Hey flatline
It's actually great to see you taking a risk and sharing your struggles. I know what it's like to be afraid to share things because of a fear of being kicked while you're down, especially by the very people who should be building you up. I've dealt with this generally, like on a web site, as well as personally among those who are supposed to be close friends. So that you still speak up shows a strength as well as a genuine heart to learn and grow and to understand better, even if it hurts.
And sometimes the hurt comes not from attacks, but truth. So be prepared for that at times as well.
When i think about how to describe my life i use the term 'living in the valley'. I feel i've received so few breaks in my nearly 30 years as a Christian (holy crap i'm old... sheesh). As someone who has lived it for a long time one thing i would encourage you to do is look at yourself and your choices. As for myself a Lot of my suffering was actually self inflicted. Me being stupid. Of course, at the time, i wouldn't have said it that way. And it took a while for me to get to the point where i had to own up to how much has really been my fault. I don't know you, nor your life, so this may be less of an issue for you than it has been for me. But, to varying degrees, it's true of Everyone. So ask yourself where have You gone wrong since being saved. It helps because you can distinguish your mistakes from things that have been out of your control and helps you have a more balanced perspective on how to view your life.
It sounds like you are dealing with what i went through as a new Christian. I took every message, from any "Christian" source, as truth. Even if those messages conflicted i didn't deny either, i was just confused as to how they could both be true.
Fact is many Christians have a religious attitude and are quite ignorant of the character of God. They often miss the true meaning behind the message. This is why we see groups like Westboro Baptist, as an extreme example. They see God say 'these things are sin and bad' and that's what they focus on. As a result they become religious and focus on rules. But they miss the essence of what God is saying.
It is true, we are to die to ourselves, no debate there. But the flip side of the coin is we are also supposed to be brought to life through God. By learning to focus more on God and less on 'following the rules' we find that life. And as we find and grow in that new life we change and following 'the rules' because a natural progression of that.
Not meaning that we shouldn't also be working against sin, but our focus should be on God first. God doesn't tell people 'change, then come to me', He says 'if you want to change, come to Me'. Our change is not our power, but a product of growing closer to Him. If we view our relationship with God as a chore and requirement and a set of rules then we have completely missed all understanding of God. God is about freedom. God is about change. With change comes freedom. But change comes from God. We just have to be willing to do the work and be willing to allow God to change us, as well as help us as we try to change.
Think of a newly planted tree. If that tree sits in the ground and tries to grow by itself, what happens? Nothing. If that same tree is given water and sunlight what happens? It grows automatically. Think of yourself as that tree and God as the sun and water.
See, you've been trying to do God's job, growing yourself. Really your job is to grow a relationship with God and allow Him to grow change in you. As long as you continue to put the focus on the 'rules' you will continue to be unhappy.
And yes, we are all sinners. But God says
Ephesians 2:8 - For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is a gift from God.
Hebrews 8:12 - For i will be merciful towards their iniquities, their sin i will remember no more.
Psalm 103:12 - He has removed our sins from us as the east is from the west.
And also
Romans 6:1-4 - What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
Hope this helps.