J
Here I am yet again. There are layers and layers of this stuff to go through and it's frustrating. Rather than go into details which I've done on here before, suffice it to say my dad was a bad man. Perhaps it's the season that has brought this up now. My birthday is just around the corner and I'm very used to either being forgotten altogether, or getting a phone call 3 days late to say how many times he called (which just so happened not to register on my cell phone). Regardless, I'm angry. If I think about it enough I'm pretty sure I could spit flames. I'm not talking about the phone call. It goes much deeper than that.
He died last year and the first day I saw him since he'd disowned me was the day before he died when I had to be the bigger man so to say and go forgive him, pray for him, hold his hand, and sing over him. During that time it was definitely God and He alone that gave me that ability. In my humanity, I would have much rather been the one to torture him to death myself.
Harsh? Well, I guess so. But it's honest, and honesty right now is more important than being nice. I forgave him then. I truly did; but it's back to bite me in the butt. Forgiveness comes in waves like pain, and here I am with a new wave of pain, and I hate him all the more. I am very resentful towards him. I am very angry that I can't ever have that ridiculous hope that he was ever going to stop being who he was and be a good father. I am very angry that I can't punish him anymore, and in turn I guess I end up punishing myself by even thinking about it.
So, I need to forgive. To be honest, there's obviously a part of me lead enough by the spirit that I am here writing, but I can't find that part. I don't want to forgive. I want to dig him up and torture him.
He died last year and the first day I saw him since he'd disowned me was the day before he died when I had to be the bigger man so to say and go forgive him, pray for him, hold his hand, and sing over him. During that time it was definitely God and He alone that gave me that ability. In my humanity, I would have much rather been the one to torture him to death myself.
Harsh? Well, I guess so. But it's honest, and honesty right now is more important than being nice. I forgave him then. I truly did; but it's back to bite me in the butt. Forgiveness comes in waves like pain, and here I am with a new wave of pain, and I hate him all the more. I am very resentful towards him. I am very angry that I can't ever have that ridiculous hope that he was ever going to stop being who he was and be a good father. I am very angry that I can't punish him anymore, and in turn I guess I end up punishing myself by even thinking about it.
So, I need to forgive. To be honest, there's obviously a part of me lead enough by the spirit that I am here writing, but I can't find that part. I don't want to forgive. I want to dig him up and torture him.