Betrayed

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devastated

Guest
#1
#1
There is alot to my story. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a Cancer survivor of 7 years. The year before I found out I lost my father. Here it is 8 years later and last year on the date of my father's anniversary date I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. Thinking that was it I also found out that he had had several affairs through our entire 18 years of marriage. Recently I was in a car accident and fractured my pelvic bone in 2 places and am confined to a wheel chair. There are at least 3 women in my neighborhood that my husband had been with along with 2 women who we were good friends with them and their husbands. 1 of those women he was with in my own backyard. So every where I turn I am reminded of the pain by his decisions. I am a Christian and am finding it difficult to focus on the good things that God had given me. My husband had changed his ways and is a Christian also. However he was baptized at the time he was having an affair. I'm at the point where I can't live with him nor can i without him. It's hard to be positive when I am filed with tremendous pain and grief. Betrayal and disloyalty. God forgive me but I can't forgive them or like them for what they have done to me and my kids. I also hope he forgives me for wishing that pain will come to them. They all knew what they were doing and who I was. I have never ever been unfaithful to my husband. I know i will never get an answer why when that's pretty much all I want.
 
J

Jackson123

Senior Member
#2
Feb 6, 2014
11,769
1,370
113
#2
devastated said:
There is alot to my story. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a Cancer survivor of 7 years. The year before I found out I lost my father. Here it is 8 years later and last year on the date of my father's anniversary date I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. Thinking that was it I also found out that he had had several affairs through our entire 18 years of marriage. Recently I was in a car accident and fractured my pelvic bone in 2 places and am confined to a wheel chair. There are at least 3 women in my neighborhood that my husband had been with along with 2 women who we were good friends with them and their husbands. 1 of those women he was with in my own backyard. So every where I turn I am reminded of the pain by his decisions. I am a Christian and am finding it difficult to focus on the good things that God had given me. My husband had changed his ways and is a Christian also. However he was baptized at the time he was having an affair. I'm at the point where I can't live with him nor can i without him. It's hard to be positive when I am filed with tremendous pain and grief. Betrayal and disloyalty. God forgive me but I can't forgive them or like them for what they have done to me and my kids. I also hope he forgives me for wishing that pain will come to them. They all knew what they were doing and who I was. I have never ever been unfaithful to my husband. I know i will never get an answer why when that's pretty much all I want.
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About 30 years ago, I heard similar story. She is Christian as well. What she did to overcome this situation is fasting and pray for some period of time. Keep loving him and forgive, Keep hugging and prepare meal for him.

Finally there is a time, that her husband hug her with tears and repent, He confess what he is doing and asking for forgiveness. I can't imagine how she is doing. If I were her, I may just file for divorce. I believe what she doing is beyond human ability. Holy spirit must behind her strength. Nothing impossible with God.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,602
113
#3
devastated said:
There is alot to my story. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a Cancer survivor of 7 years. The year before I found out I lost my father. Here it is 8 years later and last year on the date of my father's anniversary date I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. Thinking that was it I also found out that he had had several affairs through our entire 18 years of marriage. Recently I was in a car accident and fractured my pelvic bone in 2 places and am confined to a wheel chair. There are at least 3 women in my neighborhood that my husband had been with along with 2 women who we were good friends with them and their husbands. 1 of those women he was with in my own backyard. So every where I turn I am reminded of the pain by his decisions. I am a Christian and am finding it difficult to focus on the good things that God had given me. My husband had changed his ways and is a Christian also. However he was baptized at the time he was having an affair. I'm at the point where I can't live with him nor can i without him. It's hard to be positive when I am filed with tremendous pain and grief. Betrayal and disloyalty. God forgive me but I can't forgive them or like them for what they have done to me and my kids. I also hope he forgives me for wishing that pain will come to them. They all knew what they were doing and who I was. I have never ever been unfaithful to my husband. I know i will never get an answer why when that's pretty much all I want.
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devastated, first of all, congrats on being a cancer survivor! I also am coming up on 4 years, in July, of being cancer-free myself. :) Jesus says to forgive others as he has forgiven us. I've been cheated on several times, and I've forgiven them because they know not what they do when it comes to being faithful!! If your husband was a loving, faithful person he would not have cheated on you during your ENTIRE marriage!! I'm sorry, but thats not a christian. Adultery is the only allowance God gives for a spouse to divorce her/ his mate. My advice is divorce him, but remain good friends. Try to summon up the grace to forgive him for what he's done to hurt you, and his marriage. He knew what he was doing when he hopped in the sack with these other women, and they in turn also knew what THEY were doing was wrong and immoral. Seems like they all have their priorities screwed up. They need to repent and ask God's forgiveness, as well as yours. If you were wise, you should go get tested for any STD's. You dont know for sure if they used protection or not or if they "forgot" it, nor do you know what diseases these other women may have. I have a friend who sleeps around with different men all the time, and she has contracted syphilis, gonorrhea AND herpes from them!!! Please, please get yourself tested. Turn this all over to God and he will carry you through. This man has cheated on you for nearly twenty years!! He's addicted to sex and needs help, because he CANNOT and WILL NOT stop doing this to you!! Tell him its over, file for divorce and try to move on to the next chapter of your life.
 
