we are, and how we all deserved death. And even as a child I would think to myself...I did not ask to be the way that I am; but because I was born this way I will be looked upon by God as one of the dirty, filthy humans who destroyed His perfect world. I felt guilty for being alive. But I did not ask to be a sinner; nor did I ask to be alive.

Will me finding the answer to my personal dilemma change the world; no. In the larger scheme of things, is me finding the answer of any real importance; for everyone except me...no.

God seems to blame us for being hateful, for being lustful, for being prideful...as if WE are the ones who created these negative emotions that plague us. Yes we have free will, but the darker side of our nature, is not something we had a choice in.

whispers : TINTIN JACKS BACK APPARENTLY WW3 STARTS IN 3 DAYS

I have to ask you, if you've been struggling so much, have you gone to God directly and asked for an answer?