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I'll summarize this as best as possible.
My entire walk I've never felt God speak to me about directions I should go. He's spoken Through me many times. He's done things for me. But never said 'this is what I want you specifically to do'. Until a while ago. I was Very skeptical I was hearing God when I first got the inkling He was pointing me in a direction. I doubted, questioned, argued, prayed, waited, listened, talked. And I felt time and time again God told me what I was to do.
Eventually I ran into a Huge problem I don't what God told me. Really that original problem has never left, but I just trusted God. And even when I thought to give up, God would renew me to it and make sure I kept moving in the right direction.
Recently things have gone so bad in this area, I was ready to say 'God, I give up. I'm going to be disobedient and I'm sorry, but I can't do this'. But, again, God made things right within me and kept me going in the same direction.
My problem now is that things with this situation have gotten so bad I don't think I Could do what I believe God has for me, even if everything just suddenly started working right. I've been so damaged that I don't really even want this direction anymore and I'm feeling more determined than ever to just say to God 'sorry, I tried, but you out too much on me and I give up'.
And it's quite upsetting, firstly because it is me disobeying God willfully and to His face. Secondly because for the first time in my life I feel that God gave me guidance, and it has lead to nothing but deep hurt and not to what He said, which causes me to have some doubt towards Him. Lastly because I also wanted this to work out as a desire of my heart as well. I have sacrificed so much, both in obedience, and my own deep desire, and feel like God lead me to a dead end and not to what He said.
Much of of my life I've felt as though happiness was a carrot on a stick and God just keeps me chasing, but never letting me obtain it. I've done things my way. I've done things His way. And both lead to the same tired, empty handed ending. Many times I've felt like giving up, but that carrot shows up to tease me and keep me going. So why keep me going? Why use finding a little happiness as way to keep me moving, if all I'm doing is running from one misery to the next and never having anything to show for it?
Why send Ina specific direction, guide me, encourage me, keep me going, if I'm at the end of my rope with it and farther away from where He said I'd be, than I was when I started? Many times God is more tiresome to me than a comfort to me.
My entire walk I've never felt God speak to me about directions I should go. He's spoken Through me many times. He's done things for me. But never said 'this is what I want you specifically to do'. Until a while ago. I was Very skeptical I was hearing God when I first got the inkling He was pointing me in a direction. I doubted, questioned, argued, prayed, waited, listened, talked. And I felt time and time again God told me what I was to do.
Eventually I ran into a Huge problem I don't what God told me. Really that original problem has never left, but I just trusted God. And even when I thought to give up, God would renew me to it and make sure I kept moving in the right direction.
Recently things have gone so bad in this area, I was ready to say 'God, I give up. I'm going to be disobedient and I'm sorry, but I can't do this'. But, again, God made things right within me and kept me going in the same direction.
My problem now is that things with this situation have gotten so bad I don't think I Could do what I believe God has for me, even if everything just suddenly started working right. I've been so damaged that I don't really even want this direction anymore and I'm feeling more determined than ever to just say to God 'sorry, I tried, but you out too much on me and I give up'.
And it's quite upsetting, firstly because it is me disobeying God willfully and to His face. Secondly because for the first time in my life I feel that God gave me guidance, and it has lead to nothing but deep hurt and not to what He said, which causes me to have some doubt towards Him. Lastly because I also wanted this to work out as a desire of my heart as well. I have sacrificed so much, both in obedience, and my own deep desire, and feel like God lead me to a dead end and not to what He said.
Much of of my life I've felt as though happiness was a carrot on a stick and God just keeps me chasing, but never letting me obtain it. I've done things my way. I've done things His way. And both lead to the same tired, empty handed ending. Many times I've felt like giving up, but that carrot shows up to tease me and keep me going. So why keep me going? Why use finding a little happiness as way to keep me moving, if all I'm doing is running from one misery to the next and never having anything to show for it?
Why send Ina specific direction, guide me, encourage me, keep me going, if I'm at the end of my rope with it and farther away from where He said I'd be, than I was when I started? Many times God is more tiresome to me than a comfort to me.