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devastated

Guest
#4
#4
I have been tested. I want going to let that happen. He just in the last year had gotten into a relationship with God. He was not a Christian through our marriage. He did get baptized last year right before I found out about the last affair claiming he didn't know the meaning of baptism. He now fears god also is very remorseful for his actions and feels very dirty. Which he should. This does not mean that I will make a decision light or irrationally. We are going to start counseling and this will be my last attempt. When I'm ready to decide weather to move on w or without him will be my decision. Not his.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
41,405
16,346
113
69
Tennessee
#5
devastated said:
There is alot to my story. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a Cancer survivor of 7 years. The year before I found out I lost my father. Here it is 8 years later and last year on the date of my father's anniversary date I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. Thinking that was it I also found out that he had had several affairs through our entire 18 years of marriage. Recently I was in a car accident and fractured my pelvic bone in 2 places and am confined to a wheel chair. There are at least 3 women in my neighborhood that my husband had been with along with 2 women who we were good friends with them and their husbands. 1 of those women he was with in my own backyard. So every where I turn I am reminded of the pain by his decisions. I am a Christian and am finding it difficult to focus on the good things that God had given me. My husband had changed his ways and is a Christian also. However he was baptized at the time he was having an affair. I'm at the point where I can't live with him nor can i without him. It's hard to be positive when I am filed with tremendous pain and grief. Betrayal and disloyalty. God forgive me but I can't forgive them or like them for what they have done to me and my kids. I also hope he forgives me for wishing that pain will come to them. They all knew what they were doing and who I was. I have never ever been unfaithful to my husband. I know i will never get an answer why when that's pretty much all I want.
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I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are in. For the last 3 years of my wife's life she was confined to a nursing home. I saw her regularly and still loved her with all of my heart. By the grace of God we were both faithful to each other for the 11 years we were married. I am so sorry that your husband was unfaithful and unsupportive. You need a good friend dear. You should also considering leaving that cheating husband of yours.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#6
Mar 13, 2014
41,405
16,346
113
69
Tennessee
#6
devastated said:
I have been tested. I want going to let that happen. He just in the last year had gotten into a relationship with God. He was not a Christian through our marriage. He did get baptized last year right before I found out about the last affair claiming he didn't know the meaning of baptism. He now fears god also is very remorseful for his actions and feels very dirty. Which he should. This does not mean that I will make a decision light or irrationally. We are going to start counseling and this will be my last attempt. When I'm ready to decide weather to move on w or without him will be my decision. Not his.
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Please let it be God's decision and not yours. And definitely not his.
 
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Dayen

Guest
#7
#7
Pls remember God take no delight in divorce but pray that he should have a great heart
Remember the pain you will have after divorce. Its more difficult than this. Forgive like Jesus did
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#8
#8
devastated said:
I have been tested. I want going to let that happen. He just in the last year had gotten into a relationship with God. He was not a Christian through our marriage. He did get baptized last year right before I found out about the last affair claiming he didn't know the meaning of baptism. He now fears god also is very remorseful for his actions and feels very dirty. Which he should. This does not mean that I will make a decision light or irrationally. We are going to start counseling and this will be my last attempt. When I'm ready to decide weather to move on w or without him will be my decision. Not his.
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Devastated: I think you sound wise and patient in your decision to have
counseling. When God forgives, He forgets. It is not as easy for us as
humans to be that way, but we are not God. However, you know God and
you know He will give you the wisdom to deal with this situation with
dignity. I believe you are a lady, you have been hurt multiple times, but
Jesus was able to forgive us our sins and He said we must forgive 70x's7.
It sounds like you are working on it. Do you recall the old song .......
"Me And Jesus, We Got Our Own Thing Going?" that just popped in my
head. True, you and Jesus are going to work this out. If you still love
your husband and are willing to put the past behind you, I believe it
would be easier for you. You are in wheelchair. Does this mean your
intimacy is out of the question ? If so, then you might have a different
outlook on the issue as to whether he can stay faithful. I pray you
can be healed and walking again. I pray your husband will consider being
baptized again as he realizes he did not understand the seriousness of
what baptism is. You said he has come to Christ right ? You are
going to have counseling ? My prayers are with you and I believe with
God all things are possible. You can start a new loving relationship with
him if he is willing to be the husband God intends. We will pray for you.
God bless you and know you are loved by our Lord and He is watching
over you. In Christ, a sister ~ J~ Kay~ 2
 
