M
I didn’t think I would find myself back here again. Never mind the how’s and why’s of my long break from this site- except, it wasn’t so much for myself as I could see I was doing harm I didn’t intend to do and the only right thing was to go. I’m hoping...to handle it better this time. To handle myself better. At any rate, I’ve been feeling pulled back here for the same reasons I joined to begin with- I feel trapped inside my head, and the isolation is unbearable.
I’m married; I almost ended up not being that way, but by the grace of God- or mercy, perhaps- my entire life, heart, husband, and marriage changed. Things are good on that front, and I’m thankful that I’m able to say that honestly these last couple of years.
Ive been trying to pin-point what’s eating at me. I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this; I’ve kept busy, I’ve taught myself a ton of homesteading skills, I have nine chickens in my backyard because I wanted to learn about raising them (and fresh eggs! Fantastic). I’ve been restoring/redoing furniture, I’ve been building furniture I designed myself, I joined the PTA last year, for heaven’s sake. I grew delicious veggies last summer, baked homemade bread and learned about canning. I’ve fixed up my entire house, inside and out, started going to a new church with my family, lost weight, started studying my Bible every day...
It sounds so positive. It’s been a blast, every bit of it has been an adventure and brought so much joy.
...yet I’m here.
Seasonal depression? Anxiety? Minor (but truly frustrating) health problems? I feel...defeated. My mind won’t shut up when I try to sleep, but it stops working when I really need it to focus. I’ve seen three different doctors and been told I have three different issues going on, and none of the meds have helped at all. I’m tired. I’ve been tired for six months. I can’t talk to anyone because I can’t find the words to describe what the heck is going on with me. Even now, it’s a struggle, and it’s not coming out right. I just feel...so...alone, I guess. Like there’s a barrier between me and everyone else and I’m invisible behind it. Or like I’m stuck under water and can’t break the surface.
I dont want want to post this. But I’m so tired of feeling like it’s only real inside my head. Maybe someone else out there gets it.
I’m married; I almost ended up not being that way, but by the grace of God- or mercy, perhaps- my entire life, heart, husband, and marriage changed. Things are good on that front, and I’m thankful that I’m able to say that honestly these last couple of years.
Ive been trying to pin-point what’s eating at me. I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this; I’ve kept busy, I’ve taught myself a ton of homesteading skills, I have nine chickens in my backyard because I wanted to learn about raising them (and fresh eggs! Fantastic). I’ve been restoring/redoing furniture, I’ve been building furniture I designed myself, I joined the PTA last year, for heaven’s sake. I grew delicious veggies last summer, baked homemade bread and learned about canning. I’ve fixed up my entire house, inside and out, started going to a new church with my family, lost weight, started studying my Bible every day...
It sounds so positive. It’s been a blast, every bit of it has been an adventure and brought so much joy.
...yet I’m here.
Seasonal depression? Anxiety? Minor (but truly frustrating) health problems? I feel...defeated. My mind won’t shut up when I try to sleep, but it stops working when I really need it to focus. I’ve seen three different doctors and been told I have three different issues going on, and none of the meds have helped at all. I’m tired. I’ve been tired for six months. I can’t talk to anyone because I can’t find the words to describe what the heck is going on with me. Even now, it’s a struggle, and it’s not coming out right. I just feel...so...alone, I guess. Like there’s a barrier between me and everyone else and I’m invisible behind it. Or like I’m stuck under water and can’t break the surface.
I dont want want to post this. But I’m so tired of feeling like it’s only real inside my head. Maybe someone else out there gets it.