O

OnThisRock

Senior Member
#9
Jan 20, 2011
353
9
18
#9
Hi. I cannot even imagine! I'm glad you are pursuing God's wisdom. I spent years as a counselor. As an outsider looking in, I was just wondering if he was seeking help from a pastor, or Christian counselor about addictive behaviors? Sometimes, relationships can be addictive. Before I was saved I dated a man that was unable to stay faithful in a relationship. Some men are addicted to relationships/behaviors. Addictions take different forms. Anyway, God Bless you and I pray God guides you through and helps you with whatever decisions you make. I have suffered betrayals from family members. Over time, although I forgave, I had to let the relationships go because they could not stay free from their behaviors that caused harm to me. I pray God give you peace over this difficult time. He will heal!
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#10
#10
OnThisRock said:
Hi. I cannot even imagine! I'm glad you are pursuing God's wisdom. I spent years as a counselor. As an outsider looking in, I was just wondering if he was seeking help from a pastor, or Christian counselor about addictive behaviors? Sometimes, relationships can be addictive. Before I was saved I dated a man that was unable to stay faithful in a relationship. Some men are addicted to relationships/behaviors. Addictions take different forms. Anyway, God Bless you and I pray God guides you through and helps you with whatever decisions you make. I have suffered betrayals from family members. Over time, although I forgave, I had to let the relationships go because they could not stay free from their behaviors that caused harm to me. I pray God give you peace over this difficult time. He will heal!
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Onthisrock, this is wise advice about the addictions. I learned that many years ago.
When I had friendships (Christian female friends ) I was very addicted to one and
when she went out of town to visit her Mother, I had to call her. Later on I realized
she actually was a controlling person, and it was my fault I allowed her to control me.
When we have Bible Studies and Prayer Meetings we get very close to our friends
and one will always be easier to get along with. Go shopping with, ride to Church
with, etc.

A few years ago I became ill and was unable to leave my house for a while and it
caused me to withdraw from Church and people. I attended a program where I
could get adjusted to the public again. It was a women's meeting. I was able to
share to them that we can become addicted to people. They looked at me like I
had two heads. But ... I knew I was right. So often times the things we go through
we are able to share with others. My husband is not a people person at all. Since
he has retired I am perfectly content being home all the time. I am tired of running.

I am sorry I did not mean to take away from your advice to our 'sister' who has
marital issues. I have been on computer too long and I think I am half asleep. So,
back to the topic at hand... I think you are a perfect person to help her through this
experience. I will pray for you to have Gods wisdom and her heart will be healed of
her heartaches.

There was one issue that did trouble me a little. At the end of the thread she
said she wished bad things on the ladies. I pray she will be able to forgive the ladies
so she herself can be set free.

God bless you ~
 
D

devastated

Guest
#11
#11
Dayen said:
Pls remember God take no delight in divorce but pray that he should have a great heart
Remember the pain you will have after divorce. Its more difficult than this. Forgive like Jesus did
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I do know that God does not take delight in divorce. I have been in counseling with my pastor and have read every scripture on adultery. The 1 commandment is. .. Though shall not commit adultery. This is the 1 reason good allows divorce and frees you from that marriage bond. I myself personally believe that God does not want us to live in pain and agony. I can say had it been 1 affair, I may have been able to work on this. But 10 women that know me and know my husband add a married couple not to mention that it was our entire marriage. I can't comprehend.
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#12
#12
devastated said:
I do know that God does not take delight in divorce. I have been in counseling with my pastor and have read every scripture on adultery. The 1 commandment is. .. Though shall not commit adultery. This is the 1 reason good allows divorce and frees you from that marriage bond. I myself personally believe that God does not want us to live in pain and agony. I can say had it been 1 affair, I may have been able to work on this. But 10 women that know me and know my husband add a married couple not to mention that it was our entire marriage. I can't comprehend.
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@@@ Last night I thought about you as I lay
in bed. Sort of sending thought prayers up to the Lord for you. My main concern for you
is not to hold grudges. To be forgiving. It will take a lot of time with Jesus, prayer and
in the Word. I saw you being kind to them, and them seeing you glowing with the love of
the Lord in your life. It is possible you know ? Jesus can do all things through you if
you can open your heart wide for His love to fill you. May you prove to be the woman
that God has used to show His love to those who you felt were your enemy. Right now
this appears impossible, but it is possible with the Lord God Almighty. I pray the Holy
Spirit of anointing will fall upon you, in Jesus name ~ Amen and God Bless
 
D

devastated

Guest
#13
#13
J-Kay-2 said:
@@@ Last night I thought about you as I lay
in bed. Sort of sending thought prayers up to the Lord for you. My main concern for you
is not to hold grudges. To be forgiving. It will take a lot of time with Jesus, prayer and
in the Word. I saw you being kind to them, and them seeing you glowing with the love of
the Lord in your life. It is possible you know ? Jesus can do all things through you if
you can open your heart wide for His love to fill you. May you prove to be the woman
that God has used to show His love to those who you felt were your enemy. Right now
this appears impossible, but it is possible with the Lord God Almighty. I pray the Holy
Spirit of anointing will fall upon you, in Jesus name ~ Amen and God Bless
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J-Kay. Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers. I pray and talk w the Lord several times daily. In the last year. My husband has only admitted bits and pieces of his affairs. The Lord has put it in my heart that my husband was not being completely honest the whole time. So I pushed n pushed for the truth. I come to find out that he had been unfaithful in our whole 18 years of marriage. I feel that there are some mental issues that caused him to do very vulgar n evil things along w sleeping w at least 10 different women. Sending pictures, asking for pictures, porn sites, sexting more than just the 10 woman he slept with. It's so very painful and discussing to me. Today however I did call 1 of the women's ex husband, who they were very close friends of ours, and they were married at the time my husband n his wife slept together more than once. It was very much a step for me in the right direction. I am feeling a bit of relief. There is another woman's husband that I may call. They are still married n he has no idea about his wife n my husband. I'm am not doing it for revenge, I just think the truth needs to be told for her husband. Since nobody was kind enough to tell me all these years. I've been hurt by many. I have contacted all the women to let them know it is no longer a secret between them and my husband. I still am not sure of my decision to stay or go.i need to figure out if I can go on for the rest of my life knowing the pain he had caused me. The Lord let me know that my husband was not a loyal n faithful man to me. He also is testing my faith.
 
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J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#14
#14
devastated said:
J-Kay. Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers. I pray and talk w the Lord several times daily. In the last year. My husband has only admitted bits and pieces of his affairs. The Lord has put it in my heart that my husband was not being completely honest the whole time. So I pushed n pushed for the truth. I come to find out that he had been unfaithful in our whole 18 years of marriage. I feel that there are some mental issues that caused him to do very vulgar n evil things along w sleeping w at least 10 different women. Sending pictures, asking for pictures, porn sites, sexting more than just the 10 woman he slept with. It's so very painful and discussing to me. Today however I did call 1 of the women's ex husband, who they were very close friends of ours, and they were married at the time my husband n his wife slept together more than once. It was very much a step for me in the right direction. I am feeling a bit of relief. There is another woman's husband that I may call. They are still married n he has no idea about his wife n my husband. I'm am not doing it for revenge, I just think the truth needs to be told for her husband. Since nobody was kind enough to tell me all these years. I've been hurt by many. I have contacted all the women to let them know it is no longer a secret between them and my husband. I still am not sure of my decision to stay or go.i need to figure out if I can go on for the rest of my life knowing the pain he had caused me. The Lord let me know that my husband was not a loyal n faithful man to me. He also is testing my faith.
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I have to tell you what happened after I went to bed last night and was reading
my devotions and could not believe what I was reading confirmed what I wrote
you. I wanted to get up and write you immediately to show confirmation. I am
sharing it today with you. But this was 4/28/14 same eve. I wrote you. Pray and
see if the Lord is sharing what He desires for you. Always pray and test the spirit.

1Peter 3: 8-17

[h=3]Suffering for Righteousness' Sake[/h][SUP]8 [/SUP]Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. [SUP]9 [/SUP]Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. [SUP]10 [/SUP]For
“Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit;
[SUP]11 [/SUP]let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
[SUP]12 [/SUP]For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

[SUP]13 [/SUP]Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? [SUP]14 [/SUP]But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, [SUP]15 [/SUP]but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, [SUP]16 [/SUP]having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. [SUP]17 [/SUP]For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.
 
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devastated

Guest
#15
#15
That truly speaks volumes to me. So grateful you have sent me this. Thank you so very much! I have daily struggles and ask God everyday for peace and content in my heart. It just sometimes seems so far away.
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#16
#16
devastated said:
That truly speaks volumes to me. So grateful you have sent me this. Thank you so very much! I have daily struggles and ask God everyday for peace and content in my heart. It just sometimes seems so far away.
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I know it must be so difficult to keep focused on what God tells us to do.
Just everyday things can make us struggle. It sounds so right, it sounds
so easy when we read it and our heart says, 'yes' Lord. Yet when the
memories flare back up, it makes one tend to slip back into the old hurt
pattern.
I do believe God was saying to " forgive, do good as possibly can, and
act as if you have forgiven, then the forgiveness will come. Getting revenge
will only keep the enemy adding fuel to your furnace that has been building
up inside you. Choose to do this so you may be blessed. When others see
the change in you, they will see Christ. The most important thing that can
come out of this whole issue is for them to know Christ and repent. Remember
He died for them too. I have not walked in your shoes, please understand I
am not judging you so much as sharing what the scripture is referring to.
Simply begin to love Jesus so much and put Him first ... tell Him how you feel.
He can help you love your enemies. It is amazing what even one person can get
from your forgiveness. In the meantime, I pray you will be healed and the
best God has for you.
 
J

JustAnotherUser

Guest
#17
#17
Once a cheater, can be forgiven. Always a cheater for as long as you two been together, he's not going to change by now.

Sorry I know it's not my place to say this, but it bugs me how people say to still serve someone like that who has cheated on her to begin with. I don't think if I were to have a husband that was going around with other women (let alone ones that one would personally know), I would even let him have the new set of keys to the locks that were changed while he was even out. Especially with the pain that she has went through, I don't blame her for feeling this way if not worse.
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#18
#18
JustAnotherUser said:
Once a cheater, can be forgiven. Always a cheater for as long as you two been together, he's not going to change by now.

Sorry I know it's not my place to say this, but it bugs me how people say to still serve someone like that who has cheated on her to begin with. I don't think if I were to have a husband that was going around with other women (let alone ones that one would personally know), I would even let him have the new set of keys to the locks that were changed while he was even out. Especially with the pain that she has went through, I don't blame her for feeling this way if not worse.
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1Peter 3:
[SUP]13 [/SUP]For who is going to harm you if you are devoted to what is good? [SUP]14 [/SUP]But in fact, if you happen to suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed. But do not be terrified of them or be shaken. [SUP]15 [/SUP]But set Christ apart as Lord in your hearts and always be ready to give an answer to anyone who asks about the hope you possess. [SUP]16 [/SUP]Yet do it with courtesy and respect, keeping a good conscience, so that those who slander your good conduct in Christ may be put to shame when they accuse you. [SUP]17 [/SUP]For it is better to suffer for doing good, if God wills it, than for doing evil.

I can understand your not understanding this concept of Gods Word if you aren't Christian.
I do not know where you stand as far as know Christ as your Savior, but if you do I am
sure you have read the Word, right ? We are not commanded to obey just the parts we
like, but all of it. I have told her I know it is difficult to do what the Lord said, but it
can be done with a close and intimate prayer life with God. She can even forgive him if
she so chooses, with Gods help.

In the natural, I want to say what you did, but I can't do that as a Christian I have
to hold on to the Word of God ... trust and believe He gave me a Word for her. It
is up to her to do what she wants with it. I am not forcing it on her. Just simply
being obedient.

I have also learned after few years here on Internet Chats or communities, we all
will not agree on everything. I have explained my reason. I still want her healed
and see her marriage healed. God will show her the way.....and she will make the
choice. Just knowing Jesus is most important...the rest falls into place..

Night...


 
J

JustAnotherUser

Guest
#19
#19
I just don't see how people can still be nice in that way if it's only going to make people do the same thing over and over. That's all. It sounds to me you're feeling like I was attacking your comment when really it didn't take that long for me to see some things on here that makes me think that it's just a pass for the husband to continue to do it. I don't think it's right.
 
D

devastated

Guest
#20
#20
Here is the thing. The Lord has continuously within this last year had put it in my heart that the truth was still being with held from me. Periodically he had done this to not let me hurt all at once. But slowly so that I could deal with the pain slowly. Had he given to me all at once I would be in a mental institution. Just got done speaking with my pastor about newly discovered actions in all 10 affairs that my husband admits out of anger because he had been caught. I'm instructed and very much feel the need to tell yet another good friend that my husband slept with his wife. He and my husband are why we were good friends. He deserves to know, the same as I did when nobody told me. It is a healing process. I am not out to wreck their marriage, she and my husband did that themselves. My husband and many others did these things not me. Since I called the last husband it has brought a small piece of comfort to me. I cannot forgive someone who claims to have changed n lives for the Lord knowing that they are still continuing to live with lies. I'm beginning to think he is a very good con artist. But god knows:)
 
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